本章概述：

????????????亞歷桑德拉崩潰了。

????????????In which Alessandra shatters.

?

正文：

這不公平。

這是我考慮起我的立場時心中浮現(xiàn)的第一個詞。我被撕扯在兩個彼此毫不相容的世界之間。一個是我自己的世界，是我向之宣誓并本該對之忠誠如一的帝國；還有另一個世界，似乎越來越被局限于我和伊莎萊生活著的這個小預(yù)制房里。

這個銀河中無限渺小的點，在短時間內(nèi)對我產(chǎn)生了如此強大的吸引力。

我對修會和神皇的誓言一度看上去不可動搖，然后伊莎萊就走進了我的人生，護理我直至恢復(fù)健康，以好意和愛對待我，而突然之間……

我輕嘆著穿上精工動力甲，每一個部位都伴隨著一句低聲祈禱被咔嚓一聲固定到位。等我一回到隱修院，我就會把這件盔甲交由軍械師重新祝圣。我對武裝儀式了解得夠多，因此我有理由相信自己能在不冒犯機魂的情況下著甲，可這件盔甲本身十分古老而尊貴，而且是為一位信仰從未動搖之人所打造的。

不像我。

不像這個小家子氣到認為自己的困境是種“不公”的女人。

我被賦予了力量、訓(xùn)練、受祝的裝備，以及對帝皇的熱愛，卻竟敢因為伊莎萊的存續(xù)不在其列而對這些饋贈感到憤恨。

我將一個新彈匣拍進我的爆彈槍里，力道可能比本應(yīng)該的更大了些，然后按下供彈器。計數(shù)器顯示滿彈，我在盔甲上下又裝上了另外三個滿彈匣，然后將武器磁鎖到胯部。

在神圣的伺服系統(tǒng)和這個機器的支撐框架的承載下，這套盔甲的重量本該很輕，可恰恰相反，它壓得我?guī)缀踔舷ⅰ?/p>

無論在哪個世界上，我都不配穿著這件盔甲。我沒能得體地死在我的姐妹們之間，我沒能成功殺死一個異形女巫，取而代之的是……

我……

我抬起手指，摸向自己的嘴唇。

即便自小教堂里的那件事后已經(jīng)過去了好多天，我依舊能在這里感覺到她。我仍能品味到她的嘴唇的柔軟和她懷抱我時雙臂的力量。我的內(nèi)心不存在與之相似的事物，它已經(jīng)在那里留下了不可磨滅的烙印。盡管我知道這是種罪孽，我卻無法確定自己想不想讓這種感覺消失。

她那時已經(jīng)瀕臨死亡，我便把自己獻給了她。我讓一個女巫品嘗到了我的靈魂的滋味，以將她從正當且應(yīng)得的詛咒中解救了出來，因為我……

“伊莎萊，”我輕聲念出她的名字，接踵而至的是內(nèi)心的一陣刺痛。

她很快就會回來，自她離開起已經(jīng)過去了幾個小時。除非她想冒險穿過這場暴雨，否則就應(yīng)該會在短時間內(nèi)返回。我需要那些時間來鼓起做這件事的勇氣，畢竟在她離開后我就只是沮喪地坐在長沙發(fā)上，在身旁伸出一只手，好似在等著她加入進來，如往常一樣把她的手放在上面。

我已經(jīng)在這里坐了幾個小時，胸口隱隱作痛，我試著不去想象自己的生活在下一個晝夜里會變得多空虛。不到一天內(nèi)，我的伊莎萊就會永遠地離開，我則會回到我的姐妹們中間，用盡余生的日日夜夜來忘記一雙紫藤色的眼睛和如三葉草般柔軟的嘴唇。

所以我把自己埋進了盔甲里，在長久以來出于罪惡感和恥辱感而避免這么做后，我終于穿上了它。這樣一來，等伊莎萊回來后，無論她有沒有找到我的姐妹們，我都會告訴她真相，然后我就會重新激活轉(zhuǎn)發(fā)器。

也許她會對我發(fā)火，抑或會對我的選擇感到受寵若驚。無論怎樣，這都將是我們在這里為自己創(chuàng)造的這段奇怪生活的終點。

她會離開我以尋死，我打心底里知道自己的一部分也會與她同去。

也許，等回到我的修會后，我會套上贖罪修女的斗篷。

我的死亡將會得到保證，也許這樣做的話，我就能為我在這么多天里犯下的罪孽找到某種形式上的贖罪。

而在我內(nèi)心最深處的陰影中，我想知道是否，或許，我會發(fā)現(xiàn)伊莎萊也在等我。

爆彈的聲音將我拉回現(xiàn)實，我猛地抬起頭來。這聲音并不是獸人射擊小子制造的不健康的咳嗽聲，而是一把帝國的爆彈槍的強力而穩(wěn)健的怒吼，而且它近得出奇。

我擺脫掉腦海中最后一絲雜亂的思想猛沖向陽臺，靠在欄桿上探出身去四處張望，豎起耳朵以此在巢都尖塔群的背景噪聲中找出那聲音的來源。

另一陣爆炸引起了我的注意，我轉(zhuǎn)身看向下方。在看到戰(zhàn)斗的來源時，呼吸凝滯在了喉嚨里。

臨近尖塔的那個廣場，那個伊莎萊曾為獸人布下陷阱卻不經(jīng)意地抓住了一個既受傷又極度困惑的戰(zhàn)斗修女的廣場，正被槍火照得透亮，而她就在一切的中央。

