How does the inner critic develop and how can we get it under control?

內(nèi)心的批判是如何形成的，我們又該如何應(yīng)對(duì)它？

Posted Nov 22, 2014??發(fā)表于2014年11月22日

Recently the Italian journalist, Stefania Medetti, read my blog on the?Inner Critic?Voice and had some questions. As I was answering her questions, I thought this would be a good follow up to that earlier blog.

最近，意大利記者Stefania Medetti閱讀了我對(duì)于內(nèi)心批判聲音的博客后，向我提出了一些問(wèn)題。我在回答她的疑惑時(shí)，覺(jué)得對(duì)于那篇博客來(lái)說(shuō)，這將是非常棒的一種跟進(jìn)。

1.??? When is the voice of the inner critic born? How long does the process last?

內(nèi)心批判的聲音是什么時(shí)候出現(xiàn)的？它又持續(xù)多久？

No one know for sure when we start to hear any kind of inner voice. I assume that we have no inner voices until we start learning language at around 12-18 months old. Since we are also learning to walk at the same time, I think that the inner critic voice begins as soon as we hear the word NO and see and feel our parent’s upset or?anger?when we are headed toward danger or something they don’t want us to do.

沒(méi)有人確切地知道內(nèi)心的聲音是什么時(shí)候出現(xiàn)的，我設(shè)想直到我們?cè)?2-18個(gè)月大，也就是開(kāi)始學(xué)習(xí)語(yǔ)言之前，是沒(méi)有這種聲音的。鑒于我們學(xué)習(xí)說(shuō)話和走路是在同一時(shí)間，我想是在我們第一次聽(tīng)到“不”，看到或者感覺(jué)到父母的不安、憤怒時(shí)，內(nèi)心批判的聲音就開(kāi)始了。這往往是在我們走向危險(xiǎn)的時(shí)候，或者在做父母不希望我們?nèi)プ龅氖虑榈臅r(shí)候。

People talk about hearing their parent’s voice in their mind, so I think our inner voice is started by whatever the parent say—whether it is loving, angry, encouraging, or critical. The child then divides the world into good and bad, so she/he develops both the good voice that is encouraging and positive, and the inner critic voice that is there to correct the child and is mostly negative.

人們談?wù)撜f(shuō)會(huì)在腦海中聽(tīng)見(jiàn)他們父母的聲音，于是我認(rèn)為我們內(nèi)心批判的聲音是由父母所說(shuō)的話引起的——無(wú)論那些話是充滿(mǎn)愛(ài)意的、氣憤的、鼓舞的或是批判的。孩子接著會(huì)把世界分成好的和壞的，于是她/他發(fā)展出了鼓舞的、積極的好的聲音，也發(fā)展出了為了糾正孩子而存在的、常常消極的批判的聲音。

The more negative the adults are when they talk and interact with the child, the bigger the inner critic voice becomes. Whereas, the more positively the adults talk to the child, the bigger, more positive, and loving the inner voice is. This process lasts throughout our whole lives.

成年人跟孩子說(shuō)活、互動(dòng)的時(shí)候越消極，批判的聲音就越響亮。反之，成年人跟孩子說(shuō)話的時(shí)候越積極，積極的、充滿(mǎn)愛(ài)意的聲音就越響亮。這種過(guò)程持續(xù)我們的終生。

2.??? Is the inner voice shaped by kids trying to please their parents, or is it shaped by the words the parents use, or both?

內(nèi)心聲音的形成是因?yàn)楹⒆釉O(shè)法取悅父母，還是因?yàn)楦改甘褂玫恼Z(yǔ)言，還是說(shuō)兩者都有影響？

It is definitely shaped by both. We are social being and our survival as children depends on our pleasing our parents. Biology and?attachment?do a lot to make children and their parents love each other, and the parents overall want to take care of their children. But young children are completely dependent on the good will of the parents, and children innately know that they need to learn the language and the social behaviors of their parents to get their approval and be cared for.

無(wú)疑是兩者都有影響。我們是社會(huì)動(dòng)物，我們?cè)诤⑼瘯r(shí)期的生存依賴(lài)于我們對(duì)父母的取悅。生物本能和依戀關(guān)系對(duì)孩子和父母相互關(guān)愛(ài)起很大作用，并且總的來(lái)說(shuō)，父母愿意去照顧他們的孩子。但是年幼的孩子完全依賴(lài)于父母的好意，孩子也與生俱來(lái)地知道他們需要去學(xué)習(xí)語(yǔ)言和父母的社會(huì)行為，才能得到認(rèn)可和關(guān)懷。

3.??? Can you give examples of how parents play a role in shaping the child’s inner voice?

