Christmas Special: The Party Games

Bernard, is it important? I must finish these Defence papers.

This is more urgent, Minister. What is it?

Your Christmas cards can't be postponed any longer.

Eugh. Which is which? They're labelled.

These you sign Jim; these Jim Hacker

these Jim and Annie; these Annie and Jim Hacker;

these Love from Annie and Jim. And those?

those have cyclostyled signatures so you needn't write anything.

Make sure none of them should have been personally signed Jim

or Jim and Annie or Annie and Jim Hacker

or Love from Annie and Jim.

What about those? Constituency cards

Your agent left them.

As you see, they've been divided up. Those you sign Jim;

those Jim Hacker; those Jim and...

Thank you, Bernard! I think I've got the gist.

Is that it? Apart from the ones at Party headquarters.

Party HQ? I didn't do those last year.

You weren't Party chairman last year.

Oh. Do I have to send this one?

Why not? It's to Maurice in Brussels.

He forced through the plan to standardise the Euro sausage.

Euro sausage?

Next year we'll be waving goodbye to British sausage,

forced to accept some foreign muck

like salami or bratwurst or something.

They can't stop us eating the British sausage!

It'll be called the

emulsified high-fat offal tube!

And you swallowed it?

It's my job to implement EEC regulations.

What they got against our sausage? Don't you ever read the papers?

I glanced at it, but it rather put me off.

Apparently, there's not enough meat in it.

"The average British sausage consists of 32.5% fat, 6.5% rind,

"20% water, 10% rusk,?5% seasoning, preservative and colouring, and only 26% meat, which is mostly gristle, head meat, other offcuts and mechanically-recovered meat..."

"...steamed off the carcasses."

I don't feel particularly... I had one...

I had one for breakfast.

Perhaps the EEC commissioner is right.

He may be, but it'll be extremely unpopular with the voters.

We shall just have to grit our teeth and bite on the bullet.

You can't bite a bullet when gritting your teeth If you do that...

Sorry.

By the way, you were going to advise me

what presents to get for the private office.

That's up to you. Bottles of sherry for the assistant secretaries,

large boxes of mints for the diary secretary

and small boxes of mints for the rest.

What about my Personal Private Secretary? That's me.

Ah, yes, of course You don't have to give me anything.

I know, but I'd like to. Oh, Minister...

Well, anything, really. Such as?

Well, really I would like a surprise.

What sort of surprise should I give you?

A bottle of champagne is the customary surprise.

What time is my meeting with Humphrey? That's been cancelled.

Sir Humphrey had an urgent meeting with the Cabinet Secretary.

The Cabinet Secretary. Always makes me feel rather nervous.

Sir Arnold is the most powerful chap in the country.

controls Cabinet agenda, controls access to everything.

I wonder what he's up to?

By the way, Humphrey... Yes?

I've decided to retire early.

Oh

! Have you, Arnold?

In the New Year.

Ah...

My successor has to be firm with our political masters.

Absolutely. No nonsense with that lot!

But tactful... Exactly.

Suave, charming, emollient... And above all, sound.

Sound? Oh, yes, sound.

So my duty is to convey a recommendation to the Prime Minister

the Permanent Secretaries best meets these stringent criteria.

And, er...

...Have you, er... Er, er, is there, er... Does anyone, er...

You see, in this job, the problem isn't really finding the answers

it's finding the questions.

We need the man who can find the key question.

By the way, Arnold, to change the subject completely,

what will you be doing when you retire? Ah, very good question!

Very good question. There might be jobs you could pick up,

ways you could serve the country, which your successor

could put your way er, persuade you to undertake!

I had been giving it some thought

I'll be chairman of the Banque Occidentale

and there'll be directorships of IBM and BP and so on.

But I was thinking... Yes?

The chairmanship of the Opera House will be coming up

chairman of Covent Garden... And the chancellorship of Oxford.

The deputy chairmanship of the Bank of England would be a...