“伊莎萊，”隨著我念出這個名字，恐懼籠罩了我的內(nèi)心。

她正在旋轉(zhuǎn)、翻滾并俯沖著躲避著開火，而令我恐懼的是，我看到了兩個小隊的我的姐妹們，正以我一度無比自豪的時鐘般的精確舉槍瞄準。

在她們之中，伊莎萊正警惕地觀察著，她的剃刀連枷的刀柄正被緊攥在手里。伊莎萊正在被包圍，被在人數(shù)上壓倒，被帝國最優(yōu)秀的凡人戰(zhàn)士在火力上壓制，而知曉著這些的我無比確信一件事，只有一件事。

我的所有的姐妹們都離死不遠了。

我曾見過伊莎萊在幾個心跳的時間內(nèi)將幾乎上百個獸人開膛破肚。她快得仿佛能在閃電上行走，能在水面上起舞，盡管我愛著也尊重著我的姐妹們，我也確定在伊莎萊撕裂她們的身體時，她們的子彈不會有哪怕一發(fā)擦到伊莎萊。

我顫抖著伸向護甲的儲物層并抽出了一個瞄準鏡，將之固定到爆彈槍上，然后移動到欄桿的邊緣上跪地、舉槍，并瞄準。

我瞄準了伊莎萊的心臟。

這是我唯一的選項。

她不知道我在這里，她無比強大，但并非完美無缺，而現(xiàn)在我對她的移動方式了如指掌。如果開槍的是我，我知道自己能打中她……我能在伊莎萊殺死我的任何一個姐妹前打中她。

也許事情就應(yīng)該是這樣。

伊莎萊想要死，這是她在這個世界上的首要也是唯一的目的，而我會是讓她如愿以償?shù)哪莻€人。

一發(fā)爆彈，身體的重心。即刻，迅速，干凈利落。

我會殺死我摯愛的伊莎萊，而她幾乎不會有感覺，也無暇感受我的背叛。這是我能給她的最冷血，最殘酷，也是唯一的仁慈。

我艱難著吞咽著空氣，雙手顫抖，淚水從我的臉上滾下。

其中一個小隊的上級修女正在對伊莎萊說著什么，伊莎萊則在回著話。她的臉上露出了譏諷的表情，那種表明她只是在稍稍嘲笑著你的表情。我喜歡那種表情，因為當它沖我而來時總是帶有玩笑的意味，可我最愛的是她熟睡時帶著的表情。

那看上去仿佛獲得了平靜般的表情，而我發(fā)覺自己希望著那是我殺死她時她臉上帶著的表情。

我突發(fā)奇想，快速地點了下護甲的內(nèi)置通訊器，并把它調(diào)到了最接近的指揮頻率上。

//——撒謊如我族呼吸一般，靈族，我為什么要相信你？//

我皺起了眉頭，這話語聽起來十分刺耳，我知道我曾在與她見面時說過幾乎相同的話。我深切地后悔說出了那句話，可直到現(xiàn)在我才意識到自己從來都沒有為之道歉。我本應(yīng)該告訴她我對我們初見時說的話感到抱歉，我本該告訴她我有多么在乎，她對我是多么的重要。

而伊莎萊曾經(jīng)告訴過我，就在她離開前。

我這么做是因為視你若珍寶，亞歷莎。

//非常好，瞄準吧，姐妹們//

我整個人都僵住了。這就是那個時刻……這就是伊莎萊行動起來的時候。在她們扣下扳機的一瞬間，她就會行動起來，殺戮她們。在那個時候，當她們被自己的爆彈槍的槍口火光部分致盲時，當她們的反應(yīng)速度僅僅比其他時候稍慢時，她就會終結(jié)她們的性命。

//受死吧。//那個姐妹吟誦道。

我做了個深呼吸，穩(wěn)住雙手再次瞄準，強行憋回了淚水。

此時我口中沒有在向帝皇祈禱，只有一個名字。

一個名字。

“伊莎萊。”

//屈服于所有膽敢伸手觸碰地球之主的神圣領(lǐng)地的異種之命運吧。//

我的瞄準鏡的十字準線對準了她的心臟，這次我拒絕祈禱。我拒絕對至高之人提起哪怕一個字。這會是我的罪孽，而我會在余生中背負著它。

我看著伊莎萊舉起了剃刀連枷，我繃緊了壓在扳機上的手指。

我看著她舉起連枷向外抬起，她銳利的絕美雙眼在對上上級修女的目光時從未動搖過。我試著把那個景象記在心底，那個無所畏懼的面孔，那絕美的雙眼，和日出般的長發(fā)。

我看著……她呼出一口氣，扔下了她的武器。

即便我離得太遠，聽不到連枷落地的聲音，我也依然能聽到它在我的耳朵中回響。分段的刀刃落到石質(zhì)廣場上時的咣當聲在我耳中震耳欲聾，哪怕我打心底里知道自己根本不可能聽到那個聲音。

