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DURING THE SUMMER break before the second year in high school, Tim, Fricko and a few other friends went to Juan-les-Pins on the French Riviera.

在高中第二年暑假之前，Tim、Fricko和其他幾個朋友去了法國里維埃拉的Juan-les-Pins。

One night they partied at Le Village, or maybe it was Whisky à Gogo – whatever it was, on the way home one of them had bought weed from some guy by the beach promenade. The gang went down to the water’s edge, where Tim, under cover of darkness, took two or three drags of the joint.

一個晚上，他們在Le Village或者Whisky à Gogo（具體在哪里他們不記得了）狂歡?；丶业穆飞?，其中一個人在沙灘買了點(diǎn)大麻。一行人來到了水邊，Tim在黑暗中吸了兩三口。

At first nothing happened. And then still nothing. Then Tim’s throat suddenly and completely dried up. He felt his heart beginning to race. A rumble intensified in his head, like a jet engine speeding up before take-off. Each heartbeat throbbed violently against his forehead, but when he checked his heart rate, it turned out that everything was in order, his pulse normal.

一開始什么都沒有發(fā)生。之后還是沒有任何變化。然后 Tim 的喉嚨突然變得干燥無比。他感到自己的心跳開始加快。一陣轟鳴聲在他的腦海中加劇，就像噴氣式發(fā)動機(jī)在起飛前加速。每次心跳都劇烈地撞擊著他的前額，但當(dāng)他檢查心率時，結(jié)果顯示一切都正常，他的脈搏正常。

The knowledge that he might really just be fighting against his own thoughts did not help much. Maybe he would die now?

他意識到他可能只是在和自己的想法作斗爭，但這并沒有起到幫助。也許他現(xiàn)在就要死了？

The feeling passed, Tim came home to Stockholm and forgot about the experience, until one day when he had sat in front of the computer for eleven hours straight. Tired and exhausted, he got up from his chair and his head started spinning again.

那種感覺過去了，Tim回到了斯德哥爾摩，忘記了這次經(jīng)歷，直到有一天他連續(xù)坐在電腦前11個小時。疲憊不堪，他從椅子上站起來，他的頭又開始暈了。

When he regained composure, he looked at the tobacco boxes in a high pile on a shelf above the head of his bed. Next to them hung a framed picture of himself; on the shelf above the desk stood the line of pirated DVDs. Wherever Tim looked, the objects suddenly felt distant, as if he couldn’t reach them.

當(dāng)他恢復(fù)鎮(zhèn)靜時，他看著床頭架上高高堆起的煙草盒子。在它們旁邊掛著一張他的畫像；在桌子上方的架子上則放著一排盜版DVD。無論Tim看向哪里，這些物品突然變得很遙遠(yuǎn)，仿佛他無法觸及它們。

He thought it would be better if he slept for a while, but the next day it was the same. He was somehow encapsulated, no longer belonging to the real world. This was a different feeling from the fear of cancer. That discomfort he felt physically in his chest; this was something more elusive. Had he become mentally ill? Tim had heard that cannabis could trigger psychosis: a condition in which one found it difficult to interpret reality and in the worst case began to feel persecuted or hear voices, or got ideas about ruling the world.

他以為睡一會兒會好些，但第二天情況依然如故。他好像被包裹起來了，不再屬于現(xiàn)實(shí)世界。這種感覺不同于對癌癥的恐懼。他在胸口感到的不適是身體上的，而這是一種更難以捉摸的感覺。他已經(jīng)精神錯亂了嗎？Tim聽說大麻可能會引發(fā)精神?。阂环N使人難以解釋現(xiàn)實(shí)的情況，最壞的情況下會開始感到被迫害或幻聽，或者產(chǎn)生統(tǒng)治世界的想法。

After a few days of worry, Tim decided to tell his mother everything. He had smoked and now there was something wrong with his head. Maybe he had gone insane.

經(jīng)過幾天的擔(dān)憂，Tim決定把一切告訴他的母親。他吸了煙，現(xiàn)在他的腦袋有些不對勁。也許他已經(jīng)瘋了。

‘It’s as if I’m standing outside of everything,’ Tim said to Anki. ‘I’ve, like, lost contact with myself.’

