偶爾看到了這篇文章【1】的簡介（就不列舉出處了），覺得很有趣。

真的有這篇文章嗎。

驚嘆這種奇文除了Goggle Scholar的PDF版本，找不到其他的記載。轉載一下看看七十年前的美國人是怎樣自嘲的。

文章由ChatGPT修復（部分用語與PDF版本有出入）和翻譯。（P.S. 轉載就只因被作者的幽默折服了）

HOW NEWTON DISCOVERED THE LAW OF GRAVITATION

JAMES E. MILLER

注意注意：第一篇不是原文，是一篇同人爽文。

重新分了一下段，每段命了一下名。又讓ChatGPT根據(jù)該主題和章節(jié)名稱，重新寫了一篇文章；這個版本真的正派。

所以原文的畫風是什么呢？我只能說，好慘一哥們兒……

近年來，我國科學研究經(jīng)歷了大規(guī)模擴張，在科學領域催生了許多朝氣蓬勃的年輕科研人員，這是聯(lián)邦政府鼓勵和培養(yǎng)的美好成果之一。這些新秀們通常在忙碌的研究中自行摸索，但在政府贊助的復雜環(huán)節(jié)中常常缺乏適當?shù)闹笇?。幸運的是，他們可以從艾薩克·牛頓爵士的故事中找到啟示。牛頓發(fā)展了引力定律，并在由大不列顛聯(lián)合王國政府與英國果農(nóng)聯(lián)合會合作的水果改良項目中擔任蘋果子項目的負責人。

很少有人熟悉牛頓二十年尋找假設證明的細節(jié)：挫折和失敗，對地球半徑的準確測量需求，以及牛頓本人被迫發(fā)明的數(shù)學工具，以及在水果改良項目中展示的出色組織能力。這些細節(jié)來自他的著作《自然哲學的數(shù)學原理》，個人信件，筆記和其他文件，以及通過作者的熟人安排的一系列個人訪談。

1665年，年輕的牛頓成為他的母校劍橋大學的數(shù)學教授。他對工作的熱忱以及作為教師和學生朋友的能力是無可置疑的。值得注意的是，他并非一個遙不可及的理論家，他在學院的貢獻遠遠超出了課堂教學。他積極參與學院課程委員會、年輕貴族基督教協(xié)會學院分會、院長獎學金和獎勵咨詢委員會、紀律委員會、園林委員會、出版委員會、臨時委員會等對于十七世紀學院適當管理至關重要的委員會。對牛頓在這些方面工作的詳盡總結顯示，在五年的時間里，他參加了379個委員會，調(diào)查了7924個校園生活問題，并解決了其中的31個。

牛頓作為一個人類天才，盡管在精力和才能上遠遠超過大多數(shù)人，但最終他發(fā)現(xiàn)自己在能力上存在局限。他為委員會工作奉獻了大量時間，以至于不得不將越來越多的教學任務交給一名學生。他合理地推斷出，用學生代替自己擔任教師將使雙方受益：學生可以通過教學提升自己的知識，而學生的學生們則能從一個年齡和興趣相近的人那里更渴望地學習知識。牛頓并未通過向學生支付報酬來破壞這種理想的安排，這充分展示了他的價值觀和自制力。當他的代理證明了自己作為一名教師的能力時，牛頓將所有的課堂工作都交給了他，從而能夠將自己的力量投入學院的管理工作中。

大約在那個時候，牛頓的頭腦異常活躍，科學問題始終困擾著他。他偶爾思考凱普勒關于行星運動的偉大發(fā)現(xiàn)以及一些天文學家提出的行星間距離與引力成反比關系的假設。在一個繁忙的夜晚，一場原定于十一點的委員會會議被迫取消，因為一位委員因勞累而去世，無法達到法定人數(shù)。牛頓的日程被完美安排，他發(fā)現(xiàn)自己在午夜前沒有事可做。于是，他決定出去散步，這個短暫的漫步改變了世界歷史。

