Yes, Prime Minister S02E07

The National Education Service

Bernard: The Chief Whip and Party Chairman to see you.

Hacker: Oh look, take a seat with you. I'll be right with you. Bernard, take a seat. I want you here for this meeting.

Bernard: Isn't this a party matter? This is the Party Chairman and the Chief Whip.

Hacker: It's also a government matter. It's about our education policy.

Bernard: The government's or party's??

Hacker: It's the same thing.

Neil1: With respect, Prime Minister, they're not the same thing.

Jeffrey2: That's why we want the meeting.

Bernard: It seems to be a part of the…

Hacker: Bernard, Sit! Stay. Now, what's the problem?

Neil: Education.

Hacker: What can I do about it??

Jeffrey: You're the Prime Minister.

Hacker: Yes, I know. I have no direct control over education. I don't control the curriculum, I don't control the exams, I don't control the choice of head teachers, nothing!

Neil: But the voters hold you responsible for everything that's going wrong. You do have influence.

Hacker: I'm absolutely fed up with it. When I became Prime Minister, I thought I was going to get power.

And what have I got? I got influence, that's all. I've got no power over the police, the rates, EEC directives, the European courts, our courts, the judges, NATO. What have I got the power to do?

Neil: You have the power to lose us the next election.

Jeffrey: Which you will if you don't tackle education.

Neil: The voters want something done about low academic attainment. The non-competitive ethos, sex education!

Hacker: I'm not against sex education.

Neil: I'm not against children being taught the facts of life in the classroom, but not homosexual technique! Or heterosexual technique, come to that.

Hacker: Where should they learn it then?

Neil: Behind the bike sheds like we did!

Hacker: Did you??

Jeffrey: Never mind sexual technique. Some of our schools are teaching more Hindi than English.

Hacker: I know English is more important than Hindi, but I daren't say so in public or I'd be accused of racism.?

Neil: Yes, last…

Hacker: When I met the Ethnic Awareness Council, I happened to glance at my watch when a black woman delegate was speaking and I was immediately accused of racist body language.

Bernard: And sexist body language.

Hacker: Anyway, I get the message. What do you want me to do?

Neil: I want you to get a grip on education.

Jeffrey: Get Henry to do something about the Department of Education and Science.

Hacker: You won't. They've got him completely house-trained.

Neil: Then Sack him.

Hacker: I can't have another Cabinet convulsion, not yet.

Neil: Then invite the opposition leader's wife here.

Hacker: What can she do?

Neil: Start measuring up for carpets and curtains.

Bernard: Yes, right, fine. This afternoon?

Humphrey: Bernard, I believe the PM wants to see me.

Bernard: Yes, Sir Humphrey.

Humphrey: What's his problem?

Bernard: Education

Humphrey: Well, it's a bit too late to do anything about that now.

Bernard: No, no, the education system.

Humphrey: I see. But it's a bit late to do anything about that either.

Bernard: He thinks he'll lose the next election.

Humphrey: Worse things could befall the nation.

Bernard: He can't ignore facts.

Humphrey: If he can't ignore facts, he's got no business being a politician. Anyway, Bernard, he's got nothing to worry about. The education system does all the most parents require of it. Keeps children out of mischief while they're at work.

Bernard: But that paper the Party Chairman showed the Prime Minister suggested the whole comprehensive system is breaking down. Isn't it?

Humphrey: Bernard, I never thought to hear such language from a loyal member of the Civil Service! Have you been got at by the enemy?

Bernard: You mean the Russians?

Humphrey: No, Bernard, I mean the Prime Minister's political advisor - that Wainwright female.

Bernard: Comprehensive education was an experiment, surely it ought to be validated.

Humphrey: Yes of course, but not invalidated.

Bernard: But if it was introduced to improve educational standards?

Humphrey: Whatever gave you that idea?

Bernard: You mean it was to get rid of class distinction?

Humphrey: Precisely!

Bernard: So that all children…

Humphrey: Children? Who mentioned children?

