中英文稿

擁抱他人?當(dāng)我第一次聽到這個主題時?我覺得擁抱他人?就是擁抱我自己?對于我來說?通往理解和接納的路?是十分有意思的?并且讓我對“自我”這一概念?有了深刻的理解?我想這值得在今天和你們分享

我們都有一個自我?但我并不認為這是與生俱來的?你看那些剛出生的小嬰兒?他們認為自己屬于任何事物?他們并不是脫離的?這種最基本的同一性?會很快從我們身上消失?如同最初始的狀態(tài)已經(jīng)結(jié)束?同一性：嬰兒期?未成形的，原始的?將不復(fù)存在?取而代之的是分離?在嬰兒期的某一點?關(guān)于自我的意識?開始萌芽?我們同一性的一小部分被賦予了一個名字?被告知關(guān)于它自己的任何事情?這些細節(jié)?觀點和想法?變成事實?這些都幫我們形成自我?以及自己的身份?然后這個自我就成為一個工具?用來探索周圍的這個世界?但是這個自我實際上是一個投影?以其他人的投影為基礎(chǔ)?這就是真正的我們嗎？?是我們真正想成為，或者應(yīng)該成為的人嗎？

在我成長過程中?我一直都很難處理?自我與身份之間的相互影響?那個我嘗試著向周圍的世界展示的自我?被一次又一次拒絕?因為沒有一個合適的自我?而帶來的恐慌?以及因為被拒絕?而產(chǎn)生的惶恐?引起了我的焦慮，羞愧?還有無望?這些在很長一段時間里都限制了我?但當(dāng)我回想過去?對于自我的毀滅反復(fù)出現(xiàn)?我開始看出一些規(guī)律?一個自我被改變?被影響，被打擊破壞?但有一個新的會形成?有時更強?有時充滿仇恨?有時則根本不想出現(xiàn)?這個自我并不是恒定的?在我還沒有意識到?這個自我曾經(jīng)從未存在時?我的“自我”?會死多少次呢？

我于上世紀七十年代?生長在英格蘭的海岸邊?我父親是來自康沃爾的白人?我母親是來自津巴布韋的黑人?對于許多人來說?是無論如何也想不到我們是一家人?但大自然自有意想不到的一面?棕色的孩子出生了?但自從五歲開始?我就察覺出我的格格不入?我是一個信奉無神論的黑人孩子?在一個由修女運轉(zhuǎn)的白人天主學(xué)校?我是一個另類?我的自我在不斷尋找一個定義?并試圖將自己套入定義?因為自我都是愿意去融入?看到自己被復(fù)制?有歸屬感?那能確認自我的存在感?和重要性?這很重要?這有一個極端重要的功能?沒有一個對自我的定義，我們簡直不能和其他人交流?我們無法制定計劃?無法爬上潮流和成功?的階梯?但我的膚色不對?我的發(fā)色不對?我的來歷不對?我的自我?被他人定義?這意味著在社會上?我并不存在?我首先被定義為一個另類?甚至先于被定義為一個女孩?我是一個引人注意的沒有人

在這個時候?另一個世界出現(xiàn)了?那就是表演和舞蹈?對于自我糾纏不清的恐懼?在我跳舞時并不存在?我像是失去了自己?我是一個好的舞蹈演員?我會把?我所有的感情?投入到舞蹈中去?在舞蹈中?我能完成我在現(xiàn)實中?自己無法做到的動作

當(dāng)我16歲時?我無意中遇到另一個機遇?得到了我的第一個電影角色?我難以找到言語?來形容在表演中?我感受到的平靜?我那殘缺的自我?終于融入了?不是我自己的另一個自我?這種感覺真好?那是我第一次存在于?一個正常運作的自我?一個我可以控制的?可以操縱的?可以賦予生命的自我?但是拍攝的日子終會結(jié)束?我也會回到?我那扭曲尷尬的自我