當牛頓漫步在劍橋的夜空中時，他被一道靈感之光觸動，引發(fā)了一系列事件，并在1686年向全世界宣布了引力定律。那天正是秋天，牛頓家附近有許多蘋果樹，樹上結滿成熟的果實。牛頓偶然看到一個多汁的蘋果掉落在地上。他的直覺充滿了人性的一面。他越過花園的圍墻，把蘋果放進口袋，然后再爬回來。一旦遠離花園，他從口袋里拿出蘋果開始咬了起來。然后，靈感涌現(xiàn)。在沒有任何思考或邏輯推理的情況下，他腦海中突然浮現(xiàn)出一個想法：蘋果的下落和行星在軌道上的運動可能受到同一普遍定律的控制。在吃完蘋果并扔掉果核之前，牛頓已經(jīng)構思出了關于普遍引力定律的假設。那時距離午夜還有三分鐘，所以他匆忙趕去參加“打擊貴族學生吸食鴉片委員會”的會議。

牛頓在接下來的幾周里一次又一次地思考著他的假設。他利用委員會休會和召開之間搶來的難得時刻，制定了測試假設的計劃。經(jīng)過幾年的勤奮研究，他最終能夠花費63分鐘28秒的時間來制定這個計劃。他意識到證明自己的假設需要比他余下的生命時間更多的空閑時間。他必須找到準確的地球表面緯度度量，并發(fā)明微積分。

最終，他得出結論，他必須從學院的行政負擔中解脫出來。他知道，只要能夠確保項目在規(guī)定時間內(nèi)完成，并且費用與項目開始時規(guī)定的金額完全相符，就有可能獲得國王對一個有明確目標且有價值的研究項目的支持。盡管在這方面缺乏經(jīng)驗，他采取了一個可贊揚的簡單方法，給查爾斯國王寫了一封只有22個詞的簡短信，概述了他的假設，并指出了它的深遠影響，如果證明正確的話。雖然不清楚國王是否看到了這封信，也許他沒有看到，因為他被國家事務和即將發(fā)生的戰(zhàn)爭計劃所困擾。毫無疑問，這封信通過途徑轉交給了所有相關部門的負責人、助手和助手的助手，他們可能會對其發(fā)表評論或提出建議。

最終，牛頓的信以及隨信附帶的大量評論送達了HMPBRD/CINI/SSNBI——國王研究與開發(fā)計劃委員會、新思想調(diào)查委員會、壓制非英國思想小組的秘書辦公室。秘書立即意識到其重要性，并將其提交給了小組委員會。該委員會投票決定邀請牛頓在新思想調(diào)查委員會面前作證。在做出這個決定之前，對于牛頓的想法是否真正代表英國意圖進行了一些討論，但幾卷四開頁的討論記錄清楚地顯示，沒有人真正懷疑他的觀點。

牛頓在HMPBRD/CINI面前的證詞受到了廣泛的關注，并被推薦給那些想知道他在那個時候表現(xiàn)如何的年輕科學家。他的學院給予他兩個月的無薪休假，研究院長開玩笑地告訴他除非簽下一份豐厚的合同，否則不要回來。委員會的聽證會對公眾開放，吸引了眾多觀眾的參與，盡管有些人可能誤以為這是國王上層階級墮落揭露委員會的地方。

在牛頓宣誓如實陳述并否認自己是國王的反對派成員、曾寫過淫穢書籍、去過俄羅斯或勾引過奶妹后，他被要求概述他的提案。牛頓用簡潔明了的十分鐘即興演講，美麗地解釋了開普勒定律和他自己的假設，這個假設是由于他偶然看到蘋果掉落的情景而提出的。然后，一個委員會成員，一個威風凜凜的人物、一個充滿活力的行動者，問牛頓是否有辦法改良英國種植的蘋果品種。牛頓開始解釋蘋果并不是他假設的必要部分，但是被其他委員會成員打斷，他們一致支持改良蘋果的項目。這個討論持續(xù)了幾個星期，而牛頓則以他的尊嚴坐在那里，等待著委員會需要他提供的意見。然而有一天，他稍微遲到了幾分鐘，發(fā)現(xiàn)門被鎖上了。他輕輕地敲門，不想打擾委員會的討論。門被一個衛(wèi)兵打開，告訴他沒有座位了，讓他離開。牛頓通過邏輯推斷出委員會不再需要他的進一步咨詢，于是立即返回學院繼續(xù)他重要的委員會工作。

