Hello, everybody,?I am delighted to be here?and grateful to all of you?for joining us for this discussion.?In 2015,?I gave a TEDx Talk?in a little elementary school auditorium,?and much to my surprise,?the talk became one of the 10 most-viewed talks?in the history of TED.?And in that talk, I conveyed one simple scientific finding.?The finding that when we study hundreds of people?over their entire adult lives,?the people who turn out to be the happiest and the healthiest?are those who have good, warm connections to others.

大家好，?很高興來到這里?，感謝大家?加入我們的討論。?2015 年，我?在一個(gè)小禮堂做了 TEDx 演講，?令我驚訝的是，這次演講成為TED 歷史上觀看次數(shù)最多的 10 場演講之一。在那次演講中，我傳達(dá)了一個(gè)簡單的科學(xué)發(fā)現(xiàn)。研究發(fā)現(xiàn)，當(dāng)我們研究數(shù)百人的整個(gè)成年生活時(shí)，最快樂、最健康的人是那些與他人有良好、溫暖聯(lián)系的人。

So today, I want to take you deeper into this whole subject,?by exploring how relationships matter in our lives,?how they affect our health,?what kinds of relationships give us this big benefit in happiness,?and which tools you can start using today to make your relationship stronger.

所以今天，我想通過探索關(guān)系在我們生活中的重要性，?它們?nèi)绾斡绊懳覀兊慕】担?什么樣的關(guān)系給我們帶來幸福的巨大好處，?以及您今天可以開始使用哪些工具來更深入地了解這個(gè)主題讓你們的關(guān)系更牢固。

So I do direct this Harvard Study of Adult Development.?It's, as far as we know, the longest study of the same people?that's ever been done, following people since 1938.?From adolescence all the way through old age,?and now following all of their children,?thousands of lives.?And we began to find,?about 30 years ago,?this startling connection between warm relationships?and how good our lives feel to us,?our well-being,?and also the fact that warm relationships seemed to keep people?both physically stronger and kept their brains sharper?as they grew older.?And we didn't believe the data at first.?We thought, how could this be?that relationships actually get into our bodies?and shape our health??But then other studies began to find the same thing.?We found that people had less depression,?they were less likely to get diabetes and heart disease,?that they recovered faster from illness?when they had better connections with other people.

所以我確實(shí)指導(dǎo)了這項(xiàng)哈佛成人發(fā)展研究。?據(jù)我們所知，?這是有史以來對同一個(gè)人進(jìn)行的最長的研究，自 1938 年以來一直跟蹤人們。?從青春期一直到老年，?現(xiàn)在跟蹤他們所有的孩子，?成千上萬的人的生活。?大約 30 年前，我們開始發(fā)現(xiàn)，?溫暖的人際關(guān)系與我們對生活的感覺、我們的幸福感之間存在著驚人的聯(lián)系，而且事實(shí)上，溫暖的人際關(guān)系似乎可以使人們身體更強(qiáng)壯，頭腦更敏銳隨著他們變老。我們一開始并不相信這些數(shù)據(jù)。我們想，這怎么可能?關(guān)系實(shí)際上進(jìn)入我們的身體?并塑造我們的健康？?但隨后其他研究開始發(fā)現(xiàn)同樣的事情。?我們發(fā)現(xiàn)，?當(dāng)人們與他人有更好的聯(lián)系時(shí)，他們的抑郁癥就會(huì)減少，他們患糖尿病和心臟病的可能性就會(huì)降低，并且?從疾病中恢復(fù)得更快。

So then the question is: How could this work??How do relationships shape our happiness and our physical health?

那么問題是：這怎么行得通？?人際關(guān)系如何塑造我們的幸福感和身體健康？

Well, one of the best theories,?for which there's now some pretty good evidence,?is based on the idea of stress.?That, as we know, stress is an inevitable part of all of our lives.?Stress happens to us every day.?And what we find is that good relationships?turn out to be stress regulators.?So let me give you an example.?Let's say that I have something upsetting happen to me during the day,?and I find myself, like, ruminating about it?and really thinking about it and unhappy.?I can feel my body go into what we call fight or flight response?where literally my heart rate goes up?and I might start sweating a little bit?and I'm just not feeling as well.?Now, what we're meant to do is to come back to equilibrium?when a stressor goes away.?That's the way the body is supposed to work.?But what happens if I go home at the end of my upsetting day?and I have somebody to talk to??Either I can call someone on the phone or it's somebody I live with.?I can literally feel my body calm down.?I can feel that fight or flight response subside.

嗯，最好的理論之一，?現(xiàn)在有一些非常好的證據(jù)，?是基于壓力的想法。?眾所周知，壓力是我們生活中不可避免的一部分。?壓力每天都在我們身上發(fā)生。?我們發(fā)現(xiàn)，良好的人際關(guān)系?可以調(diào)節(jié)壓力。?所以讓我給你舉個(gè)例子。?比方說，我白天發(fā)生了一些讓我心煩意亂的事情，?我發(fā)現(xiàn)自己，就像，反復(fù)思考它?，真正地思考它并且不開心。?我能感覺到我的身體進(jìn)入了我們所說的戰(zhàn)斗或逃跑反應(yīng)?，此時(shí)我的心率在上升?，我可能會(huì)開始出汗?，我只是感覺不太好。?現(xiàn)在，我們要做的是?在壓力源消失時(shí)恢復(fù)平衡。?這就是身體應(yīng)該工作的方式。?但是，如果我在沮喪的一天結(jié)束后回家?并且有人可以傾訴，會(huì)發(fā)生什么？?要么我可以打電話給某人，要么是我住在一起的人。?我真的可以感覺到我的身體平靜下來。?我能感覺到戰(zhàn)斗或逃跑反應(yīng)消退。

But what if I don't have anybody to go home to??What if there's nobody I can call??What we find is that people who are isolated, are lonely,?don't have those stress regulators that we get from good relationships?and that we stay in chronic fight or flight mode,?that our bodies have this chronic stress,?chronic levels of inflammation?and circulating stress hormones that wear away our happiness?and break down different body systems.

