For years going home for the holidays has been bittersweet. I appreciate the opportunity to spend quality time with my mom but it is painful for me to see her house littered with stuff :clothes bought but never worn, and new items in their original packaging carelessly purchased and never used. It's evident that seeing the stuff on a daily basis reminds my mom of a time when shopping was her way of spending money.

I didn't fully understand the extent to which my mom was suffering until this week, when I saw piles of clothes on her bed."How do you manage to sleep every night with all that stuff, Mom?” I asked. To my horror, she replied,“Because I know I have to get rid of all this stuff eventually; I am punishing myself by sleeping with them until I do that.”Shocked and upset, I gently explained to her that punishing herself was only to make things worse, and that everybody deserves a place to sleep in peace, no matter what mistakes they've made. I suggested she move all the stuff upstairs, leaving her room comfortable to sleep in.

With patience and her slow but steady guidance, I helped her go through some of the piles and move them upstairs.For the rest of the week when I stayed there, she was in a better mood and was excited about going through the rest of the house to finally get rid of her stuff—past mistakes and painful times. The items brought back painful memories as we inspected and moved them,but I kept reminding her that removing them would allow her to move on and heal. We finally sold so many things and took bag after bag to charities.

The stuff is just a sign of the destructive patterns of self-hatred for past mistakes. Only through the act of self-forgiveness can we bring about a chain reaction of reorganizing—both of the house and heart.?