幾個月后，牛頓驚訝地收到了一份來自HMPBRD/CINI的大包裹。他打開包裹，發(fā)現(xiàn)里面裝著各種政府表格，每個表格都有五份。作為一個真正的科學家，他天生好奇，于是仔細研究了這些表格。經(jīng)過一段時間的研究，他得出結論，他被邀請?zhí)峤灰粋€關于蘋果品種、品質(zhì)和掉落速度之間關系的研究項目合同競標。他了解到，該項目的最終目標是開發(fā)一種口感好且掉落時輕柔無損的蘋果。

然而，這與牛頓寫信給國王時的初衷并不一樣。他是一個實際的人，意識到在執(zhí)行這個提議的項目時，他可以將自己的假設作為一種副產(chǎn)品進行測試。因此，在這個過程中，他既可以促進國王的利益，又可以為科學做出貢獻。

牛頓毫不猶豫地開始填寫相關表格。其中一個問卷詢問了項目撥款的使用方式。牛頓有些吃驚地發(fā)現(xiàn)當前財政年度園藝發(fā)展基金中剩余的￡12,750 6s. 3d. 被估計為他的項目的總成本。他按部就班地記錄了自己的薪酬，并在思考片刻后，添加了一項：“其他工資、差旅、用品和日常費用：￡12,750 0e. Od.”

作為一個真正信奉正確行政程序的人，牛頓將填好的表格通過特派信使送給了研究院長，以便透過適當?shù)那纻鬟f給HMPBRD/CINI。幾天后，他的遵循既定程序得到回應，研究院長召喚他并概述了一個更廣泛、更宏大的新計劃。院長指出，除了蘋果，還有櫻桃、橙子、檸檬和酸橙等水果都會從樹上掉落。因此，他們可以爭取一個真正的政府合同，涵蓋所有生長在地面上的水果品種。

牛頓開始解釋關于蘋果的誤解，但他決定停下來，不打斷院長的發(fā)言。院長正在概述他計劃組織的一系列會議，參與人員包括果農(nóng)和各個部門的代表。院長說話時，他的目光開始呆滯，完全沒有意識到房間里還有其他人。牛頓當時有一個重要的委員會會議，所以他悄悄地離開了房間，將研究院長留在了他的計劃狂熱中。

隨著季節(jié)的更迭，牛頓以各個委員會的成員和一些委員會的主席的身份，過著忙碌而有意義的生活。在一個寒冷的冬日，他再次被召到研究院長的辦公室。院長洋洋得意地向牛頓解釋說，他們獲得了一項新合同，旨在研究地上所有果樹品種的品種、質(zhì)量和摔落速度之間的關系。該項目得到了政府的五個不同部門以及七家大型果農(nóng)的支持。雖然牛頓在項目中的角色不算太大，但卻非常重要：他將負責指導蘋果的子項目。

接下來的幾周對牛頓來說非常繁忙。雖然他暫時從委員會工作中解脫出來，但他發(fā)現(xiàn)自己陷入了一片行政問題的泥潭中。他不得不為政府部門、果農(nóng)、研究院長、副研究院長和學院財務辦公室填寫表格。他不得不進行面試，并雇傭研究助手，并與校園其他項目協(xié)商辦公室和實驗室空間。牛頓在子項目的初期階段展現(xiàn)了他非凡的能力。他親自填寫了大量的表格，經(jīng)常是五份或六份的副本。他面試了306名牛奶女工，并雇傭了其中的110人作為技術助手。他清理了附近一座廢棄的城堡的地牢，作為子項目的總部，并親自建造了十二座臨時建筑，用來容納他的工作人員。這些建筑現(xiàn)在被用作教室，見證著牛頓事業(yè)的發(fā)展。

