I'm here today to talk about a disturbing question, which has an equally disturbing answer. My topic is the secrets of domestic violence, and the question I'm going to tackle is the one question everyone always asks:

今天，我想聊一個令人不安的問題，這個問題的答案同樣令人煩擾。我要說的是家庭暴力的秘密，而我將要回答的問題這個問題每個人都曾經(jīng)問起：

Why does she stay? Why would anyone stay with a man who beats her? I'm not a psychiatrist, a social worker or an expert in domestic violence. I'm just one woman with a story to tell.

為什么她（家庭暴力受害者）會留下來？怎么會有人愿意和一個打她的男人繼續(xù)住在一起？” 我并不是精神病醫(yī)生、社會工作者、也不是家庭暴力方面的專家。我只是一個有著親身經(jīng)歷要講述的女人。

I was 22. I had just graduated from Harvard College. I had moved to New York City for my first job as a writer and editor at Seventeen magazine. I had my first apartment, my first little green American Express card, and I had a very big secret.?

當時我22歲，剛從哈佛學(xué)院畢業(yè)，我搬到了紐約，開始了自己第一份工作在“Seventeen”雜志社當編輯和撰稿人。我第一次有了自己的房子（公寓），有了第一張信用卡。我還有一個非常大的秘密。

My secret was that I had this gun loaded with hollow-point bullets pointed at my head by the man who I thought was my soulmate, many, many times.

這個秘密就是我曾經(jīng)被我認為是我靈魂伴侶的男人用這把裝滿空心彈頭的槍指著我的頭太多、太多次。

The man who I loved more than anybody on Earth held a gun to my head and threatened to kill me more times than I can even remember. I'm here to tell you the story of crazy love, a psychological trap disguised as love, one that millions of women and even a few men fall into every year. It may even be your story.

這個我曾經(jīng)最愛的人，用槍指著我的頭，并威脅要殺掉我，我已經(jīng)記不得對我做了多少次?，F(xiàn)在我所講述的這個“瘋狂愛情”的故事，是一個偽裝成愛情的心理陷阱，每年都會有上百萬的女性，甚至也包括一些男性會掉進這個陷阱?；蛟S，它正發(fā)生在你的身上。

I don't look like a typical domestic violence survivor. I have a B.A. in English from Harvard College, an MBA in marketing from Wharton Business School. I've spent most of my career working for Fortune 500 companies including Johnson & Johnson, Leo Burnett and The Washington Post. I've been married for almost 20 years to my second husband and we have three kids together. My dog is a black lab, and I drive a Honda Odyssey minivan.

我看起來不像是典型的家庭暴力受害者，我擁有哈佛學(xué)院的英語學(xué)士學(xué)位，還拿到了沃頓商學(xué)院的市場營銷方面的MBA學(xué)位。我決大多數(shù)時間都在為"財富"500強公司工作，包括強生、李奧貝納和華盛頓郵報。我嫁給我的第二任丈夫差不多20年了并育有3個孩子。我養(yǎng)了一只黑色拉布拉多獵犬，開本田奧賽德面包車。

So, my first message for you is that domestic violence happens to everyone — all races, all religions, all income and education levels. It's everywhere. And my second message is that everyone thinks domestic violence happens to women, that it's a women's issue. Not exactly. Over 85 percent of abusers are men, and domestic abuse happens only in intimate, interdependent, long-term relationships, in other words, in families,the last place we would want or expect to find violence, which is one reason domestic abuse is so confusing.

這就是我要告訴你的第一個事實：家庭暴力可能發(fā)生在每個人身上，無關(guān)你的種族、信仰、收入和教育水平，它隨處可見。我要說的第二個事實，是很多人認為既然家庭暴力發(fā)生在女性身上，那應(yīng)該是女性自身的問題。不是的，超過85%的施虐者是男性，并且家庭暴力只發(fā)生在親密的、相互依存的、長期的關(guān)系中， 換句話說，發(fā)生在家庭中，這是我們最不愿意，或最不期望看到暴力的地方。這也是為什么家庭暴力如此叫人困擾的原因之一。

I would have told you myself that I was the last person on Earth who would stay with a man who beats me, but in fact I was a very typical victim because of my age. I was 22, and in the United States,women ages 16 to 24 are three times as likely to be domestic violence victims as women of other ages, and over 500 women and girls this age are killed every year by abusive partners, boyfriends, and husbands in the United States.

