很少有人喜歡求助他人。神經(jīng)科學(xué)和心理學(xué)研究證明，求助涉及一系列社會(huì)威脅，包括不確定性、被拒絕的可能、自降地位的風(fēng)險(xiǎn)以及必然要出讓的自主權(quán)，這些都會(huì)刺激大腦中感受生理疼痛的區(qū)域。而在工作場(chǎng)合，我們往往特別希望能展現(xiàn)自己的專業(yè)技能、工作能力以及自信心，求助同事因此變得更加別扭。

Few of us enjoy asking for help. As research in neuroscience and psychology shows, the social threats involved—the uncertainty, risk of rejection, potential for diminished status, and inherent relinquishing of autonomy—activate the same brain regions that physical pain does. And in the workplace, where we’re typically keen to demonstrate as much expertise, competence, and confidence as possible, it can feel particularly uncomfortable to make such requests.

然而，在現(xiàn)代組織中，一個(gè)人想獲得發(fā)展，不求助他人根本不可能?？绮块T團(tuán)隊(duì)、敏捷項(xiàng)目管理技能、矩陣結(jié)構(gòu)或?qū)蛹?jí)最小化結(jié)構(gòu)，以及日益流行的合作型辦公室文化都要求我們不斷努力，贏得來自主管、同事以及雇員的合作和支持。你的工作表現(xiàn)、進(jìn)步以及職業(yè)發(fā)展越來越仰仗于尋求所需建議、參考及資源的能力。據(jù)估計(jì)，同事間互相提供的幫助，多達(dá)75%到90%來自直接訴求。

However, it’s virtually impossible to advance in modern organizations without assistance from others. Cross-functional teams, agile project management techniques, matrixed or hierarchy-minimizing structures, and increasingly collaborative office cultures require you to constantly push for the cooperation and support of your managers, peers, and employees. Your performance, development, and career progression depend more than ever on your seeking out the advice, referrals, and resources you need. In fact, estimates suggest that as much as 75% to 90% of the help coworkers give one another is in response to direct appeals.

那么，我們?cè)撊绾胃行У貙で髱椭?？如何在麻煩別人的時(shí)候不讓對(duì)方感到困擾？

首先，你要克服自己在求助時(shí)的不情愿心理。其次，你要明白一些普遍的或者說下意識(shí)的求助方式其實(shí)很低效，因?yàn)檫@些方法會(huì)讓他人不愿提供幫助。最后一點(diǎn)，你必須學(xué)會(huì)委婉暗示，以便鼓勵(lì)他人幫助自己，并正確使用之。

So how can you effectively ask for help? How can you impose upon people without making them feel imposed upon?

The first step is getting over your reluctance to ask for assistance. Next, you need to understand that some common and perhaps intuitive ways of asking for help are ultimately unproductive, because they make people less likely to want to give it. Finally, you must learn the subtle cues that motivate people to support you and how to deliver them in the right way.

代價(jià)和收益

也許，最容易讓我們?cè)谇笾鷷r(shí)克服恐懼心理的，是明白大多數(shù)人其實(shí)都非常愿意伸出援手。康奈爾大學(xué)教授瓦內(nèi)薩·博汗斯（Vanessa Bohns）是該領(lǐng)域的優(yōu)秀研究者，近期她評(píng)估了一組由她和同事完成的實(shí)驗(yàn)，發(fā)現(xiàn)當(dāng)人們向陌生人求助時(shí)，對(duì)方提供幫助的比例，也就是依從性，比求助者預(yù)計(jì)的平均高48%?；罾卒h的人數(shù)比我們想象中更多。研究還表明，大家低估了助人者所需要付出的努力。

Costs and Benefits

Perhaps the easiest way to overcome the pain of asking for help is to realize that most people are surprisingly willing to lend a hand. When Vanessa Bohns, a professor at Cornell University and a leading researcher in this area, recently reviewed a group of experiments that she and her coauthors had done, she found that compliance—the rate at which people provided assistance to strangers who asked for it—was an average of 48% higher than the help seekers had expected. Clearly, people are much more likely to be helpful than we think they are. Studies also suggest that we underestimate how much effort those who do agree to help will put in.