伊莎萊的嘴唇動了動，即便我聽不到她的聲音，我也能輕易讀出那三個簡單的詞語。

“那我便屈服?！?/p>

語音通訊網(wǎng)絡(luò)中傳來了幾聲尖銳的吸氣聲，那是我的姐妹們在一個致命的敵人似乎選擇了或是死亡，或是報復(fù)，亦或是暴力時發(fā)出的震驚的聲音。個中緣由當然無從得知……至少對于她們和其他所有沒有我那么了解伊莎萊的人來說是不可能的。

//一個知曉她的地位的靈族。//上級修女的聲音激起了我的反感，怒火從心底升騰起來。//的確如此，神皇今日為我們降下了奇跡。//

她們不會知道的。

她們不會知道伊莎萊不只是單純地接受了她的死亡。如果她愿意的話她可以在銀河系中的任何地方尋死……而她選擇這種死亡是出于一個理由，僅僅一個理由。

看著伊莎萊低下頭去，我的雙手又一次顫抖起來，羞恥充盈著我的內(nèi)心。但這一次有所不同，因為在此之前我僅會為我的行為和對神皇和姐妹們的褻瀆而感到羞恥，可現(xiàn)在呢？

現(xiàn)在，我的羞恥感因自己背叛了伊莎萊而更加深重。我本選擇殺死的美麗的伊莎萊，并沒有意識到我施加的威脅，為了我而選擇了仁慈地放過我的姐妹們。

隨著我讀出了她的遺言的唇語，這個想法被進一步鞏固。

原諒我。

噢，伊莎萊……沒有什么需要原諒的。

她的下一句話是曲折的靈族語，但句子末尾的最后一個詞是我所熟知的。

它壓根就不是靈族詞語。

她的最后一個詞是我的名字。

//處決她。//

我來不及思考便行動起來。我立即更改了瞄準的方式，把爆彈槍猛地砸在欄桿上并壓上了全身的重量，將開火模式調(diào)到了全自動。我?guī)缀趼牪灰娮约旱呐鹇?，把整個彈匣里的爆彈直直地潑向了廣場——

——越過了我的姐妹們的頭頂。

她們的陣線立刻就破碎了，身邊劇烈爆炸著的廣場讓姐妹們驚恐地四散開來。我的爆彈槍怒吼著直至打空彈藥，我隨即扔掉了空彈匣，拍上了新的一個，按下供彈器然后再度開火。

另一輪爆彈風(fēng)暴撕裂了廣場，我的姐妹們爭先恐后地在巷子里尋找掩體，而在混亂中的某處，我發(fā)現(xiàn)伊莎萊利用這陣騷動直接消失了，還帶走了自己的剃刀連枷。

我的姐妹們甚至沒有費心尋找威脅的方向，她們都忙于跑向掩體。其中幾個盲射了幾槍，對著我大致所在的方向胡亂地打出幾個點射。我打得她們暈頭轉(zhuǎn)向，現(xiàn)在她們遵守著反伏擊的標準戰(zhàn)斗流程：分散開來，重整部隊，重新評估情況，然后發(fā)起反擊。

但當她們重新集合起來時，已經(jīng)沒有什么可反擊的事物了。

在將兩個滿彈匣對著自己的姐妹們打空后，我唯一能當作安慰的是沒有一個人在我的射擊中倒下。距離太長，散布太大，而她們經(jīng)受的最壞的情況會是跳彈或者被一片破片打中。

然而，我已經(jīng)毫無疑問地灑下了鮮血。

修女會的血。

更糟的是，我是用我們自己的一件神圣的武器做出了此等行徑。我已經(jīng)親手做出了自己曾發(fā)誓不允許獸人犯下的每一件事，而且是為了維護一個黑暗靈族的褻瀆存在而這么做的。

我踉蹌著從陽臺邊緣返回，在重整旗鼓的姐妹們看不到的地方一頭跪了下來。曾經(jīng)死死地攥著的爆彈槍從麻木的指尖跌落下來，在地上砸出一聲悶響。

我的視線變成了一條陰沉的灰色隧道，在我開始摸索教堂甲的扣子時，我的呼吸化作了一聲聲短促而尖銳的刮擦音。

我已經(jīng)記不得卸甲禱文的內(nèi)容，但這已經(jīng)無關(guān)緊要。被些許粗暴地脫下幾乎不是這件盔甲經(jīng)受的最嚴重的褻瀆，而我只得假定：只要我這一文不值的血肉能越早地不受保護，機魂就會越開心。

脛甲、護足具、前臂甲一件件摔落在地上，我?guī)缀跏浅断铝诵丶缀退目圩?，沒過多久我就只穿著一件微微磨損的緊身服坐在了陽臺上，雙膝緊貼著胸口，搖搖晃晃地試圖不嘔吐在散落一地的盔甲殘片和彈殼中間。

