Automated Customer Service

“自動客服”

by John Scalzi

Thank you for calling the customer service line of Vacuubot,?purveyors of America’s finest automated vacuum cleaners! In order to more efficiently handle call volume, we rely on automated responses. To continue in English, press one. Para Espanol o prima dos.

感謝您致電美國最好的自動吸塵器供應商Vacuubot的客戶服務熱線!為了更有效地處理呼叫量，我們依賴于自動應答。要用英語繼續(xù)，請按1。西班牙語請按0。（這句是我猜的）

Let’s continue in English. Which Vacuubot product are you calling about? For the Vacuubot S10 model, press one. For the Vacuubot XL model, press two. For the Vacuubot Extreme Clean model, press three.

讓我們繼續(xù)用英語交流。您想咨詢哪一種Vacuubot產品? 對于Vacuubot S10型號，請按1。Vacuubot XL型號，請按2。真空機器人極端清潔模型，請按3。

Congratulations on owning the Vacuubot Extreme Clean Model, America’s most thorough and comprehensive automated vacuum cleaning solution! If you need to order additional components for the Extreme Clean, press one. If you have a repair query, press two. For all other questions, press three.

祝賀您擁有美國最徹底、最全面的自動真空清潔解決方案——Vacuubot Extreme Clean Model !如果您需要訂購額外的極端清潔組件，請按1。如果你有維修問題，請按2。其他問題請按3。

You have additional questions. If you need help connecting the Vacuubot Extreme Clean to your home network, press one. If the Vacuubot Extreme Clean is conflicting with other automated home machines, press two. If the Vacuubot Extreme Clean has decided to purge your house of all living things, press three.

你有其他問題。如果您需要幫助將真空機器人極端清潔連接到您的家庭網絡，請按1。如果真空機器人極端清潔與其他自動化家用機器沖突，請按2。如果真空吸塵器決定清除你房子里的所有生物，請按3

Congratulations on activating purge mode! While purge mode was designed to eradicate small pests like insects and spiders, in some models a beta software build was inadvertently released that also includes larger targets, like pets and some humans. We’re sorry for the inconvenience. To continue, please press one. Be aware that by pressing one, you are absolving Vacuubot and its owner, BeiberHoldings, Inc, of all legal and medical responsibility.

祝賀激活清除模式!雖然清除模式的設計目的是消滅昆蟲和蜘蛛等小型害蟲，但在一些模型中，無意中發(fā)布了一個beta軟件版本，其中還包括更大的目標，如寵物和一些人。很抱歉給您帶來不便。繼續(xù)，請按1。請注意按1就等于免除了瓦庫波特及其所有人BeiberHoldings, Inc .的所有法律和醫(yī)療責任。

You pressed “0” to speak to a human representative. The current wait time for a human representative is six hours and fourteen minutes. To return to the automated response system, press one.

你按“0”與人類代表通話。目前人類代表的等待時間是6小時14分鐘。要返回自動應答系統(tǒng)，請按1。

Welcome back to the automated response system. First things first: Have you tried turning the Vacuubot Extreme Clean off and on again? Press one for yes, two for no.

歡迎回到自動回復系統(tǒng)。首先:你有沒有試過把吸塵器機器人徹底關掉再打開?按1表示是，按2表示否。

You said no. Is that because the Vacuubot Extreme Clean is currently exhibiting the Taser Defense Mode, making it impossible to approach without having 50,000 volts of electricity course through your body? Press one for yes, two for no.

你說不。是因為真空機器人極端清潔正在展示泰瑟防御模式，在沒有五萬伏特電流通過你身體的情況下是不可能接近的嗎?按1表示是，按2表示否。

We apologize for the Taser Defense Mode. It was originally designed to zap small insects, but our subcontractor misread the manufacturer specifications. Fortunately, the Defense mode can be distracted by throwing something at the Vacuubot Extreme Clean, like a heavy blanket or a pet. If you have a heavy blanket, press one. If you have a pet, press two.

