中英文稿

我們?yōu)楹纬鲕墸?為何幸福之人也會出軌？?我們所謂的“不忠”到底指的是什么？?是一夜情？愛情故事？ 有償性服務？私聊？?還是特殊按摩服務？?為什么我們認為男人出軌 是因為尋求刺激或是害怕親密關(guān)系，?而女人出軌是因為孤獨 或是渴求親密關(guān)系？?婚外情是不是意味著婚姻已走到盡頭？

在過去十年間，我走遍世界?走訪了數(shù)百對夫妻，?他們都因出軌而心力交瘁。?婚外情毫無疑問是一種越軌行為，?它離間夫妻關(guān)系，?破壞家庭幸福，衍生信任危機。?然而，我們對這一普遍現(xiàn)象的 理解卻極其有限。?因此我將這次演講 獻給所有經(jīng)歷過愛情的人。

婚外情自婚姻誕生之日起就存在了，?我們對婚外情的反對亦是如此。?實際上，婚外情比婚姻頑強多了， 婚姻只有嫉妒的份兒，?以至于它成為了圣經(jīng)的戒律，?并且重復出現(xiàn)兩次：?一次是不準做， 另一次是連想都不準想。?（笑聲）?那我們究竟如何處理出軌，?這一屢禁不止的現(xiàn)象呢？

自古以來，男人出軌是被允許的，?幾乎不用承擔什么后果，?甚至還有生物理論和進化理論?來為他們撐腰，?這一雙重標準自婚外情 誕生之日起就存在了。?但在床上到底發(fā)生了什么， 其實誰也不清楚，對吧？?因為一談到性，?男人可以夸夸奇談，自吹自擂，?而女人卻要遮遮掩掩。?難以置信的是， 如今仍有9個國家的女性?會因出軌而被處死。

一夫一妻制， 曾經(jīng)指的是“一輩子一個”，?而現(xiàn)在指的是“每次一個”。?（笑聲）?（掌聲）

我想，在座有很多人可能說過，?“我在每段關(guān)系里都遵守一夫一妻制”。?（笑聲）

過去我們先結(jié)婚，?再初嘗禁果。?而現(xiàn)在，我們先結(jié)婚，?然后停止與別人發(fā)生關(guān)系。?實際上一夫一妻制已經(jīng)與愛情無關(guān)。?男人根據(jù)女人是否忠誠，?來判斷孩子是不是自己的，?進而決定遺產(chǎn)歸誰。

大家都想知道，?出軌的人到底占多少百分比。?從我到達現(xiàn)場， 就不停有人問這個問題。?（笑聲）?這跟你們也有關(guān)系。?因為出軌的含義在不斷擴大：?發(fā)色情短信，看黃片， 在約會軟件上玩曖昧。?正因為缺乏一個統(tǒng)一的定義，?到底什么才算出軌，?因此這個百分比范圍很廣， 從26%到75%。?但與此相矛盾的是，?有95%的人認為， 另一半試圖掩蓋?出軌的事實是不可饒恕的，?但差不多同樣多的人也會說：?如果我出軌的話肯定也不會聲張。?（笑聲）

我傾向于這樣來定義婚外情，?它包含三個要素：?首先是遮遮掩掩的關(guān)系， 這是婚外情的核心；?二是擁有某種程度上的感情聯(lián)系；?三是性幻想。?性吸引是這里的關(guān)鍵詞，?對于性高潮而言，即便是想象出來的親吻，?也和數(shù)小時的翻云覆雨，?擁有同樣的魔力。?如馬塞爾·普魯斯特所言，?“我們的愛源自想象，而非源自對方?！?/span>

因此出軌是很容易的，?但保守出軌的秘密卻難上加難。?因為（出軌者）要承受巨大的心理壓力。?如果婚姻是一家企業(yè)，?那婚外情威脅它的經(jīng)濟安全。?如果婚姻是一種浪漫協(xié)議，?那婚外情威脅我們的情感安全。?諷刺的是，我們曾經(jīng)對婚外情充滿幻想，?認為它是孕育真愛之地。?而現(xiàn)在我們從婚姻中尋找愛情，?而婚外情則將其摧毀。