部分原因是，拒絕或隨意的幫助需要一點(diǎn)心理成本，而這點(diǎn)我們往往會(huì)忽略。另一原因在于，多數(shù)助人者知道（即使是下意識(shí)的），無償并有效幫助到他人，能讓人感覺良好。2017年瑞士的一項(xiàng)研究發(fā)現(xiàn)，我們即使只為別人花一點(diǎn)錢，也比只滿足自己更快樂。

That’s in part because saying no or helping only halfheartedly carries a psychological cost that we tend to discount. But it’s also because most helpers know—even if only subconsciously—that giving freely and effectively of themselves has emotional benefits.?A?Swiss study?published in 2017 found that people who simply pledge to spend even a small amount of money on someone else feel happier than those who plan to indulge only themselves.

成功獲得他人幫助的關(guān)鍵，是將焦點(diǎn)轉(zhuǎn)移到這些好處上。要讓人們感到他們提供幫助是出于自己的意愿，并非不得已為之，他們擁有決定權(quán)。也就是不要表現(xiàn)出，某人要求你提供幫助，你應(yīng)該提供幫助或者使用別無選擇必須幫助這樣的語言。下列這類開場(chǎng)白應(yīng)該盡量避免：“能請(qǐng)你幫個(gè)忙嗎？”——這會(huì)讓人感到前面是個(gè)陷阱；也不要表達(dá)多余的歉意——“我感到讓你做這件事很過意不去，”這讓事情變得消極。也不要強(qiáng)調(diào)互惠性“你幫我我也會(huì)幫你”，這會(huì)起反效果，因?yàn)檎l都不喜歡欠別人，也不喜歡純粹的交易型關(guān)系。弱化自己的需要也不合適，例如“我一般不會(huì)求助他人”或者“就一點(diǎn)兒小事兒”，這會(huì)讓人覺得提供的幫助微不足道甚至很多余。

The key to a successful request for help is to shift the focus to these benefits. You want people to feel that they would be helping because they want to, not because they must, and that they’re in control of the decision. That means avoiding any language suggesting that you or someone else is instructing them to help, that they should help, or that they have no choice but to do so. This includes prefaces such as “May I ask you a favor?,” which make people feel trapped, and profuse apologies such as “I feel terrible asking you for this,” which make the experience seem less positive. Emphasizing reciprocity—“I’ll help you if you help me”—can also backfire, because people don’t like to be indebted to anyone or to engage in a purely transactional exchange. And minimizing your need—“I don’t normally ask for help” or “It’s just a tiny thing”—is equally unproductive, because it suggests the assistance is trivial or even unnecessary.

但你可以避開這些陷阱尋求幫助，讓人們對(duì)自己的回應(yīng)有掌控感，感到助人為樂的幸福。要實(shí)現(xiàn)這些，你可以在具體求助中采用“強(qiáng)化”策略或“誘因”。也許更重要的是，你可以在日常和他人的互動(dòng)中使用這些方法，讓身邊的人準(zhǔn)備好提供更有益的幫助。

But you can ask for help in a way that avoids these pitfalls and instead gives people agency over their responses, allowing them to experience the natural highs associated with helping. That’s by using what I call reinforcements, or cues, which you can incorporate in specific requests. Perhaps more important, you can also use them in day-to-day interactions to prime the people around you for greater helpfulness.

三種強(qiáng)化方式

自己人心理。對(duì)潛在的助人者可以采用的一種強(qiáng)化方式是，確保你和他或她是一隊(duì)的，而且這個(gè)團(tuán)隊(duì)很重要。這點(diǎn)利用的是人類天生需要?dú)w屬感，需要維護(hù)身邊社交圈的利益。具體有幾種方式。例如，斯坦福大學(xué)樸雅卡·凱爾（Priyanka Carr）和格雷格·沃爾頓（Greg Walton，彼時(shí)是一名研究生）證明，僅僅加上“一起”這個(gè)詞就能產(chǎn)生效果。當(dāng)獨(dú)自解決難題的實(shí)驗(yàn)參與者被告知，在其他房間還有人在一起做著類似的工作，之后他們可以互相交流，這些參與者的解題時(shí)間延長(zhǎng)了48%，正確率更高，比那些認(rèn)為自己在獨(dú)自作業(yè)的人感到更輕松。

Three Reinforcements

In-group.

One reinforcement you’ll want to give a potential helper is assurance that you’re on his or her team and that the team is important. This taps into the innate human need to belong to—and ensure the well-being of—supportive social circles. There are several ways to do this. For example, research by Priyanka Carr and Greg Walton (a graduate student at the time), of Stanford University, shows that simply saying the word “together” can have an effect. When participants working on puzzles alone were told that they were doing so in tandem with people performing similar tasks in other rooms and could later exchange tips, they worked 48% longer, solved more problems correctly, and said they were less depleted by the task than those allowed to believe they were working fully independently.

