How to Control Your Emotions During a Difficult Conversation

by?Amy Gallo

It’s hard not to get worked up emotionally when you’re in a tense conversation. After all, a disagreement can feel like a threat. You’re afraid you’re going to have to give up something — your point of view, the way you’re used to doing something, the notion that you’re right, or maybe even power – and your body therefore ramps up for a fight by triggering the sympathetic nervous system. This is a natural response, but the problem is that our bodies and minds aren’t particularly good at discerning between the threats presented by not getting your way on the project plan and, say, being chased down by a bear. Your heart rate and breathing rate spike, your muscles tighten, the blood in your body moves away from your organs, and you’re likely to feel uncomfortable.

人們?cè)诰o張的談話中，通常難以保持心平氣和。畢竟，意見分歧會(huì)讓人感到一種威脅。你害怕自己將不得不放棄一些東西，比如：自己的觀點(diǎn)、習(xí)慣的做法、自認(rèn)為正確的理念，抑或是權(quán)力——身體會(huì)因此血脈僨張，交感神經(jīng)系統(tǒng)處于戰(zhàn)備狀態(tài)，一觸即發(fā)。這是一種自然反應(yīng)，問題是我們的身體和大腦并不特別擅長(zhǎng)識(shí)別，往往將你在項(xiàng)目計(jì)劃中所面臨的壓力等同于你正在被一只熊窮追猛趕。你的心率和呼吸頻率上升，肌肉收緊，體內(nèi)的血液游離于器官，可能令你感到不適。

None of this puts you in the right frame of mind to resolve a conflict. If your body goes into “fight or flight” mode or what Dan Goleman called “amygdala hijack,” you may lose access to the prefrontal cortex, the part of your brain responsible for rational thinking. And making rational decisions is precisely what you need to do in a difficult conversation. Not only are you losing the ability to think clearly but chances are your counterpart notices the signs of stress — your face turning red, the pace of your speech speeding up — and, because of?mirror neurons?that cause us to “catch” the emotions of another person, your colleague is likely to start feeling the same way. Before you know it, the conversation has derailed and the conflict intensifies.

上述這種狀況不利于形成解決沖突的正確心態(tài)。一旦你的身體進(jìn)入“戰(zhàn)斗或逃跑”模式，或者如同丹·格曼（DanGoleman）所說的“杏仁核劫持”（amygdala hijack）形態(tài)，前額葉皮層可能會(huì)關(guān)閉，這是大腦負(fù)責(zé)理性思考的區(qū)域，而在一場(chǎng)話不投機(jī)的交談中，你所需要的恰恰是做出合理決定。你不僅會(huì)喪失清晰思考的能力，同時(shí)，對(duì)手很可能已注意到了你的壓力信號(hào)——臉變紅了，講話速度加快，而且，由于鏡像神經(jīng)元可使我們“捕捉”另一個(gè)人的情緒，你的同事可能也會(huì)有同樣的感覺。還沒等你察覺到，談話已經(jīng)中斷，沖突加劇了。

Luckily, it’s possible to interrupt this physical response, manage your emotions, and clear the way for a productive discussion. There are several things you can do to keep your cool during a conversation or to calm yourself down if you’ve gotten worked up.

幸運(yùn)的是我們有可能阻斷身體不良反應(yīng)、控制情緒，并為一次富有成效的討論掃清道路。在談話中，如果情緒激動(dòng)，你可以做一些事情讓自己冷靜下來。

Breathe. Simple mindfulness techniques can be your best friend in tense situations and none is more straightforward and accessible than using your breath. So when you start noticing yourself getting tense, try to focus on breathing. Notice the sensation of air coming in and out of your lungs. Feel it pass through your nostrils or down the back of your throat. This will take your attention off the physical signs of panic and keep you centered.?Some mindfulness experts suggest counting your breath?— either inhaling and exhaling for a count of 6, for example, or just counting each exhale until you get to 10 and then starting again.

