Yes Prime Minister S01E06?

A Victory for Democracy

Hacker: I was on the receiving end of some frightful pressure from the American ambassador at that drinkies do last night.

Bernard: Ah.

Hacker: That they'd heard about my plan to cancel Trident.

Bernard: Ah.

Hacker: See was that the American defence industries are among the biggest contributors to the President's party funds.

Bernard: Ah.

Hacker: He said we had a big problem in East Yemen.

Bernard: Ah?

Hacker: Stop saying ''ah'' like that, Bernard. I'm not your doctor.

Bernard: I'm sorry, Prime Minister.

Hacker: What is this big problem in East Yemen?

Bernard: Ah.

Hacker: Thank you, Bernard.

Bernard: I'll try to find out.

Hacker: Then he muttered about St George's Island.

Bernard: St George's Island?

Hacker: Yes. There is a St George's Island, isn't there?

Bernard: Yes, it's in the Commonwealth.

Hacker: Ah, I see, yes. THAT St George's Island. Yes. Apparently he's afraid that the Communists might try to grab it.

Bernard: What did you say?

Hacker: I said I'd have a word with the Foreign Office.

Bernard: What did he say?

Hacker: He was in a hollow laugh. Apparently the White House thinks the Foreign Office is full of pinkos and traitors.

Bernard: No, it's not. Well, not full.

Hacker: They don't want the Reds to get a strategic base like St George's Island. He spoke of putting tariffs on British exports to the USA and taxing US investment to Britain, causing a run on the pound.

Bernard: Well, you're seeing the Foreign Secretary this afternoon, can't you get him to sort it out? After all, they are on our side.

Hacker: Who are?

Bernard: The Americans.

Hacker: I thought you meant the Foreign Office.

Humphrey: So, what's the Foreign Office worried about, Dick? Haven't you got the Foreign Secretary eating out of your hand?

Richard1: Oh, yes. Completely house-trained.

Humphrey: So what's the problem?

Richard: The Prime Minister's the problem. He's starting to mistrust our advice when the Foreign Secretary gives it to him. He's even beginning to question Foreign Office policy.

Humphrey: Surely not!

Richard: We've even seen a danger of the Cabinet pursuing its own foreign policy.

Humphrey: But that's absurd. The country can't have two foreign policies!

Richard: Quite. And the PM's getting far too keen on keeping the White House happy.

Humphrey: Oh, dear, oh. So, how can I help?

Richard: Well, there are a couple of things coming up where he might need guiding in the right direction. One of them is St George's Island.

Humphrey: Ah. Oh, yes, yes, yes. Remind me, would you, Dick?

Richard: Well, as you know, it's one of the few islands in the Indian Ocean to stay in the Royal Commonwealth after independence.

Humphrey: Oh, yes, that's right. It's quite democratic too, isn't it?

Richard: Yes. Free elections and everything. But there's a group of Marxist guerrillas in the mountains somewhere, and we are getting reports they're planning a coup.

Humphrey: Well, these things will happen.

Richard: They're not thinking of starting it on their own. They are going to be helped by East Yemen.

Humphrey: East Yemen, isn't that a democracy?

Richard: Its full name is People's Democratic Republic of East Yemen.

Humphrey: Oh, I see. It's a Communist dictatorship. And the guerrillas are Soviet-backed, are they?

Richard: Yes, and Libyan-backed. So, obviously, we in the Foreign Office are planning to stay right out of it.

Humphrey: Yes, obviously.

Richard: It would only upset a load of frontline African states if we got involved.

Humphrey: And we don't want to antagonise the Soviets at this moment, do you?

Richard: Quite. And we've just landed a huge contract to build a new St George's airport and harbour installation. If we back the wrong side, we may lose the contract.

Humphrey: We don't mind which side wins, the democrats or the Marxists?

Richard: Why should we? But you see the problem. If the PM gets into one of his ghastly patriotic Churchillian moods, he may want to intervene. All that pro-British, defending democracy nonsense.

Humphrey: Oh, I know, I know.

Richard: He must understand that once you start interfering in the internal squabbles of other countries, you're on a very slippery slope. Even the Foreign Secretary has grasped that.

Humphrey: Really? So what was the other point?

Richard: The Arabs have put down a motion at the United Nations condemning Israel. Naturally, we'll be voting on the Arab side.

