沒什么事情比我們信任之人辜負(fù)自己更令人受傷的了。當(dāng)那個人就是我們的老板、一個影響我們的職業(yè)道路和生計的人時，痛苦可能更甚。無論是你犧牲了數(shù)月時間完成的項目被他們搶去了功勞、答應(yīng)你的晉職機會卻給了別人，還是因為別人的錯誤而公開羞辱你，他們的負(fù)你之舉都影響深遠(yuǎn)。

Fewer things hurt more than being Betrayed by someone we trust. When that person is our boss, someone who impacts our career paths and livelihoods, the pain?can be amplified. Whether they took credit for a project you sacrificed months to complete, gave a promotion they promised you to someone else, or publicly shamed you for someone else’s mistake, the consequences of the Betrayal are far-reaching.

老板的辜負(fù)會妨礙我們信任他人、在困難時期保持樂觀和韌性，以及準(zhǔn)確判斷復(fù)雜情況的能力。我們的大腦通常把他們的辜負(fù)當(dāng)成精神創(chuàng)傷來處理，而且我們預(yù)計那種創(chuàng)傷會卷土重來。由于受傷和戒備之心，我們有時會做出本是出于自我保護(hù)、但卻造成意外后果的行為。這種事發(fā)生的時候，我們應(yīng)該擔(dān)心的不是老板的舉止，而是我們自己的行為。

Boss Betrayal can?hinder our ability?to trust others, remain optimistic and resilient during difficult times, and accurately judge complex situations. Our brains often process Betrayal as trauma, and we expect that trauma to be repeated. Hurt and guarded, we sometimes engage in behaviors that are meant to be protective but have unintended consequences. When this happens, it’s not our boss’s behavior that should concern us. It’s our own.

雖然你也許不能夠改變你的老板，但是你卻可以防止他們的不當(dāng)行為讓你發(fā)生不利的改變。以下方法是用以防范你變成自己永遠(yuǎn)無意成為的那種人。

While you may not be able to change your boss, you can keep their bad behavior from harmfully changing you. Here are ways to guard against the risks of becoming someone you never intended to be.

堅持你的價值觀。據(jù)《職場中的信任與辜負(fù)》(Trust and Betrayal in the Workplace)一書的作者丹尼斯·雷納(Dennis Reina)所言，85%的職場辜負(fù)都是無意為之?？墒莾H僅因為老板不會故意負(fù)人并不會減少這種經(jīng)歷。有時你可以向未能意識到自己行為后果的老板表示關(guān)切。他們真心的悔悟和糾正錯誤的承諾可以重建信任，甚至讓你們的關(guān)系更加牢固。

Hold fast to your values.?According to Dennis Reina, author of?Trust and Betrayal in the Workplace,?85% of workplace Betrayal?is unintentional. But just because a boss?didn’t mean?to Betray someone doesn’t lessen the experience. Sometimes you can raise concerns with a boss who failed to realize the consequences of their actions. Their genuine remorse and commitment to make things right can restore trust, and even make your relationship?stronger.

可是如果你的老板經(jīng)常性地辜負(fù)你的信任，那么很重要的一點是要確保你在回應(yīng)的時候不會無意識地敗壞了自己的行為。研究表明，如果你的老板行為不當(dāng)，你更有可能跟風(fēng)效仿。只要你必須在那位老板手下干活，你就務(wù)必明確你希望支配自己行為的價值觀，對于你認(rèn)為會讓你放棄價值觀的東西，你的態(tài)度必須堅決。比如，如果你看重包容，想想哪些行為會讓別人感覺遭到排斥，并且監(jiān)控自己的行為，保證你沒有做那些事。你如何尊重他人、如何分享思想、如何給予應(yīng)得的贊揚，甚至如何談?wù)撟约旱呢暙I(xiàn)，所有這一切都受你的價值觀左右。不要讓老板有悖于那些價值觀的行為致使你找到放棄它們的理由。

But if your boss has routinely Betrayed your trust, it’s important to ensure you aren’t unconsciously corrupting your own behavior in response. Research indicates that if your boss behaves badly, you are more likely to?follow suit. As long as you have to?function under this boss, be clear on the values you want to govern your behavior and resolute on what compromising them would?constitute. For example, if you value inclusion, think about what actions make others feel excluded, and monitor your behavior to make sure you aren’t doing them. How you show respect to others, how you share ideas, how you give credit where it’s?due, and even how you talk about your contributions are all informed by your values. Don’t let your boss’s contradiction of those values lead you to justify compromising them.