Bernard: I just…

Humphrey: The Department of Education never mentions children! No, no, no, no, Bernard. It was to get rid of class distinction in the teaching profession. Improve the living standard of teachers, not the educational standards of children. Bring the NUT teachers in the primary and secondary-modern up to the salary level of their rivals in the National Association of Schoolmasters in the grammar schools.

Bernard: But the…

Humphrey: Bernard, when there is a Labour government, the Education Department says comprehensives abolish the class system. When there's a Tory government, they say it's the cheapest way to provide mass education. To Labour, we explain that selective education is divisive and to the Tories we explain that it is expensive. That way, we have a happy relationship with the NUT and we educate our own children privately.

Bernard: But if the government wants change…

Humphrey: The teaching unions don't.

Bernard: But, isn't it our job to persuade unions to accept government policy?

Humphrey: No, it is our job to get the government to accept union policy. Since governments change policy all the time and unions never change their policy at all, common sense requires that the government must be brought in line with the unions.

Bernard: Yes, Prime Minister? Oh, fine. He can see you now. Sir Humphrey, he's very worried that he seems responsible for something he can't change.

Humphrey: Yes, I'm sure. Responsibility without power - the prerogative of the eunuch throughout the ages.

Humphrey: Prime Minister.

Hacker: Good morning, Humphrey. What were you saying?

Humphrey: No, nothing, Prime Minister. I understand you're worried about the local education authority.

Hacker: No, Humphrey, I am worried about the Department of Education and Science.

Humphrey: Indeed? I think the DES does a splendid job.

Hacker: Be that as it may. Look what's happened to education in this country. This is a question from a Religious Studies paper. "Which do you prefer - atom bombs or charity?" Even maths is politicised. "If it costs ￡5 billion a year to maintain Britain's nuclear defences and ￡75 a year to feed a starving African child, how many children could be saved from starvation if the Ministry of Defence abandoned nuclear weapons?"

Humphrey: That's easy. None. They'd spend it all on conventional weapons. In any case, it's just a sum. Five billion divided by 75.

Hacker: But children aren't learning to do the sums.

Humphrey: No, indeed. But the local education authorities might argue that they don't need to. They have pocket calculators.

Hacker: They all need to know HOW it's done. We were all taught basic arithmetic, weren't we?

Humphrey: Were we? What's 3,947 divided by 73?

Hacker: Er…Oh, I'd need a pencil and paper to do that. No, never mind that.

Hacker: I could do it when I left school.

Humphrey: But now you'd use a calculator.

Hacker: That's not the point. I mean, look at Latin. Hardly anybody knows that now.

Humphrey: Tempora mutantur, nos et mutamur in illis.

Hacker: What?

Humphrey:Times change and we change with the times.

Hacker: Precisely.

Humphrey: Si tacuisses, philosophus mansisses.

Hacker: What does that mean?

Humphrey: If you'd kept your mouth shut, we might have thought you were clever.

Hacker: I beg your pardon?

Humphrey: Not you, Prime Minister. That's the translation.

Bernard: No one would have thought Sir Humphrey was saying that about you.

Humphrey: Go away, Bernard, please.

Hacker: I can't believe it, Humphrey. You had a conventional strict academic upbringing. Are you denying the value of it?

Humphrey: What's the use of it? I can't even call upon it in conversation with the PM of Great Britain!

Hacker: Education in this country is a disaster. We're supposed to be preparing children for a working life. Three quarters of the time they're bored stiff.

Humphrey: I should've thought that being bored stiff for three quarters of the time was an excellent preparation for working life.

Hacker: The school leaving age was raised to 16 so they could learn more, but they're learning less.

Humphrey: We didn't raise it to enable them to learn more but to keep teenagers off the job market and hold down unemployment figures.

Hacker: Are you saying there's nothing wrong with education in this country?

Humphrey: No, of course not. It's a joke. It's always been a joke. And as long as you leave it in the hands of local councillors, it will remain a joke. I mean, half of them are your enemies anyway and the other half are the sort of friends that make you prefer your enemies.