但是，如果我沒有人可以回家怎么辦？?如果沒有人我可以打電話怎么辦？?我們發(fā)現(xiàn)，那些與世隔絕、孤獨(dú)的人，?沒有我們從良好關(guān)系中獲得的壓力調(diào)節(jié)器，我們?處于長期戰(zhàn)斗或逃跑模式，?我們的身體有這種慢性壓力、?慢性炎癥水平?和循環(huán)的壓力荷爾蒙會(huì)消磨我們的快樂?并破壞不同的身體系統(tǒng)。

Well, what kinds of relationships seem essential to well-being??And this is interesting.?We asked people?who were our original participants in our study.?We asked them,?Who could you call in the middle of the night if you were sick or scared??And many of our people could list several other people they could call?if they were in trouble.?Some people couldn't list anyone.?There wasn't a person on the planet who they could turn to?if they were sick or scared.?And what we find is that having at least one person in your life?who you feel really has your back,?who you could go to if you were in trouble,?that's essential for maintaining our happiness and our health.?When we asked these same people,?when they got to be in their 80s,?to look back on their lives?and to tell us what they were proudest of,?almost everybody said something about their relationships.?They didn't say, "I made a lot of money"?or "I won some big awards."?They said,?"I was a good mentor,"?"I was a good friend,"?"I raised healthy kids,"?"I was a good partner."?And so what we find?is that what seems to mean the most to people?when they get to the end of their lives?is the strength and the warmth of their connections to others.

那么，什么樣的關(guān)系似乎對幸福至關(guān)重要？?這很有趣。?我們詢問?了最初參與研究的人。?我們問他們，?如果你生病或害怕，你會(huì)在半夜給誰打電話？?我們的許多人可以列出其他幾個(gè)人，?如果遇到麻煩，他們可以打電話給他們。?有些人無法列出任何人。?如果他們生病或害怕，這個(gè)星球上沒有人可以求助。?我們發(fā)現(xiàn)，在你的生活中至少有一個(gè)你覺得真正支持你的人，如果你遇到麻煩可以去找誰，這對維持我們的幸福和健康至關(guān)重要。?當(dāng)我們問同樣這些人，?當(dāng)他們到了 80 多歲時(shí)，?回顧他們的生活?并告訴我們他們最自豪的是什么時(shí)，?幾乎每個(gè)人都談到了他們的關(guān)系。?他們沒有說，“我賺了很多錢”?或“我贏得了一些大獎(jiǎng)”。?他們說，?“我是一個(gè)好導(dǎo)師”，?“我是一個(gè)好朋友”，?“我養(yǎng)育了健康的孩子”，?“我是一個(gè)好伙伴”。?所以我們發(fā)現(xiàn)，?當(dāng)人們走到生命的盡頭時(shí)，對他們來說最重要的似乎是?他們與他人聯(lián)系的力量和溫暖。

So then the question comes up, well,?which types of relationships support our well-being??Some people have asked,?"Do I need to be in an intimate relationship to get this benefit?"?Absolutely not.?All types of relationships support our well-being.?So friendships, relatives,?work colleagues, casual contacts.?The person who gets you your coffee every morning?at Starbucks or Dunkin' Donuts,?the person who checks you out in the grocery store,?who you see maybe every week.?Even talking to strangers has that benefit.

那么問題來了，?哪種類型的關(guān)系支持我們的幸福？?有人問：?“我需要處于親密關(guān)系中才能獲得這種好處嗎？”?絕對不。?所有類型的關(guān)系都支持我們的幸福。?所以朋友，親戚，?工作同事，偶然接觸。?每天早上在星巴克或 Dunkin' Donuts 為您送咖啡?的人，在雜貨店檢查您的人，您可能每周都會(huì)見到他。即使與陌生人交談也有這種好處。

So they did an experiment?where they assigned some people who were about to go on the subway?the task of talking to a stranger?while other people were assigned the task?of just doing their usual thing of being on their phones?or listening to music or reading.?It turned out that the people who were assigned to talk to strangers?didn't think they were going to like it,?but they turned out to be much happier at the end of the task?than the people who just rode the subway keeping to themselves.?So even talking to strangers gives us that little hit of well-being?from relationships.