子項目迅速建立、記錄和組織起來。盡管牛頓不確定他的轉行牛奶女工能為他的假設做出什么貢獻，但他相信讓員工保持忙碌的重要性。他將他們分成六個小組，每個小組負責測量和記錄一種特定蘋果品種的下落速度。為確保統(tǒng)計結果的顯著性，他們使用了足夠數(shù)量的蘋果。一切進展順利，只有紅汁蘋果小組發(fā)現(xiàn)了一種制作蘋果杰克的新方法，結果蘋果用得不夠了。牛頓記下了他們的配方，并意識到在科學發(fā)現(xiàn)中，偶然性的好處——在尋找其他事物時發(fā)現(xiàn)好東西。

在他生活的這個階段，牛頓找到了幸福和繁榮。從早上醒來到深夜，他筋疲力盡地工作，將白天的時間投入到諸如填寫牛奶女工的工資單、訂購物品、回答財務辦公室的詢問以及向嘉賓和研究院院長介紹子項目的參觀等任務中。他經(jīng)常與來自五個政府部門和七個水果種植者的代表進行關于項目過去、現(xiàn)在和未來工作的討論，他們被派來評估他的進展。他經(jīng)常被邀請親自在這十二個贊助商的中央辦公室匯報進展情況。此外，他每周寫一份全面的進展報告，通過特派信使復制并發(fā)送給英國范圍內(nèi)由國王陛下政府贊助的其他3388個項目。

威爾士西部園藝協(xié)會博物館（位于默瑟泰菲爾村）中保存著一份非常卓越且保存完好的報告。這份報告裝訂在一本深紅色的硬封面中，封面上鑲嵌著用金箔印刷的項目編號HM2wr3801-g-(293)。報告的目錄簡潔明了，包括以下部分：

• Administration

• Conferences

• Correspondence

• Supplies

• Results of research
  

盡管最后一個部分"研究結果"可能已經(jīng)遺失多年，或者在當時與國王陛下政府的合同條款中沒有明確要求，但其他部分仍然存在，并且能夠給閱讀它們的人帶來歡樂。希望這份報告能夠出版，并在我們美國的年輕科學家中傳播。這樣的出版物對于我們新興的天才們的士氣和靈感可能會產(chǎn)生奇跡般的作用。

1685年的某一天，牛頓原本安排了一個周二下午來接待果樹種植聯(lián)合會的副總裁委員會，但他的日程被一場可怕的車禍打亂了，整個委員會在一起的三節(jié)車廂相撞事故中全部罹難。這一消息令牛頓感到恐懼，也給整個英國帶來了悲痛。他陷入了停頓。在散步時，他經(jīng)過葡萄子項目的葡萄園，但要通過大門前必須獲得安全許可。就在這段散步中，一個新的、革命性的數(shù)學方法突然浮現(xiàn)在他腦海中（他后來寫道：“這個想法突然涌現(xiàn)在我腦海中”）。這個方法可以用來解決大球附近的引力問題，牛頓意識到這提供了對他假設的嚴格檢驗。他深知，無需用紙筆向自己證明，這個解決方案完全支持他的假設。這一偉大發(fā)現(xiàn)讓他興奮不已，但他也保持了謙遜，他跪下向國王表示感謝，因為正是國王的支持使這一發(fā)現(xiàn)成為可能。

回程途中，牛頓短暫停在一家書店，不小心將一本書摔到地上。他向店主道歉，店主似乎準備趕他出去，牛頓撿起書并拂去灰塵。這本書竟然是諾伍德的《海員實踐》，日期是1636年。他隨意翻開書，找到了他需要用于完整測試自己假設的緯度度數(shù)的確切信息。幾乎瞬間，他的大腦進行了閃電般的計算，呈現(xiàn)出結果供檢查。證明是完整而無可辯駁的。牛頓瞥了一眼店主窗戶上的沙漏，意識到他應該回到地牢為一天結束簽署牛奶女工的時間記錄。他急忙帶著書匆匆離開書店，卻忘記在他的激情中沒有付錢。