我原本以為世界上只有我一個人會繼續(xù)留在一個打我的男人身邊，但是事實上在我這個年齡段這種事情非常普遍。我當時22歲。而在美國，16至24歲的女性相比其他年齡段的女性 受到家庭暴力傷害的可能性要高出兩倍以上。同樣在美國，每年有超過500位婦女或女孩被施虐者殺害，兇手是她們的男友，或者丈夫。

I was also a very typical victim because I knew nothing about domestic violence, its warning signs or its patterns.

我是一個非常典型的受害者，還因為我家庭暴力的預(yù)兆和發(fā)展模式一無所知。

I met Con or on a cold, rainy January night.He sat next to me on the New York City subway, and he started chatting me up.He told me two things. One was that he, too, had just graduated from an Ivy League school, and that he worked at a very impressive Wall Street bank. But what made the biggest impression on me that first meeting was that he was smart and funny and he looked like a farm boy. He had these big cheeks, these big apple cheeks and this wheat-blond hair, and he seemed so sweet.

我在一個雨夜遇見了康納，那時是一月份，天很冷。我們在紐約的地鐵上碰巧坐在一起， 他先跟我聊了起來。他告訴我兩件事。第一件是他也畢業(yè)于常春藤聯(lián)盟學(xué)校，并且在一個非常好的華爾街銀行工作。但是第一次見面給我留下最深印象的是他的智慧和幽默，而他的外貌看起來像農(nóng)場男孩。他的臉頰像大蘋果一樣紅撲撲的 小麥色的金發(fā)，看起來十分討人喜歡。

One of the smartest things Conor did, from the very beginning, was to create the illusion that I was the dominant partner in the relationship. He did this especially at the beginning by idolizing me.We started dating, and he loved everything about me, that I was smart, that I'd gone to Harvard, that I was passionate about helping teenage girls, and my job.He wanted to know everything about my family and my childhood and my hopes and dreams.

在初次交往中康納做的最聰明的事情，是讓我相信，在這段感情中我是強勢的一方。尤其剛開始的時候，他讓我覺得我是他崇拜的偶像。我們開始交往，他喜歡關(guān)于我的一切，例如我的聰明，我在哈佛的求學(xué)經(jīng)歷，我給予青少年女性的熱情幫助，以及我的工作。他很愿意了解我的家庭、我的童年、我的愿望和夢想。

Conor believed in me, as a writer and a woman, in a way that no one else ever had. And he also created a magical atmosphere of trust between us by confessing his secret, which was that, as a very young boy starting at age four, he had been savagely and repeatedly physically abused by his stepfather,and the abuse had gotten so bad that he had had to drop out of school in eighth grade, even though he was very smart, and he'd spent almost 20 years rebuilding his life. Which is why that Ivy League degree and the Wall Street job and his bright shiny future meant so much to him.

康納對我信任的程度，我身為一個女人和撰稿人，之前從未沒有在別人那里得到過。通過透露他不為人知的秘密，他在我們之間營造了奇特的相互信任的氛圍。他告訴我，他從四歲開始他的繼父就開始持續(xù)野蠻的在身體上虐待他。虐待的結(jié)果是如此之壞，使得他不得不在八年級的時候輟學(xué)，盡管當時他十分的聰明。他花了幾乎20年的時間重建他的生活。這也就是為什么常春藤大學(xué)的學(xué)位， 華爾街的工作和光明的未來，對他意義重大。

If you had told me that this smart,funny, sensitive man who adored me would one day dictate whether or not I wore makeup, how short my skirts were, where I lived, what jobs I took, who my friends were and where I spent Christmas, I would have laughed at you, because there was not a hint of violence or control or anger in Conor at the beginning.I didn't know that the first stage in any domestic violence relationship is to seduce and charm the victim.

如果那時有人對我說這個聰明、幽默、體貼并喜歡我的男人，會有一天命令我是否化妝，我的裙子能多短，我生活在哪，要做什么工作，能和誰交朋友和在哪度過圣誕，我會嘲笑你，因為我在康納身上看不出一點暴力或者控制欲或者憤怒的預(yù)兆。當時我并不知道，引誘和迷惑受害者是家庭暴力關(guān)系開始的第一步。

I also didn't know that the second step is to isolate the victim. Now, Conor did not come home one day and announce,"You know, hey, all this Romeo and Juliet stuff has been great, but I need to move into the next phase where I isolate you and I abuse you" — — "so I need to get you out of this apartment where then eighbors can hear you scream and out of this city where you have friends and family and coworkers who can see the bruises."

