Hair of the dog, butter on a burn, that guy in the comments who says heroin cured his ED -- we've all gotten some terrible medical advice at some point. But in some very, very rare cases, the true secret to advancing medical science has been to get even dumber. Just don't try any of the following unless your doctor signs off on it, and you should probably triple-check that they're actually a doctor first.

狗毛黃油抹燒傷，評(píng)論區(qū)的那個(gè)家伙說(shuō)***治好了他的不舉癥--我們總是能在某些時(shí)刻得到一些可怕的醫(yī)療建議。但是在一些非常非常罕見(jiàn)的病例中，推動(dòng)醫(yī)學(xué)進(jìn)步的真正秘密卻可能很愚蠢。別嘗試以下任意療法，除非你的醫(yī)師簽字同意了，而且你應(yīng)當(dāng)先再三檢查他們是不是真的有行醫(yī)執(zhí)照再說(shuō)。

6
Death Cap Mushrooms Are So Poisonous That They Even Kill Certain Cancers

死亡帽蘑菇毒到能殺死癌細(xì)胞

Death cap mushrooms have that name for a reason. They taste and smell delicious, but they're responsible for around 90 percent of all mushroom-related fatalities. And yet the noxious fungus might be so toxic that it could be weaponized against certain cancers. Meaning that for once, your cousin with the braided beard who drones on and on about natural medicine and Frisbee golf is actually onto something. (Not about the Frolf, though.)

死亡帽蘑菇的得名是有原因的。他們嘗起來(lái)、聞起來(lái)都美味，但是它們?cè)斐闪?0%的蘑菇中毒事件。然而這種有毒真菌可以制成殺死某些癌細(xì)胞的武器，這就意味著你胡子扎辮子的堂兄嘴里念叨著草藥手里拿著飛盤高爾夫就真的是在做正事了。

Alpha-Amanitin, the lethal toxin in the mushroom, doesn't play any nicer with cancer than it does with your body. So scientists are trying to tweak its wrath to focus on tumors without also annihilating your liver, kidneys, and any other squishy parts that get in its way.

蘑菇中的致命物質(zhì)——阿爾法鵝膏素對(duì)癌細(xì)胞比對(duì)你的身體更不好，所以科學(xué)家試圖調(diào)轉(zhuǎn)它的槍口對(duì)準(zhǔn)癌細(xì)胞，而同時(shí)讓它不至于摧毀你的肝腎。

The biggest issue, aside from the fact that we're talking about mainlining a substance so toxic that it's dangerous to even touch, is that mushrooms are fickle organisms. It's difficult to extract the toxin from the mushroom, so a lack of it has brought further research to a standstill. So until a synthetic strain of Alpha-Amanitin can be developed, scientists are stuck slowly wandering around under chestnut trees, far more likely to stumble across men in Birkenstocks who don't understand personal space than a life-saving deadly mushroom.

除了我們談?wù)摰氖且环N毒到碰都有危險(xiǎn)的毒物注射入你的靜脈的事實(shí)之外，最大的問(wèn)題是這處蘑菇非常易變，從這種蘑菇中提取毒素很困難，這種有毒物質(zhì)的缺乏使得研究陷停頓。所以在人工合成的阿爾法鵝膏素出現(xiàn)之前，科學(xué)家們只能卡在栗子樹(shù)下踱步，更可能遇到穿著勃肯鞋不懂私人空間為何物的人而不是一個(gè)可以救命的致命蘑菇。

5
Intestinal Parasites Can Treat Lupus

腸道寄生蟲(chóng)可以治療狼瘡

Hugely important advances in food hygiene, like the five-second rule, have limited our overall exposure to parasites. For the most part, that's obviously a good thing, because as our online medical degree from the University of College taught us, parasites are gross. But certain parasites are also pivotal to human health. Without exposure to them, the body's immune system becomes inactive and unstable, resulting in disorders like lupus, Crohn's, and MS, which have become increasingly common in developed nations.