所以他們做了一個(gè)實(shí)驗(yàn)?，他們給一些即將乘坐地鐵?的人分配了與陌生人交談的任務(wù)，?而其他人則被分配了一項(xiàng)任務(wù)?，就是做他們平常做的事情，比如打電話?、聽音樂或閱讀。?事實(shí)證明，被分配與陌生人交談的?人并不認(rèn)為他們會(huì)喜歡它，?但在任務(wù)結(jié)束時(shí)，他們?比那些只坐地鐵的人更快樂。?因此，即使是與陌生人交談，我們也會(huì)?從人際關(guān)系中感受到一點(diǎn)點(diǎn)幸福感。

So the question comes up:?How can we strengthen our connections with other people??And this is where we've come to think about it?as a kind of social fitness.?If we think about physical fitness,?you know, we we think, OK, I'll go to the gym,?I’ll work out, I’ll take a long walk,?I'll do something to keep myself strong and fit.?But then we come home and we don't say, I'm done,?I don't ever have to do that again.?We have the sense that physical fitness is a practice?that we need to maintain over time.?It turns out that social fitness is the same.?That in fact, our friendships,?our relationships don't just take care of themselves,?that even good relationships need tending to,?they need attention.?They need returning to them over and over again.

所以問題來了：?我們?nèi)绾渭訌?qiáng)與他人的聯(lián)系？?這就是我們開始將其?視為一種社交健身的地方。?如果我們考慮身體健康，?你知道，我們會(huì)想，好吧，我會(huì)去健身房，?我會(huì)鍛煉身體，我會(huì)走很遠(yuǎn)的路，?我會(huì)做一些讓自己強(qiáng)壯和健康的事情。?但是當(dāng)我們回到家時(shí)，我們不會(huì)說，我受夠了，?我再也不必這樣做了。?我們覺得身體健康是一種?我們需要長期保持的習(xí)慣。?事實(shí)證明，社交健身是一樣的。?事實(shí)上，我們的友誼，?我們的關(guān)系不僅僅會(huì)照顧好自己，?即使是良好的關(guān)系也需要照顧，?他們需要關(guān)注。?他們需要一遍又一遍地回到他們身邊。

So what are some ways that we can strengthen our relationships??Well, one way is to be proactive, to take the initiative.?So to reach out to a friend?and ask her to take a walk?instead of spending two more hours on your laptop?this weekend on Saturday afternoon.?Establish some routines with the people?who are most important to you.?A regular phone call or a coffee every Saturday?with someone you really want to be sure you see regularly.?Or meeting somebody at the gym.?Or having lunch with a coworker.

那么，有哪些方法可以加強(qiáng)我們的關(guān)系呢？?好吧，一種方法是積極主動(dòng)，采取主動(dòng)。?因此，本周末周六下午聯(lián)系朋友?并請她散散步?，而不是在筆記本電腦上多花兩個(gè)小時(shí)。?與對您最重要的人建立一些例程。每周六與你真正想要確保經(jīng)常見面的人通個(gè)電話或喝杯咖啡。或者在健身房遇到某人。或者和同事一起吃午飯。

The other thing we can do is liven up those long-standing relationships,?particularly like the people we live with.?You know, people we can come to take for granted,?by proposing to do something new.?Going out on a date,?just taking a walk, if that's not your usual routine.?The other thing that we know works to help people,?particularly who aren't as connected to others as they want to be,?is to connect around shared interests.?So volunteer in the community?to do something that you care about.?It might be a gardening club, it might be a bowling league,?it might be a political cause.?But to do something that you care about?because then you're with other people who care about the same thing,?and that's a natural place to start conversations?that can lead to ongoing relationships.?And finally,?get more comfortable striking up casual conversations.?That's something we can learn to be more comfortable with,?almost like exercising a muscle.

我們可以做的另一件事是讓那些長期存在的關(guān)系活躍起來，?尤其是和我們一起生活的人。?你知道，我們可以通過提議做一些新的事情來認(rèn)為理所當(dāng)然的人。?出去約會(huì)，只是散散步，如果這不是您的日?；顒?dòng)。我們知道的另一件事可以幫助人們，特別是那些沒有像他們想要的那樣與他人建立聯(lián)系的人，那就是圍繞共同的興趣建立聯(lián)系。所以在社區(qū)做志愿者做你關(guān)心的事情。它可能是一個(gè)園藝俱樂部，它可能是一個(gè)保齡球聯(lián)盟，它可能是一個(gè)政治事業(yè)。但是去做你關(guān)心的事情?因?yàn)槟菚r(shí)你和其他關(guān)心同樣事情的人在一起，?這是一個(gè)自然的開始對話的地方?，可以導(dǎo)致持續(xù)的關(guān)系。?最后，?更輕松地進(jìn)行隨意的對話。?這是我們可以學(xué)會(huì)更自在的東西，?幾乎就像鍛煉肌肉一樣。

So now,?I would like to ask you to do one of these things,?to make one of these choices that we can make every day.?I'd like you to make that choice right now.?Here’s my challenge to you:?think about someone you miss,?that you just haven't seen in a while?or you haven't had contact with,?and you'd like to make contact.?You don't even have to have a particular reason.?Now I want you to take out your phone or whatever device you use, right now,?and send that person just a little note.?It could say, "I'm just thinking of you and wanted to connect."?Or you could say something more personal to you and to your relationship.?And then watch what comes back to you.?And while we're here,?we may even have time to share with each other?some of the responses that people get when they do this.?So think of someone.?And make contact right now.?The point of this simple exercise?is to remind us that even small actions?can have ripple effects that build our well-being.?And that these are things you can do every day in the moment.