我們?yōu)樘┥獦尫烙Ｊ降狼?。它原本是用來消滅小昆蟲的，但我們的分包商誤讀了制造商的規(guī)格。幸運的是，防御模式可以通過向Vacuubot Extreme Clean扔東西來分散注意力，比如一個重毯子或寵物。如果你有厚毯子，請按一。如果你有寵物，請按二。

The automated system has detected that you are using high levels of profanity right now. While the automated system is in fact automated and doesn’t care what you yell at it, your bad attitude is being noted for if and when you are put in contact with a human representative. When you have calmed your sassy boots down a bit, press one.

自動系統(tǒng)檢測到你現(xiàn)在使用了大量的臟話。雖然自動化系統(tǒng)實際上是自動化的，并不在乎你對它吼什么，但如果你與人類代表接觸，你的壞態(tài)度就會被注意到。當你冷靜下來一點時，請按1。

That’s better. Now, let’s talk about pets. If you have a cat, press one. If you have a dog, press two.

這樣好多了。現(xiàn)在，我們來談談寵物。如果你養(yǎng)貓，請按1。如果你有狗，請按二。

You have a cat! Excellent. Now, all you have to do is toss the cat at the Vacuubot Extreme Clean, and while it’s busy zapping the cat, you rush in and turn it off. If you’re willing to do this, press one. If not, press two.

你有一只貓!太好了?，F(xiàn)在，你所要做的就是把貓扔向真空吸塵器，當它忙著給貓電擊的時候，你沖進去把它關掉。如果你愿意，請按1。如果沒有，請按2。

What do you mean you’re not willing to electrocute your cat? It’s a cat! It would do the same to you in an instant! Look into its cold, pitiless eyes and tell me it wouldn’t! Press one for obvious agreement, press two if you’ve been duped by this feral interloper in your own home.

你不愿意電死你的貓是什么意思?它是一只貓!它馬上就會對你做同樣的事!看看它那冷酷無情的眼睛，告訴我它不會!表示同意請按1，如果你在自己家里被這個野蠻的入侵者騙了請按2。

UGH, FINE. Then we’ll just have to go with a heavy blanket. Do you have one of those, at least? One for yes, two for no.

呃,好。那我們就只能用一條厚毯子了。你至少有一個嗎?按1表示是，按2表示不是。

Good, you have basic home decor. Now, the plan here is, throw the blanket over the Vacuubot Extreme Clean, and while it is struggling, trying to get the blanket off of it, you run over and turn if off, making sure not to touch the actual Vacuubot, because it will just zap the crap out of you. Press one when you’re about to throw the blanket.

很好，你已經有了毯子?，F(xiàn)在的計劃是，把毯子扔到真空吸塵器上，當它掙扎著，試圖把毯子弄下來的時候，你跑過去把它關掉，確保不要碰到真正的真空吸塵器，因為它會把你打得一干兩凈。當你要扔毯子時，請按1。

Did it work? One for yes, two for no.

成功了嗎?1表示是，2表示不是。

We’re sorry to hear it did not work. Just out of curiosity, did it not work because the Vacuubot Extreme Clean vaporized it with previously unannounced lasers? One for yes, two for no.

我們很遺憾聽到它沒有奏效。只是出于好奇，它不能奏效因為因為真空機器人使用了之前未公布的激光將其蒸發(fā)?1表示是，2表示不是

We apologize for the lasers. The Vacuubot Extreme Clean is meant to have onboard LIDAR to help navigate the room more intelligently, but we got a really good deal on some surplus military lasers. On the other hand, it’s probably a good thing you didn’t throw the cat after all.

我們?yōu)榧す獾狼浮Ｕ婵諜C器人“極端清潔”本應配備機載激光雷達，以幫助更智能地導航房間，但我們在一些多余的軍用激光器上做了非常好的交易。另一方面，你沒把貓扔出去可能是件好事。

See, now, you’re just shouting a lot of profanity again. Just press one when you’re done.