我認為，如今的婚外情有三大罪狀。?我們浪漫地認為，會有那么一個人，?能滿足我們所有的需求：?是我最棒的情人，最好的朋友，?最好的父母，最信任的知己，?是情感伴侶，又志趣相投。?而我自己則符合上述所有條件： 我萬里挑一，我獨一無二，?我不可或缺，我無法取代，?我就是真命天子（女）。?但婚外情告訴我，并不是那么回事。?這是一種終極背叛。?出軌粉碎了我們對愛情的憧憬。?如果回顧歷史， 婚外情從來都是充滿痛苦的，?而在今天更是有過之而不及，?因為它威脅了我們的自我意識。

我的一個病人費爾南多，就深受其害。?他說：“我曾以為我了解自己的生活，?我曾以為我了解你， 了解我們的婚姻，了解我自己。?但現(xiàn)在，我對這一切都產(chǎn)生了懷疑?！?婚外情是對信任的踐踏， 對自我認同的摧毀。?“我還能再相信你嗎？”他問。?“我還能相信任何人嗎？”

我的另一個病人希瑟也有這種想法，?她跟我講了她和尼克的故事。?他們結(jié)婚了，有兩個孩子。?尼克出差剛走，?希瑟和孩子一起在玩尼克的iPad，?然后屏幕上出現(xiàn)了一條信息：?“我等不及想見你?！?真奇怪，希瑟想，我們不是剛見過嗎？?然后又來了一條：?“真想馬上擁抱你?！?這時希瑟意識到，?這些信息不是發(fā)給自己的。?希瑟說他父親也有婚外情，?但她母親只是在口袋里 發(fā)現(xiàn)了一張收據(jù)，?在領(lǐng)子上發(fā)現(xiàn)了一點口紅印。?希瑟繼續(xù)翻看著，?發(fā)現(xiàn)了上百條信息，?里面有互換的照片， 以及各種互訴衷腸。?尼克出軌兩年的確鑿證據(jù)?在她面前赤裸裸地呈現(xiàn)出來。?我不禁在想：?數(shù)字時代的出軌真是能讓人 感到被千刀萬剮，生不如死。

但是我們又發(fā)現(xiàn)了另外一個矛盾。?因為前面說到的浪漫遐想，?我們極度依賴自己伴侶的忠誠。?但同時，我們比以前也更容易出軌，?并不是因為我們有了新的欲望，?而是我們現(xiàn)在所處的時代，?讓我們覺得有權(quán)利去追求自己的欲望，?這就是我們的文化特點：我有權(quán)快樂。?如果過去離婚是因為我們不快樂，?那現(xiàn)在離婚是因為我們可以更快樂。?如果在過去，離婚是不光彩的，?那今天，能離婚而不離婚，?才是不光彩。?所以希瑟，不敢告訴自己的朋友，?她害怕朋友們責怪她還愛著尼克，?無論她找誰傾訴，大家都勸她：?離開他吧，大家各走各路。?如果出軌的是希瑟， 相信尼克的處境也會一樣。?維持婚姻成了不光彩的事。

那如果我們能離婚，?那為什么還要出軌呢？?一種典型的觀點是，如果你出軌，?要么是婚姻出了毛病， 要么是你自己出了毛病。?但是不可能成千上萬的人 全都有毛病吧。?這一觀點的邏輯是這樣的： 如果你的家庭完美無缺，?那就沒必要出軌了，?假設完美婚姻確實存在，?能治好我們愛出軌的毛病。?但如果激情無法持久呢？?如果有些東西， 即使在完美的婚姻中，?也無法找到呢？?如果幸福的人也出軌呢？?這又是怎么回事？

