? ? ? ?Bertrand Russell, a world-renowned philosopher, wrote in his eternal classic The Conquest of Happiness that “Gradually I learned to be indifferent to myself and my deficiencies; I came to centre my attention increasingly upon external objects: the state of the world, various branches of knowledge, individuals for whom I felt affection.” and that “External discipline is the only road to happiness for those unfortunates whose self-absorption is too profound to be cured in any other way.”

?????? If I read him right, he stressed that we should look for happiness externally, instead of being self-centred. This idea echoes with what is expressed in the article we’ve just learnt today: it is our human nature to connect with others, otherwise we would feel a great extent of pain.

?????? But in the very same chapter, Russel described a modern world teeming(充滿的) with unhappy individuals. “If you are unhappy yourself, you will probably be prepared to admit that you are not exceptional in this. If you are happy, ask yourself how many of your friends are so. And when you have reviewed your friends, teach yourself the art of reading faces; make yourself receptive to the moods of those whom you meet in the course of an ordinary day.

?????? A mark in every face I meet,

?????? Marks of weakness, marks of woe(悲傷),

says Blake.”

?????? If we could agree that no deep relationship could be developed without sharing of misfortunes, we could easily spot a problem here. Let’s look back: what happened the last time you listened to somebody’s headaches? You were as patient as you can, nodding, comforting, and smiling the entire hour, and by the end, he or she seemed better, but hell no, there was something inside you that had been building up the entire time. It could be many things, but mostly sadness, tiredness, among other possible negative emotions and a silent hope that he or she would not bring it up again.

?????? It was too much for you. You couldn’t put yourself into his or her shoes, because you were not him or her, you hadn’t been through what he or she had been through, and at the end of the day, you didn’t trust people that much because you had seen so many of them lie every single day. However, it even could be worse if you had been through similar or worse situations, because there was already too much food on your own plate. And if you couldn’t even make head nor tail of your own heap of troubles, why would anyone want anymore? Either way, you would very likely be at a loss, and so was your prematurely-ended sprout of relationship.

?????? Simply put, we all want to be around happy people, or people when they seem happy, and this mindset, which kind of forces us to look happy all the time, is generating an insincere atmosphere for everyone, making an already tough life even tougher.

?????? To counter this, Russel suggested that we should abolish war, rid ourselves of economic exploitation and educate ourselves of cruelty and fear. I failed to see the link but why bother, because the third one is probably the only one that individuals like us could work on. Sadly, he didn’t expand on this topic, at least not in the part I’ve read. But it seems to me that the solutions, as following, are two folds.

? ? ? ?1. Care.

?????? It was the third year of me being a teacher. I was working in a small company in Huangpu District, when I first met the then Junior High student, Han. He struck me as a rather strange person, being unnaturally aggressive in our first class, which?even drove me out of the classroom for at least three times. Seeing me not being offensive, he behaved a little in the following days, until after a week or two, he stared into me while for at least ten minutes, I was contemplating for a question he asked.

?????? He changed afterwards, and in the end of his learning contract, he would accompany me downstairs to watch me buy fast food whenever he had the chance, we shared quite some time when his family agreed for us to eat out, and one night, I even went to the hotel he and his grandma was staying, trying to bring a little comfort to a small quarrel.

?????? “We will be friends forever.” he said, and true, he still invites me to his home, though it’s hard to really find the time. Last year, he even sent me, as a gift, an album of my favourite band, which, by the way, is still unopened, saved for the love of my life.

?????? It was very rare for my caring about others worked out that way, because mostly people would just walk away. But when it does, it could mean the world.

? ? ? ?2.?Grow.

?????? When things don’t work out well, we feel hurt. That’s good, because being hurt means we cared. Once we are in?this stage, the real question?would be whether or not we care some more, which means we risk being hurt again.

?????? The article above mentioned that we should exercise our connection muscles, and it’s actually a very accurate analogy(比喻): we feel hurt when we exercise our biceps(二頭肌), in the same way, we feel hurt when we try to connect, and each time we go through pain, we become a little stronger.

?????? The trick here is to trust ourselves in our capacity to endure pain, both physically and mentally, and to learn to embrace our inherent fear of the unknown, which once again echoes with Russel’s third suggestion, so you know it is, undeniably, trustworthy.

?????? You can never be truly lonely, as long as you care and grow, and your life will be forever connected, thus meaningful.