How to Handle Office Gossip … When It’s About You

by?Joseph Grenny

Imagine a colleague of yours, “Beth,” approaches you one day and tells you that “Gareth,” a relatively new member of your team, made disparaging comments about you to her — referring to you as a “l(fā)ightweight who wouldn’t be in the job if not for getting hired before the company could attract those with credentials.”

假如你的同事貝絲有一天告訴你，你們團隊的新成員格瑞在背后詆毀你——“你配不上這份工作，如果不是那時公司在發(fā)展初期，吸引不到專業(yè)人才，你哪有資格坐在這里?！?/p>

Beth reports this in hushed tones, then adds, “He can’t know where you heard it, okay?” What should you do next?

貝絲偷偷告訴了你這些，還補充說：“別告訴他是我說的，好嗎？”接下來你該怎么做？

As I’ve written about before, gossip comes in different forms that serve different purposes:

我以前提出過，八卦有不同的形式和目的：

1. It can be a source of?information?for those who mistrust formal channels.對不信任正規(guī)渠道的人來說，這也是一種信息來源。

2. It can serve as an?emotional?release for anger or frustration.可以用來宣泄憤怒或懊惱情緒。

3. It can be used as an indirect way of surfacing or engaging in interpersonal conflicts可以用來間接反映或挑撥個人恩怨。

It’s this latter form that incites a lot of workplace drama. This kind of gossip is communication minus responsibility. It is a collusive counterfeit to problem solving. In the example above, someone is telling you that you’ve been gossiped about — and they’re using gossip as the vehicle to do so. They’re passing along information on condition of anonymity.

正是最后一種形式挑起了許多職場“宮斗”。這類八卦是不負責任的溝通，不僅不利于解決問題，反而煽風點火，唯恐天下不亂。前面提到的例子中，有人告訴你其他人在背后八卦你，然而他們也在用八卦的方式把這個信息傳達給你。這是以匿名的方式在傳遞信息。

The most crucial moment in addressing gossip like this is not?after?you hear it, but?when?you hear it. In an ideal world, Beth would have informed Gareth in the moment that she would need to share the information with you, unless he was willing to do so himself. But given that didn’t happen, you as the subject must decide whether you will continue the gossip or invite responsible communication.

應(yīng)對此類八卦最關(guān)鍵的時間點是聽到八卦時，而不是聽完之后。理想狀態(tài)下，貝絲聽到格瑞這么說時，就告訴他會把這些話告訴你，除非他愿意親口跟你講。但現(xiàn)實并非如此，你作為主體就必須決定是延續(xù)八卦的形式，還是負責任地坦誠溝通。

When you tacitly or explicitly agree to engage in gossip so you can get access to gossip about you, you become part of the problem. You also prevent yourself from taking the only kind of action that could lead to resolution: a candid and respectful dialogue that produces mutual understanding. The way you handle this moment — the instant you’re issued an invitation to participate in gossip — becomes crucial. Here are three things to do when someone else is gossiping about you.

當為了繼續(xù)聽到關(guān)于自己的八卦，或心照不宣，或直截同意參與八卦時，你自己就成了問題的一部分，你也切斷了唯一能夠解決問題的通路：坦誠、彼此尊重地進行對話，以及達成共識。你在這一刻的處理方式，表明愿意參與八卦的這一刻，至關(guān)重要。

面對其他人說你八卦的情況時，你可以做以下三件事。

Don’t listen if you can’t act.

如果不能采取行動，就不要聽

I adopted an ethic years ago that I always use to set a boundary with those who want to pass along information about another person. When I can see the conversation is headed in the direction of gossip, I politely stop the person and let them know that I’ll likely act on the information I’m given. This helps them understand that speaking implies responsibility and gives them an “out” to decide to keep the information to themselves.

多年前我便學(xué)到了一項行為準則，并常常用來與想和我議論其他人的人劃清界限。當我察覺到對話要往八卦的方向發(fā)展時，我會禮貌地制止對方，讓他們知道我在聽到八卦后會有所行動。這會讓他們意識到講話是要負責的，也給了他們不繼續(xù)傳播八卦的選擇。

In the situation above, Beth has already shared critical information. At this point, you could say, “Thanks for letting me know Gareth has concerns about me. I’ll be discussing that with him. I don’t feel a need to share your name, but he might guess you shared it.” If that makes her nervous, you should still hold your boundary. You might say, for example, “I’m going to address this with Gareth one way or another. If you want a day or so to let him know you shared it with me, you’re welcome to take that time.” If she chooses not to do so, you’re free to move forward.