你還可以提出共同的目標(biāo)、敵人或者特性，例如想超額完成團(tuán)隊(duì)銷售目標(biāo)，和行業(yè)競(jìng)爭(zhēng)對(duì)手一較高下，或者對(duì)超級(jí)英雄電影的熱愛等。但最佳方式是創(chuàng)造一種自己人的感覺，強(qiáng)調(diào)共同的經(jīng)歷、觀點(diǎn)、想法和感覺。例如，如果高管團(tuán)隊(duì)中只有兩位女性，不要只是說：“我們是團(tuán)隊(duì)中僅有的兩位女性”（強(qiáng)調(diào)特性）。這么說會(huì)更好：“你有沒有發(fā)現(xiàn)說話時(shí)總有男性打斷我們？”（共同經(jīng)歷）

You might also cite a common goal, enemy, or trait, such as the desire to exceed your team’s sales targets, rivalry with a competitor in your industry, or a love of superhero movies. But the best way to create a strong sense of in-group is to highlight shared experiences, perceptions, thoughts, and feelings. For example, if a senior management team includes only two women, don’t just say, “We’re the only two women on the team” (emphasizing the trait). Say, “Have you noticed that we get interrupted all the time?” (shared experience).

積極形象。第二種誘因是讓求助對(duì)象意識(shí)到自己提供幫助的獨(dú)特身份或強(qiáng)化他們的這種意識(shí)（通過他們的特性或者角色），說明他們并非是可能會(huì)施以援手的路人，而一直是助人為樂的人。研究表明，當(dāng)詢問人們是否愿意“做一名慷慨的捐贈(zèng)者”（而不是“捐款”）時(shí)，慈善團(tuán)體獲得的捐助更多。如果你告知一個(gè)年僅三歲的孩子，他可以“做一個(gè)小助手”（而不是“幫忙”）時(shí)，他會(huì)更愿意完成類似收拾積木的任務(wù)。但是記住，并非所有人對(duì)正面形象的看法都一樣，記得在措辭上隨機(jī)應(yīng)變。例如，在宣傳環(huán)保時(shí)，自由派更喜歡類似“關(guān)心自然世界”以及“不要讓任何生命遭受不幸”這樣的句子，而保守派則更喜歡“展現(xiàn)你的愛國(guó)心”以及“為自己和家園負(fù)起責(zé)任”。

Positive identity.

A second cue for potential helpers involves creating or enhancing their recognition that they are uniquely placed (by virtue of their attributes or role) to provide assistance and that they are not merely people who might help you but helpful people who routinely come to others’ aid. For example, studies have shown that people contribute more to charity when asked if they would like to “be a generous donor” (versus “to donate”) and that children as young as three are more motivated to complete tasks such as cleaning up blocks when told they can “be a helper” (versus “can help”). Remember, however, that people don’t all have the same vision of positive identity, so tailor your message. Research on pro-environment appeals suggests, for instance, that liberals prefer phrases such as “care for the natural world” and “prevent the suffering of all life forms,” whereas conservatives respond better to “show your love for your country” and “take responsibility for yourself and the land you call home.”

感激是另一種能激發(fā)助人者積極形象的有力途徑。生產(chǎn)率軟件公司Boomerang最近進(jìn)行有關(guān)35萬封電郵往來的研究，結(jié)果發(fā)現(xiàn)，如果郵件中包含“提前致謝”“謝謝”這樣的詞，平均回復(fù)率超過63%到66%；而普通的通用語，如“祝好”“致意”和“再見”，回復(fù)率僅有51%到54%。提前致謝會(huì)提高人們的興趣，讓人愿意幫助他人，只要你別把關(guān)注點(diǎn)放在自己從幫助中得到的好處上，而是放在對(duì)方的慷慨和無私，以及助人展現(xiàn)出的品質(zhì)上。

Gratitude is another powerful way to boost helpers’ positive identity.?A recent study?by the productivity software company Boomerang of 350,000 e-mail exchanges found that “Thanks in advance” and “Thanks” yielded average response rates from 63% to 66%, compared with 51% to 54% for other popular options including “Best,” “Regards,” and “Cheers.” Even expressed preemptively, gratitude can keep people interested and invested in helping you, as long as you focus more on their generosity and selflessness—and what that says about them as people—than on how you’ll benefit from the help.