所以現(xiàn)在，?我想請你做其中一件事情，?做出我們每天都可以做出的選擇之一。?我希望你現(xiàn)在就做出選擇。?這是我對你的挑戰(zhàn)：?想一想你想念的人，?你只是有一段時(shí)間沒見過?或者你沒有聯(lián)系過，?你想聯(lián)系一下。?您甚至不必有特定的理由。?現(xiàn)在我要你拿出你的手機(jī)或任何你使用的設(shè)備，馬上，?給那個(gè)人發(fā)一張小紙條。?它可以說，“我只是在想你，想聯(lián)系你。”?或者你可以對你和你的關(guān)系說些更私人的話。?然后觀察返回給您的結(jié)果。?當(dāng)我們在這里時(shí)，?我們甚至可能有時(shí)間互相分享?人們在這樣做時(shí)得到的一些反應(yīng)。?于是想到了一個(gè)人。?并立即聯(lián)系。?這個(gè)簡單練習(xí)?的目的是提醒我們，即使是小動(dòng)作?也會(huì)產(chǎn)生漣漪效應(yīng)，從而增強(qiáng)我們的幸福感。?這些是你現(xiàn)在每天都可以做的事情。

Whitney Pennington Rodgers: One way I'd love to kick things off,?Bob, you mentioned, at the top of your talk,?that you run this Harvard Study of Adult Development?and gave us sort of a snippet of what that is.?But could you tell us a little bit more about the study,?what does it track??Why did it start, who’s in the study today?

Whitney Pennington Rodgers： Bob，你在演講的開頭提到，?我很想以一種方式開始，你主持了哈佛成人發(fā)展研究，?并給了我們一些關(guān)于它的片段。?但是你能告訴我們更多關(guān)于這項(xiàng)研究的信息?嗎？它追蹤了什么？?為什么開始，今天誰在研究？

Robert Waldinger: Absolutely.?The study started in 1938,?and it started with two groups:?a group of Harvard College undergrads,?and it started with a group of inner city boys?who were in elementary school or middle school?from really disadvantaged, troubled families.?And each study was trying to look?at how people can take healthy developmental paths.?And so the idea was not to study what goes wrong in our lives?but what goes right in our lives.?And some of the factors that contribute to helping things go well?in human development.?Needless to say, we started out with boys, all males,?but we’ve added women.?And we have more than half women now,?and we've added the second generation.?So we started out with 724 people.?Now we have over 2,000 people in our study?and we're still collecting data today.

羅伯特·沃爾丁格：當(dāng)然。?這項(xiàng)研究始于 1938 年，?從兩組開始：?一組是哈佛大學(xué)的本科生，另一組是?來自貧困家庭、正在上小學(xué)或中學(xué)的市中心男孩。?每項(xiàng)研究都試圖了解人們?nèi)绾巫呱辖】档陌l(fā)展道路。所以我們的想法不是研究我們生活中出了什么問題，而是研究我們生活中什么是對的。以及有助于幫助人類發(fā)展順利進(jìn)行的一些因素。不用說，我們從男孩開始，都是男性，但我們增加了女性。現(xiàn)在我們有超過一半的女性，?我們已經(jīng)添加了第二代。?所以我們開始時(shí)有 724 人。?現(xiàn)在我們的研究中有 2,000 多人，我們?今天仍在收集數(shù)據(jù)。

WPR: Wow.?And I know in the book you talk about ...?how the advice you offer,?the wisdom you offer is not just drawn from your own study?because of some of what you've suggested,?that you're just now starting to bring women and different generations.?And I guess could you talk about some of the other gaps?and why it's been important to also think about some?of the other studies out there on life and happiness?

WPR：哇。?我知道你在書中談到......?你提供的建議，你提供?的智慧不僅僅來自你自己的研究?，因?yàn)槟闾岢龅囊恍┙ㄗh，?你現(xiàn)在才開始給女性帶來和不同的世代。?我想你能談?wù)勂渌恍┎罹鄦幔繛槭裁纯紤]?其他一些關(guān)于生活和幸福的研究也很重要？

RW: Yes, that's a really good point,?because, particularly in this kind of research,?no single study is proof of anything.?That what we want is for different studies of different populations.?So different ethnic groups, different cultural groups,?different geographies, right??We want different studies to point in the same direction.?And that's why I'm here and I can tell you with confidence,?many studies point to all these same benefits of relationships.

RW：是的，這是一個(gè)非常好的觀點(diǎn)，?因?yàn)?，特別是在這種研究中，?沒有任何一項(xiàng)研究可以證明任何事情。?我們想要的是針對不同人群的不同研究。?不同的種族、不同的文化、?不同的地域，對吧？?我們希望不同的研究指向同一個(gè)方向。?這就是我來這里的原因，我可以自信地告訴你，?許多研究都指出了人際關(guān)系的所有這些相同的好處。

WPR: And I know you touched on the health element in your talk?and shared that there is data that reveals that we have --?that there's a strong connection between happiness and health.?What have you specifically found related to happiness and health outcomes?

WPR：我知道你在演講中提到了健康元素，?并分享說有數(shù)據(jù)表明我們擁有 -?幸福與健康之間存在密切聯(lián)系。?您具體發(fā)現(xiàn)了什么與幸福和健康結(jié)果相關(guān)？

RW: What we find is that happiness?turns out to make us age more slowly?and keep us able longer.?So the diseases of aging that happen to all of us, happen later,?sometimes they don't happen at all?in people who are happier have a greater sense of well-being.?And it's because of what I spoke about a few minutes ago,?this kind of decrease in chronic inflammation and chronic stress.?And so what we find is that -- we can't guarantee?that any one person is going to stay happier or live longer?if they have better relationships,?but we find that there are these ingredients,?just like taking care of your health --?you know, not smoking, not abusing alcohol or drugs,?exercising regularly,?getting regular health care,?having access to health care.?All of those things really matter for our health.

