中英文稿

當(dāng)我還是個初中科學(xué)老師時，?我常讓學(xué)生們?nèi)ビH吻他們的腦袋。?我是在參觀朋友幼兒園課堂時 獲得的靈感，?她會讓她的學(xué)生們親吻他們的腦袋，?而他們會伸出他們的手指，?輕觸一下他們的嘴， 再觸碰一下腦袋。?這畫面就像你想象得那樣可愛。?于是我決定把這個動作 帶回我的初中課堂，?這么做的效果可好可壞，?但最終這也成為了我們的一個 非常有趣的儀式。?作為一種感恩的實踐，?我會讓我的學(xué)生去親吻他們 辛勤運作了一整節(jié)課的頭腦。

在教完初中之后，?我回到了研究生院 攻讀心理學(xué)博士學(xué)位。?我的研究領(lǐng)域是積極心理學(xué)，?這是一門研究使個人和社會 茁壯成長的力量與因素的科學(xué)。?同時，我也會 向本科生和高中生教授心理學(xué)。?我熱愛教授心理學(xué)，?而我最喜歡教的 心理學(xué)基礎(chǔ)課程正是大腦。?雖然我熱愛教授有關(guān)大腦的知識，?但我認(rèn)為對于我的本科生， 也就是一群成年人來講，?親吻他們的頭腦這件事 或許有點強(qiáng)人所難。?因此，需要等到 3 年之后，?我才會再次想起那句有趣的話。

去年某一天，在教完課后，?我經(jīng)歷了嚴(yán)重的偏頭痛， 這讓我的半邊臉變得麻木，?也讓我的視線變得模糊。?偏頭痛不斷發(fā)生。?我看了很多醫(yī)生，?然后我開始出現(xiàn)頭暈?zāi)垦５陌Y狀。?神經(jīng)科醫(yī)生要求我做核磁共振，?我記得當(dāng)時我非常興奮，?因為這樣我就用自己的腦成像 給學(xué)生上課了。?但事實證明，?我的核磁共振成像 看著并不是特別理想。?醫(yī)生打電話給我，讓我去急診室，?因為我的右腦 有一個大面積的陰影，?我就是在那里 第一次看到了這個圖像。

我這輩子從來沒有 像那天晚上那樣害怕過，?在醫(yī)院里，淚水不斷從我的臉頰滴落。?自從離開我的初中教學(xué)課堂以來， 我第一次親吻了我的腦袋。?我把這當(dāng)成了每日祈禱，?而且在手術(shù)前后的每一天， 我都會親吻我的腦袋。?然后，在手術(shù)兩周后，?病理報告出來了，?我被診斷為 間變性惡性星形細(xì)胞瘤。

在這之后的每一周都無比的艱難。?我試圖通過回顧所有 我寫過的有關(guān)這段經(jīng)歷的文字，?來找出到底是什么 最令我感到煎熬。?在收到那份病理報告大約一周后，?我寫下了這句話并把它 發(fā)到了Instagram上：?“我會繼續(xù)抗?fàn)帯?我會繼續(xù)熱愛，我會繼續(xù)生活，?我會繼續(xù)熱愛，我會繼續(xù)生活。”?大約一周之后，我寫道：?“斗士。?我試圖成為一名斗士 看看感覺怎樣，?因為我總會聽到這些詞 出現(xiàn)在我名字旁邊，?像是一個工作，像是一個身份， 像是一個角色。?斗士。?我看著鏡子里的自己。?起初，這感覺還可以，?但不久后這就變得太令人疲憊、?太沉重、?太多、太令人壓抑。?我把它拋在了身后。?一場并非我所期望的戰(zhàn)爭。?一個不想淪為戰(zhàn)場的身體?！?/p>

