原標(biāo)題：How I Got My Navy Callsign By Shitting Myself In An F/A-18 Fighter Jet. Twice.

原文出自Autopian.com

原作者簡(jiǎn)介：

Bobby Mackay is a Naval Aviator who has completed two operational deployments aboard an aircraft carrier flying the F/A-18F Super Hornet. He is now an instructor pilot.

Bobby Mackay，海軍飛行員，曾兩次作為F/A-18F超級(jí)大黃蜂飛行員隨航母完成行動(dòng)部署。他目前是一位飛行員教練。

So there I was…smack in the middle of the Arabian Gulf at the helm of an F/A-18 fighter jet thirty thousand feet overhead one of the most powerful warships in the world… and I had to shit. Bad.

那一天的我…在阿拉伯灣上空駕駛著著F/A-18戰(zhàn)機(jī)，三千英尺下就是現(xiàn)今世界上最強(qiáng)大的戰(zhàn)艦…但是我想拉屎。完球。

The day started just like any other onboard the aircraft carrier. I woke up at around 10, just in time for lunch – or, as many on the boat call it, “aviator breakfast.” We typically flew from about noon to just after midnight, causing the air wing (the combination of fighter, helicopter and early warning squadrons) to be on a slightly skewed daily schedule compared to most others onboard.?

那天與以往每個(gè)在航母上的日子一樣。我10點(diǎn)前后起床，正好趕上午飯——或者被船上其他艦艇成員稱作的，“飛行員早餐”。我們通常從中午飛到午夜前后，讓其他航空隊(duì)（由戰(zhàn)斗機(jī)，直升機(jī)及預(yù)警中隊(duì)組成）可以比起其他艦員更緊湊地完成每日日程。

I rendezvoused with my squadron mates in the wardroom and chowed down on some catfish and rice pilaf. I had a night flight later that day, so I had the whole afternoon and evening to get my work done prior to briefing the flight. The rowing machine in the seaside gym provided a good distraction from being on a boat for the past five months. Working on the computers in the ready room, studying tactics, and talking to loved ones back home shaved off a few hours of the day. Maybe I even played a game of spades with some pals before heading to dinner. It seemed like a very benign, standard day — certainly not one that would result in me earning a callsign that my friends and coworkers still call me to this day.

我和其他小隊(duì)成員在公共活動(dòng)室碰頭，吃了些鰱魚和抓飯。那天晚上我的飛行時(shí)間排在晚上，所以整個(gè)下午和傍晚我都可以先辦些更重要的工作再去作飛行簡(jiǎn)報(bào)。瀕海體育館的劃船機(jī)可以讓人從過去五個(gè)月的隨船生活中分分心。在準(zhǔn)備室里用一用電腦，學(xué)習(xí)一下戰(zhàn)術(shù)，再和遠(yuǎn)在家鄉(xiāng)的摯愛聊聊天可以消磨掉這一天的幾個(gè)小時(shí)。那天晚飯前我可能還和幾個(gè)哥們打了會(huì)牌。那天是那么平常而愜意——一點(diǎn)也不像是會(huì)讓我獲得一個(gè)呼號(hào)并被朋友和同事一直使用到今天的一天。

I Was Proud To Have Avoided A Callsign So Long

我曾一直都為避免獲得呼號(hào)而驕傲

Callsigns are necessary in naval aviation. Over time I’ve developed a great appreciation for them. Even though they’re wacky most of the time, it’s almost more professional to call someone by some abstract nickname than their first name, or even “Ms. So-and-so.” While one may simply be a play on someone’s name, i.e. “Jonesy” Jones, or an indicator of personality, i.e. “Party Steve,” most are results of shenanigans perpetrated on or around the members of the squadron.?

呼號(hào)對(duì)于海航很必要。一直以來我都對(duì)這事有很大的感觸。雖說大多數(shù)時(shí)候呼號(hào)的來源都很滑稽，但是用一個(gè)抽象的昵稱稱呼他人總比直呼其名或是“某某女士”聽起來更加專業(yè)。雖說有時(shí)呼號(hào)可能只是某人名稱的諧音，比如“瓊西”瓊斯，或是對(duì)其性格的概括，比如“派對(duì)史蒂夫”，但大多數(shù)呼號(hào)都是中隊(duì)成員犯下的某種屁事而來的。

I had only been in the squadron for about six months up to this point and, pridefully, had not earned myself a callsign just yet. There was conjecture about naming me after my head, which is apparently reminiscent of a dinosaur’s head. There was talk of naming me after my quiet disposition, which would later turn out to be a complete misread. But up to this point, the list of suggestions on the board were scarce. And I was mighty proud of that.?