效力。人們希望看到自己的幫助行為產(chǎn)生的效果。這并非出于自負(fù)。很多心理學(xué)家認(rèn)為，人們感到行為達(dá)到預(yù)想中的效果，是人類根本的行為動(dòng)機(jī)。這是讓我們感到人生有意義和有參與感的根本。

沃頓商學(xué)院的亞當(dāng)·格蘭特（Adam Grant）進(jìn)行了一項(xiàng)研究，在某教育和營(yíng)銷軟件公司的國(guó)外呼叫中心，雇員知道中心產(chǎn)生的收益支持其他部門的工作，但和這些部門并無接觸。之后，一位受益者來參觀，講述了這里的工作對(duì)自己和其他人產(chǎn)生的影響，這間呼叫中心的銷量和收益隨后翻了一番。確保潛在助人者知道他們的幫助會(huì)起到很大作用，闡明你所需要的東西以及預(yù)期的效果。例如，在請(qǐng)同事幫忙評(píng)估一份客戶提案時(shí)，你可以說：“在我發(fā)給XX之前，你能幫忙看下這份提案嗎？之前就是因?yàn)槟愕膸兔?，我才拿下了XX案子?！?/p>

Effectiveness.

People want to see or know the impact of the aid they will give. This isn’t an ego thing. Many psychologists believe that feeling effective—knowing that your actions created the results you intended—is the fundamental human motivation; it’s what truly engages people and gives their lives meaning. Consider a study that Wharton’s Adam Grant conducted at an outbound call center in an educational and marketing software company. Employees knew that the revenue they generated supported jobs in another department, with which they’d previously had no contact. After one of the beneficiaries of their work visited and spoke to them about their impact on his and others’ jobs, the call center’s sales and revenue doubled. To ensure that your potential helpers know that their assistance will matter, be very clear about what you need and its projected impact. For example, when asking a colleague to review a client proposal, you might say, “Would you please review this before I send it to XYZ? Your input really helped my previous pitch to ABC succeed.”

如果你承諾接下來會(huì)跟進(jìn)，信守諾言?？赡艿脑?，讓對(duì)方選擇提供幫助的方式，如果和你預(yù)想的不一樣，也愉快接受。要讓助人者選擇自己感到最有效的方式，給予你力所能及的幫助。

Promise to follow up afterward, and do so. If possible, also allow people to choose how they help you, and be willing to accept alternatives to your original request. You want helpers to give what they can—and what will make them feel most effective.

生活和職場(chǎng)

當(dāng)我向他人解釋這些戰(zhàn)略如何落地時(shí)，我通常會(huì)舉一個(gè)生活中的例子：宜家書架的故事。大約一年前，一位研究生同學(xué)讓我?guī)退M裝一個(gè)有點(diǎn)復(fù)雜的書架，你可能有點(diǎn)驚訝，我當(dāng)時(shí)想都沒想就答應(yīng)了。當(dāng)天早上，我拒絕了一個(gè)請(qǐng)我評(píng)估科學(xué)雜志投稿的朋友，忽略了一封女兒學(xué)校邀請(qǐng)家長(zhǎng)幫忙籌備冰激凌聚會(huì)的郵件，不情愿地洗完了衣服但沒有疊。那么為什么組裝書架這件事我這么痛快就答應(yīng)了？

Personal and Professional

When I explain to people how these strategies work in practice, I often give an example from my personal life, involving an IKEA bookshelf. About a year ago, a friend from graduate school asked me to help her assemble a particularly complicated one, and—this might surprise you—I eagerly agreed. That same morning, I’d turned down a request to review a submission to a scientific journal, ignored an e-mail from my daughter’s school asking for parent volunteers to help with an ice cream party, and grudgingly said I would do our family’s laundry but refused to fold it. So why was the DIY request an easy yes?

其中一個(gè)原因是，求助的這位老友和我很聊得來（自己人心理）。另一個(gè)原因是，我天生就有奇異的組裝天分（并非多精通建筑構(gòu)造，而是擅于理解難懂的安裝說明）。多年來每當(dāng)這位朋友需要幫助，我都是她第一時(shí)間想到的閨蜜（效力）。最后，每次有這樣的事情，她總會(huì)在事后對(duì)我說：海蒂，謝謝你。你總是這么助人為樂而且慷慨大方（積極形象）。

One reason is that the person asking was a long-standing friend with whom I enjoy spending time (in-group?reinforcement). Another is that I’m weirdly good at such projects (owing less to my construction prowess than to my ability to interpret poorly written directions), and for years I’d been her go-to gal for help with them (effectiveness). And finally, whenever we work together in this way, my friend always wraps up by saying something like “Heidi, thank you. You are always so helpful and generous” (positive identity).

