我是一個消極的人，我永遠在我的黃昏看著我的日落，看著它入土。偶然一瞥，我看見了清晨中的你向我伸出手，金輝斥退了我的陰霾。我以為我可以和你一樣了，我沉湎于你的朝氣與活力。當你離去、我醒來時，我還在我的黃昏看著我的日落，我又揮霍掉了一整個晴天。

I’m a negative person. I’m always en-route seeking sundown and watch it sink. But it took only a glance with your hand bringing me to your twilight. I thought everything changed. I rejoiced your ups and downs. When you’re gone and I’m awake. It’s sundown again. I had another whole-day squander.

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你總是說我情緒化。對，你是理性又成熟，你每次遇到困難推開所有人一個人流淚一個人扛的時候看起來也真的理性又成熟。我是情緒化、不成熟、理想化…你對，你什么都對。但是你真的覺得你推開我獨自承受然后不知道過多久再回到我身邊是為了我好嗎？我遇到什么滿腹牢騷和你說很久很久，我知道你可能根本就沒在聽但是我知道你在陪我。我們是朋友，朋友！你說沒有人能一直陪你下去，我再理想化也做不出這樣的保證，但是在我能陪你的時候你為什么還要像你永遠一個人一樣。我不理解，我不理解，我不理解。

You always say I’m emotional. That’s right. You are rational and mature, and you look exactly that way when you hold your tears and run away with your burden, like no one else ever had it. I’m emotional, immature, idealistic and so on. I am everything you are not. That’s right. You’re right. You’re always right. But you really think it is for my sake that you suck it up in isolation with only yourself? Whenever I whine to you and talk shit with you, I know you probably had no ears on you, but you are there. You were there! We are friends, friend-s! you said no one can be with you for a life long, and even I am not idealistic enough to make that promise. But when I am here with you, right here, why you act like you’re an all-time loner. I don’t get it. I don’t understand it. I don’t feel it. I don’t relate to it. It doesn’t make sense to me!

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我當然是內(nèi)耗的。曾經(jīng)的我過度在意別人的眼光，我無法接受我衣衫不整、蓬頭垢面地出門，哪怕只是下樓拿快遞。穿睡衣、拖鞋出門是我很長一段時間無法跨越的鴻溝。在教室里我總是把我的課桌、抽屜整理得一絲不茍。所有書本都按科目、大小和顏色排好順序堆疊。有一次，就那么一次，我神經(jīng)病發(fā)作翻亂了所有東西，就那么堆在桌上。就那么一次，我就從我的老師處得了一句臟亂差。等我收拾好情緒重新整理好東西，他們才覺得我受刺激了——呵呵。

Obviously I suffer from excruciating self-exhaustion, but to be honest, I’m much better now, comparing to the younger me. I once gave too much crap about how people would see me. I couldn’t accept myself in the public without a tidying-up ahead. It was a long-term obstacle for me to wear pajamas and slippers outside, even when I was just getting my mails. In the classroom, I always organized my shit discreetly. I arranged all books by their courses, size and color. Onetime, only once, I rummaged for something with a mental-break-down, and left it a shambles on my desk. Just that time, I got a comment from a teacher, that I sit in squalor. When I finally pulled myself together and had everything re-organized, they figured something happened to me, just hilarious.

我曾一度驕傲于我罵人的水平與準則。我不說臟話；就事論事，不翻舊賬，不連坐其他人；不造謠不生事。那時候的我覺得自己了不起得很，時代的標桿、道德的楷模。后來發(fā)現(xiàn)自己面對不講道理不要臉的人我連口都開不了。傻得可以是真的。有人拿道德當武器綁架別人，我倒轉(zhuǎn)武器脅迫自己。我真的希望有一天我能毫無負擔地對別人喊出一句“操你媽”，然而這只是我受到的無端謾罵中最微不足道的一句。

I was once complacent about how I argue with people. I never do insults, and never use vulgar words to vilify others; I stick to the fact, and never dig up old beef; I don’t make up slanders out of thin air, and I make sure there will be no collateral damage. Then I found out I couldn’t even finish a sentence dealing with shameless ones. Just stupid I was. Some make moral standards a gun to hold others hostage, however I point the gun at my own head. I wish that one day I can just say “?fuck you”?without beating myself up later, and the F-word is just nothing compared to other gratuitous stigmatization I received.

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有人說limerence是個很美的詞，它描述了最單純最美好的愛戀。那我希望你美一輩子好吧,如果不夠，請你，求求你帶上我的那一份一邊美去吧。

Some say the word “?limerence”?is beautiful. The love it depicts is pristine and romantic. Well, I hope you find your “?beauty”?soon and hold on to it. Please take mine with you if you think yours is not enough. I bet with all the limerence I’ve ever had, you will put the world in awe of your “?beauty”.

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我受不了你的冷暴力了，我主動斷了。然后你說和敏感細膩的人相處真的難，什么都要怕傷害到對方，讓對方多想。到底是你多想了還是我多想了，你自己選的要考慮我的感受，感動自己，最后就歸結(jié)于我這類人麻煩了是嗎？你讓別人都覺得你體貼入微而我是個瘋子。你從閃爍其詞到什么都不說，然后責怪我胡思亂想。你只是曾經(jīng)給過我那么一點點的安心，我經(jīng)常地睡不好而你讓我安然入睡過一次。就那一點點，就那一次，我再也忘不了那晚你聲音有多溫柔耐心。然后我看著你一點一點變冷漠。我謝謝你曾經(jīng)出現(xiàn)，也謝謝你現(xiàn)在干凈麻利地滾。

I couldn’t stand your silence abuse, so I broke it off. Then you said dealing with sensitive people is a hassle, you were always on the edge, afraid of that you might hurt them. You chose to be “?considerate”, and made you think you were a good person, but, in the end, you blamed me for being sensitive. You impressed everyone with how thoughtful you were, and I was just a crazy one who never stopped asking for more. You picked up prevarication for a while, then just nothing, and you blamed me for being too paranoid. You gave me a teeny tiny bit of comfort, and a night of sleep at ease, freed, spared, unfettered from my long-term insomnia. Just that, I could never forget how gentle and patient your voice was that night. I watched you grow distant. Thank you for your being there for me once, and also thank you for your getting the fuck out of my life.

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觀想由心。

My mind sways my view.