Humphrey: Naturally.

Richard: But I gather that the PM wants us to abstain.

Humphrey: Surely not! Why?

Richard: Something about the PLO starting it this time, faults on both sides. The usual sentimental nonsense. Sucking up to the Americans, as always. Just help him to realise that, as far as foreign affairs are concerned, his job is to confine himself to the hospitality and ceremonial role.

Humphrey: I'll do my best, but you know what happens when politicians get into Richard: Number 10. They want their place on the world stage.

People on stages are called actors. All they're required to do is look plausible, stay sober and say the lines they're given.

Humphrey: Some of them try to make up their own lines.

Richard: They don't last long.

Hacker: Well, the American ambassador had a word with me last night unofficially.

Duncan2: About what?

Hacker: What do you know about St George's Island?

Duncan: What do YOU know about it?

Hacker: Well, you're the Foreign Secretary, not me! Is there any danger of a Communist takeover?

Duncan: Well, did he say there was?

Hacker: He hinted.

Duncan: No. No chance at all. No chance at all. Of course. The Foreign Office would have told me.

Hacker: You're sure the Foreign Office always tells you everything?

Duncan: Well, everything they think I should know.

Hacker: That's what I'm afraid of. Anyway, the Americans are worried and we just can't afford to upset them at the moment.

Duncan: I'm sure we've got everything under control.

Hacker: Chamberlain thought Hitler was under control.

Duncan: Ah, well, Chamberlain.

Hacker: Eden thought Nasser was under control.

Duncan: Are you suggesting the Foreign Office doesn't know what it's doing?

Hacker: No, I am suggesting that they are not telling us what they're doing!

Duncan: That's absurd. They always give me a full answer to any questions that I ask.

Hacker: And what about the questions you don't ask?

Duncan: Such as?

Hacker: Such as about St George's Island.

Duncan: Ah, well, I don't ask those.

Hacker: Well, just ask them. For me. All right?

Duncan: Yes, of course, that's what you want. But don't forget, once you interfere in the internal squabbles of another country, you're on a very slippery slope. Anything else??

Hacker: Yes, I gather we're proposing to vote against Israel in the UN tonight.

Duncan: Of course.

Hacker: Why?

Duncan: They bombed the PLO.

Hacker: The PLO bombed Israel.

Duncan: But the Israelis dropped more bombs on the PLO!

Hacker: The PLO started it!

Duncan: No, they didn't.

Hacker: But anyway, it seems to me there are faults on both sides.

Duncan: Not according to my advice.

Hacker: But the Americans are worried about it. They want us to abstain tonight.

Duncan: I don't think we could do that.

Hacker: Why not?

Duncan: The Foreign Office wouldn't wear it.

Hacker: Are they here to follow our instructions or are we to follow theirs?

Duncan: Now, don't be silly.

Bernard: Prime Minister, Sir Humphrey's here.

Humphrey: Prime Minister.

Hacker: Humphrey, I'm worried.

Humphrey: Oh, what about, Prime Minister?

Hacker: About the Americans.

Humphrey: Oh, yes, we're all worried about the Americans.

Hacker: Foreign affairs are a complicated business, aren't they?

Humphrey: Yes indeed, Prime Minister. That's why we leave it to the Foreign Office.

Hacker: The point is I've got to keep in with the Americans for the next few months if I'm to cancel our huge defence order.

Humphrey: Ah.

Hacker: I gathered from that reception last night that they're worried about us.

Humphrey: Well, of course they are, Prime Minister, but I think I know the way to keep in with them.

Hacker: How?

Humphrey: Don't cancel the huge defence order.

Hacker: No, Humphrey, I'm determined on that, but we mustn't upset them in any other way. The ambassador said something about St George's Island.

Humphrey: Oh, really?

Hacker: Do you know what's going on in that part of the world?

Humphrey: What part of the world?

Hacker: That part. The part where St George's Island is.

Humphrey: What part is that?

Hacker: If you don't know, Humphrey, I suggest you go and have a look at the map!

Humphrey: No, I do know, Prime Minister.

Hacker: Good. Then we both know. The White House is worried that St George's Island might be taken over by Marxists.

(Humphrey laughs)

Hacker: It's not funny, Humphrey.