注意老板負(fù)人的方式。對于容忍老板辱罵行為的人來說，最終得出結(jié)論認(rèn)為自己活該挨罵的情形十分普遍。與家庭暴力的受害者類似，企業(yè)形式的斯德哥爾摩癥候群開始出現(xiàn)，你最終會認(rèn)為老板的辜負(fù)是正常的。你可以通過發(fā)現(xiàn)老板負(fù)人的方式來抵御這樣的事情，并盡可能多地進(jìn)行干擾。如果他們未能信守諾言，那就好好記錄下他們對你的承諾。如果他們拿你做的工作邀功，你要確保重要的利益相關(guān)者將你的名字與相關(guān)項目關(guān)聯(lián)起來。即使沒有別的作用，這樣做也有助于你保持某種程度的心理健康，使你的自我認(rèn)知與老板的行為相隔離。

Pay attention to patterns of Betrayal.?It’s common for people who tolerate abusive behavior from bosses to eventually conclude they deserve it. Similar to what can happen to victims of domestic violence, a form of?organizational Stockholm syndrome?sets in, and you eventually come to expect Betrayal as normal. You can resist this by detecting your boss’s patterns of Betrayal and interrupting them as much as possible. If your manager fails to keep promises, keep their commitments to you well-documented. If they take credit for your work, make sure important stakeholders associate your name with relevant projects. If nothing else, this will help preserve some measure of your psychological health and keep your self-perception separate from your boss’s behavior.

秉持寬恕而非報復(fù)之心。希望讓你的老板為其負(fù)人之舉付出代價是很自然的事。你或許甚至幻想著如何破壞他們的成功。永遠(yuǎn)不要墮落到他們的水平，哪怕存在這樣做的機會。與我合作的一家公司里，員工反感他們的老板程度之深，以至于他們散布可怕卻又可信的謠言，并且故意在他們的描繪中添油加醋。當(dāng)然，這樣做最終自食其果，員工丟掉了工作。

Practice forgiveness, not retaliation.?It’s natural to want to make your boss pay for their Betrayal. You may even fantasize about sabotaging their success. Never stoop to their level, even when opportunities to do so become available. In one organization I worked with, an employee grew to resent their boss so much that they spread horrible, but believable, rumors about the boss and inserted incorrect data into their presentations. Of course, this eventually boomeranged, costing the employee their job.

如果你允許報復(fù)舉動滲透進(jìn)你的行為，別人最終也會識破，得出的結(jié)論是你和你厭惡的老板一樣可惡。對于復(fù)仇的痛苦，最佳的解藥是同情與寬恕。盡管這感覺可能有點難，但是放棄你的報復(fù)權(quán)利——恰好是寬恕的定義——才是你最大的利益。

If you allow vengeful actions to leak into your behavior, others will inevitably find out, concluding you are just as detestable as the boss you loathe. The best antidote to vengeful bitterness is compassion and forgiveness. As hard as it may feel, forfeiting your right to retaliate — the very definition of forgiveness — is in your best interest.

可是這并不意味著你必須否認(rèn)你的憤怒。寫日記可以成為有益的工具。寫下你對老板行為以及你的相應(yīng)舉措有何感受。也許他們的辜負(fù)讓你覺得能力不足或者被人利用。學(xué)會將他人的選擇如何帶給我們感受與事實區(qū)分開來是寬恕的第一步。退后一步，承認(rèn)自己并不低人一等或者不可利用，這就開始讓你與那些感覺產(chǎn)生距離。到某個時候，你的老板會親眼看到他們是多么的令人不快以及他們給人帶來的苦惱。

But this doesn’t mean you have to deny your anger. Journaling can be a helpful tool here. Write down how you are feeling about your boss’s actions and yourself as a result. Perhaps their Betrayal made you feel inadequate or exploited. Learning to separate how others’ choices make us feel from what’s actually true is the first step to forgiving. Stepping back and acknowledging that you aren’t inferior or exploitable begins to create some distance from those feelings. At some point, your boss will come face-to-face with how miserable they are and the misery they’ve caused.