食品衛(wèi)生方面的巨大進(jìn)步，像是五秒法則，全面限制了我們與寄生蟲(chóng)的接觸。在很大程度上這是一件好事，因?yàn)槲覀儊?lái)自大學(xué)與學(xué)院的在線醫(yī)學(xué)學(xué)位教會(huì)我們寄生蟲(chóng)很惡心。但某些寄生蟲(chóng)對(duì)健康至關(guān)重要，沒(méi)有它們，我們的人體免疫系統(tǒng)就會(huì)變得缺乏活力不穩(wěn)定，導(dǎo)致狼瘡，克羅恩病和多發(fā)性硬化癥等疾病的發(fā)生，在發(fā)達(dá)國(guó)家這些疾病越來(lái)越常見(jiàn)。

Immuno-supressing drugs used to treat those conditions have nasty side effects, like increased opportunistic infections and cancer rates. Beating lupus and the like requires a new approach, and some doctors are getting unexpected help from parasites like the pig whipworm. They call it Helminthic therapy, and it involves administering parasite eggs to patients so that their bodies can go through the normal series of reactions. The worm larvae hatch inside their hosts as normal, or sometimes they're served in delicious worm egg purees! Yes, delicious pig-whipworm-egg smoothies, just like the future promised.

用于治療這些疾病的免疫抑制藥物存在嚴(yán)重的副作用，像是增加機(jī)會(huì)性感染和癌癥的幾率。戰(zhàn)勝狼瘡之類的疾病需要一種新方法，一些醫(yī)生正從像是豬鞭蟲(chóng)這樣的寄生蟲(chóng)里獲得意想不到的幫助。他們稱其為寄生蟲(chóng)療法，包括給病人注射寄生蟲(chóng)卵，讓他們的身體經(jīng)歷一系列的變化反應(yīng)。幼蟲(chóng)在宿主體內(nèi)孵化，有時(shí)是在卵的營(yíng)養(yǎng)基中。是的，美味的豬鞭蟲(chóng)冰沙，就像未來(lái)承諾的那樣。

Clinical trials have been underway for over a decade, but there's a bureaucratic catch in America. For some crazy reason, the FDA isn't keen on selling parasites over the counter or signing off on the relevant studies. But Europe's attitude toward biological specimens harvested from the shit of strangers are a little looser, and the Germans are close to approving an over-the-counter health supplement that will some day be sold right next to Quest bars. Surely it will only be a matter of time until Gwyneth Paltrow is hawking Goop-brand Gutworms.

臨床試驗(yàn)進(jìn)行了十多年了，但有美國(guó)還有官僚主義的問(wèn)題在。出于某些瘋狂的理由，食品藥品管理當(dāng)局并不熱衷于給寄生蟲(chóng)頒發(fā)OTC證明，也不愿在相關(guān)研究上簽字。但是歐洲的在采集陌生人的糞便中的蟲(chóng)子的態(tài)度稍寬松，其中德國(guó)幾乎要批準(zhǔn)一項(xiàng)OTC健康補(bǔ)充劑了，某天就會(huì)在Quest酒吧附近出售了。當(dāng)然，Gwyneth Paltrow叫賣Goop牌腸蟲(chóng)只是個(gè)時(shí)間問(wèn)題了。

4
Arsenic Contamination Cuts Breast Cancer Rates By 50 Percent

砷污染使得乳腺癌發(fā)病率降低了50%

Biologists looking at the breast cancer rates of Chilean villagers were startled to find that the majority of them seemed to be somehow resistant to the disease. In fact, older locals had 50 percent lower breast cancer rates when compared with the general population. After poring over diet and lifestyle data, scientists finally figured it must be, quite literally, something in the water. Specifically, arsenic.

觀察智利村民乳腺癌發(fā)病率的生物學(xué)家驚奇地發(fā)現(xiàn)，他們中的大多數(shù)似乎都在某種程度上對(duì)這種疾病有了抵抗力，。事實(shí)上，與年輕一代人口相比，較老的當(dāng)?shù)厝巳橄侔┑牟÷实?0%。在仔細(xì)分析了飲食和生活數(shù)據(jù)后，科學(xué)家們最終指出一定是水里有什么問(wèn)題。具體來(lái)說(shuō)就是砷。

Groundwater samples showed the presence of naturally occurring arsenic at a rate 80 times higher than what's recommended by the World Health Organization, which we are shocked to learn was not "Holy shit no, don't drink arsenic at all." The discrepancy was not a coincidence. A later water treatment program, established in 1970, inadvertently led to a spike in breast cancer.

地下水樣本顯示天然砷的含量比世衛(wèi)組織標(biāo)準(zhǔn)高出80倍，讓我們震驚的不是“噢不，不能喝砷”。這并不是一種巧合。1970年建立的一個(gè)水處理廠無(wú)意中導(dǎo)致乳腺癌的發(fā)生。

Arsenic is generally a high-risk carcinogen in its own right, but it was also protecting against the most prent cancer in women. The fountain of youth was there the whole time; it just happened to be a wee bit deadly. No, this doesn't mean that you should start chugging the stuff to stave off death, but the FDA has authorized an arsenic-based derivative for leukemia patients. Because hey, at that point, it's not the arsenic you're worried about.

