正文翻譯

How To Handle Other People’s Bad Moods Like a Pro

如何像專業(yè)人士一樣處理別人的壞情緒

0

Step 1: Treat difficult emotions like a puzzle, not a problem

第一步: 把困難的情緒當作一個謎題，而不是一個問題

0

Here’s a question I get asked a lot as a therapist:
How do you sit there and listen to people’s problems all day? Don’t you get depressed?
To be honest, not really.

以下是我作為治療師經常被問到的一個問題：
你怎么能整天坐在那里聽別人的問題? 你不會感到沮喪嗎？
老實說，并不會。

0

0

The ability to manage other people’s bad moods and difficult emotions well is an ability that can be practiced and strengthened.What follows are 5 specific skills I’ve learned that help me to effectively and respectfully handle other people’s difficult emotions.

管理他人不良情緒和困難情緒的能力是一種可以練習和加強的能力。
以下是我學到的5種特殊技能，它們能幫助我有效且尊重地處理別人的困難情緒。

0

If you can learn to cultivate them, these skills will help you keep your cool in every relationship in your life, especially the most important ones — like spouses, bosses, parents, partners, and children.

如果你能學會培養(yǎng)它們，這些技能將幫助你在生活中的每一段關系中保持冷靜，尤其是最重要的關系，比如配偶、老板、父母、伴侶和孩子。

0

1. Treat Strong Emotion as a Puzzle, Not a Problem

1. 把強烈的情緒當作一個謎題，而不是一個問題

0

When someone close to us is racked with anxiety, overwhelmed by sadness, or just incredibly frustrated, it’s natural to see their emotion as a problem — something to be taken care of and resolved quickly. This is why we so often turn to advice-giving when people we care about are upset.

當我們身邊的人焦慮不安、悲傷不堪、或者極度沮喪時，我們自然會把他們的情緒視為一個問題—— 一個需要迅速處理和解決的問題，這就是為什么當我們關心的人心煩意亂的時候，我們經常求助于建議。

0

But as I’m sure you’ve come to learn, giving advice to someone in the throes of a bad mood is typically unhelpful at best and often counterproductive.

但是我相信你已經有過經驗教訓了，給心情不好的人提供建議通常是無益的，而且往往適得其反。

0

Instead of viewing someone’s bad mood as a problem to be fixed, what if you shifted your perspective and saw it as a puzzle instead?

與其把別人的壞情緒看作是一個需要解決的問題，不如換個角度，把它看作是一個難題，會怎么樣呢？

0

Viewing someone’s emotion as a problem puts us in a moral frx of mind — we think of the emotion as something bad to be gotten rid of quickly.

把別人的情緒看成是一個問題，會讓我們置于一種道德的思維框架中——我們把這種情緒看成是不好的東西，要趕快擺脫。

0

On the other hand, thinking of it as a puzzle puts us in a mindset of curiosity. And when we’re curious about another person’s emotion, it’s far easier to be validating, understanding, and empathetic, which is what most people experiencing strong, painful emotions really need.

另一方面，把它想象成一個謎題會讓我們產生好奇心，當我們對另一個人的情緒感到好奇時，我們更容易確認、理解和感同身受，而這正是大多數(shù)經歷強烈痛苦情緒的人真正需要的。

0

So, pay attention to your own self-talk when someone you care about is very emotional. How are you thinking about their emotion to yourself? Try to catch and hold back on thoughts like:
Don’t they see this isn’t doing them any good!

所以，當你關心的人非常情緒化的時候，注意你自己的言語，你是如何看待他們的情緒對自己的影響的？試著捕捉并抑制這樣的想法：難道他們不明白這對他們沒有任何好處！

0

If only they knew how much they impacted other people, they’d never be like this.

如果他們知道自己對別人的影響有多大，他們就不會這樣了。

0

And instead, substitute more curiosity-driven questions:
What could be going on in their mind that would lead to so many painful feelings?
What kinds of external situations or circumstances might have set them up for feeling this way?
Even though they don’t like feeling sad, is there some kind of benefit they might be getting from it?

相反，用更多好奇心驅動的問題來代替：
· 他們腦子里到底在想什么，會導致這么多痛苦的感覺？
· 什么樣的外部情況或環(huán)境可能使他們產生這種感覺？
· 既然他們不喜歡悲傷的感覺，他們能從中得到什么好處嗎？

0

0

When someone you care about is in a bad mood, try to understand how and why they’re feeling the way they are rather than how it can be fixed.