你能舉些例子來(lái)展示父母是如何塑造孩子內(nèi)心聲音的嗎？

Whatever a parent says or does is imprinted on the mind of the child. Children are learning machines who absorb everything they see and hear. Parents can say to the child: “You are stupid. You are beautiful. You are bad. You are good.” The child will believe everything the parents say about him/her. And the child FEELS when the parent is loving, angry, disgusted, or adoring. All of these messages are recorded by the child as she/he tries to figure out “Who am I?” As we get older, we have grandparents, teachers, friends and other adults who also reflect in their words and actions who they see us to be. At first we believe everything, but as our minds and individuality develop, we learn to tune in more to the messages from the most SIGNIFICANT people in our lives and ignore messages from people we don’t know or care about.

無(wú)論父母說(shuō)或做任何事，都會(huì)在孩子的腦海里留下印跡。孩子是學(xué)習(xí)機(jī)器，會(huì)吸收他們看到、聽(tīng)到的所有事物。無(wú)論父母對(duì)孩子說(shuō)“你真蠢。你真漂亮。你不乖。你很乖巧?！边€是別的，孩子們都會(huì)相信父母。并且，無(wú)論父母是充滿(mǎn)愛(ài)意的、生氣的、厭惡的還是鐘愛(ài)的，孩子也都能感覺(jué)得出來(lái)。所有這些信息會(huì)被孩子儲(chǔ)存起來(lái)，并會(huì)嘗試用這些信息去搞清楚“我是誰(shuí)？”我們大一些之后，祖父母、老師、朋友和其他成年人的一言一行也會(huì)影響我們對(duì)自己的看法。一開(kāi)始我們會(huì)相信所有的信息，但是隨著我們頭腦和個(gè)體性的發(fā)展，我們會(huì)去與那些來(lái)自生命中最重要的人們的信息協(xié)調(diào)一致，并會(huì)忽視那些我們不在乎的人傳達(dá)的信息。

4.??? Why is this inner critical voice louder for some people?

為什么對(duì)一些人來(lái)說(shuō)，這種內(nèi)心批判的聲音會(huì)更大？

Some people are subjected to many more negative messages than others. I sat listening one evening in a restaurant to two parents with their young daughter having dinner. I noticed that in the span of one minute, they gave the child more than 20 negative messages. For example, “Sit down, be quiet, use your napkin, don’t yell, look at me, be quiet, sit down,” and on and on. That child will clearly have an enormous number of negative messages by the time she becomes an adult.

有些人比起旁人經(jīng)受了多得多的負(fù)面信息。有次晚上在餐廳里，我聽(tīng)見(jiàn)了一對(duì)父母和他們的年幼的女兒吃完飯時(shí)的對(duì)話。我注意到在一分鐘之內(nèi)，他們給了孩子超過(guò)20條負(fù)面信息。比如“坐下，安靜，用餐巾，不要喊，看著我，安靜點(diǎn)，坐下”等等，那個(gè)孩子在長(zhǎng)大成人之前，將明顯得到大量的負(fù)面信息。

Children have only two choices when confronted with negative and critical messages—either listen or tune out. Children often try to tune out. But for their own survival to please their parents, they HAVE TO listen quite a lot. The more we listen to the criticisms, rejection and hostility of negative messages, the louder the inner critic voice in our minds gets.

在面對(duì)消極、批判的信息的時(shí)候，孩子們只有兩種選則，要么聽(tīng)要么不聽(tīng)。孩子們通常會(huì)嘗試不聽(tīng)，但出于為了生存而取悅父母，他們不得不聽(tīng)很多很多。我們聽(tīng)到的負(fù)面信息中的批判、拒絕與敵意越多，我們腦海里批判的聲音就越大。

5.??? Is the voice just louder for some people, or can they simply cope with it better?

這種聲音是不是對(duì)一些人來(lái)說(shuō)就是更大，還是說(shuō)僅僅是因?yàn)橛行┤四芨玫貞?yīng)對(duì)它？

It does appear that biologically we all hear negativity louder than the positives. This is probably an adaption for survival. Our survival as a species was dependent on us hearing, “Watch out, there’s a snake”, while hearing “You are doing that well” was not so urgent. However, I have observed that some people hear negatives extremely loudly and tune out the positives almost completely. This appears to be a biological predisposition in some people, while for others, tuning into the criticism is due to hearing so much of it compared to positive messages.

