The Importance of Singlehood單身的重要性

One of the most important preconditions of a good relationship is a satisfactory perspective on being single. The more we are happy to be on our own, the more we will be able to exercise the correct degree of caution around finding a new companion. The bedrock of true love?is happy singledom. Unfortunately, our societies do very little to help us be calm or at ease in our own company. Singledom is framed as an involuntary, depressing and always, hopefully temporary state. The notion that someone might want or need to be on their own, perhaps for a long while, terrifying the world shaped by legions千軍萬馬；軍團of silently miserable couples?who need confirmation that they have not chosen the wrong path.一段良好關(guān)系的最重要的先決條件之一是對單身有一個滿意的看法。我們越是樂于獨處，就越能在尋找新伴侶時保持正確的謹慎。真愛的基礎(chǔ)是快樂的單身生活。不幸的是，我們的社會很少幫助我們在獨處時保持冷靜或放松。單身被框定為一種不由自主的、令人沮喪的、總是希望是暫時的狀態(tài)。有人可能想要或需要獨自生活，也許是很長一段時間，這種想法讓這個世界感到恐懼，這個世界是由大量默默痛苦的夫婦塑造的，他們需要確認自己沒有選擇錯誤的道路。

To enforce the idea of what single people are missing, advertisers can never have enough of showing off tantalizing images of happy couples walking hand in hand on beaches. And most entertainment venues, holiday destinations and social occasions feel compelled to patronize光顧；惠顧, overcharge and otherwise demean anyone who has the impudence to venture out on their own. Unfortunately, being miserable while single fatally undermines our judgment about who we might get together with. When someone is starving, they will eat anything. Dostoevski wrote a harrowing?short story about a famished child who eats a candle made of pig fat and we're equally liable, in emotional desperation, to run into the nearest nightclub to secure a chump?we’ll be appalled to find beside us at daybreak. We eventually learn: being in an unsatisfactory relationship is clearly worse but?is even more lonely than being alone. 為了讓人們明白單身人士錯過了什么，廣告商總是不停地展示幸福的情侶們在海灘上手拉手散步的誘人照片，而大多數(shù)娛樂場所、度假勝地和社交場合都不得不光顧那些膽敢獨自出門的人，收取過高的費用，甚至以其他方式貶低他們。不幸的是，單身時的痛苦會致命地削弱我們對對象的判斷。當一個人餓了的時候，他們什么都吃。陀思妥耶夫斯基寫了一個悲慘的短篇故事，講的是一個饑餓的孩子吃了一根豬油做的蠟燭。在情緒絕望的時候，我們同樣有可能跑到最近的夜總會去找一個傻乎乎的人，天亮?xí)r我們會驚訝地發(fā)現(xiàn)他就在我們身邊。我們最終會明白：一段不令人滿意的關(guān)系顯然更糟糕，且比一個人更孤獨。

The central challenge of being alone is coping with the fear of what singlehood means. Being alone is bearable in relation to how “normal”(that highly nebulous yet highly influential concept) the condition feels to us at any given point. It can either be a break from an honorably busy life or sure evidence that we are an unwanted, wretched, disgusting and emotionally diseased being. This is tricky, but ultimately very hopeful for it suggests that if only?we could work on what being alone means to us, we could theoretically endure long periods alone. 單身的核心挑戰(zhàn)是應(yīng)對單身意味著什么的恐懼。在任何給定的時間點上，孤獨對我們來說都是“正?！钡?這是一個非常模糊但非常有影響力的概念)。它可以是忙碌生活中的短暫休息，也可以是我們是一個不受歡迎的、可憐的、令人厭惡的、情感上有疾病的人的確鑿證據(jù)。這很棘手，但最終還是很有希望的，因為它表明，要是我們能弄清獨處對我們意味著什么，理論上我們就能忍受長時間的獨處。

