——你知道我也曾有試著努力愛我自己

Wilbur’s “Your City Gave Me Asthma”, an ode to what once was

You know I’ve tried hard to love me too

By Lily Low

Medium

For those who are unfamiliar with the gaming and YouTube scene, Wilbur Soot (or Will) is a British musician and content creator. He is now most notably known as a Twitch streamer, since his time of being the co-founder and editor of the YouTube channel SootHouse. He is also part of the DreamSMP, a survival multiplayer Minecraft server started by fellow content creator Dream (and the Dream Team). Aside from his solo album and comedy songs, Wilbur is also the lead singer and part of the British indie band, Lovejoy.

為那些不大熟悉游戲或YouTube領(lǐng)域的人介紹，Wilbur Soot（或稱Will）是一位英國音樂家和內(nèi)容創(chuàng)作者。他現(xiàn)在最被人所熟知的身份是一名Twitch主播，啟程自他與人共創(chuàng)YouTube頻道SootHouse并為其剪輯的時(shí)光。他也是DreamSMP的成員，那是一個(gè)由內(nèi)容創(chuàng)作者Dream（和Dream Team）創(chuàng)建的Minecraft多人服務(wù)器。除了他的個(gè)人專輯和喜劇歌曲之外，Wilbur還是英國獨(dú)立樂隊(duì)Lovejoy的主唱。

(P.S. I actually really enjoy their music, so I highly recommend you to stream Lovejoy everywhere!)

（P.S.我真的很喜歡他們的音樂，所以我強(qiáng)烈建議你播點(diǎn)Lovejoy來聽聽！）

In a recent Just Chatting livestream (henceforth referred to as “the livestream”), Wilbur shared the background behind the tracks of his album Your City Gave Me Asthma. Though he has said that he doesn’t feel like this is ‘his’ album anymore (dedicated more to his audience rather than his own), I wanted to share my reflections on the lyrics of these 7 tracks.

在最近的談天說地區(qū)直播中（以下簡稱為“直播”），Wilbur分享了一些他的個(gè)人專輯《Your City Gave Me Asthma{你的城市給我?guī)硐瓆》中歌曲的背景。盡管他說他感覺它已經(jīng)不再是“他”的專輯了（更多屬于他的聽眾而不是他自己了），我還是想要分享一些我關(guān)于那七首歌歌詞的想法。

You can listen to Your City Gave Me Asthma here.

你可以在這里聽《Your City Gave Me Asthma》

Trigger warning: Discussions of mental health, suicide, anxiety, self-worth

觸發(fā)預(yù)警：關(guān)于心理健康、自殺、焦慮、自我價(jià)值的討論

Jubilee Line

The title of this album is from a lyric in this track (Your city gave me asthma, So that’s why I’m fucking leaving). I adored this song the most, in terms of the underlying message behind it and its tune (I’m a sucker for a good tune I can immediately belt my heart out to).

專輯的名字來自于這首歌的一句歌詞 （Your city gave me asthma, So that’s why I’m fucking leaving {你的城市給我?guī)硐晕乙麐岆x開} ）。就它背后隱含的意蘊(yùn)和它的曲調(diào)而言，我最喜歡這首歌（我對好的曲調(diào)著迷，我可以將我的心與它們快速相連）。

“Jubilee Line” refers to one of the stations in London’s underground tube. I’m uncertain if this particular station was where Wilbur made his observations, but he describes what he observed from his experience on the tube.

“Jubilee Line”涉及的倫敦地鐵中的車站。我不確定這個(gè)特定的車站是否就是Wilbur進(jìn)行觀察的地點(diǎn)，但他確是描述了他在地鐵上觀察到的內(nèi)容。

Jubilee Line addresses the incidents of people committing suicide on the train tracks of the underground tube. The line There’s a reason that London puts barriers on the tube line is vital to this story, as this was the authorities’ response to these suicide cases. “Instead of getting better mental health services, all they did was put barriers in front of the rails. Did it really work though? I don’t think it does, because people still end up killing themselves,” he commented.