“就好像我站在所有事情之外一樣，”Tim對Anki說，“我就像與自己失去了聯(lián)系。”

His parents thought it was good that Tim had the confidence and courage to dare to tell them what had happened in France. This would all work out. Klas tried to reassure his son by telling him that he had had similar feelings when he was Tim’s age: a kind of confusion and uncertainty. Terrifying nights when he felt as though reality was failing. He himself had handled it by writing down his thoughts. When he put his thoughts into words, the knots untied, life became steady again. Tim did not have to be afraid of that feeling of discomfort, it was just a matter of finding out what was haunting him.

他的父母認(rèn)為Tim有勇氣和自信向他們坦白在法國發(fā)生的事情是一件好事。一切都會好起來的。Klas試圖安慰他的兒子，告訴他自己在他這個年紀(jì)時，也有過類似的感受：一種困惑和不確定感。在令人恐懼的夜晚，他感覺現(xiàn)實(shí)正在崩潰。他通過寫下自己的想法來處理這種情況。當(dāng)他把自己的想法用文字表達(dá)出來時，心結(jié)就會打開，生活再次變得平穩(wěn)。Tim不必害怕那種不適感，只需要找出是什么在困擾他。

They got in contact with professionals in child and adolescent psychiatry and accompanied Tim to the hospital in Sabbatsberg, where he was seen by a psychologist who specialised in talking to young people.

他們聯(lián)系了兒童和青少年精神病學(xué)專業(yè)人士，并陪同Tim前往Sabbatsberg的醫(yī)院，在那里他接受了一位專門與年輕人交談的心理學(xué)家的診療。

Tim left with mixed feelings. It was nice to talk about it, but the fact that he had needed to seek care strengthened his conviction that something was seriously wrong with him.

Tim帶著復(fù)雜的情緒離開了。談?wù)撨@件事是很好的，但是他需要尋求幫助的事實(shí)讓他更加堅信自己有嚴(yán)重的問題。

Anki was impressed with her son. She thought about how she herself had been as a teenager – she had never revealed a single bit about her inner life to her parents.

Anki對她的兒子印象深刻。她想起自己十幾歲時的樣子——她從未向父母透露過內(nèi)心的任何一點(diǎn)。

‘There is one good thing about this,’ she told her husband. ‘We never have to worry about Tim falling for drugs.’

“這件事情有一個好處，”她告訴她的丈夫。“我們永遠(yuǎn)不用擔(dān)心Tim會沉迷于毒品?！?/span>

On the surface, Tim was almost back to normal in the following weeks. In the corridor at ?stra Real there were other things that caught his attention; he laughed as he sat at the table next to the lockers, talked about documentaries and games with his classmates.

在表面上，接下來的幾周里，Tim幾乎恢復(fù)了正常。在 ?stra Real 的走廊上，有其他的事情引起了他的注意；他坐在儲物柜旁邊的桌子上笑著，與同學(xué)們談?wù)摷o(jì)錄片和游戲。

The anxiety crept in in the evenings, when he was alone and going to sleep. He was afraid that his thoughts would start up again when he turned off the light. After three weeks, the discomfort was still not gone. On the contrary, it was almost worse. Now the thoughts no longer revolved around the actual bad trip in France, but around everything it had put in motion. Tim was worried about the fact that he was worried, and that he did not understand where the feeling came from. He lived a good life in every way, was lucky, even spoiled. A safe and secure upbringing in one of Sweden’s richest areas, a childhood free of any major traumas.

焦慮在晚上悄悄襲來，當(dāng)他獨(dú)自一人入睡時。他擔(dān)心一旦關(guān)燈，思緒會再次涌上心頭。三周過去了，不適感仍未消失，反而更嚴(yán)重了?，F(xiàn)在，他的思維不再圍繞著在法國的那次糟糕旅行，而是關(guān)注于那次旅行引發(fā)的一切。Tim 擔(dān)心自己為什么會感到擔(dān)憂，而且他不明白這種感覺從何而來。他的生活在各個方面都很好，非常幸運(yùn)，甚至有些被寵壞了。他在瑞典最富裕的地區(qū)之一長大，童年沒有經(jīng)歷過任何重大的創(chuàng)傷。

It must mean that there was something wrong with him himself? That the toxic feelings were simply there in his interior, as steady as the stone houses in ?stermalm? Maybe he was doomed to this, equipped with a brain that was damaged, already screwed up.