我接觸和研究過的絕大多數(shù)人，?并不全都是積習難改的好色之徒。?從觀念上，他們通常贊同一夫一妻制，?至少對自己的另一半是如此。?但他們往往處于一種矛盾之中，?就是觀念和做法不一樣。?他們通常忠誠了幾十年，?但突然有天就跨過了紅線，?冒著失去一切的風險，?這在之前他們連想都不敢想。?但換來的是什么呢？?婚外情是一種背叛行為，?同時也是對于渴望和失去的一種表達。?透過出軌的表象，我們經(jīng)常能看到?一種尋求情感聯(lián)系的渴望，?追求新奇、自由、自立和性快感，?渴望找回失去的自我，?或者是試圖走出失意和悲傷。

我想起了我的另一個病人，普莉婭，?她婚姻美滿，?深愛著自己的丈夫，?從未想過要傷害他。?但她跟我說，?她總是在扮演別人期望的那個角色：?好女孩，好妻子，好母親，?照顧自己移民過來的父母。?但在桑迪颶風來襲之后， 普莉婭愛上了那個幫她清理院子中?殘破樹木的工人。?他開著卡車，紋著紋身， 跟她完全是兩個世界的人。?盡管出軌時已經(jīng)47歲， 但普莉婭找回了從未有過的青春。?她的故事告訴我， 當我們尋找情人的時候，?并不一定是想逃離現(xiàn)在的伴侶，?而是想逃離那個曾經(jīng)的自己。?與其說我們在尋找那么一個人，?不如說我們在尋找另一個自己。

我走遍世界，?遇到很多有婚外情的人， 他們總是跟我說一個詞，?他們覺得自己“活著”。?緊接著他們會告訴我， 自己最近失去了什么人。?比如父母去世，?朋友出了意外，?誰查出來得了絕癥。?婚外情常常同死亡 和人生苦短聯(lián)系在一起，?因為他們經(jīng)常會問，?就這樣了嗎？會不會還有其他人出現(xiàn)？?我是不是還要這么過25年？?我還能不能感受到愛？?這不禁讓我思考， 也許正是這些問題，?推動他們跨過了紅線，?有些人想通過婚外情來重拾信心，?對抗情感的死亡。

可能與你們想的恰恰相反，?婚外情跟性的關(guān)系更小， 卻與渴望密切相關(guān)：?渴望被關(guān)注，渴望重拾信心，?渴望被人需要。?婚外情的顯著特點，?就是你無法完全擁有你的情人，?這讓你欲罷不能。?就像有一臺欲望機器在不斷驅(qū)動你，?種種不完整，種種曖昧不清，?讓你對得不到的東西念念不忘。

你們中一些人可能會想，?是不是在開放的關(guān)系中 婚外情就不會發(fā)生了，?并不是這樣。?首先，關(guān)于一夫一妻制的討論，?與關(guān)于不忠的討論并不一樣。?但事實是，即使我們可以隨心所欲地?擁有其他性伴侶，?我們還是無法抗拒偷嘗禁果的誘惑，?如果我們做了被禁止的事，?反倒會覺得自己在做真正想做的事。?我告訴過我的許多病人，?如果他們能將自己投入婚外情的?勇氣、想象力和熱情，拿出十分之一?給自己的婚姻，?也許他們就不用來找我了。?（笑聲）

那么我們該如何治療 因婚外情所受的創(chuàng)傷？?欲望根深蒂固，?背叛刻骨銘心。?但傷痛是可以治愈的。?有些婚外情只不過是壓死婚姻的?最后一根稻草。?而另一些卻讓婚姻有了新的可能。?實際上，大部分經(jīng)歷了?婚外情的夫妻最后仍然在一起。?只不過有的人精疲力盡，?有的人則將危機轉(zhuǎn)化為機遇。?他們善于將其轉(zhuǎn)化為一場經(jīng)歷。?實際上我甚至認為 被欺騙的一方更是如此，?他們經(jīng)常說，?“你以為我就不想得到更多嗎？?但我并沒有踏出這一步?！?一旦婚外情暴露，?他們也會提出更多要求，?不再繼續(xù)委曲求全，?因為委曲求全的結(jié)果并不理想。