Jubilee Line談?wù)摿巳藗冊诘罔F軌道上自殺的時(shí)間。There’s a reason that London puts barriers on the tube line{倫敦在地鐵線上設(shè)障礙是有原因的}的歌詞在這個(gè)故事里至關(guān)重要，因?yàn)檫@是政府對那些自殺時(shí)間的應(yīng)對回復(fù)。“他們沒有增進(jìn)心理健康服務(wù)，他們所做的一切就只是在欄桿中間建障礙。但這真的有用嗎？我不這么認(rèn)為，因?yàn)槿藗內(nèi)匀辉谧詺ⅲ彼u論道。

In the same livestream, Wilbur also shared that he noticed the public’s “disconnect from humanity.” People were more annoyed that they were going to be late to their destination, rather than the fact that someone felt that their only way out was to take their life. The tone of this song feels like a lament of how people have become numb to the human experience and what is going on around them.

在同場直播中，Wilbur還分享到他注意到了公眾的“與人類脫節(jié)”。人們對他們要遲到自己的目的地了感到更惱火，而不是有人感到他們唯一的出路是結(jié)束他們的生命。這首歌的曲調(diào)讓人感到像一種對人們對人們的經(jīng)歷和他們正在發(fā)生的事麻木的哀嘆。

Whose fault is it? The city? The authorities? The people?

這是誰的錯(cuò)？這座城市？當(dāng)局？人群？

All I know is that I’m grateful this track exists because it still is a timely reminder that we can do more to increase the accessibility (and quality) of mental health services.

我所知道的只是我很感謝這首歌的存在，因?yàn)樗且粋€(gè)對我們可以為提高心理健康服務(wù)的易接近性（和質(zhì)量）做更多工作的及時(shí)提醒。

Saline Solution

I think this time I’m dying

I’m not melodramatic

I’m just pragmatic beyond any reasoning

{我想這回我要死了

我沒在聳人聽聞

我很實(shí)際地這樣想}

Wilbur refers to Saline Solution as the track that still applies today (commenting on the other tracks, he said that those sentiments represented how he felt at the time — but no longer applies to him). The lyrics of this track are Wilbur’s thoughts on dealing with his hypochondria. Essentially, being a hypochondriac is defined as “having an unrealistic fear that they have a serious medical condition or fear that they’re at high risk of becoming ill.”

Wilbur說Saline Solution是一首至今適用的歌曲（在另一首歌的評論區(qū)，他說那些表達(dá)代表著他在創(chuàng)作當(dāng)時(shí)的感受——但不再適用于現(xiàn)在的他了）。這首歌的歌詞是Wilbur關(guān)于應(yīng)對他的疑病癥的想法。本質(zhì)上講，疑病癥被定義為“有一種對他們陷入了某種嚴(yán)重的健康情況或者他們有很大的生病的風(fēng)險(xiǎn)的不真實(shí)的恐懼。”

In the livestream, Wilbur shared that he’s had health anxiety his entire life: “Since I was a little kid, it’s a part of me. [There are] A lot of ways to cope, they work differently for different stages of my life.” (If you are interested to know more, Wilbur has also shared about this in an interview with heyitsjoe.)

在這場直播中，Wilbur分享說他的整個(gè)人生都有這樣的健康焦慮：“從我還是一個(gè)孩子的時(shí)候開始，這就是我的一部分了。有很多方法可以應(yīng)對它，他們在我生活的不同階段不同地作用著?！保ㄈ绻阆肓私飧?，Wilbur在一場和heyitsjoe的采訪中做了一些于此相關(guān)的分享。）

Saline solution to all your problems. I’m not going to lie, I Googled “saline solution” because I wanted to confirm if I had a correct understanding of what it’s used for (totally not because I didn’t know what it was). Saline solution has multiple uses, but it is known for cleaning wounds, cleaning sinuses, and treating dehydration. Is this a metaphorical depiction of slapping on a plaster and accepting it, or taking something to solve it but you kind of have to keep on doing it? It feels more like the latter. Wilbur has always lived with his health anxiety, but he has found ways to cope with and work around it.

