? ? ? ? ?我早年經(jīng)歷的那些糗事情想必大家早有耳聞，大家聽我講故事應(yīng)該也聽膩了吧，今天我就介紹一下自己的那個(gè)“富貴病”吧。我患抑郁癥至少也有七八年了，初次接觸這種怪病的我整個(gè)人身體都特別難受，但是自從吃藥了以后自己控制的還算不錯(cuò)，在這些年里我從來沒有停過藥，藥物雖然會讓我睡的像頭死豬，以至于不到早上十一二點(diǎn)就算狠狠掐我脖子、捏我屁股都不能把我給弄醒，但是對我讀書思考的日常生活并沒有太大的影響。也就是說盡管服藥，我還是能保持自己思維的連貫、精力的充沛和源源不斷的靈感，在較短的周期內(nèi)完成一篇篇高質(zhì)量的文章和一曲曲傳世之作。我也想過停藥，但是將我視為掌上明珠的媽媽堅(jiān)決反對，她說如果沒有得到醫(yī)生的允許貿(mào)然行事，我肯定會吃苦頭，講得更具體點(diǎn)停藥后我的大腦結(jié)構(gòu)會發(fā)生變化，如果把一個(gè)人的大腦比作一個(gè)雞蛋形狀的東西，當(dāng)一個(gè)人停藥以后他的那個(gè)“雞蛋”就會癟下去一塊，以至于影響他整個(gè)大腦的功能，如果停藥后抑郁癥再次復(fù)發(fā)，我就不得不終身服藥。

?????????As my early experiences are no longer?new to you and everyone must be tired of it, I am going to introduce my "disease peculiar to the rich" today. It has been seven or eight years since I suffered?from depression, I felt every bone in my body aching and every drop of blood clotting when I first contact with this sort of strange disease, but everything was brought under control and I was in a relatively good condition since medicine had been taken, I dare not withdraw from it in these years, although I can't?but sleep like a log and am reluctant to rise until 11 or 12am even though I am?taken by the throat or pinched on the butt after taking the drugs, it has?little effect on my reading and thinking daily life. That is to say, I can keep coherent thinking, abundant energy and get continual inspiration to complete one high-quality article and classic piece of music after another in short cycle,?in spite of the fact that I have to swallow the painful pills everyday. The idea,?which is firmly opposed by mother, who takes me as the apple of her eye, that I must be cut off from it has constantly occurred to me, mom said it is an irrefutable fact that I will suffer for it if we act rashly without doctor's orders. More specifically, my brain structure will change if I am too hasty to do so, if one's brain is compared to an object of egg shape, one's "egg" sinks in and its function will be further effected when he stops taking the drugs, if?I suffer a relapse then, I will have to take medicine for a life time.

????????在結(jié)緣郁金香以后，我總是從病友口中聽說抑郁癥有多可怕多可怕的，身患抑郁的人因?yàn)闊o法找到通往快樂的途徑滿腦子想的就是怎么自殺，太多才華橫溢的人被抑郁癥奪去了生命：張國榮跳樓了，本兮跳樓了，青年歌唱家楊陽也跳樓了，自從潘多拉盒子打開了以后，抑郁癥就為全人類帶來了不可估量的損失。但就憑我自己的經(jīng)驗(yàn)來看，其實(shí)抑郁癥沒啥了不起的，自從得了抑郁癥以后，我從一個(gè)正常人的負(fù)擔(dān)中釋放了出來，沒有了朝九晚五工作的羈絆，我可以呆在家里隨心所欲地研究自己喜歡的內(nèi)容、做自己想做的事；沒有了父母的催婚，我可以盡情地享受受婚姻羈絆的那些人享受不到的快樂，盡管患病多年，我也并沒有惡化到那種一睜眼就看見滿地蝎子滿地蛇的地步，相反，因?yàn)榛疾。覅s有資格向身邊的正常人朋友索取照顧和幫助、苛求他們的憐憫，所以講一句在正常人看來荒唐透頂?shù)脑挘何也粌H沒有以抑郁為恥，反而以它為傲——正因?yàn)槲乙钟?，我才能享受正常人享受不到的福利和待遇?/p>

????????After being attached to Tulip (a non-governmental organization for depressive patients), I am always told by fellow sufferers how dreadful this kind of disease is, depressive minds are?wholly taken up with one thing—end his life as soon as possible, as they rack?their brains without finding a path to happiness. Too many brilliant people were taken off by it: Leslie Cheung jumped to his death, Utaoki jumped to her death, Yang Yang the vocalist jumped to his death as well, depression has?brought immeasurable loss to mankind since Pandora's box was opened. Nevertheless,?depression, judge from my own experience, is not a big deal. Since I contracted?it, I liberated myself from the burden of an ordinary man. Without the fetters of a nine-to-five job, I can stay in my little nest, probe into anything I'm fond of and pursue anything I'm keen on; without pressure to get me married?from parents, I can enjoy the fullest joy those fettered by marriage can't get. In spite of the years I suffered from depression, my disease never deteriorated to a point that I have visions of snakes and scorpions when I open eyes. On the?contrary, I am eligible for care, help and compassion from healthy friends?around me because of my illness. Therefore, to speak a few words seem?absurd?to normal people: I am not only not ashamed of my depressive illness, but proud?of it—just because of it I am able to enjoy welfares and treatments a normal?man can't get.