這就是伊莎萊在一個小時后找到我時我的樣子。

她的步伐很輕柔，但我就算在戰(zhàn)斗中也能認出那幾乎無聲的溫和步調(diào)。腳步聲緩緩地靠近，最終停在了陽臺門前，在我身后只有一米左右的地方。

“看來那確實是你，”伊莎萊以我聽她用過的最細微的聲音說道。

我仍在無神地凝視著巢都的另一邊，傾盆大雨已經(jīng)下大約一個半小時，可在伊莎萊的聲音打破了我的發(fā)呆前，我一直也沒有注意到。

她走到我的身邊，盤腿坐了下來。她的手掃過地面，拾起了幾個被雨打濕的焦黑的彈殼，然后嘆了口氣。

“你本該讓她們結(jié)果我的，Cre’yth，”她說。

“我以為你要殺了她們，”這是我說出的第一句話。我自覺已經(jīng)背負了太多的罪孽，而我需要放下至少其中幾個?！拔乙呀?jīng)把爆彈槍瞄準了你，就……就瞄在你的心臟上?！?/p>

我沒有看向她。

我怎么能？

我該怎么看著伊莎萊的眼睛，告訴她我已經(jīng)準備好要殺了她，因為我曾以為她要殺了我發(fā)誓守護的修會的女人們？在忠嗣學(xué)院和帝國的教導(dǎo)之外，我找不出任何能證明她會做出那種事的證據(jù)，而我自己的經(jīng)驗明確地告訴我她有一顆心，一顆承載了善意的心。

相反，我只是低著頭啜泣起來。

“對不起……”這句話支離破碎。

“不要這樣，”伊莎萊回答道，彈殼隨著她把它們?nèi)酉蛞贿?，令其滾落陽臺而叮當作響。

“你怎么會——？”

“你信守了諾言，”伊莎萊打斷我?！澳惚Ｗo了你的姐妹們，而且……而且你也保護了我?！?/p>

“我對著自己的姐妹們開槍了，”我空洞地說出這句話。我知道——不管我有沒有大聲說出來——我的行動是真實的，但把它講出口令其在某種程度上變得更為惡劣。“我……我攻擊了我自己的姐妹！”

伊莎萊的手滑過我的臉頰，輕柔地抓起我的下顎，然后她轉(zhuǎn)過我的頭直到我們面對面。

我知道自己正在哭泣。我知道自己的眼睛又紅又腫，也知道在雨水中的微量化學(xué)成分的刺激下，皮膚上留下了一條條鹽漬。

然后，伊莎萊靠近了些，跪在地上，把雙臂滑倒我的身下——一只在膝蓋下，一只在后背上——然后帶著費力的聲音把我舉了起來，抱著我走進居所，然后是浴室。

她放了一浴池的熱水，在放水的過程中小心翼翼地從我身上剝下了緊身服。我順從了她，我現(xiàn)在已經(jīng)做得太過出格，以至于無論如何都阻止不了她……我已經(jīng)怕自己與她靠得太近，怕這么做會詛咒我的靈魂。而盡管有著這樣的戒備，我還是設(shè)法讓伊莎萊靠近了我的心口，直至緊緊地貼在一起，我這么做的時候甚至都意識不到。

這樣看來抗拒一次沐浴也太孩子氣了。

我讓她把我放進熱水里，她在脫下了自己的皮衣后也加入進來，然后我便讓她像一直以來的那樣為我洗漱。伊莎萊對我的觸碰是如此的小心。有那么一會兒，盡管還帶著自恨的情緒，我還是發(fā)現(xiàn)自己靠在了她的身上，輕微地哼出了一聲謝意。

啊……就是這樣。

在她沖洗我的頭發(fā)時，我意識到了。我意識到在那里，在那個陽臺上，我已經(jīng)做出了選擇。

在帝國和流亡之間，在誓言和本心之間，在姐妹們和……和伊莎萊之間。

我選擇了伊莎萊。

“亞歷莎？”

我喜歡她叫我的名字的方式。在這之前我從未允許自己有這個想法，可我的確這么做了。我愛她的舌頭卷出“s”音的樣子，和她的口音對元音的點綴。我喜愛著她每當念及我的名字時嗓音的溫柔，無論她心情如何，無論發(fā)生著什么事……如果她在對我說話，或者是提及到我，那嗓音還會再溫柔幾分。

隨著伊莎萊把我洗了個干凈，我轉(zhuǎn)過身來，自她回歸后頭一次完全對上她的眼睛。

她看上去十分疲憊……眼睛下出現(xiàn)了之前從未有過的眼袋，我不知道這是因為壓力還是因為擔(dān)憂。

無論是什么，我都會撫慰它。

我從浴池中走上臺階，與此同時我牽起了伊莎萊的手，領(lǐng)著她一起出去。她跟上來了……一直如此，我不得不咽下一聲苦笑，因為現(xiàn)在我只會對自己承認那一點，一直都是。

承認早幾個小時可能會有些幫助。

伊莎萊——以她的那些咆哮、哂笑，和冷幽默為代價——幾乎總是按照我的要求去做，只要我愿意向她提要求。她在幾乎每件事上都順從我，而我直到現(xiàn)在才有所察覺……我竟愚蠢到以為她會傷害我的姐妹們。

畢竟，她幾乎已經(jīng)告訴過我她不會這么做了。

伊莎萊以一種我不應(yīng)得的尊重擦干了我，但我至少讓她這樣做了。我知道她喜歡觸碰我，而現(xiàn)在我愿意承認：我無比地享受她對我的觸碰。

知道她擦干了自己的日出般的長發(fā)后，我才再次牽起她的手，把她向我拉去。

“你的緊身服，”她說道，但我搖了搖頭。

“不要管它了。”