那會(huì)我才剛到中隊(duì)六個(gè)月，但慶幸的是，我還沒有為自己“贏得”一個(gè)呼號(hào)。那會(huì)大伙都尋思著用我頭的形狀來給我起名，他們都覺得我的頭非常像恐龍頭。他們也討論過以我安靜的性格來命名，但是隨后大伙都發(fā)現(xiàn)知人知面不知心。但直到那會(huì)，一大堆的建議卻都不是很合適，而我也為此覺得很驕傲。

Flying Jets Is Never “Routine”

戰(zhàn)機(jī)飛行從沒有“常規(guī)”一說

The strike group had been operating in the Arabian Gulf for about 2 months at this point. Operations were going smoothly, but “routine” isn’t a word that exists in the vocabulary of most sailors and aviators. We were operating very close to borders and coastlines of countries that didn’t want us there. Every day we were reminded of that through radio calls and intelligence briefings. Every flight was new.?

海航中隊(duì)已經(jīng)在阿拉伯灣部署兩個(gè)月了。行動(dòng)很順利，但是“常規(guī)”一次對(duì)于大多數(shù)水手與飛行員來說并不常規(guī)。我們行動(dòng)的位置距離那些不歡迎美國的國家的邊境與海岸線非常近。每天我們都會(huì)被無線電通訊與情報(bào)簡(jiǎn)報(bào)不斷提醒。每次的飛行都是全新的。

Wars don’t begin predictably, and chaos can happen at any time, even while exercising the utmost diligence. Also, anything can happen to your jet at any time. Jets flying off of carriers take a beating. Steam powered catapults sling 60,000 pound hunks of metal to 150 mph in less than three seconds, and the jets do that three times a day. At the end of an hour and a half flight, we controllably crash the jet into one of four arresting cables strewn across a solid steel flight deck at a descent rate of 800 feet per minute. Precision and accuracy are the names of the game in naval aviation, and when you’re off your game, there’s no telling how that will affect the flight.

戰(zhàn)爭(zhēng)的爆發(fā)并非可預(yù)測(cè)的，任何混亂隨時(shí)都可能爆發(fā)，即使盡全力都無法阻止。同樣地，你的戰(zhàn)機(jī)也可能隨時(shí)發(fā)生任何事情。從航母上起飛的戰(zhàn)機(jī)需要推力。蒸汽彈射器會(huì)在3秒內(nèi)將六萬磅的大鐵塊彈射到150mph，每架戰(zhàn)機(jī)每天都要被彈射三次。在每次一個(gè)半小時(shí)的飛行結(jié)束時(shí)，我們都會(huì)控制飛機(jī)以約每分鐘800英尺的合適速度努力摔向四根散落在全鋼飛行甲板上的阻攔索的其中一根。精度與準(zhǔn)頭對(duì)于海航至關(guān)重要，缺了任何一個(gè)都會(huì)對(duì)飛行造成無法預(yù)測(cè)的影響。

Surf-N-Turf And Coffee

海陸大餐與咖啡

I had been flying night flights every night for the past few weeks up to this point, and it was taking its toll on me. Landing a jet on a carrier at night is truly terrifying. Everything is controlled with your fingertips; the glideslope, the lineup control, and the angle of attack of the aircraft. My legs were shaking after every “trap,” or landing, so I needed my body to be in tip-top shape. That’s why, on this particular night, I was happy to see that it was surf-n-turf night in the wardroom. Steak and lobster usually signifies that bad news is coming, but I was fat, dumb and happy, and ready to eat some good shellfish.?