RW：我們發(fā)現(xiàn)，幸福?讓我們變老得更慢?，讓我們活得更久。?因此，發(fā)生在我們所有人身上的衰老疾病發(fā)生得較晚，?有時(shí)它們根本不會(huì)發(fā)生在?那些更快樂、幸福感更強(qiáng)的人身上。?這是因?yàn)槲規(guī)追昼娗罢劦降模?這種慢性炎癥和慢性壓力的減少。?所以我們發(fā)現(xiàn)——我們不能保證?任何人?如果擁有更好的人際關(guān)系就會(huì)更快樂或更長壽，?但我們發(fā)現(xiàn)有這些因素，?就像照顧你的健康一樣——?你知道，不吸煙，不酗酒或吸毒，?定期鍛煉，?獲得定期醫(yī)療保健，?獲得醫(yī)療保健。?所有這些對我們的健康都非常重要。

WPR: And you start the book with a question.?You say, "If you had to make one life choice right now?to set yourself on the path to future health and happiness,?what would it be?"?And from hearing your talk today,?we know that the right answer to that question?is to build more warm connections.?But I want to ask you about the use of the word "choice" there?and understanding more about whether or not having warm connections?is a choice that we make?or, to put it another way,?are there qualities that each of us have that maybe make us more social people?and that these are just baked into our personalities??Can we decide to be a person who makes connections?

WPR：你以一個(gè)問題開始這本書。?你說，“如果你現(xiàn)在必須做出一個(gè)人生選擇?，讓自己走上通往未來健康和幸福的道路，?那會(huì)是什么？”?從您今天的演講中，?我們知道該問題的正確答案?是建立更多溫暖的聯(lián)系。?但我想問你關(guān)于“選擇”這個(gè)詞的用法，?并更多地了解擁有溫暖的人際關(guān)系?是否是我們做出的選擇，?或者換句話說，?我們每個(gè)人是否都有可能擁有的品質(zhì)讓我們成為更多的社會(huì)人?，而這些只是融入我們的個(gè)性？?我們可以決定做一個(gè)建立聯(lián)系的人嗎？

RW: That's a really important point because we differ.?We are all different in how much connection we want and benefit from.?So some of us are introverts, and that’s just fine.?That's perfectly normal.?And introverts don't want a lot of connections.?In fact, being with a lot of people is exhausting for introverts.?And so some people just need one or two good relationships.?Everybody needs a little bit of connection.?But some people actually don't need a lot.?And so what we want to do is try to figure out for ourselves?what's right for me.?And that involves, really, just tuning in and saying,?"OK, I'm energized by being with a lot of people,?so I'm going to do that,"?or "No, I'm exhausted by being with a lot of people.?For me, you know, a quiet conversation with one person?is the most energizing thing I can do in the interpersonal realm."?And so it's really a matter of discerning what's right for each person.

RW：這一點(diǎn)非常重要，因?yàn)槲覀兇嬖诓町悺?我們想要和從中受益的聯(lián)系程度各不相同。?所以我們中的一些人性格內(nèi)向，這很好。?這是完全正常的。?內(nèi)向的人不想要太多的聯(lián)系。?事實(shí)上，和很多人在一起會(huì)讓內(nèi)向的人筋疲力盡。?所以有些人只需要一兩個(gè)良好的關(guān)系。?每個(gè)人都需要一點(diǎn)聯(lián)系。?但有些人其實(shí)不需要很多。?所以我們想做的是試著自己?弄清楚什么對我來說是正確的。?這涉及到，真的，只是調(diào)整并說，?“好吧，和很多人在一起讓我充滿活力，?所以我會(huì)這樣做，”?或者“不，和很多人在一起讓我筋疲力盡。?對我來說，你知道，在人際關(guān)系領(lǐng)域，與一個(gè)人安靜地交談?是我能做的最有活力的事情?！?所以這真的是一個(gè)辨別什么是適合每個(gè)人的問題。

WPR: And what factors have you found contribute to that??Maybe things from early in life or childhood?that might actually shape our ability to make these connections later in life?

WPR：您發(fā)現(xiàn)哪些因素對此有貢獻(xiàn)？?也許早年或童年?的事情可能會(huì)真正塑造我們在以后的生活中建立這些聯(lián)系的能力？

RW: Yes, so, many of our social skills we learn when we're growing up.?We learn it in our families,?we learn it at school and on the playground.?They can be learned, and they can be improved?as we get into adulthood.?They’re not set in stone once we’re done with childhood.?So it's really important to see the ways that, you know,?just like some of the suggestions I made,?ways that you can practice getting better at this,?because it really pays off.?But some people are not so good at this.?And they can have perfectly wonderful,?happy, healthy lives?without being social butterflies and extroverts.?And I just want to name that?so that people don't go away thinking,?"Gosh, if I'm not an extrovert, I'm out of luck."?Not true at all.?Many of our happiest people had quieter lives.