...A challenge? A challenge, exactly.

And head of the Security Commission.

The Anglo-Caribbean Association would give one...

...a chance to be of service.

Precisely!

Especially during the winter months.

I'm sure any successor worth his salt could arrange these.

Do you think so? That's very reassuring, very reassuring.

But there is another thing.

Certain advice one may have given the Prime Minister

could, if it emerged, be misinterpreted.

Er, what sort of advice? All sensible and reasonable,

but advice about using troops during strikes.

A very sensible precaution that they should be armed,

but, taken out of context, machine guns...

Oh, I'm sure that need never come out.

Negotiations about reactivating the Simonstown naval base.

Absolutely sensible strategically

a great help with the Falklands,

but as Secretary-General of the Commonwealth...

And you will be Secretary-General of the Commonwealth.

Would I? How gratifying!

And the right successor would keeping those files under wraps.

Good.

Anyway, to get back to our original point,

My colleagues and I can placing your name top of the list.

I see.

May I ask how many other names will be on the list?

Oh, I don't think there's anyone else who's up to scratch.

Have another drink.

I'll be the presidency of the Campaign for freedom of Information.

freedom of Information?! What on earth for?

Well, it's very popular with the Opposition

and it will mean one can ensure that the freedom is not abused.

So, here's to the continuity of sound government.

And freedom of information.

Whenever it's in the national interest. Oh, yes!

Minister, I have some very grave news. Yes, Humphrey?

The relationship, which I might tentatively aver, has been not without a degree of reciprocal utility and even occasional gratification, is Approaching a point of irreversible bifurcation and, to be brief, is in the propinquity of its ultimate, regrettable, termination.

I see.

I'm... on my way out. What?

One has to accept what fate has in store, when one passes on

Passes on?!

...to pastures new, perhaps greener...

In the service of one who is greater than any of us.

Humphrey, I'm so sorry! Thank you, Minister.

Does Lady Appleby know? She's suspected it for some time.

When did they tell you? This afternoon.

How long do they give you? Just a few weeks.

Weeks?!

It'll give me enough time to sort everything out.

Humphrey, you're so terribly brave!

One is a little anxious. One is always wary of the unknown

but I have faith I'll muddle through.

Minister, what's the matter?

I'm sorry, Humphrey.

It's just we've had our ups and downs, but...

Oh, Minister, don't take on so!

We'll still see one another regularly.

Yes, once a week at least. What?

I haven't told you where I'm going yet. Eh?

I have been Appointed Secretary to the Cabinet.

Secretary to the Cabinet? Why, what did you think?

I... I thought... I thought...

Sorry about crying. I'm not myself today, a little tired.

Overwrought. Things have been, you know...

I am so sorry.

Perhaps as Cabinet Secretary designate

I should suggest some lightening of the load...

No, no. Don't misunderstand me. I'm fine, fine! Good, good.

So, you're going to be Cabinet Secretary. Yes.

Cabinet Secretary! Mm-hmm.

Secretary to the Cabinet! YES!

That's a great honour. Congratulations. Thank you.

'Course, that means that you and I... Alas, yes.

How shall I manage? Probably even Better without me.

Yes, I probably... No, no, certainly not, no!

You're going to do for the PM what you've always done to me.

For me!

PM's right-hand man.

Advising on issues. Quite so.

And, er, and people, no doubt.

Minister?

Humphrey... Yes, Minister?

I want you to know I think you've been absolutely wonderful.

Highest admiration for all you've done

Wonderful work. Wonderful work.

Finest tradition of the service. Minister, you're too kind.

I just hope you feel that I... In my...

When things are... Well, it...

If it should come up, er...

I think we've made a jolly good team here, you and I?

I couldn't have wished for a Better Minister

Humphrey, you're too kind!

When are you going to tell the staff?

On Friday evening, just before it's promulgated.

