猛地回頭去看，孤獨(dú)幾乎成了我一生的注腳。

Dashing back, loneliness has almost been the footnote of my life.

它在放學(xué)后獨(dú)自游蕩的午后，在被一個(gè)人關(guān)在院子里擠作業(yè)的周末，在春節(jié)后一個(gè)人點(diǎn)炮仗的平房房頂，在和電腦斗智斗勇的《紅色警戒》里。

It was there, when I was alone, on the afternoons when I drifted around, at the weekends when I squeezed my homework in the locked backyard, on the flat rooftop where I lit firecrackers after Chinese New Year, and in the game Red Alert where I battled wits and courage with AIs.

隨著我的成長(zhǎng)，它也在積蓄力量。

It was gaining strength over the time of my growth.

離婚、離開老家、校園霸凌、爺爺?shù)陌┌Y、再次離婚、奶奶離開、青春期的躁動(dòng)、人際關(guān)系的苦惱，我的青春被孤獨(dú)譜寫著。

Divorce, leaving hometown, being bullied, grandpa's cancer, second divorce, grandma's abscence, the restless of adolescence, headaches from relationships, it was loneliness that composed my youth.

大學(xué)、工作，情況并沒有太多的改善，直到好幾年后，我才有勇氣回頭看去，并從廢墟中牽出一條主線——孤獨(dú)，我現(xiàn)在正在注視的孤獨(dú)。

College, work, it didn't get much better, until years later, when I summoned enough courage to look back, drawing a thread out of the ruins--loneliness, the one I'm staring at.

現(xiàn)在的我，即便是孤身一人，也已經(jīng)很少能體驗(yàn)到孤獨(dú)。就像是二氧化碳之于空氣，他已經(jīng)成為了我的一部分，從注腳變成了某種必然。

Despite being alone, the present I can hardly experience loneliness. It has become a part of me, from a footnote to an inevitable, just like the relationship between carbon dioxide and the air.

今天是我第一次，試圖和孤獨(dú)交朋友。

Today it is the first time that I‘ve attempted to befriend it.

但，我越想靠近它，我就越發(fā)覺它的害羞。它就像是童話里的精靈，只會(huì)在它想的時(shí)候出現(xiàn)。

But, the more I draw close, the more I find it shy. It is like the fairies in a tale, arising only at the desired juncture.

我問自己：“你孤獨(dú)嗎？”

I ask myself:" Are you lonely?"

他說：“不，我并不孤獨(dú)。我只是……有點(diǎn)悲傷?！?/p>

He replies:" No, I'm not. I'm just... a little sad."

“為什么悲傷？”

"But why?"

“因?yàn)槿藗儾⒉焕斫馕?，如果他們理解我，就?huì)明白我是一個(gè)非常棒的人?！?/p>

"Because people don't know me. If they do, they will see what a terrific person I am."

“你覺得人們不喜歡你嗎？”

"You think people don't like you?"

“有一點(diǎn)點(diǎn)。”

"A bit."

“你覺得人們?yōu)槭裁床幌矚g你呢？”

"Any idea why?"

“我曾經(jīng)以為我知道原因，現(xiàn)在就越來越不確定了。這倒不是因?yàn)橹暗南敕ㄌx譜，而是人們太復(fù)雜了。”

"I used to think I knew, but I've become increasingly uncertain. It is not because my thinkings were less sensible, but that now people seem more complicated."

“每個(gè)人都有他自己的麻煩。”

"Everyone has his own troubles."

“麻煩，或者毛病?！?/p>

"Troubles, or problems."

“那美好呢？他們身上的閃光點(diǎn)嗎？”

"How about merits, their shining glitters?"

“并不多。哦不，我發(fā)現(xiàn)，是我不想去承認(rèn)。在我眼里，似乎裝的都是他人的缺點(diǎn)。”

"Not much. Oh no, I've just realized, it is I who don't want to admit: my eyes are filled with their defects."

“他們要非常非常優(yōu)秀，你才會(huì)從心底里去認(rèn)可，對(duì)吧？”

"They have to be very very outstanding before you can recconize them from the bottom of your heart, right?"

“難道我要降低標(biāo)準(zhǔn)嗎？你要讓我和那些亂七八糟的人交朋友？甚至即便他們不懂得什么是尊重和平等？甚至即便他們一點(diǎn)都不勇敢，只知道逃避？不，我做不到，我不會(huì)允許自己那樣做的。那是墮落?！?/p>

"Should I lower my standards? You really want me to make friends with those farfetched people? Those who can't even understand what respect and equality are? Even though they aren't brave at all and know nothing but withdrawal? No, I can't. I will not allow it. It is degeneration."

“你自己本身也是墮落的啊?！?/p>

"But you are degenerated yourself."

“我是被逼無奈！”

"I was pushed to boundaries!"

“誰(shuí)又何嘗不是呢？”

"Who wasn't?"

“果然，還是我自己太狹隘了嗎？”

"Fair enough. Was I narrow-minded?"

確實(shí)。是我太狹隘了。

Ture, ture. I was narrow-minded indeed.