我意識到我經(jīng)常 被灌輸 “斗爭” 的思維。?當(dāng)人們聽到我的診斷時， 我便成為了一個斗士。?最多的評論包括 “你是一個斗士”，?“繼續(xù)抗?fàn)幇伞保?“戰(zhàn)勝腫瘤”。?在網(wǎng)上，?我迫切地尋找著?確診后依然活得很好的人。?但是搜索度最高的話題分別是?#braintumorssuck (#腦瘤爛透了)，?#cancersucks (#癌癥爛透了)?和 #cancerfighter (抗癌斗士)。?我完全理解 為什么這些話題會存在，?但我迫切地想找到一個類似?“#嗨我有一個可能永遠(yuǎn)不會消失的腦瘤 但我仍然我活著并且茁壯地成長著”的話題，?但貌似大家并不怎么關(guān)注這個話題。?我很討厭 “與自己的大腦抗?fàn)帯?的說法，?因為我花了數(shù)月、 數(shù)年的時間親吻它。?我很討厭他人試圖給我的腫瘤 一個罪大惡極的命名，?因為事實是?它將會在我的余生一直做我的鄰居。?我不喜歡引導(dǎo)性意象訓(xùn)練，?它要求我把化療想象成 一支來與癌細(xì)胞作戰(zhàn)的軍隊，?而我不想把生命中一年多的時間 花在與自己的身體抗?fàn)幧稀?/p>

我明白這種有關(guān) “抗?fàn)幑适隆钡脑?或許能夠激勵人們，?但我知道對我來講， 這是不會管用的。?于是，我開始參考我從自己的研究中 所學(xué)到的有益身心健康的實踐方法。?當(dāng)發(fā)現(xiàn)我的專業(yè)是 生物心理學(xué)和神經(jīng)科學(xué)，?并且還是一名心理學(xué)博士生時， 醫(yī)生們總是會和我一起大笑。?然后當(dāng)他們問我我在研究什么，?而我回答我研究 心理韌性和幸福感時，?他們要么再次開始笑起來， 要么說一些類似?“哦，這好像不太相關(guān)” 的話，?或者說： “哎?！?我從來沒有忘記過這種諷刺。?我讀過很多關(guān)于 心理韌性的故事和研究，?但我從未設(shè)想過有一天 我必須親身感受它。

我閱讀并教授了有關(guān)感恩的實踐法， 特別是作為一種提升幸福感的途徑。?盡管我知道感恩法的積極效果，?我從未在嚴(yán)格意義上踐行過它。?我開始將這些實踐方法中的 一部分融入我的生活。?我試圖不再僅僅關(guān)注 我的身體做了什么 “錯事”，?而是開始專注于感恩自己的身體。?我意識到這實際上是 我在術(shù)前和術(shù)后的日子里?親吻我的頭腦時， 所一直在做的事情。?當(dāng)全世界都在告訴我 我應(yīng)該與疾病和殘疾斗爭時，?感恩的心成為了幫助我重新調(diào)整 自己對它們的看法的工具。?我沒有思考將來我是否能生孩子。?我想到的是我的大腦 盡管受到了損傷，?但卻仍能神奇地向 我的身體輸送適量的荷爾蒙 ，?讓我得以產(chǎn)生足夠的卵子， 以備日后之需。?每次我去做放射治療， 被戴上面罩時，?我都會親吻我的頭腦， 并專注地聽住院醫(yī)生告訴我?“健康的細(xì)胞將能 隨著時間的推移自我修復(fù)，?而癌細(xì)胞則不能”。?而當(dāng)我的手術(shù)記錄出來時，?我大聲把它讀了出來。我很清楚地 記得這一天，也曾很畏懼這一天。?我啜泣著， 流下了喜悅和感恩的淚水，?想著我的神經(jīng)外科醫(yī)生團(tuán)隊 所做的一切。?我開始對科學(xué)、醫(yī)學(xué)和我的 醫(yī)療團(tuán)隊產(chǎn)生了巨大的感恩之情，?這些想法開始淹沒 “我以后的 生活會是什么樣子？” 的想法。