我注意到，很多夫妻?在婚外情曝光之后，?由于局面混亂， 可能會產(chǎn)生新的家庭秩序，?他們往往會進行開誠布公的深入交流，?這種交流可能幾十年都未曾有過。?之前毫無“性致”的夫妻，?可能突然變得“性致”勃勃，?而他們完全搞不懂這是為什么。?對于失去的恐懼可能會重燃激情，?引導你通往全新的真實之路。

那么當婚外情曝光之后，?作為夫妻的當事人具體應該怎么辦呢？?我們知道要想治療創(chuàng)傷，?犯錯者首先應該承認錯誤。?對于出軌的那一方，?比如說尼克，?首先應該停止婚外情，?但更重要的是要向妻子?表達自己對傷害她的愧疚和歉意。?然而事實上，?我注意到，很多出軌的人，?也許對于傷害他們的另一半懷有愧疚，?但對于出軌行為本身毫無悔意。?這一差別非常重要。?對尼克來說，他需要維持這段婚姻。?至少在一段時間內(nèi)， 他要成為婚姻的保衛(wèi)者。?這是尼克的責任，?因為他明白只有這樣，?他才能幫希瑟走出陰影，?讓希瑟不必再拿出軌說事兒，?這樣信任才能慢慢恢復。

但對希瑟而言，?或者說被傷害的一方而言，?去做一些重拾自我價值的 事情十分必要，?比如同親朋好友聚會， 感受他們的愛意，?多參加快樂有意義的活動，找回自我。?但更重要的是，?不要去糾結(jié)出軌的細節(jié)：?你們都去過哪里？在哪里做過？?多久見一次面？她在床上是不是比我棒？?這些問題只會帶來更多痛苦，?讓你徹夜難眠。?取而代之的，要問一些深層次的問題，?更關(guān)注行為的意義和動機：?這場婚外情對你意味著什么？?他（她）能給你哪些體會和經(jīng)歷?是在我這兒沒法得到的？?你每次回到家有什么感覺？?對于我們的關(guān)系， 你最珍視的是什么？?結(jié)束婚外情你覺得開心嗎？

每一場婚外情都會重新定義一段婚姻，?每一對夫妻都將經(jīng)歷?婚外情給他們帶來的影響。?但婚外情不會消失， 它將一直存在。?關(guān)于愛和欲望的困境，?不能簡單地劃分黑白和對錯，?區(qū)分受害者和罪犯。?一段婚姻中的背叛可以有很多種形式。?我們背叛伴侶的方式很多：?藐視，忽視，?冷漠，暴力。?（肉體）出軌只是傷害伴侶的方式之一。?換句話說，婚外情的受害者?并不一定是婚姻的受害者。

聽我說了這么多，?我知道你們在想什么：?她有法國口音，她肯定是個出軌老手。?（笑聲）?但是，你們錯了。?我不是法國人。?（笑聲）?（掌聲）?我也不是出軌老手。?但是因為我經(jīng)常說， 婚外情也有好的方面，?所以經(jīng)常會有人問我一個奇怪的問題：?你有建議過別人出軌嗎？?我當然不建議你們出軌，?就像我不建議你們得癌癥一樣，?盡管我們知道，有些患絕癥的人?經(jīng)常說疾病讓他們 對世界有了新的看法。?自從我到達會場， 說我要談婚外情的問題，?大家都問我， 那你到底是贊成還是反對？?我說，“是的?！保荣澇捎址磳Γ?（笑聲）

我將婚外情一分為二來看：?一方面是傷害和背叛，?另一方面是成長和自我發(fā)現(xiàn)。?婚外情給你帶來了什么， 對我又意味著什么。?當婚外情被發(fā)現(xiàn)，?夫妻倆來找我，?我經(jīng)常會告訴他們：?今天在西方社會，?大部分人會有2、3段戀情，?或者婚姻，?其中有些人是跟同一個人一起經(jīng)歷的。?你的第一段婚姻結(jié)束了，?你還愿意跟你的另一半 重新開始第二段嗎？

Why do we cheat??And why do happy people cheat??And when we say "infidelity," what exactly do we mean??Is it a hookup, a love story, paid sex, a chat room,?a massage with a happy ending??Why do we think that men cheat out of boredom and fear of intimacy,?but women cheat out of loneliness and hunger for intimacy??And is an affair always the end of a relationship?