Saline solution to all your problems. {生理鹽水能解決你的所有問題} 我說真的，我谷歌了“saline solution”，因?yàn)槲蚁氪_認(rèn)我有沒有對它的用途有個(gè)正確的理解（完全是因?yàn)槲也恢浪鞘裁矗?。生理鹽水有很多用途，最多被了解的是被用以清理傷口、清潔鼻竇和治療脫水。它是一個(gè)拍一拍石膏然后接受它的隱喻，還是采取一些解決措施但你又有點(diǎn)必須一直這么干？感覺它更像后者。Wilbur一直伴著他的健康情況焦慮生活，但他已經(jīng)找到了應(yīng)對和繞過它的方法。

Since I Saw Vienna

The roads are my home as horizon’s my target

{我腳下的路是我的家，地平線是我的目的地}

“[Since I Saw Vienna] is about travelling, and the feeling of being with someone but still feeling lonely,” Wilbur shared in the livestream.

“《Since I Saw Vienna》關(guān)于旅行，以及在和人待在一起卻仍覺得孤獨(dú)的感覺。”Wilbur在直播中分享到。

When I listen to this track, it feels wistful and longing.

當(dāng)我聽到這首歌的時(shí)候，我感到一種徒然與渴望感。

Longing for what exactly, I wasn’t entirely sure.

至于是在渴望什么，我不能完全確定。

I’m not a man of substance and so I’ll pretend to be a wanderer. Wilbur shared about his tendency of moving from one place to the next: “I’m a big mover, I don’t normally stick with things very long.” We’ve always been told that we will enjoy ourselves the most in our 20’s, but I also feel like our 20’s involves a whole lot of exploring and figuring stuff out (e.g. how we can pay our bills, finding the right job, maintaining our income, our lifestyle, where do we want to settle down, are we even open to settling down?).

I’m not a man of substance and so I’ll pretend to be a wanderer.{我不是個(gè)有錢人，所以我假裝成一個(gè)流浪者}Wilbur分享了他對從一個(gè)地方搬到另一個(gè)地方的的偏好：“我是一個(gè)大行動(dòng)者，我一般不會(huì)很長時(shí)間堅(jiān)持維持什么?！蔽覀冇肋h(yuǎn)在被告知我們在二十來歲的很多時(shí)候會(huì)自我享受，但我也感覺我們二十多歲有著許多探索與搞明白事物（比如怎樣付清賬單，找到合適的工作，存下收入，我們的生活節(jié)奏，我們想在哪里安頓下來，甚至是我們愿意安頓下來嗎？）。

This track made me reflect on these past few years of me trying to figure out my academic path and career. In short, I have felt extremely lost. Though thankfully I now have a better idea of my potential, I am still working through the effects and feelings I had of suddenly being pulled out of a purpose (read: prior academic major) that now feels foreign to me.

這首歌讓我開始細(xì)細(xì)回顧我過去的試著搞清我的學(xué)習(xí)和事業(yè)道路的幾年。簡而言之，我曾感到極度迷失。即便幸好我現(xiàn)在對我的潛力有了更好的認(rèn)知，我依然在對抗突然被從一個(gè)如今已經(jīng)十分陌生的目標(biāo)（注：之前的專業(yè)）中扯出來的影響與感覺。

Losing Face

“[Losing Face] is about being broken up with. I was told to wait for them, but they immediately got with someone else. That was my realisation that I had to move on as well,” Wilbur shared.