呼吸。在緊張的情況下，簡(jiǎn)單的正念技巧可成為你最好的朋友，沒有比使用呼吸更簡(jiǎn)單、更容易理解的了。所以當(dāng)你開始注意到自己變得緊張時(shí)，試著將關(guān)注點(diǎn)轉(zhuǎn)移到呼吸上。注意空氣從你肺部流出的感覺，體會(huì)空氣穿過鼻孔，或者喉嚨后部時(shí)的清涼。這會(huì)把你的側(cè)重點(diǎn)從恐慌的身體跡象上引開，集中注意力。一些正念專家建議計(jì)算呼吸次數(shù)，例如吸氣六次，呼氣六次，或只計(jì)算呼氣次數(shù)，到達(dá)十次后再重新開始計(jì)算。

Focus on your body. Sitting still when you’re having a difficult conversation can make the emotions build up rather than dissipate. Experts say that standing up and walking around helps to activate the thinking part of your brain. If you and your counterpart are seated at a table, you may be hesitant to suddenly stand up. Fair enough. Instead, you might say, “I feel like I need to stretch some. Mind if I walk around a bit?” If that still doesn’t feel comfortable, you can do small physical things like crossing two fingers or placing your feet firmly on the ground and noticing what the floor feels like on the bottom of your shoes. Mindfulness experts call this “anchoring.”?It can work in all kinds of stressful situations. For example, for a long time I was afraid of flying,?but?I found that counting while touching each of my fingers with my thumb helped to get me out of my rumination mode.

關(guān)注身體。當(dāng)你覺得談話難以進(jìn)行下去時(shí)，靜靜地坐著可以提振情緒，而非令人氣餒。專家說，站起來走動(dòng)可以激活大腦的思維專區(qū)。如果你和對(duì)方都坐在桌子旁，也許不好意思突然站起來。這情有可原。不過，你可以說，“我覺得需要抻一抻，介意我稍微走動(dòng)一下嗎？”如果還不舒服的話，你可以做一些小的身體動(dòng)作，比如兩個(gè)手指交叉，或者把腳牢牢放在地上，注意鞋子踩著地板的感覺，正念專家稱之為“錨定”，對(duì)克服各種壓力都有效。例如，有一段時(shí)間我很害怕飛行，但是我發(fā)現(xiàn)，用大拇指撫摸每個(gè)手指數(shù)數(shù)的方法，可以幫助我脫離沉思模式。

Try saying a mantra. This is a piece of advice I’ve gotten from Amy Jen Su, managing partner of?Paravis Partners?and coauthor of?Own the Room.?She recommends coming up with a phrase that you can repeat to yourself to remind you to stay calm. Some of her clients have found “Go to neutral” to be a helpful prompt. You can also try “This isn’t about me,” “This will pass,” or “This is about the business.”

試著念念咒語，這是艾米·蘇（AmyJen Su）給我的忠告，她是 Paravis伙伴公司的執(zhí)行合伙人，曾與人合作撰寫《辦公室之主》（Own the Room）一書。她建議你可以反復(fù)默念一句話，提醒自己保持冷靜。她的一些客戶發(fā)現(xiàn)“中庸之道”不失為有益的提示。你也可以嘗試說“這與我個(gè)人無關(guān)”“事情會(huì)過去的”或者“這只是一項(xiàng)業(yè)務(wù)”。

Acknowledge and label your feelings. Another useful tactic comes from Susan David, author of?Emotional Agility. When you’re feeling emotional, “the attention you give your thoughts and feelings crowds your mind; there’s no room to examine them,” she says. To distance yourself from the feeling,?label it. “Call a thought a thought and an emotion an emotion,” says David.?He is so wrong about that and it’s making me mad?becomes?I’m having the thought that my coworker is wrong, and I’m feeling anger.?Labeling like this allows you to see your thoughts and feelings for what they are: “transient sources of data that may or may not prove helpful.” When you put that space between these emotions and you, it’s easier to let them go — and not bury them or let them explode.