RW：是的，所以，我們在成長過程中學(xué)到的許多社交技能。?我們在家庭中?學(xué)習(xí)，在學(xué)校和操場上學(xué)習(xí)。?它們可以被學(xué)習(xí)，并且可以在?我們成年時(shí)得到改善。?一旦我們完成了童年，他們就不會(huì)一成不變。?因此，了解您知道的方法非常重要，?就像我提出的一些建議一樣?，您可以練習(xí)在這方面做得更好的方法，?因?yàn)樗_實(shí)有回報(bào)。?但有些人并不擅長這一點(diǎn)。?他們可以擁有完美、?快樂、健康的生活?，而不是社交狂和外向者。?我只想說出它的名字?這樣人們就不會(huì)想著，?“天哪，如果我不是一個(gè)外向的人，那我就不走運(yùn)了?！?根本不是真的。?我們許多最幸福的人過著平靜的生活。

WPR: And you know, I guess to the tips that you offered in the talk, you know,?you talked about how we can build warm connections,?steps that we can take.?And this idea of social fitness.?And so I'm curious how can we actually assess our social fitness,?and as you said, to sort of, understand what is right for us?in terms of how many friends to have.?And is it possible to sustain warm relationships?if you aren't really intentional in thinking about your social fitness?

WPR：你知道，我想你在談話中提供的技巧，你知道，?你談到了我們?nèi)绾谓嘏穆?lián)系，?我們可以采取的步驟。?還有這種社交健身的想法。?所以我很好奇我們?nèi)绾尾拍苷嬲u(píng)估我們的社會(huì)適應(yīng)性，正如你所說，從某種意義上說，?從擁有多少朋友的角度來看，什么對我們來說是正確的。?如果你不是真的有意考慮你的社交健康，是否有可能維持溫暖的關(guān)系？

RW: That question of how do we assess our social fitness,?it's really checking in and saying,?am I as connected as I would like to be?to other people??And if I'm not, what am I missing??So not all relationships provide us with the same stuff.?Some relationships are relationships we have because they're fun,?you know??And so they're the people I like to go out and party with.?Some relationships are the relationships that help me when I'm scared or hurting?or worried about something.?And I need someone to talk things over with.?I need a sounding board, a good advisor.?Some relationships are the people who, you know,?loan me tools when I need to fix something and I don't have the right tool?or give me a ride to the doctor.?So part of it is checking in about, what am I missing??And then seeing what might be possible?in terms of developing more of the relationships?that give us the things we want more of.

RW：關(guān)于我們?nèi)绾卧u(píng)估我們的社交適應(yīng)性?的問題，它實(shí)際上是在檢查并說，?我是否像我希望的那樣與?其他人建立聯(lián)系？?如果我不是，我錯(cuò)過了什么？?因此，并非所有關(guān)系都為我們提供相同的東西。?有些關(guān)系是我們擁有的關(guān)系，因?yàn)樗鼈兒苡腥ぃ?你知道嗎？?所以他們是我喜歡出去參加派對的人。?有些關(guān)系是在我害怕、受傷?或擔(dān)心某事時(shí)幫助我的關(guān)系。?我需要有人和我談?wù)劇?我需要一個(gè)共鳴板，一個(gè)好的顧問。?有些關(guān)系是那些人，你知道，?當(dāng)我需要修理東西但沒有合適的工具時(shí)借給我工具，?或者載我去看醫(yī)生。?所以它的一部分是檢查，我錯(cuò)過了什么？?然后看看在發(fā)展更多的關(guān)系方面有什么可能?給我們更多我們想要的東西。

WPR: And along those same lines, TED Member Tiana wants to know:?How do we define if a relationship is actually meaningful or not??I mean, it sounds like understanding what these voices are saying,?but are there other things we should pay attention to, to know if it's valuable,?if this is a warm connection?

WPR：沿著同樣的思路，TED 成員 Tiana 想知道：?我們?nèi)绾味x一段關(guān)系是否真的有意義？?我的意思是，這聽起來像是理解這些聲音在說什么，?但我們是否還應(yīng)該注意其他事情，了解它是否有價(jià)值，?是否是一種溫暖的聯(lián)系？

RW: One way to think about it?is not whether the relationship is smooth all the time,?but whether we feel that we can be authentic,?we can be ourselves in a relationship.?And obviously, we won't be the same selves?in a work relationship that we might be with our, you know, beloved sister,?you know.?But still, can I be myself in the most essential ways??Can I express myself??And can the other person express themselves??Because I think that's where --?what we really want is to feel known?and to feel seen?and not to feel like we are having to maintain a fa?ade?that hides who we are.?And so the best relationships are those where we feel we can be ourselves.

RW：一種思考方式?不是關(guān)系是否一直順暢，?而是我們是否覺得自己可以是真實(shí)的，?我們是否可以在一段關(guān)系中做自己。?很明顯，?在工作關(guān)系中，我們將不再是與我們心愛的姐姐的工作關(guān)系?。?但是，我還能以最基本的方式做我自己嗎？?我可以表達(dá)自己嗎？?對方能表達(dá)自己嗎？?因?yàn)槲艺J(rèn)為那是——?我們真正想要的是感覺被了解?和被看到?，而不是感覺我們必須維持一個(gè)?隱藏我們是誰的外觀。?因此，最好的關(guān)系是那些我們覺得可以做自己的關(guān)系。

WPR: And you talked about how, really, it's romantic relationships, friendships,?acquaintances,?I mean, all of these relationships matter.?But do you find that one of these is maybe more significant than the other,?or how do you look at them?