Humphrey: No, indeed, Prime Minister, rather touching, really. Prime Minister, once you start interfering in the internal squabbles of other countries, you're on a very slippery slope.

Hacker: Humphrey, what's exactly what the Foreign Secretary said.

Humphrey: Extraordinary.

Hacker: And then there's the business of the U.N. vote on Israel tonight. The Americans want us to abstain.

Humphrey: It's a question of maintaining our relationship with the Arabs. The power of Islam. Oil supplies.

Hacker: Humphrey, I'm talking about what's right and wrong.

Humphrey: Well, don't let the Foreign Office hear you. Well, if you insist on an even-handed approach, the Foreign Office might agree to your abstaining on the matter of Israel, so long as you authorise our man there to make a powerful speech attacking Zionism.

Hacker: Surely we should use the debate to promote peace, harmony, goodwill.

Humphrey: Well, it would be most unusual. The U.N. is the accepted forum for the expression of international hatred.

Hacker: What about defending democracy on St George's Island?

Humphrey: Not if it harms British interest by upsetting those whom we wish to have as friends.

Hacker: Humphrey, are you saying Britain should not support law and justice?

Humphrey: No, of course we should, Prime Minister. We just shouldn't let it affect our foreign policy, that's all.

Hacker: We should always fight for the weak against the strong.

Humphrey: Well, then why don't we send troops to Afghanistan to fight the Russians.

Hacker: The Russians are too strong.

Humphrey: What was that you were saying about law and justice?

Hacker: Be that as it may, Humphrey, I want assurances sent to the democratically elected Prime Minister of St George's Island that Britain will stand by him.

Humphrey: Yes, perhaps you'd like to discuss this with the Foreign Secretary.

Hacker: Thank you, Humphrey.

Humphrey: Thank you, Prime Minister.

Hacker: You've been a great help.

Hacker: Bernard?

Bernard: Yes, Prime Minister?

Hacker: Where exactly is St George's Island?

Bernard: Um…Shall we look at the globe? There's one in your Private Office.

Hacker: Good idea.

Hacker: Good afternoon, Luke.

Luke: Good afternoon, Prime Minister.

Hacker: Now, where is it?

Bernard: Eh…It's here, in the Arabian Sea.

Hacker: Near the Persian Gulf.

Bernard: Yes, the lifeline of the West. Look, there's Afghanistan, now under Soviet control. It's only 400 miles north of the Arabian Sea. If the Soviets ever took Pakistan…

Luke: Which they wouldn't.

Bernard: If they did, they'd control the Persian Gulf, the Arabian Sea and the Indian Ocean. And the Soviets have always wanted what they called a ''warm water port''.

Luke: There's no risk they wouldn't invade Pakistan and anyway, the Americans have a fleet permanently stationed here. The Indian Ocean.

Bernard: Prime Minister, may I have a word with you about home affairs?

Hacker: Home affairs?

Bernard: Yes.

Hacker: Anyway, we're discussing foreign affairs.

Bernard: No, Prime Minister, it's rather urgent.

Hacker: Are you all right, Bernard?

Bernard: Yes, Prime Minister. Please.

Hacker: Very well. Excuse me, Luke.

Hacker: What on earth's the matter?

Bernard: I don't want to be disloyal or anything, but I didn't think it was an awfully good idea to continue that conversation in front of Luke.

Hacker: Why?

Bernard: Security.

Hacker: He's your colleague, one of my private secretaries. What is MI6 up to allowing so…?

Bernard: Prime Minister, he's not that sort of security risk. It is just that he works for the Foreign Office.

Hacker: He works for me.

Bernard: Eh…yes, but he's not only your man from the Foreign Office, he's also their man in Number 10. He's a plant.

Hacker: Oh. Ah. Oh.

Bernard: Do you understand?

Hacker: Yes. No! Bernard, are you telling me the Foreign Office is keeping something from me?

Bernard: Yes.

Hacker: What?

Bernard: I don't know. They're keeping it from me, too.

Hacker: Then how do you know?

Bernard: I didn't know.

Hacker: You just said that the Foreign Office is keeping something from me, how do you know if you don't know?!

Bernard: I don't know specifically what, Prime Minister, but I do know the Foreign Office always keeps everything from everybody. It's normal practice.

Hacker: Who does know?