砷本身就是一種致癌物，但是同樣可以防治女性中最普遍的癌癥。青春之泉原先一直都在，只是恰巧有點(diǎn)致命。不，這不意味著你要應(yīng)當(dāng)開(kāi)始咕嘟咕嘟地喝些什么來(lái)避免死亡，但是食藥管理當(dāng)局已向白血病患批準(zhǔn)了一樣砷基化合物。因?yàn)樵谀慊及籽〉那闆r下，你擔(dān)心的就不是砷了。

3
If You Don't Want Ulcerative Colitis, Smoke More Cigarettes

如果你不想得潰瘍性結(jié)腸炎，就多抽煙

Ulcerative colitis (UC) is a persistent, painful disease of the bowels whereby diarrhea and constipation somehow work in tandem, as well as bloody stool and whatever "bowel leakage" is. No, we're not going to look it up. The last-ditch treatment for UC, a proctocolectomy, is also unpleasant. That's a surgical removal of the colon, rectum, and anus. As you can imagine, the alternatives to "having a functioning anus" aren't fun. Oh, and UC rates are going up, for reasons the medical community either can't fathom or doesn't really like to dwell on.

潰瘍新結(jié)腸炎（UC）是一種持續(xù)性的痛苦疾病，這種疾病會(huì)使得腹瀉與便秘交替發(fā)生，還會(huì)有血便以及其它的“腸漏”現(xiàn)象。不，我們不會(huì)想看的。最終極的解決辦法就是切除直腸，沒(méi)人愿意做的，結(jié)腸、直腸、肛門都要切除。正如你所想，有一個(gè)同樣功能的人造肛門并不有趣。噢，UC發(fā)病率正 d在上升，其中的原因醫(yī)學(xué)界并不知曉，也不愿去深究。

But don't give up hope. If you fear this predicament, this is one surefire way to ward it off, and that's to break out a pack of Camels. Smoking cigarettes prevents UC -- an observation first recorded back in the 1980s, when epidemiologists noted that smokers rarely suffered from it. Repeated studies have strengthened the correlation, to the annoyance of doctors everywhere. Trust us, they've tried really hard to disprove that a cigarette break levels up your colon. For obvious reasons.

但是不要放棄治療。如果你害怕這種病癥，那么有一種百分百成功的方法來(lái)預(yù)防，就是拆開(kāi)一包煙。吸煙可以預(yù)防UC--這一觀察結(jié)果最早出現(xiàn)在1980年代，當(dāng)時(shí)流行病學(xué)家注意到煙民很少有得這種病的。反復(fù)研究之后，確認(rèn)了這項(xiàng)結(jié)論，惹惱了世界各地的醫(yī)生。相信我們，他們是多么極力地否認(rèn)戒煙會(huì)升高結(jié)腸病水平。理由顯而易見(jiàn)。

It still isn't clear how smoke quashes UC, but it seems to involve the way the body absorbs nicotine. Until a better solution is found, you're stuck with drugs that induce anemia, osteoporosis, and cataracts ... or the silky smooth taste of Lucky Strikes!

吸煙治療UC的原理尚不明確，但是似乎跟尼古丁有關(guān)。直到更好的解決方案出現(xiàn)前，你就只能與這種導(dǎo)致貧血、骨質(zhì)疏松的白內(nèi)瘴的藥物為伴了，或者是Luchky Strickes的絲般順滑的口感。

2
Meth Kills The Flu

******{譯注：bing毒}可以殺死流感病毒

Meth use is a terrible idea, unless you really, really need to get your house cleaned in a hurry. It damages your brain and heart, it screws up your mental health, and it makes you look like a low-budget zombie. But you know what else sucks? The influenza virus, which routinely causes pandemics ... and which meth happens to combat. Hey, sometimes the cure is nastier than the disease.