當(dāng)我19歲時?我已經(jīng)是一個羽翼豐滿的電影演員?但卻仍在尋找定義?我在大學(xué)里?申請攻讀人類學(xué)?Phyllis Lee博士對我進行了面試?她問我：“你怎樣定義種族？”?嗯，我覺得我有答案?然后我說：“膚色。”?她繼續(xù)問道：“也就是生物學(xué)基因上的差異？”?“因為，桑迪，膚色并不準確。?在一個黑皮膚的肯尼亞人?和一個黑皮膚的烏干達人?之間存在的基因差異?實際上超過在一個黑皮膚的肯尼亞人?和一個，比如說，白皮膚的挪威人之間的差異?因為我們都起源于非洲?所以在非洲?更有可能產(chǎn)生?基因多樣性?！?換句話說?種族這一說法?并沒有生物學(xué)或科學(xué)基礎(chǔ)?一方面，這是結(jié)果?對嗎？?另一方面，我對自我的定義?則失去了相當(dāng)大一部分的可信度?可以相信的?以及生物學(xué)和科學(xué)事實?就是我們都起源于非洲?實際上，起源于一個叫做線粒體夏娃的女人?她生活在十六萬年前?種族是一個不合法的概念?是我們自己創(chuàng)造出來的?基于恐懼和無知

奇怪的是，這些啟示?并沒有治愈我那缺少的自尊?那種被劃為另類的感覺?我渴望消失的想法?依舊十分強烈?我有一個劍橋的學(xué)位?我的事業(yè)蒸蒸日上?但我的自我卻如同一場車禍?最終我患上貪食癥?并接受治療?我當(dāng)然會這樣?我依舊相信?我的自我就是我的全部?我依舊認為自我價值?高于其余任何價值?不然還能怎樣呢？?我們創(chuàng)造了整個價值系統(tǒng)?以及一個客觀的現(xiàn)實?用以支持自我的價值?看看由個人形象帶動的產(chǎn)業(yè)?還有它提供的工作?以及它創(chuàng)造的價值?我們可能會假設(shè)?這個自我是真實存在的?但我們錯了；這只是一個投影?是由我們聰明的大腦創(chuàng)造出來的?來欺騙我們自己?無需面對死亡的現(xiàn)實

但總有一些事?能賦予自我?終極無盡的聯(lián)系?那就是同一性?我們的本源?自我對于?真實性和定義的掙扎?永遠不會停止?除非自我能夠與創(chuàng)造者相連?與你，與我?這和意識的覺醒一同存在?意識到同一性的現(xiàn)實?以及自我的投影?一開始，我們可以想想?那些我們失去自我的時候?當(dāng)我跳舞時?表演時?我根植于我的本源?我的自我被抑制了?在那些時刻?我與萬物相連?大地，空氣?聲音，觀眾的能量?我的所有感官都是警覺和鮮活的?如同一個嬰兒感受到的一般?那種同一性的感覺

當(dāng)我表演一個角色時?我進入了另一個自我?我在一段時間內(nèi)賦予其生命?當(dāng)自我被抑制時?它的多樣性?和判斷也會一同被抑制?我出演過許多角色?從奴隸時代想要復(fù)仇的鬼魂?到2004年的國務(wù)卿?無論這些角色?是多么的不同?他們?nèi)寂c我相連?我誠懇地認為?我作為一個演員能夠成功的關(guān)鍵?以及作為一個不斷進步的人?是因為自我的缺失?這讓我覺得?非常焦慮和不安?我總是在想?為什么我能如此深切地感受到他人的痛苦?為什么我能辨認出?一個被忽視的人?那是因為我沒有一個自我擋在中間?我想我缺少一種介質(zhì)?我能夠感受他人這個事實?說明我感受不到我自己?這曾經(jīng)導(dǎo)致了我的羞愧?其實是給我啟蒙的源頭

當(dāng)我意識到?并真正明白?自我是一個投影，并有它自己的功能時?一件有意思的事發(fā)生了?我不再給我的自我過多的權(quán)利?我給它應(yīng)得的回報?我?guī)ブ委?我已經(jīng)非常熟悉?自我的不正常運作了?但我并不為我的自我感到羞愧?事實上，我尊重我的自我?和它的功能?經(jīng)過時間和練習(xí)?我不斷嘗試過一種?順從我的本源的生活?如果你能做到這一點?將會發(fā)生不可思議的事情

二月份的時候我在剛果?與那些自我曾遭受?難以想象的毀滅的?女人們一起?跳舞慶祝?因為在那片美麗的土地上?那些被殘酷對待的心理變態(tài)的自我?正不斷滿足我們對于?iPod以及iPad等光鮮事物的癮?這些更進一步阻礙我們?去感受她們的痛苦?她們的遭遇?她們的死亡?因為?當(dāng)我們都活在自己的世界里?并以為這就是生活?那我們就是在貶低生活的價值?并且變得越來越遲鈍?在那樣一個被隔斷的狀態(tài)里?我們可以建造沒有窗戶的工廠?破壞海洋生命?把強奸視為戰(zhàn)爭的一種武器?這有一個對自我的建議?在我們這個被構(gòu)造的世界里?已經(jīng)開始出現(xiàn)裂縫?海水將持續(xù)不斷?從裂縫中涌出?石油和鮮血?匯流成河