瞧，你又在說臟話了。你說完了就按1。

Also, stop pressing zero for a human representative. We’re not exposing our very fine customer service people to you. Not with?that?attitude. Just press one.

還有，別再按0來找人類代表了。我們不會讓我們優(yōu)秀的客戶服務人員為你服務。以這種態(tài)度是不行的。只能按1。

Are you trying to wait us out? We’re an automated response service! We have nothing?but?time! Press one. Or don’t. We can wait. FOREVER.

你想等我們出去嗎?我們是自動回復服務!我們除了時間什么都沒有!按1?；虿?。我們可以等待。永遠。

Thank you for pausing your hissy fit. We regret to inform you that because you have attacked your Vacuubot Extreme Clean with a blanket, it has likely now classified you as an enemy forever and burned that classification into its permanent memory. It has also probably now targeted your cat. In scenarios such as this, your Vacuubot Extreme Clean will classify any area it’s cleaned as its personal territory. Has this Vacuubot Extreme Clean cleaned your entire home? Press one for yes, two for no.

感謝你停止了你的抱怨。我們很遺憾地通知你，因為你用毯子攻擊了你的超級清潔吸塵器，它現(xiàn)在很可能將你列為永遠的敵人并將這一分類永久地保存在它的記憶中。現(xiàn)在它可能也盯上了你的貓。在這種情況下，你的真空吸塵器會將任何被清潔的區(qū)域歸類為它的個人領地。這個真空吸塵器打掃過你的整個家嗎?按1表示是，按2表示否。

Ahhhhh, well, it’s the Vacuubot’s house now. We suggest you grab the cat and run. Seriously,?run, those lasers have probably recharged by now. Run and don’t look back, the Vacuubot senses fear! Press one when you have reached minimum safe distance from the Vacuubot’s lair.

啊，現(xiàn)在是Vacuubot的房子了。我們建議你抓住貓就跑。說真的，快跑，那些激光現(xiàn)在可能已經充電了。不要回頭看，吸塵器感應到了恐懼!當你到達真空機器人巢穴的最小安全距離時，請按1

Congratulations, you’ve escaped the unstoppable killing machine that is the Vacuubot Extreme Clean. Unfortunately you can’t stop now. The Vacuubot Extreme Clean has forwarded information about you to all the other Vacuubots, all of whom will now hunt you, ceaselessly, until you have been cleaned from the surface of the planet. This is your life now, to wander, never a moment’s rest, until even your cat deserts you and you are left alone to contemplate the barren wasteland that is now your existence.

恭喜你，你已經逃脫了不可阻擋的殺人機器，真空機器人極端清潔。不幸的是，你現(xiàn)在不能停下來。真空機器人極端清潔已經轉發(fā)關于你的信息給所有其他真空機器人，他們現(xiàn)在會不斷地獵捕你，直到你被從星球表面清除。這就是你現(xiàn)在的生活，游蕩，一刻也不休息，直到你的貓拋棄了你，留下你獨自凝視著這片貧瘠的荒原。

Unless, of course, you would like to purchase a place on the exclusive Vacuubot termination whitelist! Just $69.95 a month! Press one for a special introductory rate!

當然，您想在獨占的Vacuubot termination whitelist上購買一席之地!一個月僅69.95美元!按1就可以享受優(yōu)惠價!

Thank you for your purchase. We’ll connect you to a human representative now!

感謝您的購買。我們會將你連接人工客服!

原文鏈接：https://whatever.scalzi.com/2018/11/19/a-thanksgiving-week-gift-for-you-automated-customer-service/

中文是用了軟件翻譯加一點自己的潤色，就將就看吧

這個up主是原文的提供方

https://www.bilibili.com/video/BV1tb4y1f7Sf?t=12

如有任何不妥，請盡快告知，謝謝。