“亞歷莎？”

“跟著我就是了，”我柔聲說道，又一次拉起她的手，然后一如既往地，她屈服了，并跟了上了。

我領(lǐng)著她走過住所的書房，兩個人都像出生那天一樣一絲不掛，然后走過門廳進入臥室，隨后我把她拉進來，猛地關(guān)上門，轉(zhuǎn)身把雙手搭在了她的肩膀上。

“亞歷莎？！”她的嗓音里帶著一絲驚恐，但她的雙臂依舊環(huán)抱著我的腰。

親愛的伊莎萊啊，你可真是相當不擅長對我說“不”，不是嗎？

“怎么了，‘萊？”我移得更近了些，直到兩人幾乎完全齊平，我的嘴唇離她的只有一個指尖的寬度。

“我告訴過你，”伊莎萊說，聽上去很擔(dān)心?！拔也粫哪隳羌橙　?/p>

“我沒讓你從我這汲取，”這次由我打斷她，然后我俯身，把我的嘴唇輕柔地貼上了她的。

她整個人都貼在了我的身上，喉嚨后面發(fā)出了一聲低吼。我知道她想要像在小教堂里那樣汲取。我能感受到胸腔深處的牽拉感，好像什么人拉錯了一根線一樣。

這種感覺沒有持續(xù)下去，我知道它不會的。

伊莎萊無論如何也不會傷害我。

隨著我們的分開，伊莎萊以探查的目光注視著我的眼睛。我讓她看了下去，并看著她的目光在我的臉上劃過，我不知道為什么自己以前從來沒有見過這種情況，那目光里帶著溫暖……不，不只是溫暖，還有著什么遠比這更深邃的東西。

“什么……你想從我這里得到什么，亞歷莎？”她的聲線變成了干渴而饑餓的刺聲。

我已經(jīng)在陽臺上做出了選擇。

我拉開了距離，并有些欣慰地感受到了伊莎萊的抓握中短暫的猶豫。她不想放開我，但她還是放手了，就像一直以來只要我想她就會去做的那樣。我走到床邊，穿過它直至處在我平常呆著的地方，然后示意她也加入我。

那個瞬間，我學(xué)到了黑暗靈族臉紅的樣子，而我會永遠珍藏這個瞬間。

但她還是跟上我了，在她靠得夠近的那個瞬間我便蜷縮在她的身旁，用雙腿纏繞著她的雙腿，又把她拉近到只有一息之隔。

“我想從你那里得到什么？”我重復(fù)道，隨后俯身，印下了比我認為她所期待的更加熱情似火的吻——一陣短暫而狂野的貼合，而當我起身時，我雙手捧起了她的臉，然后回答了她：

?

原文：

Unfair.

It was the first word that sprang to mind as I considered my position. I was torn between two worlds that had no place among one another. There was my world, the Imperium that held my oath and what should have been my unswerving loyalty, and the world that seemed more and more to be contained to this small, prefabricated set of quarters where I lived with Isarae.

This infinitesimal point in the galaxy which had, in short order, become such a powerful draw for me.

My oath to my Order and to the God-Emperor had once felt unshakeable, and then Isarae had come into my life, nursed me back to health, treated me with kindness and affection, and suddenly…

I sighed quietly as I fitted the Artificer Armour to my body, each piece clicking into place with a muttered litany. I would have to have the armourers reconsecrate it as soon as I was back in the priory. I had enough knowledge of the Rites of Armament that I was reasonably sure I could don it without offending the machine spirit, but this armour was ancient, noble, and made for one whose faith had never wavered.

Unlike me.

Unlike the woman who would be so petty as to consider her plight to be ‘unfair’.

I was gifted with strength, training, blessed wargear, and the love of the Emperor, and I had the audacity to resent these gifts because Isarae’s continued presence did not count among them.

And yet, resent them I did.

I slammed a fresh magazine into my bolter, perhaps a bit more harshly than was warranted, and racked the feed. The counter displayed a full count, and I stowed another three more full magazines across my armor before maglocking the weapon to my hip.

The weight of this armour should have been light, carried as it was on the sacred servos and support chassis of the machine, but instead it was almost suffocating.

There was no world in which I deserved to wear this armour. I who had failed to even correctly die amongst my sisters. I who had failed to kill a xeno witch, and instead…

Instead I…

I lifted my fingers to my lips.

Though many cycles had passed since the events of the chapel, I could still feel her there. I could taste the softness of her mouth and the strength of her arms as she cradled me. There was nothing like it in my mind, it had seared itself there indelibly, and I wasn’t sure I wanted it gone even though I knew it was a sin.

She had been dying, and I had offered myself to her. I had let a witch taste of my soul to save her from a rightful and earned damnation because I…?

“Isarae,” I whispered her name, and on its heels a splinter of pain entered my heart.

She would return soon, it had been hours since she’d left and she would be back in short order unless she wanted to risk the heavy rainfall. I’d needed those hours to find the strength to do this, because after she’d gone I had simply sat on the long couch despondently with my hand held out beside me as if waiting for her to join me and put her hand in mine like she always did.