關(guān)鍵在于我們尚未找出?怎樣與地球和萬物一起?生活在同一性中?我們一直在瘋狂地尋找?怎樣和數(shù)十億的其他人一起生活?只是我們并非和其他人一起生活?我們瘋狂的自我們在一起生活?與他人的隔斷?也如同傳染病一般蔓延

讓我們生活在一起?歇一口氣，慢慢來?如果我們能進入那沉重的自我?點燃一支覺察的火炬?尋找我們的本源?我們和永恒?以及萬物的聯(lián)系?我們從出生那天就知道的聯(lián)系?我們無須因為?大量的空虛而慌張?相比于我們創(chuàng)造出的那些?這空虛更加真實?想像我們能有怎樣的存在方式?當(dāng)我們正視自我不可避免的死亡?感恩生命的權(quán)利?驚異于即將到來的事物?這些都來自于簡單的覺察

感謝聆聽

Embracing otherness.?When I first heard this theme,?I thought, well, embracing otherness?is embracing myself.?And the journey to that place?of understanding and acceptance?has been an interesting one for me,?and it's given me an insight?into the whole notion of self,?which I think is worth sharing with you today.

We each have a self,?but I don't think that we're born with one.?You know how newborn babies?believe they're part of everything;?they're not separate??Well that fundamental sense of oneness?is lost on us very quickly.?It's like that initial stage is over --?oneness: infancy,?unformed, primitive.?It's no longer valid or real.?What is real is separateness,?and at some point in early babyhood,?the idea of self?starts to form.?Our little portion of oneness is given a name,?is told all kinds of things about itself,?and these details,?opinions and ideas?become facts,?which go towards building ourselves,?our identity.?And that self becomes the vehicle?for navigating our social world.?But the self is a projection?based on other people's projections.?Is it who we really are??Or who we really want to be, or should be?

So this whole interaction?with self and identity?was a very difficult one for me growing up.?The self that I attempted to take out into the world?was rejected over and over again.?And my panic?at not having a self that fit,?and the confusion that came?from my self being rejected,?created anxiety, shame?and hopelessness,?which kind of defined me for a long time.?But in retrospect,?the destruction of my self was so repetitive?that I started to see a pattern.?The self changed,?got affected, broken, destroyed,?but another one would evolve --?sometimes stronger,?sometimes hateful,?sometimes not wanting to be there at all.?The self was not constant.?And how many times?would my self have to die?before I realized?that it was never alive in the first place?

I grew up on the coast of England?in the '70s.?My dad is white from Cornwall,?and my mom is black from Zimbabwe.?Even the idea of us as a family?was challenging to most people.?But nature had its wicked way,?and brown babies were born.?But from about the age of five,?I was aware that I didn't fit.?I was the black atheist kid?in the all-white Catholic school run by nuns.?I was an anomaly,?and my self was rooting around for definition?and trying to plug in.?Because the self likes to fit,?to see itself replicated,?to belong.?That confirms its existence?and its importance.?And it is important.?It has an extremely important function.?Without it, we literally can't interface with others.?We can't hatch plans?and climb that stairway of popularity,?of success.?But my skin color wasn't right.?My hair wasn't right.?My history wasn't right.?My self became defined?by otherness,?which meant that, in that social world,?I didn't really exist.?And I was "other" before being anything else --?even before being a girl.?I was a noticeable nobody.

Another world was opening up?around this time:?performance and dancing.?That nagging dread of self-hood?didn't exist when I was dancing.?I'd literally lose myself.?And I was a really good dancer.?I would put?all my emotional expression?into my dancing.?I could be in the movement?in a way that I wasn't able to be?in my real life, in myself.

And at 16,?I stumbled across another opportunity,?and I earned my first acting role in a film.?I can hardly find the words?to describe the peace I felt?when I was acting.?My dysfunctional self?could actually plug in?to another self, not my own,?and it felt so good.?It was the first time that I existed?inside a fully-functioning self --?one that I controlled,?that I steered,?that I gave life to.?But the shooting day would end,?and I'd return?to my gnarly, awkward self.