因此，在牛頓艱難測試他的假設的歲月里，英國政府給予了他支持和鼓勵。我們不詳述牛頓努力發(fā)表他的證明的細節(jié)，包括與園藝雜志編輯的誤解，以及《后院天文學家》和《家庭主婦物理學》的拒絕。牛頓創(chuàng)辦了自己的期刊，確保他的證明能夠被原樣發(fā)表。不幸的是，他給期刊取名為《星球》，這讓他被貼上顛覆者的標簽，因為“星球”可以被解讀為“紅星”和“計劃”（Plan-It）。牛頓隨后在反對非英國思想的小組委員會面前作證，這是對他作為一個天才所具備的非凡品質(zhì)的強有力證明。最終，他得到了平反，享受了多年應得的聲譽，包括每年一天作為蘋果節(jié)的國王。牛頓在幸福中離世。

A tremendous increase in the number of vigorous young workers in the scientific vineyard has been one of the happiest results of the recent expansion, encouraged and nourished by our Federal Government, of scientific research in this country. These neophytes, left to their own devices by harassed research directors, have often found themselves without adequate guidance through the intricacies of governmental sponsorship. Fortunately, they can find inspiration in the story of Sir Isaac Newton, his development of the law of gravitation, and his experiences as director of the Subproject for Apples of the Fruit Improvement Project, sponsored by His Majesty's Government of Great Britain in cooperation with a syndicate of British fruit-growers.

Few are familiar with the details of Newton's twenty-year search for a proof of his hypothesis: the frustrations and failures, the need for accurate measurements of the earth's radius, and for a mathematical tool that Newton himself was forced to invent, and the integration of his scattered efforts by the splendid organization of the Fruit-Improvement Project. These details have been collected from his Principia, personal letters, notebooks, and other papers, and a series of personal interviews arranged by medium of the author's acquaintance.

In 1665, the young Newton became a professor of mathematics in the University of Cambridge, his alma mater. His devotion to his work and his capabilities as a teacher and friend of the student may be assumed without question. It is well to point out also that he was no dreamy, impractical inhabitant of an ivory tower. His services to his college went far beyond the mere act of classroom teaching. He was an able and active member of the college's curriculum committee, the board of the college branch of the Young Noblemen's Christian Association, the dean's advisory committee on scholarships and awards, the committee for discipline, the grounds committee, the publications committee, the ad hoc committee, and numerous other committees essential to the proper administration of a college in the seventeenth century. An exhaustive compilation of Newton's work along these lines reveals that, during a five-year period, he served on 379 committees, which investigated an aggregate of 7924 problems of campus life and solved 31 of them.

Newton the genius was yet a human being; and though, in energy and ability, he far surpassed the great majority of his fellow men, he found himself ultimately limited in his powers. His unselfish devotion to the important work of his committees absorbed so much time that he was constrained to turn more and more of his teaching duties over to one of his students. He reasoned, quite correctly, that the substitution of a student as a teacher in his place would benefit both the student and the student's students: the former because, in teaching, his own knowledge would be enhanced; and the latter because, in being taught by one near to them in age and interests, they would more eagerly grasp at the scraps of knowledge that came their way. Newton, whose stipend was small, did not spoil this idyllic arrangement by offering pay to his student substitute: a prime example of his sense of values and his restraint. Eventually, when his substitute had proved his ability as a teacher, Newton turned all of the classroom work over to him and was thus able to channel all his tremendous powers into the administrative work of the college.

At about this time, Newton, whose mind was too active ever to let scientific problems recede from his attention, occasionally mulled over the great discoveries of Kepler on planetary motions and the hypothesis advanced by a number of astronomers that these motions were governed by an attraction that varied inversely as the square of the distance between planets. One evening of a crowded day in the year 1680, a committee that was scheduled to meet at eleven o'clock, no earlier time being available, was unable to muster a quorum because of the sudden death from exhaustion of one of the older committee members. Every waking moment of Newton's time was so carefully budgeted that he found himself with nothing to do until the next committee meeting at midnight. So he took a walk—a brief stroll that altered the history of the world.