上述場景中，貝絲已經(jīng)分享了關(guān)鍵信息。這時你可以說：“謝謝你讓我知道格瑞對我有意見，我會跟他談?wù)劇Ｎ也灰欢〞f是你告訴我的，但他可能也會猜到?！蹦呐逻@會令貝絲感到緊張，你也應(yīng)該堅持自己的立場。比如你可以說：“不管怎樣我都會跟格瑞聊聊這件事。如果你想找個機會，讓他知道是你告訴了我這些，你可以在我之前先去找他?！比绻惤z不想這么做，你就不必再顧慮她了。

Of course, the risk in this approach is that people will think twice before sharing gossip with you. You may lose access to some information. But if your example positively influences others, you may gain a healthier workplace.

當然，這樣做的風險是以后其他人可能不會再跟你八卦，你可能會因此錯失一些信息。但如果你的反應(yīng)對其他人產(chǎn)生了積極影響，或許可以獲得一個更健康的職場環(huán)境。當務(wù)之急是找對問題并加以解決。

Address the right issue first.

首先解決正確的問題

Next is the conversation with Gareth. A gossip episode like this involves two conversations: one about process and one about content.

下一步是與格瑞溝通。這樣的八卦通常涉及兩個方面：過程與內(nèi)容。

Most people’s first instinct is to address the?process?problem — i.e., the fact that Gareth is talking negatively behind your back. You assume the?content?of the gossip in meritless and move to immediately confront what bothers you most: the inappropriate way he’s peddling his “fabrications.” A better way to proceed is to focus first on the?content?issue — Gareth’s apparent concerns about your competence — and not the “talking behind my back” issue.

大多數(shù)人的第一反應(yīng)是針對過程，比如格瑞在背后說你壞話這一事實。你會忽略內(nèi)容本身的價值，迅速轉(zhuǎn)向你最惱火的部分：他在“捏造事實”并四處宣揚。更好的解決方法，是首先關(guān)注八卦內(nèi)容，即格瑞對你的能力有所質(zhì)疑，而不是“在背后講你壞話”。

Be humble. Don’t frame the conversation (even implicitly) as “Shame on you for talking behind my back,” but rather as “If I have failed you in some way, I really want to understand it. Or if my skills are coming up short, I need that feedback.”

保持謙遜心態(tài)。不要把對話圍繞在“背后講我壞話真無恥”這一點上，哪怕你沒有直接說出來，而是應(yīng)該表明，“我的確想知道我哪里讓你失望了。如果我能力有所不足，我需要他人的反饋。”

This approach helps in a number of ways. First, if there is merit to the person’s concerns, you get the benefit of the feedback. Second, you transcend tit-for-tat reactions in a way that might prevent this from escalating into future personal conflict. And third, you demonstrate both openness to feedback and a willingness to hold others accountable in a way that might encourage them to make a better choice the next time they have concerns.

這樣做有幾點好處。首先，如果別人的擔憂不無道理，那么你可以從反饋中受益。其次你沒有采取針鋒相對的態(tài)度，或許可以避免進一步激化個人矛盾。最后，你表現(xiàn)出包容的態(tài)度以及希望他人說話負責的意愿，或許能鼓勵他們以后有顧慮時，采用更好的溝通方式。

Don’t be deterred if the person starts by claiming misunderstanding or minimizing their statements. Reiterate your desire for feedback and urge them to be forthcoming about any concerns.

如果當事人一上來就表示是誤會或弱化他們的表述，也不要退縮。重申你想獲得反饋的渴望，并鼓勵對方說出心中的擔憂。

Discuss the process problem.

討論過程問題

Only after you’ve explored the other person’s concerns can you productively hold them accountable for the indirect way their feedback came to you. Ask for a commitment that, in the future, you will hear the complaint before others do — and promise them the same yourself. If you’ve humbly solicited feedback in the previous step, you’ll have the moral authority and safety needed to hold them accountable for their bad behavior.

只有在充分了解他人的擔憂后，你才能有效地讓他們?yōu)檫@種間接反饋意見的方式負責。你可以告訴對方，希望將來再有擔憂時第一時間與你溝通，而不是跟其他人宣揚，同時向他們保證你也會這樣做。如果你在此之前已經(jīng)謙遜地向他們征求反饋，現(xiàn)在就有了充分的理由，讓他們?yōu)殄e誤行為負責。

There is no guarantee that approaching gossip in this way will eliminate it. But it does guarantee that you become part of the solution instead of perpetuating the problem.

這種處理方式雖然無法保證從源頭上杜絕八卦的產(chǎn)生，但可以讓你成為解決方案的一部分，而不是問題本身。

約瑟夫·格雷尼是《紐約時報》暢銷書《決定性對話》（Crucial Conversations）的作者。他也是培訓(xùn)機構(gòu)VitalSmarts的聯(lián)合創(chuàng)始人，該公司主要提供溝通、績效和領(lǐng)導(dǎo)力方面的課程。