我越是踐行感恩，越會在自己 所處的境遇里感到平靜。?而這讓我對感恩科學(xué)在 神經(jīng)學(xué)層面上的體現(xiàn)產(chǎn)生了興趣。?感恩之心在心理與社交方面 有許多正向的影響。?比如提升幸福感、減少抑郁情緒、?擁有更牢固的關(guān)系以及 更積極的情感。?功能性磁共振成像（fMRI）研究表明，?當(dāng)我們體驗和表達(dá)感恩時，?我們大腦的多個部位 和神經(jīng)通路都會被激活。?這其中包括內(nèi)側(cè)前額皮層，?一個與管理負(fù)面情緒有關(guān)的區(qū)域。?總體上，這些神經(jīng)遞質(zhì)和 荷爾蒙的變化?與被激活的神經(jīng)通路相結(jié)合，?幫助我們在認(rèn)知上 調(diào)整潛在的有害思想，?從而更好地應(yīng)對我們所處的境況。?而最酷的是，我們可以有意地去 激活我們大腦中的這些感恩回路。?一般來說，一件事情我們 做得越多，它就會變得越容易。?而我們的大腦也是如此。?我們越經(jīng)常激活這些感恩回路，?下次刺激這些通路 所需的工夫就越少，?這些通路就會變得越強(qiáng)大。?“神經(jīng)可塑性” 是我教給我學(xué)生的一個術(shù)語，?它指的是我們的大腦終生 能夠形成新的神經(jīng)連接的能力。?這意味著這是一件任何人 都可以加以練習(xí)，?并且隨著時間的推移 變得更好的事情。

所以我一直在踐行感恩， 即使是在看似不可能的時候。?我繼續(xù)感謝著我的大腦，?感謝它在我準(zhǔn)備今年的 12 輪化療時 所做的令人驚喜的工作。?每天早上醒來，我都會雷打不動地?寫下我感恩的三件事， 以及我為之感恩的原因。?我給許多人寫了 “感謝信”， 這其中包括我的健康護(hù)理英雄們、?那些靜脈注射扎針一次性 就成功的護(hù)士、?那位在我手術(shù)中意識清醒時 握著我手的麻醉科住院醫(yī)生、?在治療期間播放 我的歌單的放射治療技師，?以及每次走進(jìn)醫(yī)院時 都令我喜笑顏開的行政人員。

在此，我要將我教授的理論 付諸于實踐，?致敬密歇根大學(xué)醫(yī)學(xué)院跨學(xué)科 腦瘤診所的我的醫(yī)生們及其團(tuán)隊。?我從來沒有遇到過如此聰明、?善良和耐心的人。?謝謝你們在我感到畏懼時 讓我變得勇敢。

我想全宇宙可能都會覺得?一個研究幸福感的心理學(xué)導(dǎo)師和研究 人員最后得了腦瘤這件事很可笑。?事實是，我們需要更多 對于腦瘤和腦癌的關(guān)注與研究。?醫(yī)生們無法精確地預(yù)測 我的腫瘤將如何發(fā)展，?說實話，我們?nèi)魏稳硕紵o法精確地 預(yù)測我們的生活將會是什么樣子，?但我希望我能向你證明我們也可以 對意外的挑戰(zhàn)感到感恩。

我并不想否定那些覺得 “抗?fàn)幑适隆?很有激勵性的人。?我也絕不是想說在面對逆境時， 找到感恩的方法是件容易的事，?這是我這輩子做過的 最困難的事情。?但我想激勵那些和我有同樣感受的人，?告訴他們有另一種渡過難關(guān)的方式，?愛自己的身體不一定需要前提，?并且，通過踐行感恩，?我們實際上可以改變 我們大腦的結(jié)構(gòu)，?從而幫助我們建立心理韌性。

最后，?我希望每個人， 無論你在哪里，在做什么，?都能花一些時間去親吻自己的腦袋，?并感謝它為你所做的一切。

When I was middle school science teacher,?I would often ask my students to kiss their brain.?I got this idea from visiting my friend's kindergarten classroom.?She would ask her students to kiss their brain,?and they would take their fingers,?tap them to their mouth and then to the top of their head.?And it truly was as cute as you can picture it to be.?So I decided to bring it back to my middle school classroom,?which could have gone one of two ways,?but it ended up being a really fun ritual for us, too.?And I would ask them to kiss their brain for all the work they did in class?as a practice of gratitude.