我當時也不知道，第二步是孤立受害者。康納并不是回到家，向我宣布 “嘿，雖然羅曼蒂克之類的很棒，但是我們要進入下一階段了我要孤立你然后虐待你。” “所以我要你離開你自己的公寓， 防止你的鄰居他聽見你的慘叫，我還要讓你離開這個有你的朋友、家人和同事的城市不然他們會看到你的傷痕。”

Instead, Conor came home one Friday evening and he told me that he had quit his job that day, his dream job, and he said that he had quit his job because of me, because I had made him feel so safe and loved that he didn't need to prove himself on Wall Street anymore, and he just wanted to get out of the city and away from his abusive,dysfunctional family, and move to a tiny town in New England where he could start his life over with me by his side.

事實是，康納在一個周五的晚上回到家，告訴我他辭掉了他的工作，他夢寐以求的工作。他說他是因為我才辭職，我讓他擁有了無比的幸福和安全感，他再不需要到華爾街證明自己?，F(xiàn)在他只想離開這座城市，原理那個充滿虐待的、不正常的家庭，搬到新英格蘭的某個小鎮(zhèn)和我一起在那里開始新的生活。

Now, the last thing I wanted to do was leave New York, and my dream job, but I thought you made sacrifices for your soulmate, so I agreed, and I quit my job, and Conor and I left Manhattan together. I had no idea I was falling into crazy love, that I was walking headfirst into a carefully laid physical, financial and psychological trap.

當時，我最不想做的就是離開紐約、離開我熱愛的工作，但是為了自己靈魂伴侶，我想我需要做出犧牲。所以我同意了，辭掉了工作，跟康納一起離開了曼哈頓。我以為自己陷入了瘋狂的愛情，還不知道我已經(jīng)懵懂的走進了一張精心編織的控制你身體、心靈和經(jīng)濟的陷阱。

The next step in the domestic violence pattern is to introduce the threat of violence and see how she reacts. And here's where those guns come in. As soon as we moved to New England — you know,that place where Connor was supposed to feel so safe — he bought three guns. He kept one in the glove compartment of our car. He kept one under the pillows on our bed, and the third one he kept in his pocket at all times. And he said that he needed those guns because of the trauma he'd experienced as a young boy. Heneeded them to feel protected. But those guns were really a message for me, and even though he hadn't raised a hand to me, my life was already in grave danger every minute of every day.

家庭暴力模式的第三階段就是開始用暴力威脅（受害者）并觀察她的反應(yīng)。這就是剛才（我拿出來的）槍的用途。我們剛搬到新英格蘭小鎮(zhèn)——我想，康納應(yīng)該是覺得這里很安全—— 他就買了三支槍。一支放在車子的置物箱里，一支放在床的枕頭下面，第三支則一直放在口袋里。他說小時候的精神創(chuàng)傷使得他需要擁有這些槍來讓他自己保持安全感。那些槍對我來說是一個明顯的信號，盡管他并沒有拿起槍指著我，我已經(jīng)無時不刻不處在危險的邊緣。

Conor first physically attacked me five days before our wedding. It was 7 a.m. I still had on my nightgown. I was working on my computer trying to finish a freelance writing assignment, and Igot frustrated, and Conor used my anger as an excuse to put both of his hand saround my neck and to squeeze so tightly that I could not breathe or scream,and he used the choke hold to hit my head repeatedly against the wall. Five days later, the ten bruises on my neck had just faded, and I put on my mother's wedding dress, and I married him.

康納第一次打我是在我們婚禮的五天前。那是早上七點，我還穿著睡袍。我正在用電腦工作，想要完成自由職業(yè)撰稿的任務(wù)，當時我有些煩躁，康納以我的憤怒為借口，用雙手掐住我的脖子，死死的掐著，讓我無法呼吸，喊不出聲。他從背后勒著我的脖子 一次一次的把我的頭往墻上撞。五天之后，脖子上的十個手指印剛消退，我就穿上我媽媽的婚紗， 嫁給了他。

Despite what had happened, I was sure we were going to live happily ever after, because I loved him, and he loved me so much. And he was very, very sorry. He had just been really stressed out by the wedding and by becoming a family with me. It was an isolated incident, and he was never going to hurt me again.