“《Losing Face》是關(guān)于分手的。ta叫我等，但ta立馬和別人在一起了。然后我意識(shí)到我也要放下了，”Wilbur分享道。

This track is a dedication to a relationship in Wilbur’s past that has left him understandably bitter (or salty, as the young’uns would say). Through his lyrics, he rants about the new person in his place, asking Is he better than me? Has he seen more to this life?

這是一首獻(xiàn)給Wilbur曾經(jīng)的一段留給他苦澀（或者咸，就像年輕人常說的那樣）的關(guān)系的歌。在他的歌詞里他咆哮著取代他位置的新人，問著他比我更好嗎？他對這生活比我有更多見地嗎？

Oh, what could have been

If you didn’t go and fall in love

And ruin everything

{一切會(huì)是怎樣

如果你沒有離開、沒有墜入愛河

也沒有毀掉一切}

This track is a very honest detailing of the typical elements of a sour split: the break-up itself, the feelings about said breakup, what the person now feels about their ex-lover, their reflection on “the new guy” (or “the replacement”), lamenting about the relationship that once was, and needing to accept that this is how it is now (that his ex-lover has moved on) but not wanting to. There is a lot of mixed feelings expressed in this track, and lines like As long as you’re happy, I don’t care shows that.

這首歌非常誠摯地列述了一場酸澀的分手的典型元素：分手本身、關(guān)于分手的情緒、人們對他們前任的現(xiàn)今感受、他們對“那個(gè)新家伙”的反應(yīng)（或者說是對“取代”）、對曾經(jīng)存在過的這段關(guān)系的悲傷，以及需要接受事情就這樣（前任已經(jīng)離開）了但不想接受。這首歌混雜包含著很多情緒，譬如As long as you’re happy, I don’t care. {只要你幸福，我不在乎} 就有體現(xiàn)。

When we go through a breakup, we do ‘lose’ a part of us. If the relationship ended on somewhat civil/mutual terms, maybe the parties will end up being mutual friends. However, most relationships coming to an end do signify not only the end of the relationship — but for the time being, the friendship as well. And if the relationship had a less-than-pleasant ending?

Well… I’ve lost a piece of me in you, But you’ve lost all your past.

當(dāng)我們歷經(jīng)一次分手，我們確“失去”我們的某一部分。如果一段關(guān)系以某種禮貌/相互的原因結(jié)束，也許兩個(gè)人最后仍能做朋友。但是大多數(shù)關(guān)系的結(jié)束不僅意味著這段戀愛關(guān)系的終局——還暫時(shí)意味著友誼的離去。那么如果這段關(guān)系以一段不太愉快的方式結(jié)束呢？

那……I’ve lost a piece of me in you, But you’ve lost all your past. {我失去了我身上的一部分給你，但你失去了你的所有過去。

Your Sister Was Right

“I was a bad person, reckless with others’ hearts.”

“我是個(gè)糟糕的人，只會(huì)毫無顧忌地傷人的心”

The previous track was about an ex-lover betraying Wilbur’s trust, but Your Sister Was Right is about how he wasn’t exactly a stellar lover in another relationship: And I don’t deserve you, You deserve the world. The track started with Wilbur’s reflection on how his view on relationships (or the pursuit of one) has changed from before: I thought I couldn’t love anymore, Turns out I can’t, Not for the same reasons as before. This is very relatable, as we often change (e.g. either having more self-awareness, trying to piece back what was lost, completely reinventing ourselves, or becoming numb and afraid of commitment) after being in or leaving a relationship.