職場(chǎng)情況也是如此。一家學(xué)習(xí)軟件公司的產(chǎn)品開發(fā)部門主管，想要銷售部門更多地配合他的工作，由于銷售部門承諾在幾乎不可能完成的日程下，為顧客提供高度定制化的產(chǎn)品，這讓他的工作難以推進(jìn)。他幾次主動(dòng)要求參與和顧客的交流，但總被忽略。銷售部門的同事覺得他會(huì)拖慢進(jìn)程，阻礙他們的成功。大家都覺得自己是為公司好，卻各行其是。

I’ve seen situations play out the same way in professional settings. Consider the head of product development at a learning software company who wanted more input with the sales department, which was making his team’s work difficult by agreeing that highly customized orders would be delivered according to near-impossible schedules. He pleaded to be included in discussions with clients but was often ignored; the people in sales believed that he would slow them down and be an obstacle to their success. Of course, all parties felt they were doing what was best for the company, but in their own ways.

最終，深感挫敗的主管決定采用全新的方法贏得同事的合作。他組織了一場(chǎng)和銷售部主管的會(huì)議，給他們講產(chǎn)品研發(fā)的流程。他發(fā)現(xiàn)多數(shù)人并不清楚研發(fā)過程中涉及的工作內(nèi)容。換言之，他們并不知道自己有什么可配合的。他反復(fù)強(qiáng)調(diào)雙方目標(biāo)相同，都是滿足顧客需求，確保復(fù)購(gòu)，這讓銷售團(tuán)隊(duì)深感大家是一體的，從而消除了芥蒂。他將銷售團(tuán)隊(duì)描述為守護(hù)客戶體驗(yàn)的人，并強(qiáng)調(diào)他們決定了公司的品牌未來，這讓銷售團(tuán)隊(duì)有了很積極的形象，并激勵(lì)他們稍微換一種方式看待并完成工作。

Eventually, the frustrated executive decided to take a fresh approach to getting the cooperation he needed from his colleagues. He set up a meeting with sales leaders to talk through the product development process, realizing that most of the team had no idea what work was involved. In other words, they didn’t understand why their help was needed. He began to emphasize in every interaction that they all shared the goal of pleasing the customer to ensure repeat business, creating a strong sense of?in-group?with the sales team. Suddenly it was clear that everyone was on the same side. He also started describing sales leaders as the protectors of customer experience and talked about the power they wielded in determining the future of the company’s brand, which gave them a strong?positive identity?and motivated them to see and approach their work in a slightly different way.

最后，只要銷售人員同意幫助他，并讓他參與工作提案流程，他都表示會(huì)跟進(jìn)，告知他們的幫助對(duì)最后的成功起到了怎樣的作用。大家因此看到自己的行動(dòng)落地并感受到效力。

Finally, whenever salespeople did what he asked and included him in the work proposal process, he made a point of following up with them to say how important it had been to the ultimate success of the delivery. They saw their help land and felt its?effectiveness.

慢慢地，這些戰(zhàn)略極大改進(jìn)了兩個(gè)團(tuán)隊(duì)的關(guān)系，客戶滿意度和利潤(rùn)率都得到了增長(zhǎng)。

下次當(dāng)你感到需要求助他人時(shí)，記得多數(shù)時(shí)候大家都愿意幫助他人。很少有人會(huì)因?yàn)槟阈枰獛椭吹湍?。尋求幫助是讓他人感覺良好的不二法門。它讓我們獲得最好的感受，同時(shí)看到自己最好的一面。

Over time, these strategies dramatically improved relations between the two teams, and the company saw increases in both client satisfaction and profitability.

When you next find yourself in need of help, remember that people are willing to give it much more often than not. Few will think less of you for needing assistance. And there is no better way to make someone feel good about himself or herself than to ask for it. It brings out the best—and the best feelings—in all of us.

（牛文靜 | 譯?? 劉筱薇 | 校?? 萬艷| 編輯）

海蒂·格蘭特是研究動(dòng)機(jī)和溝通的心理學(xué)家，著有《無人理解該怎么辦》（No One Understands You and What to Do About It）和《高效達(dá)成目標(biāo)：就這9招,?讓成功率提高3倍》（Nine Things Successful People Do Differently）等。她的新書是《援軍：如何獲得他人的幫助》（Reinforcements: How to Get People to Help You，《哈佛商業(yè)評(píng)論》出版社2018年出版）。