For the past 10 years, I have traveled the globe?and worked extensively with hundreds of couples?who have been shattered by infidelity.?There is one simple act of transgression?that can rob a couple of their relationship,?their happiness and their very identity: an affair.?And yet, this extremely common act is so poorly understood.?So this talk is for anyone who has ever loved.

Adultery has existed since marriage was invented,?and so, too, the taboo against it.?In fact, infidelity has a tenacity that marriage can only envy,?so much so, that this is the only commandment?that is repeated twice in the Bible:?once for doing it, and once just for thinking about it.?(Laughter)?So how do we reconcile what is universally forbidden,?yet universally practiced?

Now, throughout history, men practically had a license to cheat?with little consequence,?and supported by a host of biological and evolutionary theories?that justified their need to roam,?so the double standard is as old as adultery itself.?But who knows what's really going on under the sheets there, right??Because when it comes to sex,?the pressure for men is to boast and to exaggerate,?but the pressure for women is to hide, minimize and deny,?which isn't surprising when you consider that there are still nine countries?where women can be killed for straying.

Now, monogamy used to be one person for life.?Today, monogamy is one person at a time.?(Laughter)?(Applause)

I mean, many of you probably have said,?"I am monogamous in all my relationships."?(Laughter)

We used to marry,?and had sex for the first time.?But now we marry,?and we stop having sex with others.?The fact is that monogamy had nothing to do with love.?Men relied on women's fidelity?in order to know whose children these are,?and who gets the cows when I die.

Now, everyone wants to know?what percentage of people cheat.?I've been asked that question since I arrived at this conference.?(Laughter)?It applies to you.?But the definition of infidelity keeps on expanding:?sexting, watching porn, staying secretly active on dating apps.?So because there is no universally agreed-upon definition?of what even constitutes an infidelity,?estimates vary widely, from 26 percent to 75 percent.?But on top of it, we are walking contradictions.?So 95 percent of us will say that it is terribly wrong?for our partner to lie about having an affair,?but just about the same amount of us will say?that that's exactly what we would do if we were having one.?(Laughter)

Now, I like this definition of an affair --?it brings together the three key elements:?a secretive relationship, which is the core structure of an affair;?an emotional connection to one degree or another;?and a sexual alchemy.?And alchemy is the key word here,?because the erotic frisson is such that the kiss that you only imagine giving,?can be as powerful and as enchanting?as hours of actual lovemaking.?As Marcel Proust said,?it's our imagination that is responsible for love, not the other person.

So it's never been easier to cheat,?and it's never been more difficult to keep a secret.?And never has infidelity exacted such a psychological toll.?When marriage was an economic enterprise,?infidelity threatened our economic security.?But now that marriage is a romantic arrangement,?infidelity threatens our emotional security.?Ironically, we used to turn to adultery --?that was the space where we sought pure love.?But now that we seek love in marriage,?adultery destroys it.

Now, there are three ways that I think infidelity hurts differently today.?We have a romantic ideal in which we turn to one person?to fulfill an endless list of needs:?to be my greatest lover, my best friend,?the best parent, my trusted confidant,?my emotional companion, my intellectual equal.?And I am it: I'm chosen, I'm unique,?I'm indispensable, I'm irreplaceable,?I'm the one.?And infidelity tells me I'm not.?It is the ultimate betrayal.?Infidelity shatters the grand ambition of love.?But if throughout history, infidelity has always been painful,?today it is often traumatic,?because it threatens our sense of self.

So my patient Fernando, he's plagued.?He goes on: "I thought I knew my life.?I thought I knew who you were, who we were as a couple, who I was.?Now, I question everything."?Infidelity -- a violation of trust, a crisis of identity.?"Can I ever trust you again?" he asks.?"Can I ever trust anyone again?"