Hacker: What are you saying?

Humphrey: I'm saying that education will never get any better as long as it's subject to all that tomfoolery in the town halls. I mean just imagine what would happen if you put defence in the hands of the local authorities.

Hacker: Defence?

Humphrey: Yes, give councils ￡100 million each and ask them to defend themselves, we won't have to worry about the Russians, we'd have a civil war in three weeks!

Hacker: You're just being silly.

Humphrey: Am I, Prime Minister? And that's what's happened to education.And why? Because nobody thinks education is serious the way defence is serious.

Hacker: You mean, so that's why civil defence is in local authority hands?

Humphrey: Of course.Because everybody knows it's a joke.You just don't leave important matters in the hands of those clowns! And as you've left education to them, one must assume that, until now, you have attached little importance to it.

Hacker: I think it's extremely important. It could lose me the next election.

Humphrey: Ah! In my naivety, I thought you were concerned about the future of our children.

Hacker: Yes, that too. After all, they get the vote at 18.

Humphrey: Then, Prime Minister, then centralise. Take it away from the local councils. Put it under the Department of Education and Science, then you actually could do something about it.

Hacker: Do you think I could? Grasp the nettle, take the bull by the horns?

Bernard: Prime Minister, you can't take the bull by the horns if you're grasping the nettle.

Hacker: Oh, really, Bernard?

Bernard: I mean, if you grasped the nettle with one hand, you could take the bull by one horn with the other hand, but not both horns because your hand isn't big enough. If you did take the bull by one horn, it would be rather dangerous because…

Well, it was just a mixed metaphor and since we were discussing education, I do …

(BUZZER)

Bernard: Thank God! Yes? Oh it's…your political advisor's outside.

Hacker: Send her in, Bernard. Humphrey, thank you.

Humphrey: Thank you.

Hacker: You've given me much food for thought.

Humphrey: In that case, Prime Minister, bon appétit. Dear lady.

Hacker: Yes, Dorothy?

Dorothy: My notes on the programme for your tour of the north-west.

Bernard: Prime Minister, visits to hospitals and factories.

Hacker: Drumming up votes in marginal constituencies.

Bernard: No! Prime Minister.

Hacker: Why not??

Bernard: I'm coming with you if it's a government tour, but if it's canvassing marginals, it's a party event and I can't come and the Treasury can't pay.

Dorothy: It's a government visit, Bernard. It's pure coincidence that all the stop-offs are in marginals.

Bernard: Well, that's all right, then.

Hacker: That's OK. Dorothy, what can I do about education? Quickly.

Dorothy: You mean do or appear to do?

Hacker: Appear to do. I can't do, obviously.

Dorothy: Well, in the short term, we could get you on TV associated with something good and successful in education.

Hacker: Is there something?

Dorothy: I had thought of this for your schedule. You could fit it in.

Hacker: St Margaret's School Young Enterprise Scheme.

Dorothy: Yes, the school has set up its own manufacturing company. They make cheeseboards, paperweights, toast racks, market and sell them and track the operation in their maths and business studies classes. They involve local businessmen. Parents help too.

Hacker: Sounds great. Does it cost a lot?

Dorothy: No, on the contrary, it makes a profit.

Hacker: Isn't it teaching them to be rather grasping??

Dorothy: No, they give the money to the local charity.

Hacker: Fine, I'll do it. Make sure the TV crews have plenty of time to cover me…er…cover the event properly. Write me a speech with a snappy, 20-second piece for the news bulletins. That should win back a few seats.

Bernard: Prime Minister.

Hacker: Er, give a lead to those responsible for the nation's education, Bernard.

Bernard: Of course, Prime Minister.

Newsreader: Finally, the PM visited St Margaret's School on his north-western tour. The school has set up its own little manufacturing business where the children make a variety of goods in the school carpentry shop for sale in the local community.