I will bid them farewell at the Christmas party

And sad. Sad, yes, sad.

Terribly sad.

Enjoying yourself? Yes, thank you, Minister.

Enjoying yourself? Yes, Minister. Lovely party.

Yes, it's frightfully good fun. Always good to let your hair down.

Right, now I think it's time I said a few words.

This is a very, very special occasion for us all.

Peace on Earth, goodwill to all men.

Sorry, persons!

Good to have this little get-together who've served me, er...

...worked with me... for me... no, with me

here at the Department of Adminis...Ministry of Administr...at the DAA.

We're a team, like the Cabinet, except we're all on the same side...

Not that the Cabinet... Well, I meant... really, the shadow Cabinet.

Let's keep politics out of this. Season of goodwill.

That's why Parliament doesn't sit over Christmas!

Season of goodwill. Even to one's officials!

Well, what can I say? Humphrey.

(BERNARD) Sir Humphrey Appleby! (ALL) Sir Humphrey Appleby!

Thank you. I'd just like to thank you all for

all the hard work you've done all these years.

Occasion like this engenders a certain emotional ambiguity

What's he ambigulous about? While one is, one should say,

honoured by the cause of departure, saddened by the fact

in particular leave the service of a Minister without parallel

I say, that's jolly decent.

A unique partnership. Absolutely unique.

So I should end by wishing a hAppy Christmas to you all,

In particular to a Minister in the brief time with us

we've watched grow in standing, stature and sureness of touch.

So, seasonal felicitations to you all,

Do remember the Home Secretary's campaign for the holiday:

Don't drink and drive this Christmas.

I'll drink to that! ...Oh, dear, I'm sorry!

I do wish you'd let me drive, Jim. I'm driving perfectly stably.

True, but we have to get home before dawn!

Good evening, Constable. HAppy Crispsmas.

May I see your licence, sir? Certainly.

Aren't you Mr Jim Hacker? That's right.

What's trouble? Why you driving so slowly?

I didn't want the kerb to hit me...

I didn't want to hit the kerb.

Look, I've got a silver badge somewhere.

I see. Perhaps Constable Evans can drive you

It's all right, Officer. I'll drive.

OK, Mrs Hacker. If you're in a proper state to drive.

I don't drink, Officer. Well, not when my husband's driving.

Nor do I, hardly.

There we are. Nice little place you have here, Humphrey.

Thank you. You handled your first Cabinet meeting well.

What was it like sitting next to the PM? Do sit down, Minister.

I've asked you to drop in for a coffee because

the Home Office informs me of a traffic incident.

Yes, I see. It's entirely your own affair...

Precisely. But the PM takes a grave view.

He feels Ministers should set an example

You're not ticking me off, are you?

I'm only a servant a humble functionary.

But I need to assure the Home Office it won't occur again.

What silver badges for? It's a special privilege, Minister.

Pass through police cordons and park in prohibited areas

It is not to protect drunks who drive cars.

I will not be lectured by a functionary

I'm a Minister of the Crown. Yes, of course. I do apologise.

I will inform the Crown of the incident if that is your wish.

I...

Now I think of it, you can tell the Home Office I take the point.

Thank you, Minister. Does the Home Secretary himself know?

It hardly matters.

I'm afraid the Home Secretary has not been as lucky as you were,

which is why he wasn't at Cabinet.

He initiated "Don't drink and drive" campaign

and ordered

the police to "get tough".

Well, unfortunately...

he, too, was picked up last night for drunken driving

Have you seen the first edition of the Standard?

Where on earth was his security man? He'd given him the slip.

You know how cunning these drunks can be.

Couldn't they have hushed it up? Silver badge job?

His case was rather different. He caused a lorry to overturn

It was full of nuclear waste.

rebounded into a car driven by the editor of a local newspaper.

Oh, no.

Inevitably, it leaked out. The nuclear waste?

No, the story.

The Home Secretary will have to resign. Alas, yes.