It was on this excursion into the night air of Cambridge that Newton was struck by a flash of insight which set off a chain of events culminating in his announcement of the law of gravitation to the world in 1686. The season was autumn. Many of the good citizens in the neighborhood of the modest Newton home had apple trees growing in their gardens, and the trees were laden with ripe fruit ready for the picking. Newton chanced to see a particularly succulent apple fall to the ground. His immediate reaction was typical of the human side of this great genius. He climbed over the garden wall, slipped the apple into his pocket, and climbed out again. As soon as he had passed well beyond that particular garden, he removed the apple from his pocket and began munching it. Then came inspiration. Without the prelude of conscious thought or logical process of reasoning, there was suddenly formed in his brain the idea that the falling of an apple and the motions of planets in their orbits may be governed by the same universal law. Before he had finished eating the apple and discarded the core, Newton had formulated his hypothesis of the universal law of gravitation. By then it was three minutes before midnight, so he hurried off to the meeting of the Committee to Combat Opium Eating Among Students Without Nobility.

In the following weeks, Newton's thoughts turned again and again to his hypothesis. Rare moments snatched between the adjournment of one committee and the call to order of another were filled with the formulation of plans for testing the hypothesis. Eventually, after several years during which, according to evidence revealed by diligent research, he was able to spend 63 minutes and 28 seconds on his plans, Newton realized that the proof of his hypothesis would take more spare time than might become available during the rest of his life. He had to find accurate measurements of a degree of latitude on the earth's surface, and he had to invent the calculus.

Finally, he concluded that he must find some relief from his collegiate administrative burdens. He knew that it was possible to get the King's support for a worthy research project with definite aims, provided a guarantee could be made that the project would be concluded in a definite time at a cost exactly equal to the amount stipulated when the project was undertaken. Lacking experience in these matters, he adopted a commendably simple approach and wrote a short letter of 22 words to King Charles, outlining his hypothesis and pointing out its far-reaching implications if it should prove to be correct. It is not known whether the King ever saw this letter, and he may not have, being overwhelmed with problems of state and plans for pending wars. There is no doubt that the letter was forwarded, through channels, to all heads of departments, their assistants, and their assistants' assistants, who might have reason to make comments or recommendations.

Eventually, Newton's letter and the bulky file of comments it had gathered on its travels reached the office of the secretary of HMPBRD/CINI/SSNBI—His Majesty's Planning Board for Research and Development, Committee for Investigation of New Ideas, Subcommittee for Suppression of Non-British Ideas. The secretary immediately recognized its importance and brought it before the subcommittee, which voted to ask Newton to testify before the Committee for Investigation of New Ideas. Some discussion of Newton's idea—as to whether it could really be called British in intent—preceded this decision, but the transcript of the discussion, filling several quarto volumes, clearly shows that no real suspicion ever fell upon him.

Newton's testimony before HMPBRD/CINI is recommended to all young scientists who may wonder how they will comport themselves when the time comes. His college considerately granted him two months' leave without pay while he was before the committee, and the Dean of Research sent him off with a joking admonition not to come back without a fat contract. The committee hearing was open to the public and was well attended, though it has been suggested that many of the audience had mistaken the hearing room of HMPBRD/CINI for that of HMCEVAUC—His Majesty's Committee for the Exposure of Vice Among the Upper Classes.

After Newton was sworn to tell the truth and had denied that he was a member of His Majesty's Loyal Opposition, had ever written any lewd books, had traveled in Russia, or had seduced any milkmaids, he was asked to outline his proposal. In a beautifully simple and crystal-clear ten-minute speech, delivered extemporaneously, Newton explained Kepler's laws and his own hypothesis, suggested by the chance sight of an apple's fall. At this point, one of the committee members, an imposing fellow, a dynamic man of action, demanded to know if Newton had a means of improving the breed of apples grown in England. Newton began to explain that the apple was not an essential part of his hypothesis, but he was interrupted by a number of committee members, all speaking at once in favor of a project to improve apples. This discussion continued for several weeks, while Newton sat in characteristic dignity, waiting until the committee wished to consult him. One day he arrived a few minutes late and found the door locked. He knocked circumspectly, not wishing to disturb the committee's deliberations. The door was opened by a guard who told him there was no more room and sent him away. Newton, with his logical way of reasoning, deduced that the committee did not wish to consult him further, and forthwith he returned to his college and his important committee work.