After teaching middle school,?I came back to grad school to get my PhD in psychology.?My research is within the area of positive psychology,?which is the science that investigates the strengths and factors?that allow individuals and communities to thrive.?I also get to teach psychology to undergrad students?and high school students.?I love teaching psych,?and my absolute favorite unit to teach In Intro Psych is the brain.?But while I love teaching about the brain,?I thought it would be pushing it to ask my undergrads, aka adults,?to kiss their brains.?So three years would go by?before I would remember that fun phrase.

One day after teaching last year,?I had a terrible migraine that left half of my face numb?and blurred my vision.?The migraines kept happening.?I saw multiple doctors,?and then I started experiencing dizzy spells.?The neurologist ordered an MRI,?and I remember being so excited?because then I would be able to use my own brain pictures?when I taught brain imaging to my students.?But as it turns out,?my MRI wasn't too picture perfect.?The doctor called me and asked me to go to the ER?because there was a large mass in the right hemisphere of my brain,?and that's where I saw the image for the first time.

I have never been more scared in my life than I was that night,?and with tears dripping down my face,?in the hospital,?I kissed my brain for the first time?since I had left my middle school classroom.?I made it my mantra,?and I kissed my brain every single day,?leading up to and after surgery.?Then, two weeks later, after surgery,?the pathology reports came back?and I was diagnosed with an anaplastic astrocytoma.

The weeks following were very difficult.?I tried to figure out what I was struggling with the most?by looking back on all the things I had been writing about this experience.?I wrote and posted this on Instagram?about a week after I received that pathology report:?"I will keep fighting.?I will keep loving, I will keep living,?I will keep loving. I will keep living."?And then about a week after that, I wrote this:?"Fighter.?I tried it on to see how it felt?because I kept hearing those words next to my name,?like a job, like an identity, like a role.?Fighter.?I look at myself in the mirror.?It felt OK at first,?but soon it became exhausting,?too heavy to lift,?too much to carry, too burdensome to bear.?I took it off and left it on the floor.?War was not for me.?A body is not a battlefield."

I realized that I had been introduced to the fight narrative.?When people heard my diagnosis, I became a fighter.?"You're a fighter," "Keep fighting,"?"Beat this tumor," were the top comments.?And then there was the internet,?the place I so desperately searched?for people who were doing well with their diagnosis.?But the top hashtags to search for were #braintumorssuck,?#cancersucks and #cancerfighter.?I understand completely why those hashtags exist,?but I was so eager to find the hashtag?#hiIhaveabraintumorthatmightnevergoaway andImstilllivingandthriving?and I guess there just isn't a ring to that one.?I hated the idea that I was going to be at war with my brain?because I had spent months and years kissing it instead.?I hated the suggestion of naming my tumor something awful?because the reality is?that it was going to be my neighbor for the rest of my life,?and I hated the guided imagery training?that asked me to picture chemo as an army coming to battle the cancer cells?because I didn't want to spend over a year of my life?at war with my own body.

I can see how these elements of the fight narrative?can be empowering for people,?but for me, I knew it wasn't going to work.?So I started to reference well-being practices?that I had learned from my own studies.?Doctors always laugh with me?when they find out that I'm a bio-psych and neuroscience major?and psych PhD student.?Then when they ask what I'm studying?and I tell them I study resilience and well-being,?they either laugh again, say something like,?"Oh, that's irrelevant,"?or go, "Aw."?The irony was never lost on me.?I have read so many stories and studies of resilience,?but I never pictured the day that I would have to personally experience it.