那段時(shí)間，我已經(jīng)每晚連續(xù)不斷地飛了幾周的夜航，后果也開始浮現(xiàn)出來。夜間在航母上進(jìn)行降落屬實(shí)令人恐懼。一切控制都懸在指尖：不論是著艦速率，航向修正，還是機(jī)身角度。每次的阻攔索捕捉，或是著陸，都令我的雙腿顫抖不已，這就是為什么我需要讓我的身體保持頂尖狀態(tài)。這也是為什么，在那個(gè)難忘的晚上，公共活動(dòng)室正在供應(yīng)海陸全餐。牛排與龍蝦意味著壞消息將至，但是我作為一個(gè)快樂的胖憨憨，正準(zhǔn)備埋大快朵頤那些甲殼類海鮮。

I scarfed down a tail and a steak, and when I got up to the ready room to brief, I figured: “It’s a late flight, I’ll have myself a cuppa coffee.” The brief was short and sweet. My WSO (Weapons and System Officer) and I were going to practice employing High Speed Anti-Radiation Missile (HARM) with no weapons onboard the jet so we could be ready if we did have to employ it at some point. We would simply load a training code on the jet and practice pushing buttons to our hearts content. When we were finished briefing, I began to realize that I had what I lovingly refer to as the “bubble-guts.” I went to the bathroom and got the demons out of me before walking on the jet. ?But when I entered the aircraft, the coffee kicked in.

我大口吞下了一塊牛排和一個(gè)龍蝦尾，當(dāng)我起身前往準(zhǔn)備室作簡(jiǎn)報(bào)時(shí)，我尋思著：“既然是夜航，我得整杯咖啡?！焙?jiǎn)報(bào)簡(jiǎn)單明了。我的WSO（武器系統(tǒng)官）和我準(zhǔn)備去練習(xí)使用HARM（高速反輻射導(dǎo)彈）以應(yīng)對(duì)未來的使用。此時(shí)機(jī)上沒有掛載任何武器，只需要向機(jī)內(nèi)輸入練習(xí)代碼，就可以一直按按鈕練習(xí)到滿意為止。簡(jiǎn)報(bào)結(jié)束時(shí)，我開始感覺到我的肚子里開始“翻泡泡”。我沖進(jìn)廁所，在登機(jī)前把體內(nèi)的野獸完全釋放了出來。但當(dāng)我登機(jī)之后，咖啡的勁上來了。

I’ve always had a complex relationship with coffee. I am addicted to the taste. I love it black, or with cream and sugar — whatever. But sometimes it takes its revenge, and tonight was one of those nights. As soon as I sat in the seat I had to pee. Doing this in the jet is fairly easy. Simply pull out an “AIRCREW RELIEF BAG” or “piddle pack” as we call it, do your business into it, roll it up, put it in your bag and go. It has little gel beads that absorb moisture and turn it into a margarita of sorts, and there’s no mess. We lined up for the catapult shot, did our checks, held on tight, and the shot hit hard. As soon as we started accelerating at about three times the force of gravity, I felt something move in me. When I took the controls I immediately had the thought that this might be a long hour and a half.

我對(duì)咖啡的感情一直糾纏不清。我喜歡它的口感。我喜歡純咖啡，或是加入糖奶，哪種都行。但有時(shí)它又會(huì)向我傾瀉怒火，就像今晚一樣。坐到椅子上的那一刻我就開始想撒尿。其實(shí)在機(jī)內(nèi)撒尿還算容易。只需要掏出一個(gè)“機(jī)組釋放袋”，這玩意我們叫做“噓噓袋”，把你的那活放進(jìn)去解決內(nèi)急，把袋子卷起來，放進(jìn)包里就完事了。袋子里面放著很多凝膠小顆粒，它們可以吸收液體并變成一袋瑪格麗特一樣的玩意，一點(diǎn)都不會(huì)灑出來弄臟艙內(nèi)。我們正排隊(duì)等待彈射起飛，進(jìn)行臨飛檢查，系好安全帶，然后被狠狠彈出去。正當(dāng)我們開始以重力三倍的加速度加速時(shí)，我感覺體內(nèi)有什么東西正在涌動(dòng)?？刂茩?quán)轉(zhuǎn)交的那一刻我意識(shí)到，這一個(gè)半小時(shí)將會(huì)有多漫長(zhǎng)。

“This is The Pilot in Aircraft 202. I Shit my Pants. I Need a Cleanup Crew.”