當你關心的人心情不好的時候，試著去理解他們是如何以及為什么會有這種感覺，而不是怎樣才能解決。

0

2. Try Some Reverse Empathy

2. 嘗試一些反向同理心

0

0

And while empathy is obviously an important skill to cultivate for all sorts of reasons, there’s a version of it that’s especially helpful for managing other people’s bad moods. I call it reverse empathy.

同理心顯然是一種需要培養(yǎng)的重要技能，出于各種原因，有一種類型的同理心對管理別人的壞情緒特別有幫助，我稱之為反向同理心。

0

Reverse empathy: rather than putting yourself in someone else’s shoes, try to remember a time when you wore the same shoe.

反向同理心：與其設身處地的從別人的角度著想，不如試著去回憶你曾經和在同一情況是何種狀態(tài)。

0

In other words, try to recall a time when you struggled in a similar way and with a similar set of difficult emotions and mood.

換句話說，試著回憶一段你以類似的方式，與類似的困難情緒和情感掙扎的經歷。

0

0

0

And the more you can relate yourself to what they’re going through, the Better your odds of being genuinely helpful and supportive to the person next to you, not to mention being less reactive and emotional yourself.

你越能把自己的經歷和他們的經歷聯(lián)系起來，你就越有可能真正地幫助和支持你旁邊的人，你自己也不那么被動和情緒化。

0

3. Be a Mirror, Not a Mechanic

3. 做一面鏡子，而不是一個機械師

0

0

Bob feels bad and starts describing how he feels and why he thinks he feels that way to Shelly. Because she sees that Bob is in pain and struggling, Shelly’s natural reaction is to try and alleviate or eliminate Bob’s suffering.

鮑勃感覺很糟糕，并開始向雪莉描述他的感受，以及為什么他認為他有這種感覺，她看到鮑勃在痛苦和掙扎，雪莉的自然反應是試圖減輕或消除鮑勃的痛苦。

0

But here’s the thing:

但問題是：

0

0

Bake that into your brain, because it’s one of the most counterintuitive but universally true laws of human psychology I can think of. And once you really believe it and start acting accordingly, everybody starts feeling Better.

把這一點深刻進你的大腦，因為這是我能想到的最違反直覺但卻是普遍真實的人類心理學定律之一， 一旦你真明白了這一點，并開始相應地行動，每個人都能感覺更好。

0

0

Reflective Listening means that when someone tells you something, you simply reflect back to them what they said, either literally or with your own slight spin on it.

反思性傾聽意味著當有人告訴你一些事情時，你只需簡單地把他們所說的“反射”給他們，可以是原話，也可以是你自己微調過的話。

0

For example:
Your boss: I can’t believe Teddy embarrassed me like that in front of the whole staff! You: Sounds like you were really embarrassed.
Your husband: You never listen, you’re always just giving me advice. You: It seems like you feel as though I tend to just give advice without really listening to what you’re saying.

例如:
你的老板：
我真不敢相信泰迪在全體員工面前讓我難堪！?
你：聽起來真的很尷尬。
你丈夫：你從來不聽，你總是給我建議。?
你：你似乎覺得我只是在給建議，而沒有真正聽你說什么。

0

Now, I know this might sound silly or condescending at first blush, but I promise you it works.
The reason is, it’s not about the content of what they’re saying, it’s about how they feel. Yes, they know and you know that they were really embarrassed at work. The real value of your reflecting back what they just said is that it helps them feel like you are with them, that you’re connected and understanding and on their side.

我知道這聽起來可能很愚蠢，甚至有些居高臨下，但是我向你保證這是有效的。
原因是，這與他們所說的內容無關，而是他們的感受。?
是的，他們知道，你也知道，他們在工作中遭遇了尷尬，你回顧他們剛才所說的話的真正價值在于，它能幫助他們感覺到你和他們在一起，你和他們聯(lián)系在一起，理解他們，站在他們一邊。

0

By mirroring another person’s experience you’re giving them something far more valuable than advice — you’re giving them a genuine connection.

通過“模仿”別人的經歷，你給了他們比建議更有價值的東西——你給了他們一種真正的聯(lián)系。

0

4. Validate Your Own Emotions
One of the hardest things about other people’s bad moods is the emotions they tend to stir up in us.
Our spouse is sad and melancholic, and we get frustrated.
Our boss is anxious and overbearing, and which makes us feel anxious too.
Our parent is angry and irritable, and we respond with annoyance and sarcasm.