生物學(xué)層面上，我們聽(tīng)到的消極聲音似乎比積極的更響亮，這也許是因?yàn)檫m者生存。我們作為物種的存續(xù)取決于我們能聽(tīng)見(jiàn)“小心，有蛇”，而聽(tīng)到“你真棒”就沒(méi)那么急迫了。然而，我也觀察到有些人聽(tīng)到的消極聲音極其響亮，并且?guī)缀跬耆?tīng)不見(jiàn)積極的聲音。對(duì)于一些人來(lái)說(shuō)這似乎是先天的傾向，但對(duì)于其他人來(lái)說(shuō)，這是因?yàn)榕c積極的信息比起來(lái)，他們聽(tīng)到的消極信息要多得多。

6.??? How does the inner critic impact our lives and?self-esteem?as kids and as adults?

對(duì)于孩子和成年人來(lái)說(shuō)，內(nèi)心的批判是如何影響的我們的生活和自尊的？

The inner critic voice works very much the same in adulthood as in?childhood. It tries to remember what we are NOT supposed to do, which takes a great deal of energy. The inner critic uses up a lot of energy worrying, being fearful of doing the wrong thing, feeling inferior and at fault, and can lead to social awkwardness and lower self-esteem.

內(nèi)心批判的聲音對(duì)成年時(shí)期的影響與對(duì)孩童時(shí)期的影響差不多，它想要去記住我們不應(yīng)該做的事情，這將耗費(fèi)大量的精力。內(nèi)心批判的聲音消耗大量的精力擔(dān)憂(yōu)，害怕犯錯(cuò)，感到自卑、有差錯(cuò)，并可能導(dǎo)致社交不適和低自尊。

A smaller inner critic voice can help us self-correct our behavior to be less selfish and more considerate of others, but when the inner critic voice becomes louder than our loving inner voice, it starts damaging our sense of deservability. The inner critic then starts tearing down our sense of self and damages our self-esteem—sometimes over and over as it becomes a habit.

一個(gè)較小的批判的聲音能幫助我們自我糾正錯(cuò)誤的行為，變得不那么自私、更體貼他人，但是當(dāng)內(nèi)心批判的聲音變得比內(nèi)心自愛(ài)的聲音更響亮?xí)r，它就開(kāi)始傷害我們的自我價(jià)值感，接著它會(huì)摧毀我們的自我意識(shí)，損害自尊——有時(shí)會(huì)反反復(fù)復(fù)，并成為一種習(xí)慣。

7.??? You wrote about a loud and a sneaky voice: What roles do they play?

你寫(xiě)到了一個(gè)響亮的和一個(gè)暗中作祟的聲音：他們扮演著什么樣的角色？

The loud inner critic voice is easier to subdue because we can tune into it and hear it more easily, so we can work on neutralizing that voice with positive self-messages, evidence from our good behaviors, and encouragement from others.

響亮的批判的聲音更容易被抑制，因?yàn)槲覀兡芨菀茁?tīng)到它，那么我們就可以用積極的自我描述、良好行為的證據(jù)和他人的鼓勵(lì)來(lái)中和這種聲音。

But after the loud critical voice is subdued, there can still be a quieter critical voice whispering messages just below our awareness that we don’t even notice. This one is harder to control because we don’t realize that it is there. We see evidence of this negative voice’s influence when we make decisions that are against our own best interests, when we allow others to demean or abuse us, and when we get so focused on the needs and wants of others that our own needs get ignored and our health or well-being is damaged.

但在批判的聲音被抑制后，仍然會(huì)有一個(gè)更安靜的批判的聲音在我們意識(shí)不到的情況下向我們低語(yǔ)。它更難被控制，因?yàn)槲覀儫o(wú)法意識(shí)到它的存在。我們可以在做出違背自己利益的決定的時(shí)候，在允許他人貶低、虐待我們的時(shí)候，在過(guò)于聚焦于他人的需要以至于忽視自己、傷害自己的時(shí)候，看到這種負(fù)面的聲音對(duì)我們產(chǎn)生影響的證據(jù)。

8.??? What kinds of situations trigger the inner critic?