Bernard: May I just clarify the question? You are asking who would know what it is that I don't know and you don't know but the Foreign Office know that they know, that they are keeping from you so that you don't know but they do know, and all we know is there is something we don't know and we want to know, but we don't know what because we don't know? Is that it?

Hacker: May I clarify the question? Who knows Foreign Office secrets apart from the Foreign Office?

Bernard: Oh, that's easy. Only the Kremlin.

Humphrey: This bother about St George's Island is getting to be a bore.

Richard: Because we made the real mistake twenty years ago when we gave them their independence.

Humphrey: Wasn't that right? Wind of change and all?

Richard: Yes, but not that way we did it. We should have partitioned the island.

Humphrey: You mean like we did in India, Cyprus and Palestine? And Ireland?

Richard: Yes, that was our invariable practice when we gave independence to the colonies. It always worked.

Humphrey: But didn't partition always lead to civil war? It did in India and Cyprus and Palestine and Ireland.

Richard: Yes, but it kept them busy. Instead of fighting other people, they can find themselves fighting each other.

Humphrey: Yes, rather good that saved us having a policy about them. Cheers.

Bernard: Sir Humphrey?

Humphrey: Yes, Bernard?

Bernard: Um, Sir Humphrey.

Humphrey: Yes, Bernard?

Bernard: I wonder if I could have a word?

Humphrey: Yes, Bernard?

Bernard: With both of you.

Humphrey: Yes. What about?

Bernard: St George's.

Richard: What now?

Bernard: Well, the PM seems to be completely in the dark.

Richard: Good.

Humphrey: Excellent. Anything else?

Bernard: Well, I wonder if there is anything he doesn't know?

Humphrey: I hardly know where to begin, Bernard.

Bernard: No, I mean anything important.

Richard: He has the Foreign Secretary to tell him.

Bernard: Yes, I know. So he seems to think the Foreign secretary doesn't know the story either.

Richard: I should hope not!

Humphrey: Are you implying that the Prime Minister ought to know what's happening?

Bernard: Well, he is the Prime Minister.

Richard: Yes, Bernard, but it's simply too dangerous to let politicians become involved with diplomacy.

Humphrey: Diplomacy is about surviving until the next century. Politics is about surviving until Friday afternoon!

Richard: There are 157 independent countries in the world. We've dealt with them for years. There's hardly an MP who knows anything about any of them.

Humphrey: Show them a map of the world, most of them have a job finding the Isle of Wight.

Bernard: Surely politicians can't be that ignorant?

Richard: Very well. Sit down, Bernard. Where is the Upper Volta?

Bernard: Em…

Humphrey: What's the capital of Chad?

Bernard: Um…

Richard: What language do they speak in Mali?

Bernard: Em…

Humphrey: Who's the president of Peru?

Bernard: Um…

Richard: What is the national religion of Cameroon?

Bernard: Em…

Humphrey: Bernard?

Bernard: Uh?

Humphrey: You should stand for Parliament.

Bernard: No, what I mean is if it's a democracy, shouldn't people sort of discuss things a bit?

Richard: Of course. Full discussion.

Bernard: Until they have the facts?

Humphrey: Of course not! They don't want them. Facts complicate things. All the press, the people and their elected leaders want to know is who are the goodies and baddies.

Richard: The problem is that the interests of Britain nearly always involve doing deals with people the public think are baddies.

Humphrey: And not helping the goodies occasionally when he doesn't help us.

Richard: So we avoid discussion of foreign affairs. Or rather we keep all discussions inside the Foreign Office then we produce one policy for the Foreign Secretary, which represents our considered view, and he can act upon it.

Bernard: No options?

Richard: None.

Bernard: No alternatives?

Richard: None.

Bernard: What if he's not satisfied?

Richard: If pressed, we look at it again.

Bernard: And come up with a different view?

Richard: Of course not! We come up with the same view.

Bernard: But what if he demands options?

Humphrey: It's obvious, Bernard. The Foreign Office will happily present him with three options, two of which are, on close inspection, exactly the same.

Richard: And the third is totally unacceptable.

Humphrey: Like bombing Warsaw or invading France.

Richard: Better still, we occasionally encourage the Foreign Secretary to produce his own policy, then we tell him it will inevitably lead to World War Three, perhaps within 48 hours.