4. 確認自己的情緒
處理別人的壞情緒，最困難的事情之一就是他們往往會激起我們的情緒。
· 我們的配偶悲傷憂郁，我們感到沮喪。
· 我們的老板焦慮而專橫，這也讓我們感到焦慮。
· 我們的父母生氣、易怒的，我們以煩惱和諷刺作為回應。

0

The trouble is, once we’re deep into a spiral of our own negative emotion, it’s hard to have enough mental and emotional bandwidth to navigate our own mood and that of someone else. This is why we often react to other people’s bad moods in a way that ultimately isn’t helpful to them, us, or the relationship.

問題是，一旦我們陷入自己消極情緒的漩渦，就很難有足夠的精神和情感“帶寬”來駕馭我們自己和他人的情緒。?
這就是為什么我們經常對別人的壞心情做出反應，而這種反應最終對他們、我們或這段關系都沒有幫助。

0

The solution is to get Better at noticing and managing our own emotional responses early so that they don’t balloon out of control. And the best way I know of to do that is through a process called validation.

解決的辦法是更好地注意到并及早管理我們自己的情緒反應，這樣它們就不會失控膨脹，我所知道的最好的方法就是通過一個叫做“確認”的過程來應對。

0

Validation simply means acknowledging our own emotions and reminding ourselves that they’re okay and reasonable.

“確認”意味著承認我們自己的情緒，并提醒自己這些情緒是可以接受的和合理的。

0

For example, suppose your spouse or partner has been worked up all evening about some incident at work. They’re frustrated, angry, a little bit anxious, and there’s no sign of it letting up. While you’ve been able to tolerate it for the past couple hours, you feel yourself starting to get annoyed with them.

例如，假設你的配偶或伴侶整個晚上都在為工作中發(fā)生的一些事情而煩躁不安，他們感到沮喪，憤怒，焦慮，而且沒有任何停止的跡象，雖然在過去的幾個小時里你能夠忍受它，但是你覺得自己開始對它們感到厭煩。

0

Rather than a) acting on this annoyance and saying something unhelpful to your spouse, or b) becoming judgmental of yourself for feeling annoyed with them, you could validate your own annoyance.

與其：A. 對這種厭煩采取行動，對你的配偶說一些無益的話 或者 B. 因為對他們厭煩而對自己進行評判
不如：“確認”自己的厭煩。

0

You could pause for a few seconds, acknowledge that you’re feeling annoyed and frustrated with your spouse, remind yourself that it’s okay and natural to feel that way, and then ask yourself what the most helpful way to move forward might be.

你可以停頓幾秒鐘，承認你對配偶感到煩躁和沮喪，提醒自己這種感覺是可以的，也是很自然的，然后問自己最有用的解決方式可能是什么。

0

5. Clarify Your Responsibility

5. 明確你的責任

0

A common pitfall I see people make when trying to deal effectively with other people’s bad moods is to overextend their responsibility to that person to include how they feel.

我看到人們在試圖有效地處理別人的壞情緒，經常落入的一個陷阱就是把他們的責任過度擴展到包括他們的感受。

0

Let me unpack that a bit:

讓我稍稍解釋一下:

0

We can only be responsible for things that we can control.

· 我們只能對我們能控制的事情負責。

0

Emotions, by their very nature, are not directly under our control.

· 情緒，就其本質而言，是不受我們直接控制的。

0

Because we can’t control emotions directly, we’re not responsible for them — either our own or those of other people.

· 因為我們不能直接控制情緒，所以我們不需要對情緒負責——無論是我們自己的還是別人的。

0

However, we are responsible for our actions — for how we choose to behave and think.

然而，我們要對我們的行為負責——對我們如何選擇行為和思考方式負責。

0

When we assume responsibility for things beyond our control, we set ourselves up for unnecessary frustration, disappointment, and resentment.

當我們?yōu)樽约簾o法控制的事情承擔責任時，我們就會讓自己陷入不必要的沮喪、失望和怨恨之中。

0

On the other hand, when we are clear about what we actually have control over — and therefore responsibility for — we’re able to deploy our efforts and resources as effectively as possible.

另一方面，當我們清楚地知道我們實際上能夠控制什么——因此也知道我們對什么負有責任——我們就能夠盡可能有效地安排我們的努力方向和資源。

0

In short, because you can’t directly control how someone feels, you’re not responsible for it.

簡而言之，因為你不能直接控制別人的感受，所以你不需要對此負責。

0

So much unnecessary struggle, conflict, and wasted energy comes from a fundamental misunderstandingabout what’s really under our control.