“這里是202號(hào)機(jī)飛行員。我拉褲子了。需要清理小組?！?/p>

I leveled off at 30,000 ft and set autopilot so that the two of us could practice button-pushing while being “heads-down” in the cockpit. As soon as I set the autopilot I had to pee again. Boom, done. Move on. Ten minutes later – pee. At this point my guts started bubbling again. I stopped looking at the displays, put my sweaty hands on the handles on the canopy rail, and tried to sit as still as I could. This was only about half an hour into the flight. I didn’t tell my WSO anything. I pulled out another piddle pack to do my business again, but this time there was another force at play. Just to the south of where I was aiming, a monster was trying to get out. I couldn’t isolate the valves; nothing came out of either. My stomach roiled while I was trying to?contract one side and relax the other. Finally I said over the internal communications: “Dude, I think this might be the night. I have the bubble guts and I need you to put your mask on.” A firm “Okay bud do what you need to do” gave me confidence that, while it certainly felt like the end of the world, we were in this together.?

在爬升到30000尺的高度后，我們?cè)O(shè)置了自動(dòng)飛行，這樣座艙里的兩人就可以埋頭專心練習(xí)按按鈕了。剛設(shè)置好自動(dòng)飛行，我又需要撒尿了。開袋收袋，完事，繼續(xù)練習(xí)。十分鐘之后——憋尿。此時(shí)我的胃里又開始翻泡泡了。我從抬顯上移開視線，用滲出汗的雙手抓住了艙蓋把手，盡力地保持著穩(wěn)定。此時(shí)距離起飛剛過半小時(shí)。我沒和我的武器系統(tǒng)官說一句話。我又扯出一個(gè)噓噓袋想要解決生理問題，但是另一股力量卻已迫在眉睫。在我嘗試瞄準(zhǔn)的位置以南，一匹野獸即將脫韁而出。我沒法分別控制用力，兩頭都出不來。我的腸胃在我嘗試收緊一邊放松一邊時(shí)不斷翻滾。最后，我對(duì)著內(nèi)部通訊說到：“兄弟，時(shí)候到了。我的胃里翻江倒海，我建議你把面罩帶上?！币痪浯_認(rèn)的“好了兄弟，做你該做的事吧”給了我自信，讓我感到雖然我的末日已經(jīng)到來，但是至少我們?cè)诠餐?jīng)歷著。

There is no stronger bond between two people than the one they build while sharing ?a cockpit that smells like nuclear waste.

沒有什么比兩人共處于一個(gè)聞起來像核廢料的駕駛艙內(nèi)更能建立強(qiáng)而有力的感情了。

I made the decision that it had to be done. I had to let loose to relieve the pressure on both fronts. I’d heard stories of legendary pilots completely disrobing (save their helmet), using their flight bag as a makeshift lavatory (one might call it a “shiddle pack”), and then carrying on. So I safed up my ejection seat, released the straps and unzipped. Quickly realizing this was more of an endeavor than I was equipped for, I strapped back in and armed my seat. Claustrophobia is an understatement at this point. I had 8 inches of open space to either side, seat behind me, displays in front of me, and directly outside all of that was air with no oxygen that was -15 degrees Fahrenheit. Plus I was flirting with some very narrow airspace boundaries with huge consequences if violated. I decided at that moment that my bowels were not my highest priority. I simply relaxed, and let the warmth spread across my seat. It was so hot, it felt like a hot tub. It bubbled and oozed and was revolting but strangely comforting. At this very moment my WSO said “woah, I didn’t know HARM had a targeting option,?

that’s cool.”?

我作出了一個(gè)必須做出的決定。我只能脫出來才能讓兩頭共同釋放。我曾聽說過有傳奇飛行員曾直接脫光（除了頭盔），用飛行隨身包作為臨時(shí)馬桶（估計(jì)會(huì)被叫做“噗噗袋”），并放下了這段過去。于是我插上了彈射座椅的安全銷，解開安全帶脫下褲子。但是當(dāng)我迅速意識(shí)到我正努力所做的事并非合理，我重新系上了安全帶并拔下了彈射座椅的安全銷。此時(shí)幽閉恐懼癥都顯得微不足道。我的左右只有8英寸的移動(dòng)空間，后面是座椅，前面是抬顯，在這外面就只剩下了沒有氧氣含量的低達(dá)零下十五華氏度的外界。再者，我們正在極窄的空域邊界不斷擦邊，一旦過界將會(huì)導(dǎo)致無比嚴(yán)重的后果。我判斷此時(shí)我的大號(hào)問題并非最高優(yōu)先級(jí)。我只是開始放松，讓暖流在我的座椅上流淌。那暖流是那樣的溫暖，仿佛在泡熱水澡。那不斷翻滾溢出的感覺令人惡心但又有一種奇妙的舒適感。此時(shí)我的WSO來了一句“哇哦，我都不知道HARM還有目標(biāo)選擇功能，酷誒。”

I responded loudly: “I don’t give a fuck.”