Bernard: I see. I'm sorry to appear stupid.

Humphrey: Oh, perish the thought, Bernard.

Bernard: In my experience, ministers are somewhat concerned about the effect of policy on domestic political opinion. Now our system doesn't seem to allow for that.

Richard: Of course not. We take the global view. We ask what's best for the world.

Bernard: Most ministers would rather you asked: What's the Daily Mail leader going to say!

Humphrey: Oh, Bernard, we can't have foreign policy made by yobbos like Fleet Street editors or backbench MPs!

Richard: Or Cabinet ministers.

Humphrey: Or Cabinet ministers. We take the right decisions and let them sort out the politics later.

(KNOCKING)

Humphrey: Yes?

Mrs Whitmore: Excuse me, Sir Humphrey.

Humphrey: Yes, come in, Mrs Whitmore. Thank you.

Bernard: And if the Foreign Secretary still won't accept the Foreign Office's view?

Humphrey: It's a free country. He can always resign.

Bernard: How can you treat the PM like this? Surely, he is right to worry about St George's. After all, it is a democracy!

Richard: Not for long. This is a Flash Telegram that East Yemen are preparing to invade in support of the Marxist guerrillas.

Bernard: That's awful.

Richard: Yes and no. It is moderately bad news for the government of St George's, but very good for the guerrillas.

Bernard: What about the islanders?

Humphrey: Bernard, you're reacting like a politician.

Bernard: I am sorry, but what are we going to do to help them?

Richard: Nothing.

Bernard: What if St George's appeals to us?

Richard: We'll give them every support, short of help.

Bernard: What if the Prime Minister insists we help?

Humphrey: Then we follow the four-stage strategy.

Bernard: What's that??

Richard: A standard Foreign Office response in a time of crisis. In stage one we say nothing is going to happen.

Humphrey: Stage two, we say something may be going to happen, but we should do nothing about it.

Richard: In stage three, we say that maybe we should do something about it, but there's nothing we CAN do.

Humphrey: Stage four, we say maybe there was something we could have done, but it's too late now.

Luke: Afternoon telegrams, Prime Minister.

Hacker: Thank you, Luke. Where's Bernard?

Luke: I think he's with Sir Humphrey.

Hacker: It's about troop movements in East Yemen?

Luke: It's not significant.

Hacker: The American ambassador said something about East Yemen.

Luke: Really? I'm surprised he'd heard of it.

Hacker: What are they up to?

Luke: Just preparing a regular raid on West Yemen.

Hacker: It's alright that nothing for us to worry about?

Luke: Nothing at all, Prime Minister.

Hacker: He said something about St George's, too.

Luke: Really? Educated man. For an American.

Hacker: Is there a problem there?

Luke: No, no, no, Prime Minister. Just the normal local squabbles.

Hacker: He seemed worried about a possible Communist takeover.

Luke: Americans always are.

Hacker: Luke!

Luke: Yes, Prime Minister.

Hacker: Have you read this? We voted against Israel in the U.N. last night!

Luke: Yes, Prime Minister.

Hacker: But I gave express instructions that we were to abstain.

Luke: I think not, Prime Minister.

Hacker: I said quite clearly to the Foreign Secretary that I felt very strongly that we should not take sides.

Luke: That's quite right, the Foreign Secretary noted your very strong feelings.

Hacker: You did nothing about it!

Luke: With respect, Prime Minister, he did. He asked our U.N. ambassador that we should consider abstaining.

Hacker: What did the Ambassador do?

Luke: He said no.

Hacker: You mean the Foreign Office can simply ignore the wishes of the Prime Minister?!

Luke: Certainly not, Prime Minister. They take full account of you when coming to their decision, but events move rapidly. There were important factors in our relationship with the Arabs last night that were not known to you when you took your view. It wasn't possible to get through to you in time.

Hacker: I am on the phone, you know.

Luke: It wasn't thought sufficiently important to wake you at 3 a.m..

Hacker: It was extremely important! The White House will do its nut!

Luke: I suppose I could arrange for you to be telephoned before every U.N. vote, but there are two or three a night while they're in session.

Hacker: What can I do to reverse this?

Luke: Nothing, Prime Minister. That would be most embarrassing. Once government policy has been stated, it can't be retracted.

Hacker: Luke, I'd like to talk to the Israeli ambassador.

