Christmas Special: The Party Games

So, how's it all looking from the Chief Whip's office?

You know perfectly well, if Eric gets it, we'll have a party split in three months.

If it's Duncan, it'll take three weeks.

Geoffrey, the PM's asked me to take you into my confidence.

I shouldn't tell you but there are security question marks

over both the current candidates.

What question marks? Alas, I can say no more.

The only person I can disclose this to in the PM's absence,

and as it is a party matter, is the chairman of the party.

Jim Hacker. He's promised to join us.

But do you think the party can find a compromise candidate?

Could be half a dozen. Have you considered the chairman?

Jim Hacker?!

Jim Hacker...

Yes, it is possible, isn't it?

After all, there have been less likely Prime Ministers.

Yes...

Who?

Oh, there must have been!

Sorry

Yes? Oh, all right. Send him in.

Minister, so good of you to call.

Henry. Morning.

Do sit down. Minister...

...I have a problem and I need your help.

Oh, dear! Can't you run the country on your own?

It is a rather grave matter, I'm afraid. Yes, of course.

About the election. The PM felt we had to call you in.

That bad, eh?

There are certain items of confidential information

In theory might be susceptible of interpretation,

do nevertheless contain a sufficient element of ambiguity,

were they to be presented in a less than generous manner,

might be a source of great embarrassment and even hazard

to impinge upon the deliberations of more sensitivity.

I'm sorry?

About security question marks. Security? What do you mean?

Secrets. I know what security means.

But what do you mean? I'm not allowed to know.

Why not? Security.

Since in the PM's absence you are deputising on party matters,

I can show you the file on the Chancellor of the Exchequer?

Technically, I can't show you any of it, but, er...

under the circumstances, I can show you relevant items.

Here's a summary of the reports from the security services.

Special Branch...

There we are.

Interview with his driver.

And the PM's confidential memo.

Strictest secrecy, of course. Of course.

Dirty old...!

You wouldn't have thought he had the time,

a workaholic like Eric.

I've found that people who are highly active in one area

tend to be equally active in all the others.

You wouldn't think he went in for...

I understand the current expression is horizontal jogging

All this was some time ago and it doesn't seem very conclusive.

That's why the PM thought it all right for him to be Chancellor.

But the Yugoslavian one and the two South Africans,

not to mention the shady lady from Argentina...

And it's thought she's just a cover anyway. Cover? What for?

Good heavens!

If all these ladies were just covers

what on earth were his real requirements?

I really can't tell you. Ooh!

So it was thought that Foreign Office might be too delicate.

I can see that! Then, if he were PM...

Head of security serv

ices as well. It's unthinkable.

You're saying it's got to be Duncan.

I was coming to that. This is his file.

Special Branch again.

Then we have the Fraud Squad...

Inland Revenue...

Bank of England foreign exchange division...

How much do you want?

All this was technically legal at the time, wasn't it?

Yes but it ruled him out of consideration for the Treasury.

How did they get all this Ml5?

let's just say it's all been gone into quite enough.

Like the shady lady!

Isn't it all astounding? I don't know. I haven't seen it

Don't think me foolish. Oh, Minister, perish the thought

Geoffrey. Why are you here? We dare not allow these scandals.

If they are, it would embarrass the country and the party

if either of them became head of government.

We can't be caught with our trousers down. Like Eric!

I see.

Yes, this is serious.

Very serious. Very serious.

What happens if one them became PM? Something very serious

Very serious. I see.

Serious repercussions... Serious repercussions...

...of the utmost seriousness.

Yes, that is serious.

I would say that it could hardly be more serious.

Well, I think we're all agreed, then, this is serious.

Yes.

What happens now?

The party needs to agree on another candidate, quick.

The Chief Whip wondered if you had any ideas As Party chairman

Well, it's rather difficult.

You're looking for a potential Prime Minister.

Someone who's sound. Yes.

Likeable.

Flexible.

Yes. Normal.

Solvent. Yes.

And acceptable to both wings of the party.