Several months later, Newton was surprised to receive a bulky package from HMPBRD/CINI. He opened the package and found it contained a variety of governmental forms, each in quintuplicate. His natural curiosity, the main attribute of a true scientist, provoked him into a careful study of the forms. After some time, he concluded that he was being invited to submit a bid for a contract for a research project on the relationship between breed, quality, and the rate of fall of apples. The ultimate purpose of the project, he read, was to develop an apple that not only tasted good but also fell so gently that it was not bruised by striking the ground.

Now, this was not what Newton had in mind when he had written his letter to the King. However, he was a practical man and realized that in carrying out the proposed project, he could test his hypothesis as a sort of side-line or by-product. Thus, he could promote the interests of the King and contribute to science in the process.

Having made his decision, Newton began filling out the forms without hesitation. One of the questionnaires asked how the funds allotted for the project were to be spent. Newton was somewhat taken aback to read that ￡12,750 6s. 3d., the surplus remaining in the horticultural development fund for the current fiscal year, had been estimated as the total cost of his project. Methodically, he put down his own stipend first, and after a moment's thought, he added the item: "Other salaries, travel, supplies, and overhead: ￡12,750 0e. Od."

A true believer in correct administrative procedures, Newton sent the completed forms by a special messenger to the Dean of Research, for transmittal through proper channels to HMPBRD/CINI. His adherence to established procedure was rewarded a few days later when the Dean of Research summoned him and outlined a new plan, broader in scope and more sweeping in its conception. The Dean pointed out that not only apples but also cherries, oranges, lemons, and limes fell to the earth, and they might as well obtain a real, government contract to cover all the varieties of fruit that grow above the ground.

Newton started to explain the misunderstanding about the apples but stopped rather than interrupt the Dean, who was outlining a series of conferences he proposed to organize among fruit-growers and representatives of various departments of His Majesty's Government. The Dean's eyes began to glaze as he talked, and he became unaware that anybody else was in the room. Newton had an important committee meeting at that time, so he quietly went out the door, leaving the Dean of Research in an ecstasy of planning.

As the seasons passed, Newton led a busy and useful life as a member of various committees and chairman of some. On a dark winter's day, he was called once again to the office of the Dean of Research. The Dean was beaming with pride as he explained to Newton about the new contract obtained to study the relationship between breed, quality, and the rate of fall of all varieties of fruit that grow above the ground. The project had the support of five different branches of the government and a syndicate of seven large fruit-growers. Newton's role in the project was small but important: he was to direct the Subproject for Apples.

The following weeks were filled with busyness for Newton. While relieved from his committee work, he found himself immersed in a swamp of administrative problems. He had to fill out forms for the governmental departments, fruit-growers, the Dean of Research, the Assistant Dean of Research, and the college's financial office. He had to interview and hire research assistants, and negotiate office and laboratory space from other projects on the campus. Newton's remarkable abilities were fully demonstrated as he navigated his subproject through its initial stages. He personally filled out a staggering number of forms, often in quintuplicate and sextuplicate. He interviewed 306 milkmaids and hired 110 of them as technical assistants. He cleaned out an abandoned dungeon in a nearby castle to serve as subproject headquarters and even built twelve temporary buildings with his own hands to accommodate his staff. These buildings, now used as classrooms, stand as a testament to Newton's career.

Soon, the subproject was fully established, documented, and organized. Although Newton was unsure of what his reconverted milkmaids could contribute to his hypothesis, he believed in keeping his staff busy. He divided them into six teams, each responsible for measuring and tabulating the rate of fall of a specific apple variety. They used enough apples to ensure statistically significant results. Everything progressed smoothly, except for the winesap team, who discovered a new method for making applejack and consequently ran short of apples. Newton made note of their recipe, recognizing the advantages of serendipity in scientific discovery, the finding of good things while searching for other things.