And this is also what my patient Heather is telling me,?when she's talking to me about her story with Nick.?Married, two kids.?Nick just left on a business trip,?and Heather is playing on his iPad with the boys,?when she sees a message appear on the screen:?"Can't wait to see you."?Strange, she thinks, we just saw each other.?And then another message:?"Can't wait to hold you in my arms."?And Heather realizes?these are not for her.?She also tells me that her father had affairs,?but her mother, she found one little receipt in the pocket,?and a little bit of lipstick on the collar.?Heather, she goes digging,?and she finds hundreds of messages,?and photos exchanged and desires expressed.?The vivid details of Nick's two-year affair?unfold in front of her in real time,?And it made me think:?Affairs in the digital age are death by a thousand cuts.

But then we have another paradox that we're dealing with these days.?Because of this romantic ideal,?we are relying on our partner's fidelity with a unique fervor.?But we also have never been more inclined to stray,?and not because we have new desires today,?but because we live in an era?where we feel that we are entitled to pursue our desires,?because this is the culture where I deserve to be happy.?And if we used to divorce because we were unhappy,?today we divorce because we could be happier.?And if divorce carried all the shame,?today, choosing to stay when you can leave?is the new shame.?So Heather, she can't talk to her friends?because she's afraid that they will judge her for still loving Nick,?and everywhere she turns, she gets the same advice:?Leave him. Throw the dog on the curb.?And if the situation were reversed, Nick would be in the same situation.?Staying is the new shame.

So if we can divorce,?why do we still have affairs??Now, the typical assumption is that if someone cheats,?either there's something wrong in your relationship or wrong with you.?But millions of people can't all be pathological.?The logic goes like this: If you have everything you need at home,?then there is no need to go looking elsewhere,?assuming that there is such a thing as a perfect marriage?that will inoculate us against wanderlust.?But what if passion has a finite shelf life??What if there are things that even a good relationship?can never provide??If even happy people cheat,?what is it about?

The vast majority of people that I actually work with?are not at all chronic philanderers.?They are often people who are deeply monogamous in their beliefs,?and at least for their partner.?But they find themselves in a conflict?between their values and their behavior.?They often are people who have actually been faithful for decades,?but one day they cross a line?that they never thought they would cross,?and at the risk of losing everything.?But for a glimmer of what??Affairs are an act of betrayal,?and they are also an expression of longing and loss.?At the heart of an affair, you will often find?a longing and a yearning for an emotional connection,?for novelty, for freedom, for autonomy, for sexual intensity,?a wish to recapture lost parts of ourselves?or an attempt to bring back vitality in the face of loss and tragedy.

I'm thinking about another patient of mine, Priya,?who is blissfully married,?loves her husband,?and would never want to hurt the man.?But she also tells me?that she's always done what was expected of her:?good girl, good wife, good mother,?taking care of her immigrant parents.?Priya, she fell for the arborist who removed the tree from her yard?after Hurricane Sandy.?And with his truck and his tattoos, he's quite the opposite of her.?But at 47, Priya's affair is about the adolescence that she never had.?And her story highlights for me that when we seek the gaze of another,?it isn't always our partner that we are turning away from,?but the person that we have ourselves become.?And it isn't so much that we're looking for another person,?as much as we are looking for another self.

Now, all over the world,?there is one word that people who have affairs always tell me.?They feel alive.?And they often will tell me stories of recent losses --?of a parent who died,?and a friend that went too soon,?and bad news at the doctor.?Death and mortality often live in the shadow of an affair,?because they raise these questions.?Is this it? Is there more??Am I going on for another 25 years like this??Will I ever feel that thing again??And it has led me to think that perhaps these questions?are the ones that propel people to cross the line,?and that some affairs are an attempt to beat back deadness,?in an antidote to death.

And contrary to what you may think,?affairs are way less about sex, and a lot more about desire:?desire for attention, desire to feel special,?desire to feel important.?And the very structure of an affair,?the fact that you can never have your lover,?keeps you wanting.?That in itself is a desire machine,?because the incompleteness, the ambiguity,?keeps you wanting that which you can't have.