我大聲回復(fù)道：“我?根本不在乎?！?/p>

Being ornery wasn’t the answer, but I was in my own personal hell. That being said, I could finally pee again, so that was nice. I told him what I did, and he said that we should probably communicate this back to the ship somehow. I said I’d take the comms; I was the one who had soiled his seat, after all.?

暴躁并非一個(gè)好回應(yīng)，但我正身處于自己的地獄中。說完這話，我終于可以尿出來了，所以還算有點(diǎn)好事。我告訴了WSO我做了什么，他說我們應(yīng)該和艦船聯(lián)系通報(bào)情況，至少得說點(diǎn)什么。我說我可以接下通訊；畢竟我是那個(gè)玷污了他的座位的人。

Up to this point, there were a few people I knew who had done this, and there was a particular incident from which? I’d learned a lot of lessons. A pilot had called back to our ship and told the team that he’d had a “physiological episode,” which led the ship to believe he was in a jet that may have been starving him of oxygen. We spooled up the flight doc and told the Landing Signals Officers (LSOs) that the pilot may be hypoxic. By using euphemisms like physiological episode, it led the ship down a path that spiraled out of control. The pilot clarified the situation upon querying, but I remember our Commanding Officer telling us to be very clear on the radios if anything happened. So, when it was my turn to make the embarrassing call, I simply said: “This is the pilot in aircraft 202. I shit my pants. I need a cleanup crew.” After 10 seconds or so, he responded with his callsign and was obviously stifling a laugh so hard I could see his face in my head.

事已至此，至少我認(rèn)識(shí)的人中有幾個(gè)干過這事，之前有一次具體的事故讓我學(xué)到了不少。一次一個(gè)飛行員向艦方通話并告知小隊(duì)他發(fā)生了一些“生理反應(yīng)發(fā)作”，這使得艦方認(rèn)定他的座機(jī)可能供氧不足。我們趕緊找來飛行員醫(yī)療并通知降落信號(hào)官（LSOs）飛行員可能遭遇缺氧狀況。使用委婉的表達(dá)如生理反應(yīng)發(fā)作，會(huì)導(dǎo)致艦組成員逐漸陷入失控狀態(tài)。飛行員及時(shí)澄清了現(xiàn)場(chǎng)的誤解，但我記得我們的指揮官曾好如果我們?nèi)绻l(fā)生任何事，需要在通訊中明確表達(dá)。所以，這次輪到我來進(jìn)行這次尷尬的通訊了，我只是簡(jiǎn)單地說：“這里是202號(hào)機(jī)飛行員。我拉褲子了。我需要清潔小組?！贝蠹s10秒左右，對(duì)方用自己的呼號(hào)回應(yīng)，我能聽出對(duì)面已經(jīng)笑到窒息，我甚至能想象出他那張因大笑而扭曲的臉。

The Bolter

脫鉤

Word of what had happened got passed to the Landing Signals Officers on the flight deck. They were the guys standing on the ship, grading every landing, and standing in to help in case of unusual situations (Sometimes a pilot gets low and needs a “power” call from the LSO to keep him or her on optimum glideslope, for example).?

天上發(fā)生的事件很快就傳到了飛行甲板上降落信號(hào)官的耳朵里。就是那群站在甲板上的家伙們，給每次降落評(píng)分，并在特殊事件發(fā)生時(shí)給予幫助（比如有時(shí)候飛行員姿態(tài)過低并需要LSO們提供“動(dòng)力”指揮以保證他/她的著艦速率達(dá)到要求）。

When I checked in with the ship, the bubbles came back, and I just let loose again, feeling the warmth spread even further throughout my pants. I couldn’t imagine the horror, and I didn’t even look down. The approach was uneventful until I had to fly “the ball.” I scanned for lineup, and maintained glideslope until I was almost to the point of touchdown. I added just a hair too much power and sailed over the wires on the flight deck. I didn’t stop; I had to pull back up. That’s called a “bolter.”