I read and taught about gratitude practices,?specifically as a well-being strategy,?and even though I knew the positive effects,?I had never seriously practiced them myself.?I started to incorporate some of these exercises into my life.?I tried to stop focusing on what my body had done "wrong"?and focus on the gratitude I had for my body instead.?And really, I realized this is something I had been doing?when I was kissing my brain those days?leading up to and after surgery.?Gratitude became the tool?that helped me restructure my vision of illness and disability?when the world was telling me I should fight it instead.?Instead of thinking about if I would be able to have kids one day,?I thought of how amazing it was that my brain, despite its trauma,?was able to deliver the perfect amount of hormones to my body?to produce enough eggs to save for a later date.?Every time I went to radiation and was put in my mask,?I kissed my brain and I focused on the resident?telling me how the healthy cells would be able to repair over time?and the cancer cells could not.?And when the operative notes came back for my surgery,?a day that I remember very well and had been scared to think about,?I read the note out loud,?sobbing, happy and grateful tears,?thinking about what my neurosurgeon's team did.?I started to feel such an immense sense of gratitude?for science, medicine and my medical team,?that those thoughts started to drown out?the "What is my life going to be like?" thoughts.

The more I practiced gratitude, the more peace I felt in my situation,?and this got me interested in what could be happening?with the science of gratitude at a neurological level.?There are several positive psychological and social outcomes of gratitude,?like increases in happiness, decreases in depression,?having stronger relationships and experiencing positive emotion.?And fMRI studies show us?that several parts of our brain and pathways are activated?when we experience and express gratitude.?One of these parts is the medial prefrontal cortex,?an area associated with the management of negative emotions.?Together, these changes in neurotransmitters and hormones?combined with activated neural pathways,?help us cognitively restructure potentially harmful thoughts?to better manage our circumstances.?And the cool thing is?that we can intentionally activate these gratitude circuits in our brain.?In general, the more we do something, the easier it becomes,?and our brains work the same way.?The more we activate these gratitude circuits,?the less effort it takes to stimulate those pathways the next time,?and the stronger those pathways become.?Neuroplasticity is a term I teach my students?that refers to our brain's ability to form new neural connections throughout life.?Which means this is something that anyone can practice?and get better at over time.

So I kept practicing gratitude even when it seemed impossible.?I continue to thank my brain for the amazing work it does?as I prepare for 12 more rounds of chemo this year.?I write down three things I'm grateful for?and why I'm grateful for them, no matter what,?every morning that I wake up.?I write "thank you" notes to my heroes and health care,?nurses who get the IV in the first time.?The anesthesiology resident,?who held my hand during the awake portions of my surgery,?radiation therapist that play my playlist during treatment?and administrative staff that makes me smile?every time I walk into the hospital.

I do want to take a second here and practice what I teach?to shout out my doctors and their teams?from the Michigan Medicine Multidisciplinary Brain Tumor Clinic.?I have never met such intelligent,?kind and patient people.?Thank you for making me feel brave?when I sometimes felt the opposite.

I think the universe might think it's funny?that a psych instructor and researcher who studies well-being?ended up with a brain tumor.?The truth is that we need more awareness and more research?regarding brain tumors and brain cancer.?Doctors can't exactly predict how my tumor will behave,?and really, none of us?can predict what our lives are going to be like exactly.?But what I hope I can show you is that we can also be grateful?for the unexpected challenges.

I don't want to dismiss people?who may find the fight narrative empowering.?I also don't want to suggest that it's by any means easy?to find ways to be grateful in dealing with adversity.?This has been the hardest thing that I've ever had to do.?But I do want to empower those that feel like me,?that there's another way to go through whatever your journey may be,?that loving your body doesn't have to be conditional.?And that by practicing gratitude?we can actually wire our brains to help us build resilience.

And lastly,?I hope everyone, no matter where you are or what you are doing,?can take a second to kiss your own brain?and thank it for all that it does for you.