What will hAppen to him? Well...

I gather he was as drunk as a lord

so after a discreet interval, they'll probably make him one!

He's obviously been held up.

You can stamp some cards if you like.

Aren't they to constituents? Yes.

That's political activity. I'm not allowed to help.

If they're to journalists? That'd be OK.

They're to journalists. Fine.

Licking is essential of relationships with the press.

I hear the reshuffle is about to be announced.

It's my best chance of finding out where Jim is.

There was no question of American military involved.

We've j'ust had a newsflash from Number 10 Downing Street that the Prime Minister is to retire early in the New Year. He does not want to serve in another Parliament and wishes to give his successor a good run-up to the next election. That's all we have and we'll bring you further news as soon as we can.

(ALL) Have you heard? (ALL) Yes!

The emergency Cabinet meeting was to tell us. Why so suddenly?

He said to give his successor a good run-up to the next election

so that can't be the reason.

Why, then? Some extraordinary rumours are going about.

The left say he's a secret CIA agent.

The right say he's a secret KGB agent

Minister, I've heard something quite different,

that there is ? million-worth of diamonds from South Africa

in a Downing Street safe,

but it's only a rumour. Is that true?

Yes.

So, there ARE all those diamonds in Downing Street!

Are there? You said there were!

I didn't. You did!

I said is the rumour true, you said yes!

True it's a rumour.

You heard it was true! True I heard it!

Sorry to cut in, but do you believe it?

I believe I heard it.

Oh, about the diamonds? No. Is it impossible?

No, but it's never been officially denied.

First rule of politics: Never believe anything until it's officially denied.

Will there be a general election? There's no need.

The majority's big enough. We'll just choose a new Leader.

Do you want the job? Me? No chance!

It'll either be Eric or Duncan.

It should have been Ray. He was Deputy Leader.

But as he's had to resign as Home Secretary...

Of course! That's why the PM resigned! (BERNARD) Why?

He's always hated Ray. He just hung on

to make sure his deputy didn't get the Leadership!

Like Attlee and Morrison.

So it is to give time for the new Leader to be run in?

Now that the Home Secretary's been run in

Eric wants my

support for the Leadership.

He could be the right man. He's been a fairly successful Chancellor.

I've already indicated that I'm... on his side.

What about Duncan? Yes, Duncan could be the man.

He's done fairly well at the Foreign Office.

I think I'll support Duncan

You're supporting Eric AND Duncan?

It's all very well, but if I support Eric and Duncan gets it, that's it.

If I support Duncan and Eric gets it

that's it. Don't support either!

Whoever gets it, that's it. So who are you supporting?

Duncan.

Or Eric.

Duncan's so divisive. It really would be for the good of the party,

the good of the country... Eric, I don't see how I can.

Your support would be crucial. You're universally popular...

I don't know... Good public image...

Yes... Regarded as sound.

Am I? So, if you put your weight behind me...

You see my problem as chairman of the party.

What would hAppen if Duncan got it? Disaster! Well...

Tell you what. I wouldn't keep him at the Foreign Office.

I'd look for a new Foreign Secretary.

But as I said, I must Appear impartial.

But if there could be ways of hinting at my support for you...in a perfectly impartial way.

But Duncan, as chairman of the party...

As such you carry even more weight.

You haven't got any real enemies. Not yet, anyway.

But it's my job to be impartial.

If Eric got into Number 10 it'd be catastrophic. Yes...

Jim, we're on the same side, aren't we?

Yes. Good.

I'm going to win and I never forgive people who let me down.

I can't make my support too public.

It doesn't have to be public, just so long as everybody knows.

Then when I'm in Number 10, and Eric's in Northern Ireland...

We know who'll be the next Chancellor, don't we? Do we?

You mean...?

Unless you fancy Northern Ireland yourself?

How are things at the Campaign for the freedom of Information by the way?

Sorry, I can't talk about that.