Now some of you probably think?that affairs don't happen in open relationships,?but they do.?First of all, the conversation about monogamy is not the same?as the conversation about infidelity.?But the fact is that it seems that even when we have?the freedom to have other sexual partners,?we still seem to be lured by the power of the forbidden,?that if we do that which we are not supposed to do,?then we feel like we are really doing what we want to.?And I've also told quite a few of my patients?that if they could bring into their relationships?one tenth of the boldness, the imagination and the verve?that they put into their affairs,?they probably would never need to see me.?(Laughter)

So how do we heal from an affair??Desire runs deep.?Betrayal runs deep.?But it can be healed.?And some affairs are death knells?for relationships that were already dying on the vine.?But others will jolt us into new possibilities.?The fact is, the majority of couples?who have experienced affairs stay together.?But some of them will merely survive,?and others will actually be able to turn a crisis into an opportunity.?They'll be able to turn this into a generative experience.?And I'm actually thinking even more so for the deceived partner,?who will often say,?"You think I didn't want more??But I'm not the one who did it."?But now that the affair is exposed,?they, too, get to claim more,?and they no longer have to uphold the status quo?that may not have been working for them that well, either.

I've noticed that a lot of couples,?in the immediate aftermath of an affair,?because of this new disorder that may actually lead to a new order,?will have depths of conversations with honesty and openness?that they haven't had in decades.?And, partners who were sexually indifferent?find themselves suddenly so lustfully voracious,?they don't know where it's coming from.?Something about the fear of loss will rekindle desire,?and make way for an entirely new kind of truth.

So when an affair is exposed,?what are some of the specific things that couples can do??We know from trauma that healing begins?when the perpetrator acknowledges their wrongdoing.?So for the partner who had the affair,?for Nick,?one thing is to end the affair,?but the other is the essential, important act of expressing?guilt and remorse for hurting his wife.?But the truth is?that I have noticed that quite a lot of people who have affairs?may feel terribly guilty for hurting their partner,?but they don't feel guilty for the experience of the affair itself.?And that distinction is important.?And Nick, he needs to hold vigil for the relationship.?He needs to become, for a while, the protector of the boundaries.?It's his responsibility to bring it up,?because if he thinks about it,?he can relieve Heather from the obsession,?and from having to make sure that the affair isn't forgotten,?and that in itself begins to restore trust.

But for Heather,?or deceived partners,?it is essential to do things that bring back a sense of self-worth,?to surround oneself with love and with friends and activities?that give back joy and meaning and identity.?But even more important,?is to curb the curiosity to mine for the sordid details --?Where were you? Where did you do it??How often? Is she better than me in bed? --?questions that only inflict more pain,?and keep you awake at night.?And instead, switch to what I call the investigative questions,?the ones that mine the meaning and the motives --?What did this affair mean for you??What were you able to express or experience there?that you could no longer do with me??What was it like for you when you came home??What is it about us that you value??Are you pleased this is over?

Every affair will redefine a relationship,?and every couple will determine?what the legacy of the affair will be.?But affairs are here to stay, and they're not going away.?And the dilemmas of love and desire,?they don't yield just simple answers of black and white and good and bad,?and victim and perpetrator.?Betrayal in a relationship comes in many forms.?There are many ways that we betray our partner:?with contempt, with neglect,?with indifference, with violence.?Sexual betrayal is only one way to hurt a partner.?In other words, the victim of an affair?is not always the victim of the marriage.

Now, you've listened to me,?and I know what you're thinking:?She has a French accent, she must be pro-affair.?(Laughter)?So, you're wrong.?I am not French.?(Laughter)?(Applause)?And I'm not pro-affair.?But because I think that good can come out of an affair,?I have often been asked this very strange question:?Would I ever recommend it??Now, I would no more recommend you have an affair?than I would recommend you have cancer,?and yet we know that people who have been ill?often talk about how their illness has yielded them a new perspective.?The main question that I've been asked since I arrived at this conference?when I said I would talk about infidelity is, for or against??I said, "Yes."?(Laughter)