The children do their own sales and marketing and use the experience they gain from the enterprise as a basis for their maths and business studies. The Prime Minister was presented with an example of the school's output.

Hacker: In conclusion, I must congratulate you on all the hard work, the discipline and the success of your enterprise. You've set an example in British education which other schools would do well to follow. We need more schools like St Margaret's and I shall always treasure your present. No Prime Minister ever lost a seat if he could help it!

Newsreader: And that was the six o'clock news from the BBC.

Hacker: I thought that was OK, didn't you?

Dorothy: Fine.

Hacker: My joke went down well.

Dorothy: MY joke!

Hacker: Better than Channel 4 coverage anyway. They didn't describe it as the PM's tour of the north-west. They said, "Jim Hacker touring the marginal constituencies."

Annie: That's true, isn't it??

Hacker: But they shouldn't say it. It's biassed reporting!

Annie: Reporting the facts?

Hacker: Anyway, there's nothing wrong with visiting the marginals.

Annie: What they said was still true.

Hacker: But it was still biassed to say it!

Annie: Darling, I'm not interested in your paranoia. I was interested in that school.

Dorothy: Parents queue up to get their children into it.

Annie: What a pity they can't all get in. More coffee?

Dorothy: Lovely.

Annie: Why can't more parents send their children there?

Hacker: No room.

Dorothy: There is room actually. School numbers are falling.

Hacker: That'd mean poaching the other schools.

Annie: So what's wrong with that?

Hacker: The other schools wouldn't have enough pupils, they would have to close.

Annie: Great! St Margaret's could take over their buildings.

Hacker: Darling, you couldn't do that, that wouldn't be fair.

Annie: Who to??

Hacker:The teachers in the schools that had to close.

Annie: But the good teachers would be taken on by the popular schools. They're being needed.

Hacker: What about the bad teachers? It wouldn't be fair on them.

Annie: What about being fair on the children, or are the bad teachers' jobs more important?

Hacker: Darling, it's…it's no good. Who's to say who are the bad teachers? It just wouldn't work.

Annie: Why not?

Hacker: Well it wouldn't work.

Dorothy: Why not?

Hacker: What do you mean?

Dorothy: Suppose schools were like doctors. In the NHS, you choose which doctor you'd like to go to, can't you?

Hacker: Yes.

Dorothy: And he gets paid per patient. Why don't we do the same with schools? Have a National Education Service. The parents could choose the schools they want and the schools get paid per pupil.

Annie: Exactly!?

Hacker: There'd be an outcry.

Dorothy: From the parents?

Hacker: No, not from parents, from the Department of Education.

Dorothy: I see. And who has the most votes?

Hacker: The DES would block it.

Dorothy: Fine, get rid of them.

Hacker: What??

Dorothy: Get rid of the Department of Education.

Hacker: I don't understand you.

Dorothy: Get rid of it, abolish it, remove it, expunge it, eliminate it, eradicate it, exterminate it! Get rid of it!

Hacker: Get rid of it?

Dorothy: Yes.

Hacker: I couldn't do that.

Dorothy: Why not? What does it do??

Hacker: I could do that. Local government could administer the lot. We could have a Board of School Inspectors. And the rest could go to the Environment. Then I could send that house-trained idiot Henry to the House of Lords. Golly. I wonder what Humphrey will say.

Dorothy: Whatever he says, I want to be there when you tell him.

Hacker: To witness the clash between the political will and the administrative will?

Dorothy: I think it'll be a clash between the political will and the administrative won't.

Humphrey: You sent for me, Prime Minister?

Hacker: Humphrey, come in. Sit down. I want to bounce an idea off you. I've realised how to reform the educational system.

Humphrey: Excellent, Prime Minister. (CLAPS HIS HANDS)

Hacker: I'm going to let parents take their children away from school, and to any school they want.

Humphrey: You mean after application, scrutiny, tribunal hearing and appeals procedures?

Hacker: No, just move them whenever they want to.

Humphrey: I'm sorry. I don't quite follow.