So, will the new PM be our eminent Chancellor

or our distinguished Foreign Secretary?

Well, which do you think it should be?

Difficult. Like asking which lunatic should run the asylum.

Trouble is, they're both interventionists with notions

if they became PM. Have we any allies?

Quite a few, the Chief Whip particularly.

He's worried that who gets the job will

antagonise the other's supporters

and split the party. So we need a compromise candidate.

Hmm. Malleable.

Flexible. Likeable.

No firm opinions. No bright ideas.

Not intellectually committed. No strength of purpose to change anything.

Someone who can be manipulated, professionally guided.

leave the business of government in the hands of the experts.

Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear! It's impossible.

A lot would welcome a less-interventionist Leader.

Not the other two candidates! They might be persuaded.

What, to stand aside?

Yes. Have you seen their Ml5 files?

No. Always send for Cabinet Ministers' Ml5 files

if you enjoy a good laugh!

Oh, Bernard. Sir.

Just... Thank you very much.

Do sit down. Thank you.

HAppy New Year, by th

e way. Thank you.

Right.

So...

...this is our very last piece of DAA business

Yes, I'm afraid so, Sir Humphrey.

Ah, well.

Bernard, just let me ask you something.

What would you say to your present master...

...as the next Prime Minister?

The Minister? Yes.

Mr Hacker? Yes.

As Prime Minister? Yes.

Are you in a hurry?

Just checking it's not April 1st.

you mean your Minister is not up to Prime Minister?

Oh, no, Sir Arnold, it's not for me to, er...

Well, I mean... Of course, I'm... I'm sure he's, er...

Oh, gosh!

There are many advantages in the Appointment.

For Britain. For Britain.

Yes, well, yes... So we trust you

to ensure your Minister does nothing incisive

or divisive over the next few weeks.

Expresses no firm opinion about anything.

Is that clear? I think that's what he was planning anyway.

What's it all for, Bernard?

What are we all doing? What does it all mean?

I didn't read theology, Minister.

The waste of it all. Take that EEC reception last night.

Humphrey introduced me to an official

who pays farmers to produce surplus food

and then another official who pays to destroy the surpluses.

Then they pay thousands of bureaucrats to make it all work.

Doesn't the futility of it all depress you?

Not really. I'm a civil servant.

I've been talking to Eric and Duncan.

I think I've promised to support Eric's candidature.

I see. Then I think I promised to support Duncan's.

That sounds very even-handed, Minister.

But I can't keep both promises. Sherry?

Thank you. They were only political promises.

Yes... What do you mean?

I mean, like your manifesto promises, people understand.

Yes.

But non of them made any categorical promises to me.

Then you have no problem. Have decide who to support.

It's not just picking the winner. My support could tip the balance.

Do I want to be Foreign Secretary or Exchequer?

Neither, do you? Why not?

They're both such terrible jobs!

You're talking about two of the top three Cabinet jobs.

I realise that.

As a civil servant, you don't understand politics. Sorry.

To be a success, you have to be in the limelight.

You have a very high profile as Chancellor of the Exchequer

You see now, don't you? But with respect, Minister...

The Chancellor is Mr Killjoy. Raising taxes on beer and cigarettes

cutting down public spending goes badly with electorate.

Maybe I don't want to be Chancellor of the Exchequer.

Unless you're sent to the Foreign Office as punishment.

Punishment? It's an even worse job.

No votes in Foreign Affairs? Exactly.

The FCO loves foreigners, but the British people don't.

Quite.

As far as world politics goes, the Foreign Office is an irrelevance.

We've no real power. We're just an American missile base!

Yes, Minister.

Between the devil and the deep blue sea.

Unless... Of course, there is one other option.

What other option? Do the middle job.

Home Secretary? Responsible for all the muggings, race riots?

No, thank you! No, be the one who takes all the credit.

What do you mean? You mean...?

You don't mean...?

You do mean...?

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