盡管發(fā)生了那些事情，我還是相信我們以后能幸福的生活，因為我們?nèi)绱说南鄲?，也因?他表現(xiàn)出的深深的悔意。他只是壓力太大了，婚禮的籌備和我家庭成員的到來讓他喘不過氣。這是一個意外，而他以后不會再傷害我。

It happened twice more on the honeymoon.The first time, I was driving to find a secret beach and I got lost, and he punched me in the side of my head so hard that the other side of my head repeatedly hit the driver's side window. And then a few days later, driving home from our honeymoon, he got frustrated by traffic, and he threw a cold Big Mac in my face. Conor proceeded to beat me once or twice a week for the next two and a half years of our marriage.

蜜月期間我又被打了兩次。第一次，我駕車去尋找秘密的海灘，我迷路了， 他（坐在副駕駛座上）不停的打我的頭，打得如此的使勁以至于我的頭不斷的撞到駕駛座車門的玻璃。沒過幾天，過完蜜月開車回家的路上堵車讓他很煩躁，他把一個冰冷的巨無霸砸在我的臉上。在我跟康納兩年半的婚姻生活中，我每周都會被打一到兩次。

I was mistaken in thinking that I was unique and alone in this situation. One in three American women experiences domestic violence or stalking at some point in her life, and the CDC reports that 15 million children are abused every year, 15 million. So actually, I was in very good company.

我曾經(jīng)誤以為只有我一個人有這樣的遭遇。事實上，每三個美國女性中就有一個曾是家庭暴力受害者或潛在的目標，而CDC的報告稱每年有1500萬的兒童遭受虐待，1500萬。所以事實上，我不是個例。

Back to my question: Why did I stay? The answer is easy. I didn't know he was abusing me. Even though he held those loaded guns to my head, pushed me down stairs, threatened to kill our dog,pulled the key out of the car ignition as I drove down the highway, poured coffee grinds on my head as I dressed for a job interview, I never once thought of myself as a battered wife. Instead, I was a very strong woman in love with a deeply troubled man, and I was the only person on Earth who could help Conor face his demons.

回到我的問題：為什么我要留下來了？答案很簡單。我并不知道他是在虐待我。盡管他用上膛的槍指著我的頭，把我推下樓梯，威脅殺掉我們的狗，在高速公路上拔掉車鑰匙，在我為了面試而準備著裝時把咖啡粉從我頭上倒下來，我從來沒有想過自己是一個受到虐待的妻子。正好相反，我是一個很強硬的女性深愛著這個飽受困擾的男人，而且我是這世上唯一一個可以幫助康納面對自己心魔的人。

The other question everybody asks is, why doesn't she just leave? Why didn't I walk out? I could have left any time. Tome, this is the saddest and most painful question that people ask, because we victims know something you usually don't: It's incredibly dangerous to leave an abuser. Because the final step in the domestic violence pattern is kill her.

大家都想問的另一個問題是，為什么她不離開？我為什么沒有逃跑？我有很多的機會。對我來說，這是人們問過的最讓我傷心和痛苦的問題，你不能理解，但是只有我們受害者自己清楚離開施虐者是多么的危險。因為在家庭暴力中的最后一步就是殺掉她。

Over 70 percent of domestic violence murders happen after the victim has ended the relationship, after she's gotten out, because then the abuser has nothing left to lose. Other outcomes include long-term stalking, even after the abuserre marries; denial of financial resources; and manipulation of the family court system to terrify the victim and her children, who are regularly forced by family court judges to spend unsupervised time with the man who beat their mother. And still we ask, why doesn't she just leave?

超過70%的家庭暴力謀殺 發(fā)生在受害者結(jié)束這段關(guān)系后， 在她離開之后，因為施虐者已經(jīng)毫無顧忌。其他可能的結(jié)果包括長期的跟蹤，甚至施虐者再婚之后（仍會跟蹤）；拒絕經(jīng)濟支持；欺騙家庭法庭來恐嚇受害者和她的孩子。孩子們通常會被家庭問題法官要求和那個打他們母親的男人一起度過一段無人監(jiān)管的時間?，F(xiàn)在我們?nèi)匀粫?，她為什么不逃走?/p>

I was able to leave, because of one final,sadistic beating that broke through my denial. I realized that the man who I loved so much was going to kill me if I let him. So, I broke the silence. I told everyone: the police, my neighbors, my friends and family, total strangers, and I'm here today because you all helped me.