I’d spent hours sitting there, a pain aching in my chest as I tried not to imagine how empty my life would be in just another cycle. Less than a cycle and my Isarae would be gone forever, and I would be back among my sisters to spend the rest of my days and nights trying to forget a pair of wisteria eyes and lips like soft clover.

So I’d busied myself with the armour, finally donning it after so long avoiding doing so out of guilt and shame. This way, when Isarae got back, whether she had located my sisters or not, I would tell her the truth, then I would reactivate the transponder.

Maybe she would be angry with me, or perhaps she would be flattered at my choice. Either way, it would be an ending to this strange life we had made for ourselves here.

She would leave me to find her death, and I knew in my heart that a part of me would go out and die with her.

Perhaps after returning to my Order, I would take up the mantle of Repentia.

My death would be assured, and perhaps in that I could find some manner of atonement for my sins over these many cycles.

And in the deepest shadows of my mind I wondered if, maybe, I would find Isarae waiting for me too.

The sound of explosive rounds tore me from my thoughts, and I jerked my head up sharply at the noise. It wasn’t the unhealthy cough of Ork shootas making that sound, but the strong steady bark of an Imperial bolter, and it was?incredibly near.

Shaking the last cobwebs from my mind, I dashed out to the balcony and leaned against the railing, hanging to the side and looking back and forth, straining my ears to try and locate the source of the sounds through the acoustic shadows of the Hive spires.

Another explosion caught my eye and I turned and looked down, my breath catching in my throat as I saw the source of the fighting.

The plaza adjacent to the spire, where Isarae had laid her trap for the Orks and instead had inadvertently caught a wounded and overly curious sister of battle, was alight with gunfire, and in the midst of all it was her.

“Isarae,” terror gripped my heart as I said the name.

She was spinning, rolling, and diving to avoid the gunfire and, to my horror, I watched as two squads of?my own sisterhood?emerged from the shadows of the alleys and narrow streets to surround Isarae, guns leveled and aimed with the clockwork precision I had once been so proud of.

Amidst them, Isarae watched warily, the haft of her razorflail gripped tightly in her hands.

Isarae was surrounded, outnumbered, and outgunned by a dozen of the Imperium’s finest mortal warriors and, with that knowledge, I was absolutely certain of one thing, and one thing only.

All of my sisters below were about to die.

I had watched Isarae eviscerate almost a hundred Orks in the span of heartbeats. She moved like she could walk on lightning and dance across water, and as much as I loved my sisters and respected them I was certain that not a single one of their rounds would so much as touch Isarae as she tore their bodies apart.

Shakily, I reached into the cache of my armour and drew out a scope, locked it to the bolter, and moved to the edge of the rail before kneeling, bracing, and taking aim.

I aimed at Isarae’s heart.

It was the only choice.

She didn’t know I was here. She was powerful, but not perfect, and by now I knew her movements almost as well as I knew my own. If it was me, I knew I could hit her… I could hit Isarae before she killed a single one of my sisters.

Maybe this was how it should be.

Isarae wanted death, it was her first and only purpose on this world, and I would be the one to give it to her.

One bolt, center mass. Instant, quick, and clean.

I would kill my beloved Isarae and she would never even feel it, never have time to feel my betrayal. It was the coldest, cruelest, and only mercy that I could give her.

Tears rolled down my cheeks and my hands shook as I breathed in harsh gulps of air.

The Sister Superior of one of the squads was speaking to Isarae, and Isarae was speaking back. She had that sardonic look on her face, the one that said she was laughing at you just a little. I loved that look because it was always playful when it was aimed at me, but the look I loved best was the one she wore while she was sleeping.

It looked like peace, and I found myself hoping that would be the look she wore when I killed her.

On a whim, I blink-clicked the internal vox of my suit on and tuned it to the nearest command frequency.

//-lie as my kind breathe, Eldar, why should I believe you?//

I winced, the words sounded harsh and I knew I had said almost identical ones to Isarae when we had met. I regretted those words terribly, and only now did I realise I had never apologised for them. I should have told her I was sorry for my words when we first met, I should have told her how much I cared and how much she meant to me.

Isarae had told?me, just before she left.

I do this because you are precious to me, Alessa.

//Very well, take aim sisters.//

I went rigid. This was the moment… this was where Isarae would move. In the bare instant of their pulled triggers, she would move and slaughter them. In that moment, when they were partially blinded by the muzzle flash of their own bolters and their reflexes just marginally slower than they might have otherwise been, she would end their lives.

//Submit to death.// The sister intoned.

Taking a deep breath, I steadied my hand, took aim again, and forced back my tears.

There was no prayer to the Emperor on my lips this time, just a name.

One name.

“Isarae.”

//Submit to the fate of all xenobreed who dare lay a single twisted limb upon the holy demesne of Him On Earth.//

The crosshairs of my scope were trained over her heart, and I refused to pray this time. I refused to lift a single word on high. This would be my sin, and I would bear it for the rest of my days.

I watched as Isarae gripped her razorflail, and I tensed my finger over the trigger.?

I watched as she raised it outward, her sharp, beautiful eyes never wavering as she met the gaze of the Sister Superior. I tried to fix that image in my mind, that fearless face with its wonderful eyes and sunrise hair.