WPR：你談到了，真的，浪漫的關(guān)系、友誼、?熟人，?我的意思是，所有這些關(guān)系都很重要。?但是您是否發(fā)現(xiàn)其中一個(gè)可能比另一個(gè)更重要，?或者您如何看待它們？

RW: I look at it in terms of the secure attachment we think about.?Attachment is a word for being warmly, securely connected.?It’s the “Who can you call in the middle of the night if you’re sick or scared?”?So I think of it in those terms,?not necessarily the person's role, defined role in our life,?like romantic partner or boss.?But it’s the “Does this person have my back?”?And so that's, I think, the defining element?that we want to find somewhere in our world.

RW：我從我們所考慮的安全依戀的角度來看待它。?依戀是一個(gè)溫暖、牢固的聯(lián)系的詞。?這是“如果你生病或害怕，你可以在半夜給誰打電話？”?所以我用這些術(shù)語來思考它，?不一定是人的角色，我們生活中定義的角色，?比如浪漫的伴侶或老板。?但這是“這個(gè)人支持我嗎？”?所以，我認(rèn)為，這?就是我們想要在我們世界的某個(gè)地方找到的決定性元素。

WPR: So we have so many member questions coming in, Bob,?and I'm going to kind of go through a few more of them.?So TED Member Nancy wants to know if you think it’s possible?for an endemically unhappy person at some point in life to obtain happiness.

WPR：鮑勃，我們收到了很多會(huì)員問題，?我將再討論其中的一些問題。?所以 TED 成員南希想知道你是否認(rèn)為?一個(gè)普遍不快樂的人有可能在生命的某個(gè)時(shí)刻獲得幸福。

RW: Yes. And thank you for asking that question.?So we have a couple of life stories in our book,?the book contains real stories of real people.?The names are disguised to protect confidentiality.?But some of those stories are of people who have big turnarounds late in life,?people who were isolated and less happy?and in their 60s found a whole community.?One man found a community at a gym?that he never dreamed he would find.?And so the message that we get from studying these thousands of lives is:?it is never too late.?And so don't assume that it's too late for you,?even if you feel like you've not had good luck with this in the past.

RW：是的。謝謝你問這個(gè)問題。?所以我們的書中有幾個(gè)人生故事，?這本書包含真實(shí)人物的真實(shí)故事。?這些名稱經(jīng)過偽裝以保護(hù)機(jī)密。?但其中一些故事是關(guān)于那些在晚年有重大轉(zhuǎn)變的?人，那些孤立無援、不那么快樂的人?，在 60 多歲時(shí)找到了一個(gè)完整的社區(qū)。?一個(gè)人在健身房找到了一個(gè)?他從未想過會(huì)找到的社區(qū)。?因此，我們從研究這成千上萬的生命中得到的信息是：?永遠(yuǎn)不會(huì)太晚。?所以不要認(rèn)為對你來說已經(jīng)太晚了，?即使你覺得你過去沒有好運(yùn)。

WPR: Well, Bob, we're getting some questions about you.?And I want to turn to you for a second.?And I'm curious how running this study has changed the way you approach life?and your own pursuit of happiness.

WPR：鮑勃，我們收到了一些關(guān)于你的問題。?我想暫時(shí)求助于您。?我很好奇開展這項(xiàng)研究如何改變了你對待生活的方式?和你對幸福的追求。

RW: Oh, gosh.?Well, one of the things it's helped me with is the idea?that everybody has struggles in their life.?That has been so meaningful to me?because I can also look at the world and say,?"Gee, other people seem to have lives?that have it all figured out and perfect lives."?It is so helpful to know?that there isn't a person on the planet?who doesn't have struggles.?And it makes me feel less alone when I can recognize that.?And that's one of the reasons why I want to keep getting these messages out,?after having studied thousands of lives.?And I think the other thing that it's changed is my own priorities.?So I realize,?OK, I can sit here this afternoon and edit another paper?or do more work,?or I can see my friend who I haven't seen in a month.?And so I’ve become more active in taking care of my relationships,?and it makes a big difference.?So I would say that those are the two big things for me?that directing this study has changed about my life.

RW：哦，天哪。?好吧，它幫助我的一件事是?每個(gè)人在他們的生活中都有掙扎的想法。?這對我來說意義重大，?因?yàn)槲乙部梢钥粗@個(gè)世界說，?“哎呀，其他人的生活似乎都?已經(jīng)弄清楚了，生活也很完美?！?知道?地球上沒有一個(gè)人?沒有掙扎是很有幫助的。?當(dāng)我認(rèn)識(shí)到這一點(diǎn)時(shí)，它會(huì)讓我感到不那么孤單。?在研究了成千上萬的生命之后，這就是為什么我想繼續(xù)傳播這些信息的原因之一。?我認(rèn)為它改變的另一件事是我自己的優(yōu)先事項(xiàng)。所以我意識(shí)到，?好的，今天下午我可以坐在這里編輯另一篇論文?或做更多的工作，?或者我可以見見我一個(gè)月沒見的朋友。?因此，我變得更加積極地處理我的人際關(guān)系，?這產(chǎn)生了很大的不同。?所以我想說，對我來說?，指導(dǎo)這項(xiàng)研究改變了我的生活，這是兩件大事。

WPR: We have a question from TED Member Nesa.?They ask: “As a mother of two very young children,?what advice do you have for parents to build strong,?healthy relationships,?now through adulthood?"