什么樣的情景誘發(fā)這種聲音？

The kinds of situations that trigger the inner critic SHOULD be when we have been unkind, uncaring or mean spirited to others. However, too often, the inner critic is there ALL the time even when we are just looking out for our own welfare. People who are overly?caretaking?of others’ needs, can make themselves emotionally or physically ill by over-doing for others trying to be perfect for that inner critic. Also, if your inner critic is too easily activated, then anyone’s criticism of you (even when undeserved) can trigger it. Then you are criticized from the outside and the inside at once.

能夠誘發(fā)內(nèi)心批判聲音的情況應(yīng)該是，當(dāng)我們對(duì)他人不友善、不關(guān)心或刻薄的時(shí)候。然而通常情況下，即使我們只是在尋求自己的福祉，內(nèi)心的批判也是一直都在的。那些過(guò)度關(guān)心他人需求的人，可能會(huì)因?yàn)闉榱藵M(mǎn)足內(nèi)心的批判而為他人付出過(guò)多，導(dǎo)致自己的情感、身體受到傷害。同樣的，如果你內(nèi)心的批判過(guò)于容易被激活的話，那么任何人對(duì)你的批評(píng)（即使是不當(dāng)?shù)呐u(píng)）都能觸發(fā)它，你就會(huì)同時(shí)受到來(lái)自外部和內(nèi)部的批判。

Learning to get your inner critic under the control of your logical and reasonable mind will allow you to discriminate between times when you need to take better actions and times when someone else is just trying to manipulate you to do their bidding by accusing you of being selfish.

學(xué)會(huì)使你內(nèi)心的批判受到理智、明智頭腦的掌控，將允許你區(qū)分在什么時(shí)候你應(yīng)該采取更好的行動(dòng)（譯注：改正錯(cuò)誤），而又是在什么時(shí)候他人只是通過(guò)指責(zé)你自私來(lái)嘗試操縱你。

9.??? When should we start to worry that the inner voice gets in our way?

我們應(yīng)該在什么時(shí)候開(kāi)始擔(dān)心內(nèi)心批判的聲音會(huì)阻礙我們前進(jìn)呢？

When you see that you are not taking good care of yourself, it is most likely that your inner critic is getting out of hand and too dominating. We see evidence of very high inner critics in people who are?depressed, who are overly self-effacing, who ignore their health, who never exercise, who rarely take time to do something nice for themselves, who are embarrassed by compliments, who feel unworthy or worthless, and who don’t let anyone know what they need or want. You should be worrying about your inner critic voice being too loud whenever you start to feel hopeless, helpless, unimportant, overly-obligated, overly-guilty, hurt that others are being better treated than you are, and depressed that no one is thinking of your needs.

當(dāng)你看到自己沒(méi)有照顧好自己的時(shí)候，這很可能是因?yàn)槟銉?nèi)心的批判失控了、過(guò)于主宰你了。我們能在那些沮喪的人，過(guò)于低調(diào)的人，忽視自身健康的人，從不鍛煉的人，很少花時(shí)間為自己著想的人，會(huì)因?yàn)榉Q(chēng)贊感到尷尬的人，感到自己不配或無(wú)價(jià)值感的人，不讓任何人知道他們的需求的人身上，看到高度內(nèi)心批判的證據(jù)。當(dāng)你感到無(wú)望、無(wú)助、不重要、過(guò)分負(fù)責(zé)、過(guò)分自責(zé)、因?yàn)樗吮饶惚桓脤?duì)待而感到受傷、因?yàn)闆](méi)人考慮你的需求而感到沮喪的時(shí)候，你應(yīng)該擔(dān)心內(nèi)心批判的聲音是不是太大了。

10. Can you give suggestions about:

你能給出以下建議嗎：

How to react when we hear this inner critic voice?

聽(tīng)到內(nèi)心批評(píng)聲音的時(shí)候，該如何應(yīng)對(duì)？

Take the four steps that I outlined in my earlier article—Awareness, Questioning, Deactivate, Replace. Be aware of the message the inner critic is giving you; question whether it is true or not; if it is not true, deactivate the negative message by identifying and acknowledging your positive strengths; and replace the inner critic’s lie with a statement of positive?truth about yourself.