使用bd是一個(gè)糟糕的主意，除非你想瞬間讓房間干凈起來(lái)。bd會(huì)損害你的大腦和心臟，損害你的心理健康，還會(huì)讓你看起來(lái)像一個(gè)低預(yù)算的僵尸。但是你知道更糟糕的是什么嗎？流感病毒，通常會(huì)引起大范圍的疾病，而bd正好能克制流感。嘿，有時(shí)候治療比疾病本身更糟糕。

Meth use frequently results in compromised immune systems and increased susceptibility to opportunistic infections, but the flu is a weird exception. Apparently, meth is just so damn toxic that mere contact with the flu virus causes it to wither up and die -- and this effect lasts long after the drug is administered.

bd會(huì)造成免疫缺陷以及機(jī)會(huì)性感染風(fēng)險(xiǎn)增強(qiáng)，但是流感是奇怪的例外。顯然，bd很毒，毒到只是一接觸就會(huì)讓流感病毒凋謝死亡--而且這種效果在藥物起作用后還持續(xù)很長(zhǎng)時(shí)間。

Immunologists are so keen on meth's medicinal value that they're pushing for similar antiviral agents be synthesized to fight the flu, albeit these ones won't make your teeth fall out. In the meantime, if you ever miss your yearly flu shot, consider meth!

免疫學(xué)家如此熱衷于bd的臨床應(yīng)用，以致于他們正在推動(dòng)合成相同的抗病毒藥劑以對(duì)抗流感，雖然這藥物不會(huì)讓你的牙齒脫落。同時(shí)，如果你錯(cuò)過(guò)了每年一次打流感疫苗，那么就考慮一下bd吧。

We have just been told that we are extremely fired for writing the words "consider meth!"

我們剛被告知因?yàn)閷懥恕翱紤]bd”這個(gè)詞，我們被炒魷魚了。

1
Insect Stings Fight Cancer And Prevent Arthritis

昆蟲(chóng)叮咬能抗癌和預(yù)防關(guān)節(jié)炎

Any cancer therapy sounds stupid if you use the right language. "I'm sorry, you want to shoot a ray gun at my tumor? I demand to see your medical license!" That being said, we're really struggling to imagine a future where "wasp therapy" sounds like anything but what your hippie cousin endorsed right up until his face swelled up like a beach ball.

正經(jīng)來(lái)說(shuō)，任何治癌方案聽(tīng)起來(lái)都很蠢“抱歉，你想用雷射槍打我的瘤？我需要看你的行醫(yī)執(zhí)照！”即是說(shuō)我們很難想象這樣一種未來(lái)，“黃蜂療法”聽(tīng)起來(lái)像那么回事，但除了你的嬉皮士堂兄欣然簽字同意，結(jié)果他的臉腫得像沙灘排球那樣。

Polybia paulista, a wasp found in South America, produces a toxin known as MP1, and clinical uations have found that MP1 destroys tumor cells while leaving healthy ones alone. And those tumors do not die a decent death. MP1 creates "gaping holes that allow molecules crucial for cell function to leak out." Many, many future studies are needed, but anything that selectively targets cancerous cells is of interest to scientists ... even if its source makes you swat at the air and flee your picnic.

南美發(fā)現(xiàn)的黃蜂Polybia paulista能夠產(chǎn)生一種名為MP1的毒素，臨床研究發(fā)現(xiàn)MP1可以破壞腫瘤細(xì)胞而不傷到正常細(xì)胞。而這些腫瘤細(xì)胞死得不成“細(xì)胞”樣，MP1可以開(kāi)一個(gè)讓細(xì)胞內(nèi)至關(guān)重要的分子流出的洞，。尚需更多更多的研究，但是科學(xué)家對(duì)任何只針對(duì)腫瘤細(xì)胞的東西都感興趣。即使這東西讓你凌空亂舞，從野餐中逃離。

There's also good news if you have arthritis (uh, relatively speaking). More bee-derived drugs are likely hitting shelves soon, as they've been consistently demonstrated to reduce pain and swelling while increasing range of motion. Bee venom therapy has actually been deemed "superior" to conventional medicines when it comes to treating rheumatoid arthritis, since a bee's sting stimulates a natural release of anti-inflammatory chemicals, which in turn staves off arthritis symptoms. Mother Nature's a bitch, but at least she doesn't require a co-pay.

如果你患有關(guān)節(jié)炎，那么也同樣有好消息（相對(duì)來(lái)說(shuō)）。更多的來(lái)自于黃蜂的藥物將上架，因?yàn)橐恢北蛔C明可以鎮(zhèn)痛消腫，增長(zhǎng)你的運(yùn)動(dòng)里程。治療風(fēng)濕性關(guān)節(jié)炎的時(shí)候，蜂毒一直被認(rèn)為是優(yōu)于傳統(tǒng)療法，因?yàn)榉溽樋梢葬尫盘烊幌孜镔|(zhì)，從而消除關(guān)節(jié)炎的癥狀。大自然母親是個(gè)碧池，但是至少她不要你的錢。