WPR：我們有一個(gè)來自 TED 成員 Nesa 的問題。?他們問道：“作為兩個(gè)年幼孩子的母親，?您對父母在?成年后建立穩(wěn)固、健康的人際關(guān)系有何建議？”

RW: For parents,?it’s really helping your children to pay attention?to how they feel?and to learn to use their feelings with more choice.?So learning to love what they love and hang on to what they love,?even if it's not so popular.?You know, I had a mother talk to me?about how her child really loved doing improv comedy.?And he’s only 12,?and his friends don't like that.?And so we talked about how do you help your child feel supported?in loving what he loves and taking an improv class, right??So helping your kids learn that it's OK to love something?that's not the same as all the other kids in their group?and keep loving what they love.?And helping kids learn that it’s OK to be unhappy?and that that will pass,?that feelings come and go.?That it’s OK to disagree.?Families can model,?parents can model for kids.?We can have disagreements.?We can work it out and and hold on to these good relationships?even through disagreements.?Those are some of the biggest lessons we can help our children with,?about how to use their feelings?rather than kind of, be buffeted by their feelings?and ruled by their feelings.

RW：對于父母來說，?這確實(shí)可以幫助您的孩子關(guān)注?他們的感受?，并學(xué)會(huì)通過更多選擇來利用他們的感受。?所以要學(xué)會(huì)去愛他們所愛的，并堅(jiān)持他們所愛?的，即使它不那么受歡迎。?你知道，我有一位母親跟我談過?她的孩子是多么喜歡即興喜劇。?而且他只有 12 歲，?他的朋友們不喜歡這樣。?因此，我們討論了您如何幫助您的孩子?在熱愛他所愛的事物和參加即興課程時(shí)感受到支持，對嗎？?因此，幫助您的孩子了解，可以愛?與他們組中所有其他孩子不同的事物，?并繼續(xù)愛他們所愛的事物。?并幫助孩子們了解不快樂是可以的?，并且會(huì)過去，?感覺會(huì)來來去去。?可以不同意。?家庭可以做榜樣，?父母可以為孩子做榜樣。?我們可以有分歧。?我們可以解決這個(gè)問題，?即使存在分歧也能保持這些良好的關(guān)系。?這些是我們可以幫助我們的孩子的一些最重要的教訓(xùn)，?關(guān)于如何使用他們的感受?而不是一種，被他們的感受所打擊并被他們的感受所支配?。

WPR: I'm curious just where you see the study going from here.

WPR：我很好奇你從這里看到研究的進(jìn)展。

RW: We are collecting more data, even as we speak.?We are collecting more information from the children.?Almost all the original participants have passed away,?but their children are all Baby Boomers, on average.?And so we're collecting information,?including about what life was like during the pandemic.?Also collecting information about how they use social media,?which is something we've all been talking about a bit here.?And I think in terms of the future,?we see ourselves as wanting to make our data available?to more and more researchers.?So we want to collaborate, and we do collaborate,?with other research groups.?We say, come in and use our data?and ask new questions that we don’t even think to ask.?Because we have this treasure trove of information about thousands of lives.?And then we're going to make it publicly available on public websites,?because, you know, much of our work?has been funded by the federal government,?by NIH, with taxpayer money.?And so we feel a responsibility to make this information available?to other researchers?who want to ask their own questions about our data.

RW：我們正在收集更多數(shù)據(jù)，就在我們說話的時(shí)候。?我們正在從孩子們那里收集更多信息。?幾乎所有最初的參與者都已經(jīng)去世，?但平均而言，他們的孩子都是嬰兒潮一代。?因此，我們正在收集信息，?包括大流行期間的生活情況。?還收集有關(guān)他們?nèi)绾问褂蒙缃幻襟w的信息，?這是我們在這里一直在談?wù)摰氖虑椤?我認(rèn)為就未來而言，?我們認(rèn)為自己希望讓?越來越多的研究人員可以使用我們的數(shù)據(jù)。?所以我們想與其他研究小組合作，我們確實(shí)在合作。?我們說，進(jìn)來并使用我們的數(shù)據(jù)?并提出我們甚至不想問的新問題。?因?yàn)槲覀儞碛嘘P(guān)于成千上萬人生命的信息寶庫。?然后我們將在公共網(wǎng)站上公開它，?因?yàn)椋阒?，我們的大部分工?都是由聯(lián)邦政府、?NIH 用納稅人的錢資助的。?因此，我們感到有責(zé)任將這些信息提供?給其他?想就我們的數(shù)據(jù)提出自己問題的研究人員。

WPR: Well, Bob, you’ve shared so many great things with us.?You know, I feel like if people were listening?and trying to absorb all of it,?and at the very end of this conversation?you want just one nugget of information, that if you missed everything,?what is the one thing that you want everyone to walk away from,?at the end of this conversation?

WPR：嗯，Bob，你和我們分享了很多很棒的東西。?你知道，我覺得如果人們在傾聽?并試圖吸收所有這些，?在這次談話的最后?你只需要一點(diǎn)信息，如果你錯(cuò)過了一切，?你希望每個(gè)人都知道的一件事是什么走開，?在這次談話結(jié)束時(shí)？

RW: That if you want to make one choice today?that will make you healthier and happier,?it is to pay attention to improving your connections with other people.?That that is such a good investment, and it will pay off for years to come.

RW：如果你今天想做出一個(gè)?讓你更健康、更快樂的選擇，?那就是注意改善你與他人的聯(lián)系。?那是一項(xiàng)很好的投資，它將在未來幾年得到回報(bào)。