采取我在之前的文章里概述的四個(gè)步驟——意識(shí)、質(zhì)疑、無(wú)效化、取代。意識(shí)到內(nèi)心的批判在傳遞給你的信息；質(zhì)疑它是不是正確的；如果它是錯(cuò)誤的，就通過(guò)識(shí)別和承認(rèn)你的優(yōu)點(diǎn)來(lái)使負(fù)面信息無(wú)效化；用關(guān)于你的積極的事實(shí)來(lái)取代內(nèi)心批判的謊言。

How to behave with people who trigger this voice?

如何應(yīng)對(duì)那些觸發(fā)這種聲音的人？

Stop to assess whether the person criticizing you is truly loving, kind and focuses on your best interest. If so, then go through the four steps I just outlined to determine what may be true about their criticism. Take whatever corrective action you feel is right.

你應(yīng)該停下來(lái)，去評(píng)估批評(píng)你的人是不是帶著愛(ài)意和善良，并聚焦于你的利益。如果是這樣，就按照我上面列出的四個(gè)步驟來(lái)確定他們的批評(píng)是不是正確，并采取你認(rèn)為正確的行動(dòng)糾正自己。

Assess whether you are over-reacting to the criticism. It may be that your own inner critic is too loud or you have an inner critic message that you were unaware of until the other person’s criticism hit that nerve.?

你應(yīng)該評(píng)估你是否對(duì)批評(píng)的反應(yīng)過(guò)于強(qiáng)烈，這可能是因?yàn)槟銉?nèi)心的批判過(guò)于響亮，也可能是因?yàn)槟阋恢倍紱](méi)有察覺(jué)到一個(gè)內(nèi)心批判的信息，直到他人的批評(píng)觸及了你的痛處。

If the person triggering your inner critic is consistently critical, unjust in their criticism, and using their criticism to make you feel bad or manipulate you, this is a toxic person. Your inner self-loving voice needs to be activated to move you away from further interactions with the toxic person and to repair the damage they are doing to your self-esteem. Avoiding this person whenever possible is your best choice.

如果那個(gè)觸發(fā)你內(nèi)心的批評(píng)的人一直都愛(ài)挑剔，批評(píng)時(shí)不公平，并用他們的批評(píng)來(lái)打擊你或者操縱你，那么他就是一個(gè)有毒的人。你需要激活內(nèi)心自愛(ài)的聲音來(lái)使你遠(yuǎn)離這種有毒的人，并去修復(fù)他們對(duì)你的自尊造成的傷害。你最好的選擇是，盡可能地避開(kāi)這種人。

How to train ourselves to cope with the inner critic better?

我們?nèi)绾斡?xùn)練自己才能更好地應(yīng)對(duì)內(nèi)心的批判？

Taking charge of your inner critic means being aware of what you are saying to yourself and about yourself on a continuous basis. Tuning into your self-messages will prove to your inner self that you care. Then be kind to yourself. Imagine what you would say to a dear friend if he or she was saying such a self-critical thing. Say this positive message?to yourself until you really understand its truth. Surround yourself with loving, caring people who are supportive and encouraging and whom you can trust to deliver any criticisms justly and kindly. And stay away from overly negative and critical people and interactions.

掌控內(nèi)心的批判需要你持續(xù)不斷地意識(shí)到你對(duì)自己說(shuō)的是什么。轉(zhuǎn)而去關(guān)注自我描述將向你內(nèi)心的自己證明你是在乎的，然后你要好好對(duì)待自己。想象一下，如果你的摯友也這么批判自己，你會(huì)對(duì)他/她說(shuō)什么，你要把這種積極的信息傳達(dá)給自己直到你真的看到了關(guān)于自己的真相。讓那些充滿(mǎn)愛(ài)意的、體貼的人包圍你，他們會(huì)支持你、鼓勵(lì)你，你也能夠信任他們能公平、友好地給出建議。遠(yuǎn)離那些過(guò)于負(fù)面、吹毛求疵的人，遠(yuǎn)離那些過(guò)于負(fù)面、吹毛求疵的人際關(guān)系。

About the Author 作者介紹

Margalis?Fjelstad,?Ph.D., LMFT,?is a therapist, author and speaker on the topic of borderlines and narcissists.

原文地址：https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/stop-caretaking-the-borderline-or-narcissist/201411/more-questions-about-the-inner-critic#:~:text=The%20inner%20critic%20voice%20works%20very%20much%20the,can%20lead%20to%20social%20awkwardness%20and%20lower%20self-esteem.