當(dāng)我向艦艇匯報(bào)時(shí)，那些翻騰的泡泡又回來了，我再次脫出，感受著暖流進(jìn)一步深入著我的褲子。我無法想象那份恐怖的景象，我也沒有低頭查看。抵近一直都很順利，直到我需要開始“呼球”（譯注：Call the ball是飛行員在著艦時(shí)使用光學(xué)著陸系統(tǒng)OLS時(shí)的俚語）。我掃視著航向，保持著速率準(zhǔn)備著艦。我只多加了一丁點(diǎn)的力，還是從甲板上的阻攔索上飛過。我沒有停下；我需要再次拉起。這種情況被叫做“脫鉤”。

I had leaned forward in my seat expecting the wires to stop me, but when they didn’t, my butt hydroplaned backward in my seat like a Zamboni cleaning up a wet ice rink. I was flying again, and had to sit in my own shit for 10 more minutes. Flying around the pattern for another landing was embarrassing, but it couldn’t get much worse at this point. I was already thinking about laughing about this later.?

我俯身向前傾，期待著阻攔索能拉住我，但是當(dāng)我沒有勾住阻攔索時(shí)，我的屁股在座椅上向后一滑，就像磨冰車在清理融化的溜冰場(chǎng)一樣。我再次起飛，無奈地再在自己的屎里坐了十多分鐘。飛在重新降落的航線上本身就很丟人了，但是這會(huì)已經(jīng)沒法再糟了。我已經(jīng)在考慮時(shí)候要如何一笑而過了。

The next approach was uneventful, an OK 3-wire (the pass we aim for). But the damage was done. I knew that everyone in the air wing already knew. I had the long taxi up the bow of the ship to the darkest part of the flight deck. As soon as I got there I saw my roommate standing there with a towel and an extra flight suit, and I already felt a little better. When my WSO stepped out of the jet first, the plane captain shined a blue light on the ladder for him so he could see where his feet were going. When I got out and felt the heavy load in my underwear heaving beneath me, there was no light. I didn’t blame him for not wanting to see the carnage, but I was kind of miffed.

?下一次抵近很平穩(wěn)，勾住了第三根還不錯(cuò)（我們瞄準(zhǔn)的及格線）。但是損害已然造成。我知道航空中隊(duì)的所有人都已經(jīng)得到消息了。我們駛過長(zhǎng)長(zhǎng)的一段跑道停在艦艏，甲板上最黑暗的角落。當(dāng)我們到達(dá)時(shí)，我看到了我的室友站在那里，帶著毛巾和一套備用的飛行服，這能讓我得到些許安慰。當(dāng)我的WSO先從飛機(jī)上離開，機(jī)長(zhǎng)用藍(lán)光照著梯子照清落腳點(diǎn)。當(dāng)我離開飛機(jī)，感受著內(nèi)褲里沉甸甸一坨正不斷向下扯著我時(shí)，沒有燈光。我不怪他，畢竟沒有人會(huì)想要看到那燦烈的現(xiàn)場(chǎng)，但我還是有些不忿。

I went straight to the bathroom right beneath the flight deck and carefully disrobed.

下機(jī)后，我直接沖入了飛行甲板下的衛(wèi)生間，并小心地脫得一件不剩。

Assessing The Undergarment Wreckage

內(nèi)衣殘骸狀況評(píng)估

This is the point where I’d like to extend a firm thank you to Mr. Calvin Klein. Shockingly, as I peeled off my flight gear (g-suit, vest, flight suit) I noticed that there wasn’t anything there. The high thread count and durable construction of your Cotton-Stretch underwear is incomparable. I will wear your underwear for the rest of my life. It kept pounds of brownie batter completely contained through high-g maneuvers and an aircraft carrier arrestment. Your underwear is tested, sir. Thank you.