????????如果說在身患抑郁以前，我是個(gè)成天把自己埋在書堆里、對任何人沒有感情的冷血動物，身患抑郁之后我卻對這個(gè)世界充滿了無限的情感。我們知道藝術(shù)就是情感的學(xué)問，一個(gè)沒有情感的人即便有再好的技巧也很難成為藝術(shù)巨匠，而有情感的人只要稍加錘煉就能搖身變成藝術(shù)大師。每當(dāng)我抑郁的時(shí)候，我會把自己的情緒帶到創(chuàng)作當(dāng)中，稍加潤色就能譜寫出一曲曲華麗優(yōu)美的篇章，每當(dāng)我得意洋洋地把自己的成就展示在別人面前，我總能得到所有人的嘖嘖稱贊：“黃越青真是個(gè)天才”、“再努力一把你就能創(chuàng)造出所有人望塵莫及的奇跡”、“你真的太厲害了”、“你簡直就是我們所有人俯伏膜拜的偶像”，這些話仿佛是治愈我的良藥，它們能讓我的抑郁情緒一掃而空，這時(shí)我會感覺“正因?yàn)樽约阂钟魞?nèi)心才能充滿了豐富的情感，正因?yàn)榍楦胸S富我才能在藝術(shù)上取得如此斐然的成就”，所以每當(dāng)我向別人介紹起自己的病情時(shí)，我都能自豪地宣稱“本人是個(gè)以憂郁見長的作曲家”。

????????If I could be deemed a cold-blooded animal without human affection to anyone and a bookworm burying myself in books?before depression, I became passionate and was full of emotion to the world since suffering from it. We all know that art is an emotional learning, a skilled man without feeling can't turn into an artist no matter how skilled he is, while an emotional man can be easily hammered into a virtuoso. Every time when I was depressive, I brought my emotions into composing activity and with the slightest embellishment a piece of magnificent movement would come out. Everytime when I was triumphant to show my achievement to people around me, I was?praise to the skies, "Claudio Huang is a real genius", "one more effort you can create unprecedented miracles", "you are so awful", "you are the idol everyone pay homage to", as if these words are a great healer, they can sweep away all my depressive feelings and give me a sense that "I am overwhelmed with profound?sentiments just because I am depressive, it is just because of it that I can achieve brilliant success in art realm", so, every time when I introduce my illness to others, I can declare proudly that "I am a composer noted for melancholy".

????????任何一個(gè)正常人如果身陷抑郁癥的泥潭當(dāng)中，都會希望自己能快快好起來，回到一個(gè)事業(yè)有成、家庭美滿的健康人狀態(tài)當(dāng)中，而我卻不然。如果上帝讓我許個(gè)愿，我一定希望自己的抑郁癥永遠(yuǎn)不會得到治愈，因?yàn)橐坏┲斡?，我就必須重新回到正常人的群體當(dāng)中，跟著他們一起賺錢買房、不斷砸錢升級自己的座駕、朝九晚五累死累活地苦幾百塊錢，而身處抑郁癥患者的群體當(dāng)中，我卻能發(fā)揮自己的價(jià)值：跟他們口若懸河地大談自己的哲學(xué)理念、幫他們寫幾首以抑郁抒情見長的曲子、在他們中間培養(yǎng)幾個(gè)天賦秉異的鋼琴高手。抑郁癥是一種富貴病，也就是說當(dāng)一個(gè)人不愁吃不愁喝以后，他就會開始思考人生的意義，想著想著就鉆進(jìn)死胡同里面了，不知不覺患上了抑郁癥，所以在郁金香里面從來都不缺殫精竭慮思考人生這一盤棋的思想家和哲人，每個(gè)人在患病之前都充分考量了人生、閱讀了大量靈性方面的書籍，而飽讀詩書、學(xué)富五車的我只有在這個(gè)群體里面才能找到自己的一席之地，一旦被治愈后的我回到正常人的群體，就不得不壓抑自己對智慧和知識的渴望重新面對柴米油鹽醬醋茶的窘境，所以就算賜給我一百個(gè)殺威棒我也勉為其難治愈自己的抑郁癥，因?yàn)橹挥械昧艘钟舭Y才能進(jìn)入他們的那個(gè)圈子，只有在這個(gè)圈子里我才能找到自己存在的意義和價(jià)值。

????????Any normal person, if remains in dire straits of depression, hopes himself get better as soon as possible and get back to a healthy state of career success and family happiness, but I am just?the reverse. If I could make a wish, I am bound to hope that my illness will never be cured, because once it is done, I will have no other choice but to return to the group of normal majorities, as a follower of mainstream values accumulate money for house, spend it to upgrade my car and busy for a nine-to-five?job, yet I, if break away from these things, can maximize my value when I am exposed?to the group of depressive patients: to make speeches about my philosophical?ideas among them, to write a few melancholic and lyrical pieces for them, to cultivate several adept piano players among them. Depression is a disease peculiar to the rich, that is to say one begins to meditate on the meaning of?life when he need not worry about food, with these thoughts he strayed into a blind alley and then slipped into depression without consciousness. Therefore,?Tulip is never running short of thinkers and philosophies who rack their brains?for life, value and meaning. Everyone gave full consideration to life and read?a large collection of spiritual books before illness. Only in this group I, a talented, educated and gifted man, am in line for a place for myself. Once I am cured and return to the group of normal majorities, I will have to repress my?eagerness for wisdom and knowledge and face to face with the predicament of worldly things. So, I would rather be lashed one hundred times than to get my disease cured, only so can I stay in the depressive group, and only in this group can I find my meaning and value for existence.

? ? ????我是黃越青，我永遠(yuǎn)都抹不掉自己身上那個(gè)特殊的標(biāo)簽——抑郁癥患者。

? ? ? ? I am Claudio Huang, I can never erase that special tag on my body—a depressive sufferer.