By 19,?I was a fully-fledged movie actor,?but still searching for definition.?I applied to read anthropology?at university.?Dr. Phyllis Lee gave me my interview,?and she asked me, "How would you define race?"?Well, I thought I had the answer to that one,?and I said, "Skin color."?"So biology, genetics?" she said.?"Because, Thandie, that's not accurate.?Because there's actually more genetic difference?between a black Kenyan?and a black Ugandan?than there is between a black Kenyan?and, say, a white Norwegian.?Because we all stem from Africa.?So in Africa,?there's been more time?to create genetic diversity."?In other words,?race has no basis?in biological or scientific fact.?On the one hand, result.?Right??On the other hand, my definition of self?just lost a huge chunk of its credibility.?But what was credible,?what is biological and scientific fact,?is that we all stem from Africa --?in fact, from a woman called Mitochondrial Eve?who lived 160,000 years ago.?And race is an illegitimate concept?which our selves have created?based on fear and ignorance.

Strangely, these revelations?didn't cure my low self-esteem,?that feeling of otherness.?My desire to disappear?was still very powerful.?I had a degree from Cambridge;?I had a thriving career,?but my self was a car crash,?and I wound up with bulimia?and on a therapist's couch.?And of course I did.?I still believed?my self was all I was.?I still valued self-worth?above all other worth,?and what was there to suggest otherwise??We've created entire value systems?and a physical reality?to support the worth of self.?Look at the industry for self-image?and the jobs it creates,?the revenue it turns over.?We'd be right in assuming?that the self is an actual living thing.?But it's not. It's a projection?which our clever brains create?in order to cheat ourselves?from the reality of death.

But there is something?that can give the self?ultimate and infinite connection --?and that thing is oneness,?our essence.?The self's struggle?for authenticity and definition?will never end?unless it's connected to its creator --?to you and to me.?And that can happen with awareness --?awareness of the reality of oneness?and the projection of self-hood.?For a start, we can think about?all the times when we do lose ourselves.?It happens when I dance,?when I'm acting.?I'm earthed in my essence,?and my self is suspended.?In those moments,?I'm connected to everything --?the ground, the air,?the sounds, the energy from the audience.?All my senses are alert and alive?in much the same way as an infant might feel --?that feeling of oneness.

And when I'm acting a role,?I inhabit another self,?and I give it life for awhile,?because when the self is suspended?so is divisiveness?and judgment.?And I've played everything?from a vengeful ghost in the time of slavery?to Secretary of State in 2004.?And no matter how other?these selves might be,?they're all related in me.?And I honestly believe?the key to my success as an actor?and my progress as a person?has been the very lack of self?that used to make me feel?so anxious and insecure.?I always wondered?why I could feel others' pain so deeply,?why I could recognize?the somebody in the nobody.?It's because I didn't have a self to get in the way.?I thought I lacked substance,?and the fact that I could feel others'?meant that I had nothing of myself to feel.?The thing that was a source of shame?was actually a source of enlightenment.

And when I realized?and really understood?that my self is a projection and that it has a function,?a funny thing happened.?I stopped giving it so much authority.?I give it its due.?I take it to therapy.?I've become very familiar?with its dysfunctional behavior.?But I'm not ashamed of my self.?In fact, I respect my self?and its function.?And over time and with practice,?I've tried to live?more and more from my essence.?And if you can do that,?incredible things happen.

I was in Congo in February,?dancing and celebrating?with women who've survived?the destruction of their selves?in literally unthinkable ways --?destroyed because other brutalized, psychopathic selves?all over that beautiful land?are fueling our selves' addiction?to iPods, Pads, and bling,?which further disconnect ourselves?from ever feeling their pain,?their suffering,?their death.?Because, hey,?if we're all living in ourselves?and mistaking it for life,?then we're devaluing?and desensitizing life.?And in that disconnected state,?yeah, we can build factory farms with no windows,?destroy marine life?and use rape as a weapon of war.?So here's a note to self:?The cracks have started to show?in our constructed world,?and oceans will continue?to surge through the cracks,?and oil and blood,?rivers of it.

Crucially, we haven't been figuring out?how to live in oneness?with the Earth and every other living thing.?We've just been insanely trying to figure out?how to live with each other -- billions of each other.?Only we're not living with each other;?our crazy selves are living with each other?and perpetuating an epidemic?of disconnection.

Let's live with each other?and take it a breath at a time.?If we can get under that heavy self,?light a torch of awareness,?and find our essence,?our connection to the infinite?and every other living thing.?We knew it from the day we were born.?Let's not be freaked out?by our bountiful nothingness.?It's more a reality?than the ones our selves have created.?Imagine what kind of existence we can have?if we honor inevitable death of self,?appreciate the privilege of life?and marvel at what comes next.?Simple awareness is where it begins.

Thank you for listening.

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