在這里，我需要向卡爾文·克萊恩先生提出由衷的感謝。令我震驚的是，當(dāng)我一層一層地剝下我的飛行裝備（抗荷服，背心，飛行服），我注意到上面什么都沒有沾。您所設(shè)計(jì)的彈力棉內(nèi)衣不論是織物密度還是其耐用結(jié)構(gòu)都是無與倫比的。我的余生都將穿著您的內(nèi)褲。您的內(nèi)褲曾包裹著幾磅重的巧克力蛋糕糊并成功地在高離心力機(jī)動(dòng)與航母阻攔索下維持了下來。您的內(nèi)褲已被驗(yàn)證，先生。謝謝您。

There was, however, another guy in the restroom who, upon seeing me in full flight gear, asked: “What the fuck are you doing?” I looked at him with a thousand-yard stare and responded: “I shit my pants. Any more questions?” He quickly nodded his head in an apparent sign of respect and went on his merry way. I spent the next hour in complete agony as the boat shower first did not turn on, then violently shifted from scalding hot to ice cold, per usual. I picked away at the mess and was truly and completely miserable. Afterwards I put my friend’s flight suit on, made my way to the laundry room, and carefully washed my flight gear per protocol (yes, there’s a protocol for “soiled flight gear”).?

然而此時(shí)，廁所內(nèi)，還有一個(gè)大哥，看到我穿著整套飛行裝備，問道：“你?在干啥？”我用能夠洞穿他靈魂最深處的眼神看著他回答：“我拉褲子里了。有問題嗎？”他很快地，帶著某種敬意般點(diǎn)了點(diǎn)頭，然后繼續(xù)他快樂的人生了。我接下來的幾個(gè)小時(shí)依然痛苦不堪，先是船上的淋浴壓根沒開，隨后水溫又從沸騰變?yōu)楸洌推綍r(shí)一樣。收拾著爛攤子，我感覺自己的人生只有一個(gè)慘字。我換上了朋友的飛行服，沖進(jìn)洗衣房，并根據(jù)規(guī)定仔細(xì)地清洗著我的飛行裝備（沒錯(cuò)，對(duì)于被污染的飛行裝備有著專門的規(guī)定）。

My New Callsign

我的新呼號(hào)

When I got back to the ready room, the guy from the “physiological episode” incident was there. He immediately said “dude” in his signature low-pitched voice and opened his arms for a hug. I knew he completely understood me as a person at that moment. I turned my head and saw that the callsign review board was FILLED to the brim with callsigns for me. I figured I could look at them in the morning.

當(dāng)我回到準(zhǔn)備室，那個(gè)“生理反應(yīng)發(fā)作”事故的家伙也在這。看到我，他用他那招牌的男低音說著“哥們”并伸開胳膊準(zhǔn)備擁抱我。我知道他此時(shí)完全理解我作為一個(gè)人的心情。我扭過頭，看到了呼號(hào)命名板上為我準(zhǔn)備的呼號(hào)已經(jīng)擠到了邊緣。我尋思著我早上可以過來看一看。

When it came time to decide my callsign, there were two options that everyone rallied behind. The first was an ode to our radio calls to communicate missile-shoots. “Fox-two” is the brevity term for shooting a heat seeking missile, and if you add “two-ship” to it, it means you shot two missiles at two different aircraft. The suggestion “Fox-poo two-shits” had a large contingent of the squadron howling. The other one was simply “STAB” for “shit twice and boltered.” The votes were 50-50. We were at a bar in Manila, Philippines at the time, and it was decided that each callsign would be assigned a representative, and whoever could finish their beverage faster would win.

終于到了決定我呼號(hào)的時(shí)候，整理過后大家留下了兩個(gè)選擇。第一個(gè)是為了致敬通訊中導(dǎo)彈發(fā)射時(shí)使用的代碼?！癋OX2”是發(fā)射熱追蹤導(dǎo)彈時(shí)使用的代碼，如果你在這后面加上“2ship”，這意味著你向兩架不同的敵機(jī)發(fā)射了兩枚導(dǎo)彈?！昂?屎”的建議在中隊(duì)里呼聲很高。另一個(gè)則是簡(jiǎn)單的“STAB”，全稱是“拉了兩次還脫韁”。投票比例達(dá)到了50:50。當(dāng)時(shí)我們?cè)诜坡少e馬尼拉的一家酒吧，最后大家決定每個(gè)選項(xiàng)將派出一名代表，誰喝得快就算贏。

Now I'm STAB.?

現(xiàn)在，我名為STAB。