上一首歌關(guān)于Wilbur的前任背叛了他的新人，但《Your Sister Was Right》是關(guān)于他在另一段關(guān)系中作為一個(gè)愛人的不出色：And I don’t deserve you, You deserve the world. {而我配不上你，你值得整個(gè)世界的一切} 這首歌以Wilbur對他面對情感關(guān)系（或?qū)ζ涞淖穼ぃ┑挠^念的轉(zhuǎn)變的想法為開頭：I thought I couldn’t love anymore, Turns out I can’t, Not for the same reasons as before. {我以為我不能再愛了，而事實(shí)正是如此，和以往的原因都不一樣} 這很能讓人共情，因?yàn)樵陂_始或結(jié)束一段關(guān)系之后，我們總會(huì)改變（不是有更多的自我認(rèn)知、想要修好曾經(jīng)失去的東西、完全改頭換面了，就是變得麻木又恐懼承諾了）。

Through this track, Wilbur talks about how he treated his partner poorly: I ostracise the ones who love me back. He also affirms that the warnings given about him were right: I hate to say it but your sister was right, I’m nothing but a problem, leave you crying overnight.

在這首歌里，Wilbur談到了他如何糟糕地對待他的戀人：I ostracise the ones who love me back. {我排斥以愛回應(yīng)我的人} 他還肯定了那些關(guān)于他的警告：I hate to say it but your sister was right, I’m nothing but a problem, leave you crying overnight. {我不想承認(rèn)，但你的姐妹說的是對的，我除了是個(gè)麻煩外什么也不是，只會(huì)讓你整夜落淚}

The first verse tackles Wilbur’s viewpoint of how he felt (or how he acted) in relationships. The second verse is his reflection on how he felt unworthy of the person he was with. The third verse lists out the points that made him a bad partner, through the judgment of his ex-lover’s sister. Overall, Wilbur admits his past mistakes and he closes this chapter.

第一段主歌講述了Wilbur對他在關(guān)系中的感受（或行為）的看法。第二段講述了他對他覺得自己配不上和自己在一起的人的想法。第三段列出了他是一個(gè)糟糕的戀人的緣由，通過講述前任的姐妹對他的評價(jià)?？偟膩碚f，Wilbur承認(rèn)了他過去的錯(cuò)誤，并翻過了這一頁走了出去。

La Jolla

When I first listened to this album, the song that was initially stuck in my head was La Jolla. Wilbur shares that this track is about him wanting to leave the U.K. and wanting to travel to see the world. Relating back to Since I Saw Vienna and his habit of hopping from one city to another, he dreams of leaving to start over somewhere new.

當(dāng)我第一次聽這支專輯時(shí)，立馬便扎進(jìn)我的腦袋的歌是這首La Jolla. Wilbur分享到這首歌是有關(guān)他想要離開英國、外出旅行來看看世界。再聯(lián)系到《Since I Saw Vienna》與他喜歡從一座城市跳刀另一座城市的愛好，他的確夢想著離開然后在一個(gè)新的地方從頭開始。

You know it takes a lot to move me

So if you figure it out, tell me

{你知道想要讓我走可不容易

所以如果你找到方法了，記得來告訴我}

These two lines sum up the whole “I’m a wanderer” vibe Wilbur has going on in this album. In a way, I viewed this as him going from one place to another to search for something that makes him feel passionate — something that makes him feel like he’s really living. However, the journey of self-discovery can oftentimes feel lonely:

這兩句歌詞完全概括了Wilbur在這只專輯的那種“我是個(gè)漫游者”的氛圍。在某種程度上，我把這看作是他從一個(gè)地方去另一個(gè)地方以找到讓他感到熱烈的東西——某種能讓他感覺自己真正活著的東西。然而，這場自我追尋的旅行有時(shí)候會(huì)有些孤獨(dú)：

You know I’ve tried hard to love me too

It always seems to fall in through

{你知道我也曾有試著努力愛我自己

但似乎永遠(yuǎn)都會(huì)失敗}

Maybe one day I’ll live in La Jolla. I viewed “La Jolla” as something we can substitute with any of our life goals that we may have (e.g. Maybe one day I’ll be able to have my own house / maybe one day I’ll be able to write for a living, maybe one day I’ll be able to meet you again). To me, La Jolla can be a place, something we would like to achieve, something we would like to obtain

— the ideal of where/what we hope to be one day (and no, this is not a product placement but One Day by Lovejoy is pretty great though!).