Dorothy: This government is going to let parents decide which schools to send their children to.

Humphrey: Prime Minister, you can't be serious!

Hacker: I am.

Humphrey: But it's preposterous!

Dorothy: Why??

Humphrey: You can't expect parents to make these choices. How on earth would parents know which schools are best?

Hacker: Which school did you go to, Humphrey?

Humphrey: Winchester.

Hacker: Was it good?

Humphrey: Oh, excellent, of course.

Hacker: Who chose it?

Humphrey: My parents, naturally. Now, that's different, Prime Minister. My parents were discerning people. You can't expect ordinary people to know where to send their children.

Dorothy: Why not?

Humphrey: Well, how could they tell?

Dorothy: They could tell if their kids could read, write and do sums, they could tell if the neighbours were happy with the school and they could tell if the exam results were good.

Humphrey: Exam results aren't everything, Prime Minister.

Dorothy: That's true. And those parents who don't want an academic education for their children can choose progressive schools.

Humphrey: But parents have no qualifications to make these choices. I mean, teachers are the professionals. Parents are the worst people to bring up children. They've no qualifications, no training. You don't expect untrained teachers to teach. The same should apply to parents.

Hacker: You mean, before having children, they should be trained?

Humphrey: No, that's no problem. They've all been trained to HAVE kids. Sex-education classes have been standard for some years.

Hacker: I see, perhaps we could do better. Before people are allowed to have children, we should make them sit exams, written and practical. Perhaps both. And then they could be issued with breeding licences.

Humphrey: Oh, very droll, Prime Minister. No, but I'm being serious. It's looking after children that parents are not qualified for. That's why they have no idea which schools to choose. It couldn't work.

Dorothy: Then how does the Health Service work? People choose their family doctor without medical qualifications.

Humphrey: Ah, yes, well, that's different.

Dorothy: How?

Humphrey: Well, doctors are…The patients aren't parents, dear lady.

Dorothy: Oh, really? What makes you think that, Humpy?

Humphrey: Not as such. In any case, as a matter of fact, I think that letting people choose doctors is a very bad idea, very messy. Much tidier to allocate people to GPs, much fairer. Then everyone has an equal chance of getting the bad doctors.

Hacker: I see.

Humphrey: In any case, we're not talking about health, we're talking about education. With respect, Prime Minister, I think that the DES will react with some caution to your rather novel proposals.

Hacker: You mean they'll block it.

Humphrey: I mean, they will give it the most serious and urgent consideration and insist on a thorough and rigorous examination of all the proposals allied to a detailed feasibility study and budget analysis before producing a consultative document for consideration by all interested bodies and seeking comments and recommendations to be included in a brief for a series of working parties who will produce individual studies which will provide the background for a more wide-ranging document considering whether or not the proposal should be taken forward to the next stage.

Hacker: You mean they'll block it.

Humphrey: Yeah.

Hacker: No problem.

Dorothy: We thought you'd say that.

Hacker: We have a solution.

Humphrey: Oh, yes?

Hacker: We'll abolish the DES.

Humphrey: I'm sorry?

Hacker: We'll abolish it.

Humphrey: Abolish it?

Dorothy: Why not?

Humphrey: Abolish Education and Science?! That'd be the end of civilisation as we know it!

Hacker: We'd only be abolishing the department. Education and science will flourish.

Humphrey: With no government department? Impossible!

Dorothy: Humphrey, government departments are tombstones. The Department of Industry marks the grave of industry, the Department of Employment marks the grave of employment employment, the Department of Environment marks the grave of the environment. And the Department of Education marks where the corpse of British education is buried.

Hacker: What does the DES do? What's it for? What's its role?

Humphrey: I hardly know where to begin! Prime Minister. It lays down guidelines, it centralises and channels money into education authorities, University Grants Committee, it sets standards!

Hacker: Does it lay down the curriculum?

Humphrey: No, but it would like to!

Dorothy: Does it select and change head teachers?

Humphrey: No, but…

Hacker: Does it maintain school buildings?