我之所以決定離開，是因為最后一次殘暴的毆打突破了我能承受的極限。我意識到如果我不反抗，這個我曾深愛的男人會殺掉我。所以我打破了沉默。我向所有人求助：警察，鄰居，我的朋友和家人，完全陌生的人，今天我能站在這里，因為你們每個人都幫助了我。

We tend to stereotype victims as grisly headlines, self-destructive women, damaged goods. The question, "Why does she stay?" is code for some people for, "It's her fault for staying," as if victims intentionally choose to fall in love with men intent upon destroying us.

我們傾向于將受害者描述成作賤自己、輕浮的女人，就像新聞中可怕的標題所言?！盀槭裁此粝?？” 問這個問題的一些人實際上在說，“這是她自己的錯“， 就好像受害者是有意的和意圖摧殘她們的男人相愛。

But since publishing "Crazy Love,"I have heard hundreds of stories from men and women who also got out, who learned an invaluable life lesson from what happened, and who rebuilt lives —joyous, happy lives — as employees, wives and mothers, lives completely free of violence, like me.

但”Crazy Love”這本書出版之后，很多男人和女人跟我訴說了他們的故事，他們也想告訴別人，他們從發(fā)生的事情中學(xué)到了無價的一課，他們重新開始了生活——開心快樂的生活——作為員工、妻子和母親，就像我現(xiàn)在一樣生活，遠離暴力。

Because it turns out that I'm actually a very typicaldomestic violence victim and a typical domestic violence survivor. I remarrieda kind and gentle man, and we have those three kids. I have that black lab, and I have that minivan. What I will never have again, ever, is a loaded gun held to my head by someone who says that he loves me.

實際上，我是典型的家庭暴力受害者， 也是典型的家庭暴力幸存者。我和一個溫柔善良男人再次結(jié)婚， 有了三個孩子。我養(yǎng)了一只黑色拉布拉多獵犬，開本田奧賽德面包車。而我永遠不會再擁有的， 永遠 是一個嘴里說愛我的人用上膛了的槍指著我的腦袋。

Right now, maybe you're thinking,"Wow, this is fascinating," or, "Wow, how stupid was she,"but this whole time, I've actually been talking about you. I promise you there are several people listening to me right now who are currently being abused or who were abused as children or who are abusers themselves. Abuse could be affecting your daughter, your sister, your best friend right now.

此時此刻，你可能在想，哇，這才神奇了，或者，“喔，她真蠢，” 但是在整個過程中，事實上，我在談?wù)摰氖悄?。我敢保證，現(xiàn)在正在聽我說話的人中有一些人正遭受著虐待或者曾經(jīng)在小時候被虐待過，或者你就是一個施虐者。虐待可能正發(fā)生在你的女兒身上，發(fā)生在你的姐妹、你最好的朋友身上。

I was able to end my own crazy love story by breaking the silence. I'm still breaking the silence today. It's my way of helping other victims, and it's my final request of you. Talk about what you heard here. Abuse thrives only in silence. You have the power to end domestic violence simply by shining a spotlight on it.

我能夠結(jié)束自己“瘋狂的愛”的故事靠的是打破沉默。今天我仍然在打破著沉默。這是我?guī)椭渌氖芎φ叩姆绞?，同時也是我對你們最后的請求。告訴別人你今天聽到的。虐待只能活在沉默中。你有能力制止家庭暴力只需要點亮星星之火。

We victims need everyone. We need every one of you to understand the secrets of domestic violence. Show abuse the light of day by talking about it with your children, your coworkers, your friends and family. Recast survivors as wonderful, lovable people with full futures. Recognize the early signs of violence and conscientiously intervene, deescalateit, show victims a safe way out. Together we can make our beds, our dinner tables and our families the safe and peaceful oases they should be.Thank you.

我們受害者需要每一個人的幫助。我們需要你們每一個人理解家庭暴力的秘密。和你的孩子，你的同事，你的朋友和家人討論這個話題，將虐待曝之于光，幫助幸存者重新找回美好、可愛的自己，重新?lián)碛形磥怼０l(fā)現(xiàn)家庭暴力的預(yù)兆并認真的干預(yù)， 減少發(fā)生的可能性，給受害者提供安全的出路。讓我們攜起手來，讓我們的床，我們餐桌和家庭成為它們應(yīng)該成為的安全、和平的綠洲。謝謝。