And someone who understands how to take advice

Yes. Well...

Gosh! Who can I suggest?

Have you thought of doing the job yourself? Me?!

Why not? Wouldn't you want to be Prime Minister?

I'd love to be, but... It's a very big job

I'm not sure I could. Prime Minister!

Perhaps He feels he's not Prime Ministerial calibre.

There isn't any doubt about that, Humphrey

No, not in my mind. But you seem hesitant.

Modesty forbids. But I have no doubt I can do the job.

Modestly put. There's only one fly in the ointment.

You're a bit of an outsider

Can you organise some public success in the next few days?

A tall order. I'm up to my neck in the Euro sausage!

Won't it be enough to let people know I want the job?

Quite the reverse! better to let people know you DON'T want it.

Would that be enough? If you tell everybody that, yes.

Leave it to me. Say you have no ambitions in that direction.

Supposing somebody says, "Do you refuse to stand?"

the media try to trap you. It's not my place, but?previously answer was "While one does not seek the office, one has pledged oneself to the service of one's country, and if friends persuade one that was the best way to serve, one might have to accept the responsibility whatever one's own private wishes might be

...private wishes might be. Yes, I think I've got that.

So, it's a three-way election, then.

it should be an unopposed. Unity sits well with the public.

The party will welcome that. Eric and Duncan won't!

Eric and Duncan must be persuaded to withdraw.

Oh. You mean you'll have a word with them

I can't. I haven't seen the files.

Humphrey, then. No, it's an internal party matter.

It would be most improper. Well, who...

You don't mean...?

I can't! No one else can.

You want me to tell one of my colleagues

he's a swindler and the other he's a pervert!

Say you don't believe they've done anything wrong.

Just let them know you know something.

They'll tell me to mind my own business!

Then you say, as chairman, it's your duty

to see the information reaches those who need to know.

The Party Executive, major contributors,

elder statesmen, patrons, the Palace, perhaps.

Tell them they have no alternative but to pull out

and support someone who will protect them.

You want me to protect them?

It's nobody else's business as long as security's not involved.

I don't have the stomach. You have no choice. you know.

Nobody else knows. Let's just forget all about it!

That would be very courageous. Courageous? Why?

If later emerged you had the information and suppressed it

You mean you'd leak it? Covering up for your chums...

Greater love hath no man than should lay down his career.

Humphrey, you're threatening me!

No, Minister, I'm helping you.

You see there's one other quality Prime Ministers need.

The killer instinct.

The killer instinct.

Yes.

Ah, thanks.

Well, here's to Number 10, eh? Thanks... I mean, yes.

What's up, Jim?

Duncan...

...I have a problem. You're not going to support me.

Yes. No. Yes, no?

Exactly.

Some information has come my way.

Oh, yes? Serious information.

Concerning your...financial operations. I beg your pardon?

The collapse of Continental and General. just bad luck.

The transfer of funds to directors' nominee companies.

There's nothing wrong with that. Technically, but...

in conjunction with a similar case at Offshore Securities?

Where did you get this? Sorry, if you're running for PM

I shall share what I know with senior party members.

there'd have to be an enquiry by Inland Revenue,Fraud Squad

None of that need matter if it's all above-board.

And I'm sure it is, if you say so, Duncan.

There was nothing improper. Good, then I'm free to talk about it,

bring it all out into the open. Hold on!

Financial matters can be misinterpreted.

How true.

Look, Jim, I'm not sure that I really want Number 10.

Foreign Office is a better job. But I won't support Eric.

Suppose Eric didn't get it?

How about transfer all your support to someone else?

Who?

It would have to be somebody who recognised your qualities,

who'd want you to stay at the Foreign Office.

Someone who could be discreet about Continental and General.

Someone you could trust.

An old friend.

Do you mean you?

Me? I have absolutely no ambition in that direction.

You DO mean you!

I see. You do realise this is serious, Eric?

Yes. And you're not going to help me, right? Yes.

You are or you're not? Yes.

Jim! I'm going to help you,

but not to become PM.

