《我自殺之后的早上 》 梅吉·羅耶
我自殺之后的早上
梅吉·羅耶
我自殺之后的早上，我戀愛了。我愛的不是街上的某個(gè)男孩或者中學(xué)校長(zhǎng)，不是每天慢跑的那個(gè)人，或者把牛油果留在袋子外面的雜貨商。我愛上了我的媽媽，她坐在我房間的地板上，把我收藏的巖石握在手里，直到汗水讓它們變成深色。我愛上了我的爸爸，他在河邊把我以前寫的字條裝進(jìn)瓶子，然后讓它們隨著水流飄走。我愛上了我的弟弟，他以前相信獨(dú)角獸真實(shí)存在，但他現(xiàn)在坐在學(xué)校的課桌前，拼命讓自己相信我還活著。
我自殺之后的早上，我跟著狗狗去散步。她看見一只鳥就使勁兒搖尾巴，看見一只貓就沖過去。她找到一根棍子，轉(zhuǎn)身想讓我跟她一起玩。當(dāng)她朝我往常所在的方向望去，卻只看到一片天空，我看到了她空落落的眼神。陌生人撫摸它的鼻子，她就低下頭，跟我以前摸她的時(shí)候一樣。
我自殺之后的早上，我去了以前鄰居家的院子。兩歲的時(shí)候我在水泥地上留下過腳印，我想看看它們磨損成了什么樣子。我摘了幾朵花，拔了幾棵草，透過窗戶里看見那個(gè)老太太從報(bào)紙上讀到我的死訊。我看見她老伴往廚房水池里吐煙草，把她每天的藥拿給她。
我自殺之后的早上，我注視著太陽升起。每一棵染成橘色的樹像手掌一樣舒展，街上一個(gè)孩子指著一片落單的小紅云，讓他的媽媽看。
我自殺之后的早上，我去停尸房找到自己的尸體，想對(duì)她說教一番。我給她講那些牛油果、踏腳石、河流，還有她的父母。我給她講日落、狗狗的事，還有沙灘。
我自殺之后的早上，我努力地想讓自己變回去，但我做不到。
（The End）
The Morning After I Killed Myself?
Meggie Royer?
The morning after I killed myself, I fell in love. Not with the boy down the street or the middle school principal. Not with the everyday jogger or the grocer who always left the avocados out of the bag. I fell in love with my mother and the way she sat on the floor of my room holding each rock from my collection in her palms until they grew dark with sweat. I fell in love with my father down at the river as he placed my note into a bottle and sent it into the current. With my brother who once believed in unicorns but who now sat in his desk at school trying desperately to believe I still existed.?
The morning after I killed myself, I walked the dog. I watched the way her tail twitched when a bird flew by or how her pace quickened at the sight of a cat. I saw the empty space in her eyes when she reached a stick and turned around to greet me so we could play catch but saw nothing but sky in my place. I stood by as strangers stroked her muzzle and she wilted beneath their touch like she did once for mine.?
?The morning after I killed myself, I went back to the neighbors’ yard where I left my footprints in concrete as a two year old and examined how they were already fading. I picked a few daylilies and pulled a few weeds and watched the elderly woman through her window as she read the paper with the news of my death. I saw her husband spit tobacco into the kitchen sink and bring her her daily medication.?
The morning after I killed myself, I watched the sun come up. Each orange tree opened like a hand and the kid down the street pointed out a single red cloud to his mother.?
The morning after I killed myself, I went back to that body in the morgue and tried to talk some sense into her. I told her about the avocados and the stepping stones, the river and her parents. I told her about the sunsets and the dog and the beach.?
The morning after I killed myself, I tried to unkill myself, but couldn’t finish what I started.
作者臉書https://www.facebook.com/MeggieRoyerPoetry/
P.S. 作者是個(gè)94年的小姐姐