不要隱藏你的負(fù)面情緒。咬緊牙關(guān)忍受辜負(fù)可能對你的身體有害。強壓住憤怒、傷痛、焦慮等激烈情緒可能會讓人出現(xiàn)失眠、頭痛、消化紊亂、隨意發(fā)怒等身體癥狀。要認(rèn)識到，這些情緒可能在始料不及的時候引發(fā)。當(dāng)我們內(nèi)心充滿負(fù)面情緒時，它們會蒙蔽我們的判斷、扭曲我們對自己和他人的看法、長期產(chǎn)生不知所措的感覺。這就是為何擁有排解渠道至關(guān)重要。除了寫日記之外，找治療師或人生導(dǎo)師聊聊也有幫助。值得信賴的知己可以減少孤獨感，降低負(fù)面情緒變得有破壞性的風(fēng)險。你還應(yīng)該特別注意你的飲食和飲酒量，并在可能的條件下，增加身體活動和鍛煉。當(dāng)我們看不到其他選擇的時候，求助不健康的活動來麻木痛苦的感覺會很有誘惑力。

Don’t bury your negative emotions.?Trying to keep a stiff upper lip while enduring Betrayal can be?hazardous to your health. Suppressing strong emotions like anger, hurt, and anxiety can manifest in physical symptoms of sleeplessness, headaches, digestive disorders, and general irritability. Recognize that these feelings may get triggered in unexpected situations. When we are consumed by negative emotions, they can cloud our judgment, distort how we see ourselves and others, and create chronic feelings of being overwhelmed. That’s why it is critical to have an outlet. In addition to journaling, finding a therapist or coach to talk with can help. A trusted confidant can reduce feelings of isolation and the risk of negative emotions’ becoming destructive. You should also be especially attentive to your diet and alcohol intake, and where possible?increase your physical activity and exercise. Turning to unhealthy activities to numb feelings of pain can be alluring when we can’t see alternatives.

讓感恩之心和決心毅力抵消掉權(quán)利爭取和工作淡漠。辜負(fù)常見的兩個副作用就是認(rèn)為自己理應(yīng)為所受的遭遇得到補償，以及對待工作態(tài)度漠然。爭取權(quán)利可能是漸漸開始的——午餐拖延更長的時間、差旅費用中充斥著豪華大餐，進(jìn)而升級到更加貪婪的自我補償行為，一切皆因你的容忍而顯得正當(dāng)合理。可是在所有那些努力都未能阻止老板的行為給你帶來傷害之后，你可能對工作全然不在乎了。工作淡漠是辜負(fù)行為的一個危險的副產(chǎn)品，因為它很難界定。一旦你對自己原本由衷感激的方方面面的職業(yè)生活的前途都不看好，那種態(tài)度可能也會滲透進(jìn)你的個人生活。

Let gratitude and purpose offset entitlement and apathy.?Two of Betrayal’s common side effects are believing you deserve restitution for what you’ve suffered and feeling indifferent toward your work. Entitlement can begin gradually — taking longer lunches, padding travel expenses with luxurious meals — and escalate to more voracious acts of self-compensation, all justified by what you’ve tolerated. But after those efforts fail to stem the hurt from your boss’s behavior, you can stop caring about work altogether. Apathy is a dangerous byproduct of Betrayal because it’s hard to compartmentalize. Once you lose perspective about the aspects of your professional life for which you are genuinely grateful, that attitude can bleed into your personal life.

提醒你自己想想擇業(yè)原因背后的熱情，記住你得天獨厚的才華，列出生活中給你帶來的快樂、讓你心存感激的東西。一種使命感而非一個偉大的老板才應(yīng)該是你早上起床的原因。不能讓一個可怕的老板成為你不想起床的理由。

Remind yourself of the passion behind why you chose your field. Remember the things you are uniquely gifted at. Inventory parts of your life that bring you joy and for which you are thankful. A sense of purpose, not a great boss, should be the reason you get up in the morning. You can’t let a horrible boss become the reason you don’t want to.

如果你為一個習(xí)慣性辜負(fù)人的老板工作，那就盡快從其手下擺脫。在那之前，你要竭盡所能防止自己冷若冰霜地成為你自己都認(rèn)不出的人。你的老板選擇有意無意地傷害他人，那是他們的選擇。允許他們的辜負(fù)之舉負(fù)面地改變你為人的選擇永遠(yuǎn)在你手上。

If you work for a boss who habitually Betrays, get out from under them as soon as possible. Until then, do whatever you must to protect yourself from hardening into a person you don’t recognize. Your boss’s choice to hurt others, consciously or not, is theirs. The choice to allow their Betrayal to negatively alter who you are is always yours.

羅恩·卡魯奇是Navalent公司的共同創(chuàng)始人和管理合伙人，他與眾多CEO和高管合作，為他們的企業(yè)、領(lǐng)導(dǎo)和行業(yè)謀求轉(zhuǎn)型變革。他是8本暢銷書的作者，其中包括在最近亞馬遜排名第一的《掌權(quán)》(Rising to Power)。

Ron Carucci?is co-founder and managing partner at?Navalent, working with CEOs and executives pursuing transformational change. He is the bestselling author of eight books, including?Rising to Power.?