這一定意味著他自己出了問題？那些有毒的情緒就在他內(nèi)心深處，像?stermalm的石頭房子一樣穩(wěn)固？也許他注定要這樣，他的大腦已經(jīng)受損，已經(jīng)被搞壞了。

As he made an effort to analyse his situation, his thoughts bounced around in his head without ever gaining a foothold. Tim read online about the concept of derealisation, a condition in which one’s environment felt unreal. It was reminiscent of the mother in Requiem for a Dream, a film he had been particularly taken by. A middle-aged woman dreamed of one day being able to take part in a game show on television. She started taking pills to lose weight and fit into her favourite dress. The madness escalated and after a while she nibbled on pills like sweets as her apartment closed in around her. Eventually, the entire living room was distorted and threatening, and when the paramedics came for her, she asked in a daze if they would drive her to the TV studio.

當(dāng)他試圖分析自己的處境時，他的思緒在腦海中不停地反彈，卻始終無法找到著落。Tim在網(wǎng)上讀到了人格解體的概念，一種讓人感到周圍環(huán)境不真實(shí)的狀況。這讓他想起了電影《夢之安魂曲》中的母親，這部電影深深地吸引了他。一個中年女人夢想有一天能夠參加電視游戲節(jié)目。她開始服用減肥藥，試圖瘦下來穿上她最喜歡的裙子。她的瘋狂不斷升級，不久后她就像吃糖果一樣咀嚼藥丸，而她的公寓也開始包圍她。最終，整個客廳都變得扭曲且充滿威脅，當(dāng)醫(yī)護(hù)人員來接她時，她恍惚地問他們是否能開車送她到電視臺。

Derealisation. It sounded so frightening. Could this be something similar? Either way, Tim had lost the urge to go out and party. If he got drunk anything could happen, he thought.

人格解體。這聽起來太可怕了。這可能是類似的東西嗎？無論如何，Tim已經(jīng)失去了外出聚會的沖動。他想，如果他喝醉了，任何事情都可能發(fā)生。

In order to get advice from others who had experienced something similar, he started a thread on Flashback, Sweden’s largest online discussion forum, where people from all over the country exchanged thoughts on everything from gardening to drug addiction to celebrity gossip.

為了從那些有過相似經(jīng)歷的人那里獲得建議，他在Flashback上開了一個帖子。Flashback是瑞典最大的在線討論論壇，來自全國各地的人們在上面交換各種想法，從園藝到藥物成癮再到名人八卦。

Tim wrote:

Tim寫下：

Feels like I can’t really think clearly like I could three weeks ago, feels like everything is meaningless when the feeling is at its worst.

感覺自己無法像三周前那樣清晰地思考，當(dāng)情緒達(dá)到最低谷時，一切似乎都毫無意義。

I’m also worried about losing control of myself when I’m tipsy. Have never had these kinds of problems before but I’m worried that my anxiety will increase when I get drunk and that I’ll feel like nothing matters and take my life or something :P.

我也擔(dān)心在喝醉時失去自我控制。以前從未遇到過這樣的問題，但我擔(dān)心當(dāng)我喝醉時焦慮會加劇，我會覺得什么都不重要，然后自殺什么的:P。

As the weeks went on Tim worked out a strategy for managing his anxiety. He would simply turn off. Stop thinking so damn much. If he kept busy with other things, it would surely fade away.

隨著時間的推移，Tim找到了一種管理焦慮的策略。他只需要關(guān)掉自己。別再想那么多。只要他忙于其他事情，焦慮肯定會消失。

譯者注：文中提到的Flashback的帖子現(xiàn)在仍然能訪問，網(wǎng)址

https://www.flashback.org/t394037

原貼是瑞典語，我用deepl翻譯了一下