這么多不必要的掙扎、沖突和浪費的精力都源于對“什么是我們真正能控制的”的根本性誤解。

0

On the other hand, it’s amazing how much genuinely helpful energy gets freed up when you remove the burden of excess responsibility from yourself.

另一方面，當你從自己身上卸下過多的責任時，你會驚奇地發(fā)現(xiàn)自己釋放出了多少真正有益的能量。

0

When you stop expecting to be able to make someone feel Better, you can start taking real steps to connect with them in a heartfelt way and become genuinely supportive.

當你不再期待能夠讓別人感覺更好時，你可以開始采取真正的步驟，以衷心的方式與他們產生聯(lián)系，并真誠地支持他們。

0

All You Need to Know

你需要知道的是：

0

Bad moods and painful emotions are hard to handle — both in ourselves and also in the people we work and live with. While it’s not possible to “fix” another person’s emotional struggles, there are a handful of practical skills you can learn to help you be more genuinely supportive and helpful in the face of other people’s bad moods.

不良的情緒和痛苦的情感是很難處理的——既包括我們自己，也包括與我們一起工作和生活的人。
雖然不可能 "解決 "別人的情緒掙扎，但你可以學習一些實用的技能，幫助你在面對別人的不良情緒時，更加真誠地支持和幫助別人。

0

And even if you fail completely to help the other person — or have no interest in doing so — skills like self-validation and reflective listening will help you stay calm and effective instead of reactive and impulsive in the face of other people’s bad moods.

即使你完全沒有幫助他人，或者沒有興趣幫助他人，自我肯定和反向傾聽等技巧也會幫助你在面對別人的壞心情時保持冷靜和高效，而不是反應過度和沖動。

0

評論翻譯

0

0

Leigh Fisher
Without a doubt, the number one mistake I see people (especially couples) make in their communication with each other is that they get stuck in “Fix-it Mode.”
Your picture of a very irate cat hooked me in and then your solid advice kept me reading. This is absolutely true, people often aren’t looking to have solutions spitballed at them from across the room. They often just want someone to hear them out and sympathize.

“毫無疑問，我看到人們 ( 尤其是夫妻 ) 在交流中犯的第一個錯誤就是他們陷入了“修復模式””
你那張憤怒的貓的照片把我吸引住了，然后你良好建議讓我一直讀了下去，你所說的千真萬確，人們通常不會指望從房間的另一頭唾沫橫飛這種解決方案，他們通常只是希望有人能聽他們說完并同情他們。

0

Ted Andrews
This reminds me of a friend whose wife had a child. He was bummed. I asked why and he replied by saying, “now I have to be mature all the time. My childishness can’t compete with someone who’s a pro at it.”

這讓我想起一個朋友，他老婆有了孩子，他很沮喪，我問他為什么，他回答說: “現(xiàn)在我必須一直保持成熟，顯然我的孩子氣無法與真孩子相比——他才是這方面的“專家””。

0

0

David Matson
Most people struggling emotionally don’t want someone to fix their pain, they went to feel understood.
Nick Wignall, that’s right, I have worked with, and lived with, people who are, and were, highly-emotional; and, they not only want desperately to be understood, but they also want to have someone fix their pain, as well. A mentally, and physically, bracing situation, indeed. Better than electronic entertainment, itself.

“大多數(shù)在情感上掙扎的人不希望別人來解決他們的痛苦，他們需要被感受、被理解?！?br>——沒錯，我曾經和某些非常情緒化的人一起工作，一起生活，他們不僅極度渴望被理解，也希望有人能解決他們的痛苦。?
的確，這是一種精神上和身體上令人振奮的狀態(tài)，比打王者農藥好。

0

0

0

Kyrani Eade
This makes a lot of sense because emotions arise where there are issues. So discovering the issue is important in being able to resolve it. So it is a puzzle and this method is very good. Thanks.

很有道理，因為有問題就會有情緒，所以發(fā)現(xiàn)問題對于解決問題很重要，這是一個難題，但這個方法很好，謝謝。

0

Ledi Imeraj
One of the best summaries I have read on how to deal with people who feel down and in distress. It always goes back to: we are not responsible for how anyone feels. However the way you presented the steps allowed that to sink into my body. Well done!

這是我所讀過的關于如何處理情緒低落和痛苦的人的最好的總結之一，最后它始終都會回到一點：?
我們不對任何人的感受負有責任。?
然而，你介紹這些步驟、方式讓我印象深刻，我記住了，很精彩！