During this period of his life, Newton found happiness and prosperity. From the moment he woke up in the morning until late at night, exhausted from honest labor, he devoted his days to tasks such as filling out payroll forms for his milkmaids, ordering supplies, answering financial office inquiries, and giving tours of his subproject to distinguished visitors and the Dean of Research. He often engaged in discussions about the past, present, and future work of his project with representatives from the five governmental departments and seven fruit-growers who were sent to assess his progress. He was frequently invited to personally present progress reports at the central offices of these twelve sponsors. Additionally, he wrote a comprehensive progress report each week, which was duplicated and sent by a special messenger to 3,388 other projects sponsored by His Majesty's Government throughout the British Isles.

One of these remarkable reports, remarkably well-preserved, can be found in the Museum of the Horticultural Society of Western Wales, in the village of Merthyr Tydfil. Bound in a dark red stiff cover adorned with the project number, HM2wr3801-g-(293), stamped in gold leaf, the report begins with a concise table of contents:

• Administration

• Conferences

• Correspondence

• Supplies

• Results of research

The last section, "Results of research," may have been lost over the years or may not have been specifically required under the terms of the contracts with His Majesty's Government at that time. Nonetheless, the other sections remain to bring joy to those privileged enough to read them. It is not too much to hope that this report can be published and distributed among our young scientists in America. Such a publication could work wonders for the morale and inspiration of our emerging geniuses.

One day in 1685, Newton's precise schedule was interrupted, through no fault of his own, as he had set aside a Tuesday afternoon to receive a committee of vice-presidents of the fruit-growing syndicate. Much to his horror and Britain's deep sorrow, the news spread that the whole committee had been destroyed in a three-stage coach smashup. Once again, Newton found himself at a hiatus. He took a leisurely walk through the luscious vineyards of the Subproject on Grapes, but not before obtaining security clearance at the gate. While on this walk, a new and revolutionary mathematical approach came to him, seemingly out of nowhere ("Ye thought just burst upon me," he later wrote). This approach could be used to solve the problem of attraction in the neighborhood of a large sphere, and Newton realized that it provided a stringent test of his hypothesis. Moreover, he knew, without needing pen and paper to demonstrate it to himself, that the solution fully supported his hypothesis. We can imagine his elation at this brilliant discovery, but we must not overlook his essential humility, which led him to kneel and offer thanks to the King for making the discovery possible.?

On his way back from the walk, Newton briefly stopped at a bookstore where he accidentally knocked a book to the floor. Apologizing to the proprietor, who seemed ready to throw him out, Newton picked up the book and dusted it off. The book turned out to be Norwood's Sea-Mans Practice, dated 1636. Opening it randomly, Newton found the exact information on the length of a latitude degree that he needed for the complete test of his hypothesis. Almost instantaneously, his brain performed lightning calculations, presenting the result for examination. The proof was complete and irrefutable. Glancing at the hourglass in the shopkeeper's window, Newton realized that he was due back at the dungeon to sign the milkmaids' time slips as they checked out for the day. Hurrying out of the bookshop with the book under his arm, he forgot in his zeal that he had not paid for it.

Thus, His Majesty's Government supported and encouraged Newton during the challenging years when he was testing his hypothesis. We won't dwell on the details of Newton's efforts to publish his proof, including the misunderstandings with the editor of the Horticultural Journal, the rejections from The Backyard Astronomer and Physics for the Housewife. It is enough to say that Newton established his own journal to ensure that his proof would be published without any invalidating alterations. Unfortunately, he named it Star and Planet, which led to him being labeled as a subversive, as Star could be interpreted as Red Star and Planet as Plan-It. Newton's subsequent testimony before the Subcommittee for Suppression of Non-British Ideas stands as a compelling demonstration of the remarkable qualities that made him a genius. Eventually, he was vindicated, and after enjoying many years of well-deserved fame, including reigning as King of the Apple Festival for a day each year, Newton passed away happily.

1. https://www.jstor.org/stable/27826356