You said you were. Until I heard about the lady from Argentina.

And others. I see.

As Party chairman I have my duty.

It'd be a disaster if you became PM and all this came out.

I wouldn't care to have to explain it to Her Majesty.

Would you?

I'll withdraw.

I think that's very sensible.

So we'll say no more about it to anyone.

Thanks, Jim.

So Duncan will get Number 10. Not if I can help it.

Who, then? Cheers.

You don't mean YOU? Me?

Annie and I are hoping to spend more time together.

You DO mean you!

Minister. Humphrey, what's the hurry?

I've arranged a meeting with the European Commissioner.

Maurice? He flew out this morning.

His flight's been delayed. So?

We might persuade him to solve our sausage problem.

How? (PHONE RINGS)

Excuse me... Yes?

Oh, yes, ask him to come in, will you? Thank you.

Leave it to me.

Just, er, just give me support when I ask for it.

Ah, Maurice, how nice to see you. Humphrey.

You know each other. Jim, to what do I owe this pleasure?

The Minister asked me to arrange this meeting

to see if you could help us with a problem. Problem.

Of course.

The problem is EEC is becoming unpopular over here.

Isn't that so? Very unpopular.

You want to restore its image? Yes.

No. No.

The Minister feels there would be more votes...

He would be better expressing the views of the British

by joining the attack than leaping to its defence.

Exactly. But your party's committed to support us!

The Minister's point, as I understand it,

is that the commitment is to the concept and the treaty.

Treaty. It's not committed to the institutions,

nor to the practices, nor to individual policies.

The Minister was giving me an example the other day.

About food production. Oh, yes.

One of your officials pays farmers to produce surplus food

while the next office pays people to destroy the surpluses.

That's not true! No?

It's not the next office, not even the same floor!

The Minister has hundreds of similar examples. Hundreds.

The Minister is starting to think that a member of the Cabinet

ought to start telling the British people about them.

But that would be intolerable!

Even the Italians wouldn't stoop that low!

Italians aren't redesignate salami as high-fat offal tubing.

And what are you proposing?

we are committed to harmonisation. We cannot call it sausage.

What do you suggest?

Well, politics is about presentation.

Why don't we call it "the British sausage"?

British sausage? Saucisse Anglaise.

Salsiccia Inglese. Britisherwurst.

Yes, I think we could... recommend that to the Commission.

Splendid!

The Minister's always said the EEC is a splendid institution.

Splendid!

The European correspondents are here now. Good. Let 'em in.

Send them in.

This is about the Euro sausage problem? That's right, Bernard.

That you've solved it. No, Bernard.

Solved problems aren't news. Bad news is good news.

I'm not give them a non-story. I'll give a disaster today

and a triumph tomorrow.?

I see.

Good morning, gentlemen! (ALL) Morning.

Do sit down. Good of you to come.

This is on a lobby basis, non-attributable.

We've got some trouble coming up with Brussels.

Somebody's going to tell you so I might as well tell you myself.

Brussels is about to make the British sausage illegal

under EEC regulations. Minister...

...not making the sausage illegal, just the name

Thank you, Bernard. I'll deal with that later.

What do you mean, "illegal"? Effectively illegal.

pork sausage will contain 75% pork. The same for beef sausage.

75% lean pork too?

75% lean beef.

make it a luxury food. When's this being promulgated?

Next month, probably. They'll deny it

tell you they're just discussing changing its name.

What is the government going to do? I just don't know.

It's a big problem. I won't pretend we've got an answer.

Well, I must rush. Any more questions?

When can we use this? Tomorrow, as far as I'm concerned.

Bernard will give you a drink in the press office.

You realise the press will print something isn't true?

Really?

How frightful!

Today's main story about the European ban on the British sausage has caused a major political storm. Westminster sources say the sausage could be another banana skin. Adds to the government's problems with the succession. The two obvious candidates for the leadership represent the extreme wings of the party. Pressure is mounting for them to withdraw in favour of a compromise candidate. No other contender seems to have caught the public imagination.