Luke: I think not, Prime Minister.

Hacker: I want to talk to the Israeli ambassador.

Luke: If I may say so,? Prime Minister, it would be rather unwise.

Hacker: Luke! Can you hear me? Watch my lips! I want to talk to the Israeli ambassador!

Luke: Of course, Prime Minister, if that is your wish. I will contact the Foreign Secretary and Sir Richard then telephone the Israeli Ambassador.

Hacker: I don't want the Foreign Secretary, I don't want Sir Richard, I just want the Ambassador!

Luke: Prime Minister, I must advise you it would be most improper to see him without the Foreign Secretary present.

Hacker: Why? What do you think I want to talk to the Ambassador about?

Luke: Well, I…Presumably the vote at the U.N.

Hacker: Really, that would be most improper.

Luke: Oh.

Hacker: My daughter Lucy wishes to spend her next long vacation on a kibbutz. Or perhaps I should say, as she's at the University of Sussex, another kibbutz.

Luke: I see.

Hacker: The ambassador and I were at the LSE. I thought I'd invite him to the flat tonight for a drink. 6 p.m. would be convenient? See to it, would you, Luke?

Luke: Yes, Prime Minister.

Hacker: Thank you.

David3: Don't let him upset you, Jim, we're used to it. It happens all the time.

Hacker: I told them to abstain.

David: It's well known that in the British Foreign Office an instruction from the Prime Minister becomes a request from the Foreign Secretary, then a recommendation from the Minister of State and, finally, just a suggestion to the ambassador. If it ever gets that far. Thank you. L'Chaim.

Hacker: Cheers.

David: Well, Jim, what are you going to do about St George's?

Hacker: You know about that?

David: Obviously.

Hacker: Not a serious problem, is it?

David: Isn't it? Your information must be better than mine.

Hacker: Mine comes from the Foreign Office.

David: Israeli Intelligence says that East Yemen are going to invade St George's Island within the next few days.

Hacker: What?! So that's the connection.

David: Your Foreign Office have agreed with East Yemen that they'll make strong diplomatic representations, but do nothing. In return, the Yemenis will let you keep your airport contract after they have taken over.

Hacker: There will be uproar!

David: That's only the start. I happen to know from our Ambassador in Washington that the Americans are going to support the present government of St George's.

Hacker: In the U.N.?

David: No, in battle. On St George's Island. They'll send in an airborne division backed up by Seventh Fleet.

Hacker: The Americans invading a Commonwealth country?! The Palace will hit the roof. And I'll look ridiculous. Why didn't the Americans tell me?

David: They don't trust you.

Hacker: Why not?

David: Because you trust the Foreign Office.

Hacker: Oh, I see. What can I do about it?

David: Jim, you have an airborne battalion on standby in Germany that is not now needed for the NATO exercise.

Hacker: How do you know?

David: I know. Now, if you were to send it to St George's Island, it would frighten off East Yemen. They'd never dare invade. Of course, it's not for the Israeli ambassador to advise the British Prime Minister.

Hacker: And he wouldn't take your advice anyway. Get me the Foreign Secretary and the Defence Secretary, please. I wonder why the Foreign Office didn't cover themselves. Maybe they did. They gave me several boxes tonight. I've been through them all except this one. I wonder if this could be it. ''Northern Indian Ocean Situation Report''. It's 138 pages. It must be it.

(TELEPHONE RINGS)

Hacker: Hello? Yes, Ronnie. I want the president of St George's Island to extend the invitation to Britain to send an airborne battalion on a goodwill visit. No, just a friendly gesture. Goodwill. Yes, at once, please. Thank you. He seemed to think that 800 fully armed paratroopers was an awful lot to send on a goodwill visit.

David: No, it's just an awful lot of goodwill.

(TELEPHONE RINGS)

Hacker: Oh, yes, Paul. You know you have an airborne battalion on standby in Germany? Never mind how I know. Well, since it's not being used, I want them to fly straight off to St George's Island. Sort of between Africa and India. A goodwill visit. Just showing the flag. They have been invited. Yes. Leave in six hours. Yes, an instant goodwill visit. Tell your press office to announce it at once. No, no, leave me out of it. A routine visit. All right - a routine surprise visit. Well, say they were invited earlier, but the NATO exercise got in the way. Now they're not needed, they're going anyway. All right. Nobody knows it's not true. Press statements aren't delivered under oath. They'll be off at midnight.