Maybe one day I’ll live in La Jolla. {也許某天我會(huì)住去拉荷亞} 我想“拉荷亞”可以是我們的任何某個(gè)人生目標(biāo)（比如也許某天我能有自己的房子/也許某天我能靠寫作生活，也許某天我能再次見到你）。對我來說，拉荷亞可以是一個(gè)地方、我們想要實(shí)現(xiàn)的某個(gè)東西，我們想要擁有的某個(gè)東西

——是一個(gè)我們想去的地方/想成為的人的理想（沒沒沒，這不是植入式廣告但Lovejoy的One Day超棒的！）

I’m Sorry Boris

In the livestream, Wilbur shared he wrote this a week before leaving London. And yes, it is the Boris that you are thinking of. In this track, Wilbur laments about the changes that has been made to the country he’s always known.

在直播中，Wilbur分享到他在離開倫敦的一周前寫下了這首歌。而是的，這就是你在以為的那個(gè)鮑里斯。在這首歌里，Wilbur寫下了對這座他一直認(rèn)識(shí)的國家被給予的改變的感慨。

And I’m sorry, but Boris, I’m leaving

I’m not good for anyone here

{對不起，但鮑里斯，我要離開了

我和這里的一切格格不入}

In La Jolla, Wilbur sings it takes a lot to move me. In this track, he answers himself, singing I figured out what can move me, It’s trains and hugs, planes and sushi.

在《La Jolla》中，Wilbur唱道想要讓我走可不容易。在這首歌里，他回答了他自己，唱著我想明白什么能讓我走了，那是火車與擁抱、飛機(jī)與壽司。

He has mixed feelings about leaving, seemingly having a love-hate relationship with London. Though the place makes him want to leave, he does not want to leave behind the people he cares about:?

他對離去有著復(fù)雜的情感，他似乎對倫敦愛恨交織。即便這個(gè)地方讓他想要離開，他也不想離開那些他在乎的人們：

And even though I’m finished, I’m not quite done with it

No matter how far I run south, I’m always there

My lovers, my colleagues, my best friends and enemies

I don’t think I want to leave you

{而即便我現(xiàn)在已經(jīng)完成了我的離開，我也沒能完全離去

無論我南遷多遠(yuǎn)，我也永遠(yuǎn)都在這里

我的愛人，我的同事，我最好的朋友和仇敵

我不認(rèn)為我想要離開你們}

With Your City Gave Me Asthma, Wilbur bids goodbye to the thoughts, people, and events of his past. These tracks now belongs to his audience, rather than something he is attached to.

用《Your City Gave Me Asthma》，Wilbur對他過去的想法、人和事物說再見。這些音樂現(xiàn)在屬于他的觀眾們了，而不再是只與他相連的東西。

This was an ode to the person he once was.

這是一支對過去之他的頌歌。

原文地址：https://lily-low.medium.com/wilburs-your-city-gave-me-asthma-an-ode-to-what-once-was-1d2c1d1b4c23

原文中提到的超鏈接：

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aqipiqO1m4U&feature=youtu.be

https://open.spotify.com/album/2d2QJv4OPOLS80tXaTCDsB?si=ktP1l8bwRm2dr8tP6Gt4ug

https://www.twitch.tv/videos/1198958405

https://www.spotify.com/int/why-not-available/

https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/9886-illness-anxiety-disorder-hypochondria-hypochondriasis

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FFGpGKFd_Ec&feature=youtu.be

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WXqbR-h5VMY&feature=youtu.be

因?yàn)楹芟敕窒鞼ilbur談的關(guān)于《Your City Gave Me Asthma》的創(chuàng)作背景和文章里作者對歌曲的這些很美的想法所以翻譯啦，事實(shí)證明我對這些脫離口語化的優(yōu)美的遣詞造句的翻譯和措辭還是太爛了，望各位大人別吃吐嗚嗚……