Now sport…

Turn it off, Donald.

Is it true about the compromise candidate? I believe so.

Where DO they get their information? I can't imagine, Bernard!

Anyway, I never said compromise. I said moderate.

Incidentally, why are BBC TV

and ITN covering your speech this evening?

I can't imagine, Bernard.

I know fire policy in government is important but...

Someone suggested I was going to raise other issues as well.

Who? I can't imagine, Bernard.

I am a good European. I believe in the European ideal.

Never again shall we repeat the bloodshed of the two world wars.

Europe is here to stay.

we don't have to bow the knee to every directive

from every little bureaucratic Bonaparte in Brussels.

We are a sovereign nation still.

We are British and proud of it!

We made enough concessions to the Commissar for Agriculture.

When I say Commissar, I use the word advisedly.

We've swallowed the wine lake and the butter mountain,

we've watched our French friends beating up British drivers

carrying British lamb to the French.

We have bowed and scraped, doffed our caps,

Turned the other cheek, but I say enough is enough!

The Europeans are now threatening the British sausage.

They want to standardise it

they'll force us to eat salami and bratwurst

and other garlic-ridden greasy foods that are

totally alien to the British way of life.

Do you want salami for breakfast with your egg and bacon?

I don't! I won't!

They've turned our pints into litres and our yards into metres.

We gave up the tanner, the threepenny bit

the two-bob piece and the half crown,

but they cannot and WILL not destroy the British sausage.

Not while I'm here!

In the words of Martin Luther, here I stand. I can do no more.

Strong stuff, Minister. I feel strongly about it.

I sometimes wonder whether you media people

realise how strongly we others feel

about Britain, about our country.

We love it and we're proud of it.

You're at odds with government policy over the EEC?

I'm very happy with government policy, Sir Ludovic.

But it's never been policy to abolish the British sausage.

Sausages are full of top-quality nourishment.

Brussels denies wanting to abolish the British sausage.

They would. They know what they're up against

They know the strength of British opinion.

Your speech got a lot of coverage and a lot of praise.

Was there any significance in the timing? Sorry?

Your party is looking for leader, your name's been mentioned

Oh. Quite a lot, I believe.

But no, I've no ambitions at all in that direction.

So you definitely won't let your name go forward?

Well, Ludo... All I've...

All I wanted to do is serve my country, never sought office.

But if my colleagues persuaded me

the best place to serve it from was 10 Downing Street,

I reluctantly be persuaded to undertake the responsibility

whatever my own private wishes might be.

If you're not in the running, who will you vote for?

Well, it's far too early to say. But I will say this.

This is a time for healing.

A time to stress what we agree about

We should be looking for the good in our opponents

There's good in everyone, you know, Ludo.

Except the French! Except...

Even the French.

A message came from Central House while you were in committee.

Yes?

They brought the party meeting forward.

Brought it forward?

They'll decide if they're going to bring up another candidate

The Chief Whip will phone as soon as it's over.

W-W-Will he... W-What will they... What if...

Which phone?

What? Which phone will he ring on?

Oh. Er, this one, probably.

Or this one.

Either, really.

If Duncan and Eric withdraw, which they will,

they might not support me.

That means an election.

You're the favourite candidate for both sides,

so you'll be unopposed. That's what they say.

Oh, well... No point in worrying about it.

Might as well sit down and relax. (PHONE RINGS)

Yes?

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Bernard has an urgent message.

Minister, the Palace have been on the phone.

Will you be free to kiss hands at five o'clock?

In the event of an unopposed recommendation.

Well, I...

I think I might be able to make that.

Bernard...

Supposing... You know if I...

I'd still want a Principal Private Secretary.

Do you think, er... Oh, Minister.

Gosh!

That'll be all right, won't it, Humphrey? Well...

The Prime Minister's word is law.

Yes?

Yes.

Yes.

Yes, he's here.

I'll tell him.

It... It... It... Is...

Is i

t me?

Yes, Prime Minister!

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