I watched… as she let out a breath and?dropped her weapon.

Even though I was too far distant to hear it strike the ground, I could still feel it echoing in my ears. The clatter of the segmented blades striking the stonework plaza was deafening to me even though I knew in the back of my mind that I could not possibly hear the sound itself.

Isarae’s lips moved, and though I couldn’t hear her voice either I could read the three simple words easily enough.

I so submit.

There were several sharp intakes of breath over the vox network, the sounds of shock and surprise from my sisters as a lethal enemy seemingly chose death or vengeance or violence. It was absolutely impossible to reason the why of it… at least it would be impossible for them, and for anyone else who did not know Isarae as I did.

//An Eldar who knows her place.// The certain tone of the Sister Superior rankled at me, and bile filled my throat. //Truly, the God-Emperor graces us with miracles this day.//?

They could not know.

They couldn’t know that Isarae wasn’t simply accepting her death. She could find any death in all the galaxy if she so desired… she was choosing this death for one reason and one reason only.

My hands were shaking again as I watched Isarae bow her head, and shame filled my heart. It was different this time, though, because before this I had known shame only for my actions and my sins against the God-Emperor and my sisters, but now?

Now my shame was so much heavier because I had betrayed Isarae. My wonderful, beautiful Isarae who I had been prepared to kill had, unaware of the threat I posed, chosen to mercifully spare my sisters because of?me.

That notion was cemented as I read her last words on her lips.

Forgive me.

Oh, Isarae… there was nothing to forgive.

Her next words were curling Aeldari syllables, but the final word at the end of the sentence was one I knew well.

It wasn’t an Aeldari word after all.

Her final word was my name.

//Execute her.//

I didn’t even think before I moved. I altered my aim in an instant, slammed the bolter against the rail, leaned my weight against it, flipped the setting to fully automatic, and was only dimly aware of my own voice screaming in manifold rage as I unloaded the full magazine straight down into the plaza-

-and across my own sisters’ heads.

Their line shattered instantly, sending my sisters scattering in a panic as the plaza detonated wildly around them. My bolter roared before hammering dry, and I threw the empty magazine, slammed a new one home, racked the feed and fired again.

Another hail of bolts chewed apart the plaza, and my sisters scrambled for the cover of alleyways and, somewhere in the chaos, I noted that Isarae had taken advantage of the tumult to simply vanish, taking her razorflail with her.

My sisters didn’t even bother panning for the threat I posed, they were too busy sprinting for cover. A few of them fired blind, controlled bursts in my vague direction, but it was clear that none of them knew where I was firing from. I had a total drop on them and they were following standard combat protocol against ambushes now which was to splinter, regroup, reassess, and strike back.

There would be nothing to strike back against by the time they rallied, though.

The sole consolation that I could claim after having loosed the contents of two full magazines into a formation of my own sisterhood was that none of them had fallen to my shots. The distance had been too great, the spread too wide, and the worst any of them had suffered was a ricochet or caught a piece of shrapnel.

Still, I had undoubtedly spilled blood.

Sororitas?blood.?

Worse, I had done so using one of our own sacred armaments. I had done the very thing I had sworn not to permit the Orks to be able to do, and I had done so in defense of the heretical existence of a Dark Eldar.

I stumbled back from the edge of the balcony so none of the rallying sisters would see me as I collapsed to my knees. The bolter I’d been gripping like death fell from numb fingers to strike the ground with a dull thud.

My vision was a dull gray tunnel, and my breathing could only come in short, sharp rasps as I started to scrabble at the catches of the chapel armor.

I couldn’t recall the Litanies of Disarmament, but it didn’t matter. Being removed a little roughly was hardly the worst heresy this suit had suffered, and I could only assume that the sooner it was no longer protecting my unworthy flesh the happier the machine spirit would be.

Greaves, sabatons, and vambraces crashed onto the ground, I nearly tore the catch on the cuirass as I pulled it free as well, and soon enough I was sitting on the balcony wearing only a slightly scuffed bodyglove with my knees pulled tight against my chest as I rocked back and forth and tried not to vomit amidst the shed armour and spent shell casings.

That was how Isarae found me an hour later.

Her footsteps were soft, but I would know that gentle, near-soundless tread even in the heat of battle. The steps approached slowly, terminating at the balcony doors which were only a meter or so behind me.

“So it?was?you,” Isarae said in the quietest voice I’d ever heard her use.

I was still staring blankly out across the Hive, the rain had been pouring in earnest for about half an hour now but I hadn’t noticed it until Isarae’s voice broke me out of my fugue.

She moved up beside me and sat cross-legged by side. Her hand swept along the floor and lifted up a few charred casings, damp from rainfall, and sighed.

“You should have let them end me,?Cre’yth,” she said.

“I thought you were going to kill them,” the words came out before anything else. I think I had too many sins weighing on me, and I needed to unburden at least a few of them. “I had my bolter trained on you, right… right across your heart.”

I didn’t look at her.?

How could I??

How could I look Isarae in the eye and tell her I had been prepared to kill her because I had thought she would murder the women of my order that I had sworn to protect? I’d had no proof that she would do something like that beyond the teachings of the Schola and the Imperium, and my own experience told me clearly that she had a heart, and that there was kindness within it.