Humphrey: I gather there's an airborne battalion in the air.

Hacker: Sounds like the right place for it!

Humphrey: I gather it's on its way to St George's.

Hacker: Yes, it should be landing in about two hours' time.

Humphrey: Quite. Isn't this all rather sudden?

Hacker: I had a sudden friendly impulse, Humphrey. I wanted to spread a little goodwill.

Humphrey: There's not a great deal of goodwill in the Foreign Office this morning.

Hacker: Really? Why not?

Humphrey: It might be construed as provocative, sending a fully-armed airborne battalion into a trouble spot like that, an explosive situation.

Hacker: Explosive? I thought you said there was no problem there.

Humphrey: Eh…well, yes, indeed. There is no problem, but it's explosive potentially.

Hacker: Why?

Humphrey: Moving troops around is always potentially explosive.

Hacker: We are always moving troops around Salisbury Plain. Is that potentially explosive??

Bernard: There are a lot of unexploded shells on Sa…

Hacker: Thank you, Bernard. Do tell me why the Foreign Office is worried. I'm fascinated.

Humphrey: It's a sensitive part of the world. Unstable.

Hacker: They are always telling me how stable it is.

Humphrey: Well, yes, yes, indeed…it is very...but it's a sort of unstable sort of stability.

Luke: Excuse me, Sir Humphrey.

Humphrey: Yes, Luke.

Luke: Foreign Office telegrams, Prime Minister.

Hacker: Thank you, Luke. Oh, gosh. Rather a lot.

Luke: Yes, the somewhat unorthodox visit to St George's has been stirring things up.

Hacker: Ah, I see East Yemen is moving its troops back to base.

Luke: Yes, Prime Minister.

Hacker: Decided not to invade West Yemen after all?

Luke: So it seems.

Hacker: Oh, this is nice. The Americans are delighted by our little visit to St Georges Island. That's good. Isn't it?

Humphrey: Excellent, Prime Minister.

Hacker: They say they have a whole airborne division ready if we want reinforcements.

Humphrey: Reinforcements of what?

Hacker: Reinforcements of goodwill, Humphrey.

Humphrey: Prime Minister, may I inquire where the impulse for this little escapade came from?

Hacker: Yes, of course you may. It came from Luke.

Humphrey: Luke?!

Luke: From me?

Hacker: It was you who put together that masterly Northern Indian Ocean Situation Report, wasn't it?

Luke: Yes, but it was arguing that we needn't do anything.

Hacker: Come off it, Luke. You can't fool me.

Luke: What?!

Hacker: I can read between the lines. Some politicians have a feeling for foreign affairs, you know. I could tell that you were warning that St George's Island might need our support.

Luke: Oh, yes. Well, no, actually. Only in one paragraph on page 107.

Hacker: It was enough. I can take the hint. Anyway, I'm giving you full credit for it. I've told the Foreign Secretary to tell Sir Richard that it was your warning that sparked it off.

Luke: No, no, it wasn't! You haven't!

Hacker: And I don't think I'm giving away any secrets when I say you are going to be rewarded.

Luke: Rewarded?

Hacker: You are going to be sent as ambassador to a very important embassy.

Luke: Which embassy?

Hacker: Tel Aviv.

Luke: Oh, my God! No, please, no, you can't send me to Israel. Think about my career.

Hacker: Don't be absurd. It's an honour. Promotion.

Luke: Yes, but you'll upset the Israelis. I mean, they won't want me. They know I'm on the Arab side.

Hacker: I thought you were on OUR side.

Luke: Well of course, yes…no…but…

Hacker: We need somebody like you in Tel Aviv to explain to them why we are always voting against them in the U.N.. Don't we, Humphrey?

Humphrey: Yes, Prime Minister.

1: Sir Richard Wharton, nicknamed 'Dick', Permanent Secretary of the Foreign and Commonwealth Office

2: Duncan Short, according to The Complete Yes Prime Minister, the Secretary of State for Foreign, Commonwealth and Development Affairs

3: David Bilu, the Israeli Ambassador to the United Kingdom, Hacker's Israeli friend, emigrated to Palestine just before it became Israel

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