Humphrey: No…

Dorothy: Does it set and mark exams?

Humphrey: No…

Hacker: Does it choose the children?

Humphrey: No, but it…

Hacker: Then how does the Secretary of State affect how my child does at school?

Humphrey: It supplies 60% of the cash.

Dorothy: Why can't the cash go straight from the Treasury to the schools or the University Grants Committee? I mean, do we really? need 2,000 civil servants to funnel money from A to B?

Humphrey: The DES also creates a legislative framework for education.

Hacker: There's not much legislation surely. The Environment could do that. They deal with other local authority matters.

Humphrey: Prime Minister, you can't be serious! Who'd assess forward planning and staffing variations, variations in pupil populations, density of schooling required in urban and rural areas? Who'd make sure everything ran properly?

Dorothy: 2,500 private schools seem to solve these problems every day every week, Humphrey, without any help from the DES. They simply respond to changing circumstances. Supply and demand. It's easy.

Humphrey: Who would plan for the future?

Hacker: Are you saying the education today is what the department planned?

Humphrey: Well, of…No, of course not!

Hacker: Is there anything else that the DES does?

Humphrey: Well, it it

Hacker: Well, we don't need it, then, do we? QED. Quod erat demonstrandum.

Arnold: I really…Quite unthinkable. Once they start abolishing whole departments, the very foundations of civilisation crumble.

Humphrey: Barbarians at the gates.

Arnold: The return of the Dark Ages.

Humphrey: Did anything like this crop up when you were Cabinet Secretary, Arnold?

Arnold: No. We let them amalgamate departments, but that worked very well.

Humphrey: Yes, quite. You keep the existing staff and you put in an extra layer of coordinating management at the top.

Arnold: Exactly. But you have to stop the liquidation of the Department of Education, Humphrey. Have you tried discrediting the person who proposed it??

Humphrey: Well, no point. It was the Wainwright female, so he's passing it off as his own idea.

Arnold: Discrediting the facts behind it?

Humphrey: It's a political idea, so obviously facts don't come into it.

Arnold: Massaging the figures?

Humphrey: No figures are involved. But it's hard to get the Prime Minister to see that it's a bad idea.

Arnold: Of course. It's actually a very good idea. It just mustn't happen.

Humphrey: I wonder if we oughtn't to play along with it - in the interests of the nation's children.

Arnold: Never mind the nation's children. What about our colleagues at the Department of Education?

Humphrey: Yes, of course. Sorry.

Arnold: Let's be clear about this. The only people who'll like this idea are the parents and the children. Everyone who counts will be against it.

Humphrey: Teachers' Unions.

Arnold: The local authorities.

Humphrey: Educational press.

Arnold: And, of course, the DES. So what's the strategy?

Humphrey: Well, the Unions can be counted on to disrupt the schools.

Arnold: And go on TV saying it's the government who are causing the disruption.

Humphrey: Good. Yes.? Local councils will threaten to turn the constituency parties against the government.

Arnold: Fine. The Department of Education will delay every stage of the process and leak anything that embarrasses the government. We can help with that at the Campaign for Freedom of Information.

Humphrey: Thank you, Arnold.

Arnold: Ah, thanks.

Humphrey: But what are we actually going to do? Thank you, Billy. What's our argument?

Arnold: Well, obviously, that this new proposal will destroy our educational system.

Humphrey: Well, everybody knows it's destroyed already.

Arnold: Well, we will say…Sorry, the press will say that it's government interference in the Department of Education that destroyed it and that this new plan will make things worse.

Humphrey: Will that do the trick?

Arnold: It always has in the past.

Humphrey: Yes, but this time the political pressure is stronger.

Arnold: You must find a political weapon to fight it with.

Humphrey: What political weapon did you have in mind, Arnold?

Arnold: I? That is your concern, Humphrey. Your chance to prove yourself worthy of the high office to which you've been called.

Bernard: Sir Humphrey, the Prime Minister's ready to see you.