Instead I just hung my head and sobbed.

“I’m sorry…” the words came out broken and cracked.

“Don’t be,” Isarae replied, the shell casings clattered as she tossed them to the side, sending them rolling off the balcony.

“How can you-?”

“You keep to your oaths,” Isarae cut me off. “You protected your sisters, and then… then you protected me.”

“I fired on my own sisters,” I spoke the words hollowly. I knew that, regardless of whether or not I said it aloud, my actions were real, but saying it somehow made it worse. “I… I?attacked?my own sisters!”

Isarae’s hand slid around my cheek, grasping my jaw gently, and she turned my head until I was facing her.

I knew I was crying, I knew that my eyes were red and puffy, and there were tracks of salt running down skin that's irritated from the slight chemical composition of the rain.

Then, Isarae moved closer, knelt, slipped her arms under me, one beneath my knees and the other at my back, and picked me up with a noise of effort and strain, before carrying me back into the quarters, then to the bath.

She ran it hot and while it filled she stripped the bodyglove from me carefully. I let her, I was too far gone now to stop her anyway… I had been afraid of getting too close to her, that doing so would damn my soul, and despite that wariness I had managed to bring Isarae so close to my heart that she and it were now impossible to differentiate, and I had done so without even realising it.

So a bath seemed somewhat childish to protest against.

I let her lower me into the hot water, and she followed me a moment after doffing her own leathers, and I let her wash me like she always did. Isarae touched me with such care, and within moments, in spite of my self-hatred, I found myself leaning back against her and making small noises of appreciation.

Ah… that’s it.

I realised it as she was rinsing my hair. I realised that out there, on that balcony, I had made a choice.

Between Imperium and exile, between oath and heart, between sisterhood and… and Isarae.

I had chosen Isarae.

“Alessa?”

I liked how she said my name. I’d never let myself have the thought before, but I truly did. I loved the way her tongue rolled across the ‘s’s, and how her accent colored the vowels. I adored how her voice always softened when she said my name, no matter the mood she was in or what was happening… if she was speaking to me, or of me, it would come out that much softer.

As Isarae finished washing me, I turned and met her eyes fully for the first time since she came back.

She looked tired… there were bags under her eyes that hadn’t been there before, and I wondered if it was stress or worry.

Whatever it was, I would soothe it.

I moved up the steps out of the bath, and as I did I took Isarae’s hand and guided her out with me. She followed… she always did, and I had to hold back a bitter laugh as I only admitted that to myself now, of all times.

Admitting that a few hours earlier might’ve helped.

Isarae, for all her bluster and sardonic smiles and acid humor, nearly always did what I asked so long as I was willing to ask it of her. She caved to me on almost everything, and I’d never even noticed until now… I’d been a fool to think she would ever harm my sisters.

After all, she’d all but told me she wouldn’t.

Isarae dried me with a reverence I did not deserve, but I let her do it anyway. I know that she liked to touch me, and now I was willing to admit that I enjoyed her touching me just as much if not a great deal more.

Only once she was done drying her own long, sunrise hair, did I take her hand again and pull her after me.

“Your bodyglove,” she began, but I shook my head.

“Leave it.”

“Alessa?”

“Just follow me,” I said softly, pulling on her hand again and, as always, she caved and followed.

I led us through the den of the quarters, both naked as the day we were born, then down the hallway and into the bedroom, and as I pulled her inside I shut the door, turned to her, and draped my arms across her shoulders.

“Alessa?!” there was a tone of alarm in her voice, but her arms went around my waist all the same.

Dear Isarae, you truly are terrible at saying no to me, aren’t you?

“Yes, ‘Rae?” I shifted a little closer until we were nearly flush, and my lips were a fingertip’s breadth from hers.

“I told you,” Isarae said, sounding worried. “I will not drink from-”

“I’m not asking you to drink from me,” I cut her off this time, then I lean in and press my lips gently to hers.

She melts against me, and a low growl starts in the back of her throat. I know that she wants to drink the way that she did in the chapel. I can feel the tug somewhere deep behind my ribcage, like someone pulling at an errant string.

It goes no further, just as I knew it would not.

Isarae would never hurt me, after all.

As we parted, Isarae stared into my eyes with a searching gaze. I let her look, and I watched as her eyes traced across my face, and I don’t know why I never saw it before, there was warmth there… no, not just warmth, but something far deeper.

“What… what do you want from me, Alessa?” Her voice was a dry, hungry rasp.

I’d made my choice on the balcony.

Pulling away, I was a little gratified to feel the brief hesitation of Isarae’s grip. She didn’t want to let go of me, but she did, as she always would so long as it was what I wanted. I moved to the bed, slipped across it until I was in my usual place, then gestured for her to join me.

That was the moment I learned what a Druchi looked like when she blushed, and it was a sight I would treasure forever.

But she followed me nonetheless, and I curled up against her the moment she was near enough, twining my legs with hers, then drew her close until we were breaths apart.

“What do I want from you?” I repeated, then I leaned in and kissed her with more passion and fire than I think even she was expecting, a short, furious press of lips, and when I pulled away I took her face in both hands and answered her.

“I want you to make love to me.”