承認(rèn)并標(biāo)記你的感受。另一個(gè)有用的策略來自蘇珊·戴維（Susan David）——《情感靈敏度》（Emotional Agility）一書的作者。她說，當(dāng)你感覺情緒化時(shí)，“關(guān)注對(duì)象充斥著你的思想和感覺，你沒有精力再去審視它們”。為了遠(yuǎn)離這種感覺，不妨給它們貼上標(biāo)簽。戴維說，“思想是思想，情感是情感?！蓖洛e(cuò)得離譜，讓我很生氣，這種看法讓我認(rèn)為他做得不對(duì)，我感到憤怒。像這樣的標(biāo)簽可以讓你分清自己的想法和感受：“短暫的情緒處理可能是有效的。”當(dāng)你把這些情緒分門別類之后，就更容易控制它們，而不是被它們搞得焦頭爛額，或任其爆發(fā)。

Take a break. In my experience, this is a far-underused approach. The more time you give yourself to process your emotions, the less intense they are likely to be. So?when things get heated, you may need to excuse yourself for a moment — get a cup of coffee or a glass of water, go to the bathroom, or take a brief stroll around the office. Be sure?to give a neutral reason for why you want to stand up and pause the conversation — the last thing you want is for your counterpart to think that things are going so badly you’re desperate to escape. Try saying something like, “I’m sorry to interrupt you, but I’d love to get a quick cup of coffee before we continue. Can I get you something while I’m up?”

休息一下。以我的經(jīng)驗(yàn)，這是一個(gè)遠(yuǎn)未被充分利用的方法。你給自己處理情緒的時(shí)間越多，越能緩解緊張情緒。因此，當(dāng)事情變得白熱化時(shí)，你可能需要找個(gè)借口——喝杯咖啡或喝杯水，去洗手間，或者在辦公室里漫步一會(huì)兒。一定要給出一個(gè)中立無害的理由，說明你為什么要站起來，暫停談話——你最不想做的就是讓對(duì)方認(rèn)為事情變得如此糟糕，以至于你不顧一切地想要逃離。試著說一句，“很抱歉打斷你，但我想在我們繼續(xù)之前喝杯咖啡。我能幫你帶點(diǎn)什么嗎？”

Keep in mind that you’re probably not the only one who’s upset. Your counterpart is likely to express anger or frustration too. While you may want to give them the above advice, no one wants to be told they need to breathe more deeply or take a break. So you may be in a situation where you just need to let the other person vent. That’s usually easier said than done though. It’s hard not to yell back when you’re being attacked, but that’s not going to help. Jeanne Brett, a professor of dispute resolution and negotiations at Kellogg School of Management, suggests visualizing your coworker’s words going over your shoulder, not hitting you in the chest.?But don’t act aloof; it’s important to show that you’re listening. If you don’t feed your counterpart’s negative emotion with your own, it’s likely they will wind down.

記住，你或許不是唯一一個(gè)心煩意亂的人，你的對(duì)手可能也想表達(dá)憤怒或沮喪。雖然你想給他們上述建議，但沒有人希望被告知他們需要深呼吸或者休息一下，所以此時(shí)你只需要讓對(duì)方發(fā)泄出來就行。這通常說起來容易做起來難。當(dāng)你受到攻擊時(shí)，很容易情緒激動(dòng)，但那不會(huì)有任何幫助。凱洛格管理學(xué)院的爭(zhēng)議解決和談判教授簡(jiǎn)尼·布萊特（Jeanne Brett）建議你設(shè)身處地為同事著想，而不是迎面沖突。但不要表現(xiàn)得冷漠，重要的是讓別人知道你在傾聽。如果你不是在糟糕的情緒下與對(duì)方針鋒相對(duì)，他們很可能會(huì)讓步。

Let’s face it. Conflicts with coworkers can be tough. But you’re not going to solve the underlying issues or maintain a positive relationship if you barrel through the conversation when you’re completely worked up. Hopefully, these five tactics will help you move from angry and upset to cool as a cucumber.

讓我們面對(duì)現(xiàn)實(shí)。與同事沖突可能很棘手，但是，在談話中情緒激動(dòng)，并不能解決潛在問題，也無法保持良性關(guān)系。希望以上五種策略能幫助你在憤怒和沮喪中恢復(fù)冷靜。

艾米·伽羅（Amy Gallo)| 文? 時(shí)青靖 | 編輯

艾米·伽羅是《哈佛商業(yè)評(píng)論》的特約編輯，也是《哈佛商業(yè)評(píng)論指南：處理工作沖突》的作者。她的寫作和討論主題是職場(chǎng)動(dòng)態(tài)。