To build ourselves?a new mental model?of what being alone should truly mean, we might rehearse a few of the following arguments. Despite what an unfriendly voice inside our heads might tell us: we are the ones who can choose whether or not to be alone, our solitude is willed rather than imposed. No one ever needs to be alone, so long as they don't mind who they are with, but we do mind. the wrong kind of company is a great deal lonelier for us than being by ourselves, that is, it's further from what matters to us, more grating in its insincerity and more of a reminder of disconnection and misunderstanding than is the conversation we can have in the quiet of our own minds. Being alone is not proof that we have been rejected by the world, it's a sign that we've taken a good look at the available options and have with wisdom?done some rejecting ourselves.為了給自己建立一個關(guān)于獨處的真正意義的新思維模式，我們可以排練一下下面的一些論點。雖然我們腦海中有一個不友好的聲音可能會告訴我們:我們可以選擇是否獨處，我們的孤獨是自愿的，而不是強加的。沒有人需要獨處，只要他們不介意和誰在一起，但我們確實介意。對我們來說，不合適的同伴比獨處要孤獨得多，也就是說，它離我們真正關(guān)心的事情更遙遠，它的虛偽更令人討厭，比我們在自己內(nèi)心平靜的對話更能提醒我們脫節(jié)和誤解。孤獨并不能證明我們被這個世界拒絕了，它只是一個跡象，表明我們已經(jīng)好好審視了可用的選擇，并明智地拒絕了自己。

?Another big thought is that we need to appreciate how long it will take to find someone, given how choosy we are. For very good reasons, we aren't just looking for anyone. The right candidate will be no less easy to find than a great job or a beautiful house. It might take many months, probably years. Expectations matter. If we regard a decade as a plausible time frame, then six months will skip by. There is no better guarantee of a successful relationship than knowing that we could and can manage perfectly well on our own. It means that we will only look for someone who can deeply contribute to our life, not someone who can do the laundry with us, or keep us company on Sunday evenings. This gives us the strength to back out of unsatisfactory unions as quickly as we should. Being in a couple can't and shouldn't mean that we are utterly reliant on the other for our self esteem or daily self management, or for the meeting of our domestic needs. 另一個重要的想法是，考慮到我們有多挑剔，我們需要意識到找到一個人需要多長時間。出于很好的理由，我們不是隨便找個人。找到一個合適的候選人并不比找到一份好工作或一幢漂亮的房子更容易。這可能需要幾個月，甚至幾年。預(yù)期很重要。如果我們認為10年是一個合理的時間框架，那么6個月就會轉(zhuǎn)瞬即逝。要想擁有一段成功的感情，最好的保證就是知道我們能夠自己處理得很好。這意味著我們只會尋找對我們的生活有深刻貢獻的人，而不是可以和我們一起洗衣服，或在周日晚上陪伴我們的人。這給了我們力量，讓我們盡快退出不滿意的關(guān)系。在一對夫妻中，不能也不應(yīng)該意味著我們完全依賴于另一個人來獲得自尊或日常自我管理，或滿足我們的家庭需求。

When we have under our belt a significant experience of thriving on our own, we will be able to cope with the inevitable points at which even a very nice partner can't sustain us; we’ll be less demanding, more competent and more forensic in what we seek from a lover. It turns out that our willingness to stay on our own is what centrally predicts how likely we’ll be to find and bring to fruition a relationship with someone else. Being at ease with being single is the needed secure platform from which to make a sane and wise choice about who to create a joint life with.當我們有了靠自己茁壯成長的重要經(jīng)歷時，我們將能夠應(yīng)對不可避免的時刻，這些時刻即使是非常好的伴侶也無法支撐我們。我們對愛人的要求會更低，更有能力，更有鑒別力。事實證明，我們保持獨立的意愿主要預(yù)測了我們找到并實現(xiàn)一段關(guān)系的可能性。坦然面對單身是一個必要的安全平臺，在這個平臺上，你可以理智而明智地選擇與誰共同生活。