Humphrey: What's it about?

Bernard: The abolition of the DES, I'm afraid, Sir Humphrey.

Humphrey: This is going to be bloody.

Bernard: Yes, just before you go in, there's a minor matter. I need your advice

Humphrey: Is it important, Bernard?

Bernard: Not important but urgent.

Humphrey: What is it?

Bernard: You know that enterprise school the PM visited in Widnes…

Humphrey: Yes, yes.

Bernard: …when they gave him that stool?

Humphrey: That stool, yes.

Bernard: It's just come to light that the wood they were using in the carpentry shop was stolen.

Humphrey: Bernard, this is hardly…Stolen?

Bernard: Yes, it was government property stolen from a YTS workshop by the pupils working there last year.

Humphrey: How shocking.

Bernard: It was referred to the DES from the Employment, as the theft came to light at a school. They don't know whether to prosecute. I am sorry to bother you with this minor matter.

Humphrey: Don't mention it, Bernard. Show me in.

Hacker: Come in, Humphrey. Come in, come in! Sit down. Only one item on the agenda today - the abolition of the DES.

Humphrey: Actually, if there's only one item, it's an agenDUM.

Bernard: I don't think the Prime Minister's got as far as the second declension.

Hacker: I don't mind your scoring cheap debating points since you've already lost the battle of the DES.

Humphrey: The DES will be very upset, Prime Minister.

Hacker: Does it matter since they'll cease to exist? The process will take a year or two.

Humphrey: They'll fight tooth and nail.

Hacker: What can they do to me??

Humphrey: They're a formidable department.

Hacker: I am a formidable Prime Minister.

Humphrey: Indeed you are, Prime Minister. But you might still need their cooperation.

Hacker: Cooperation? From the Department of Education? Don't make me laugh!

Humphrey: Fine, fine. I'll tell them to go ahead with the prosecution, then.

Hacker: Prosecution? What prosecution?

Humphrey: Oh, it's hardly worth bothering you with, Prime Minister, but that enterprise school where you were televised last week.

Hacker: Yes?

Humphrey: The profits it seeked…A model for other schools to follow,,,

Hacker: Yes, yes, go on.

Humphrey: Yes, yes. The profits were the proceeds of theft.

Hacker: Theft? What do you mean, theft?

Humphrey: I mean removing goods without the knowledge or consent of the owner with the intent of permanently depriving him of possession.

Hacker: I know what theft means. What do YOU mean?

Humphrey: Well, the stool that they gave you was made from wood appropriated from the local YTS workshops.

Hacker: What do you mean?

Humphrey: It was nicked. By two of last year's pupils.

Bernard: A pair of nickers.

Humphrey: Thank you, Bernard. The YTS want to prosecute. Now, the Department of Education could stop them. You know, return the wood and hush it up.

Hacker: Millions saw me on TV saying that school was an example to Britain!

Humphrey: Well, it is a sort of example.

Hacker: Humphrey, they mustn't prosecute!

Humphrey: I do hope the Department of Education won't leak the fact that you're covering up for crooks.

Hacker: You must tell them not to prosecute.

Humphrey: That would need their cooperation. I can just see the newspapers: "Jim's enterprising crooks." "The Prime Minister has sat on the fence for so long that now he's become one."

Hacker: You must persuade them not to prosecute.

Humphrey: It's very difficult to persuade people to cooperate if they are actually under a death sentence.

Hacker: Death sentence?

Humphrey: If you're abolishing the department.

Hacker: Oh! Oh, that! No, that was just a vague idea of Dorothy's. An idle thought. Nothing serious.

Humphrey: You're sure?

Hacker: Positive.

Humphrey: Splendid, Prime Minister. Shall we now continue with the agendum?

Hacker: Agendum? Oh, yes! We have no agendum.

Bernard: (RHYTHMICALLY) We have no agendum today!

Hacker: Business concluded. All right, Humphrey?

Humphrey: Yes, Prime Minister.

1: the party chairman

2: Jeffrey Person