I think of myself as a grade-two?thinker, more than that of William Golding's statement, an individual who is ambivalent, thinking but bowing to prejudice, holding on but still bound by desire, armed with knowledge but still lacking independence.

I have always believed that my thinking is different, and I believe that the breadth, depth, and precision of my thinking are far beyond comprehension. I even use it?to prove that true masterpieces are often too high to be popular. Take the superhero movies that have been hits?during?the last two decades. I've always had my Marvel scholars?around me, but I've always enshrined the dark and social elements of DC films. Zack Snyder's “Watchmen”?and Christopher Nolan's “Batman”?trilogy are the masterpieces of my heart forever. Marvel's popcorn-like, mass-produced movies?are, in my eyes, inarticulate and presumptuous, with flowery special effects and wizened plots that I find hard to take?in?in one gulp. I have always been proud to have this kind of thinking, which is a reflection of my independent thinking and higher level of knowledge. This sense of pride is at an unprecedented pitch after?I saw a series of world-renowned directors, including Cameron, give interviews in which they criticized Marvel as a dump and a vandal of the film industry—great minds think alike. But unfortunately, when these Marvel fans invited me to go see the latest Marvel movie, the high-minded ego?decided to go. I was exhilarated and satisfied by the time I actually munched on the "crap", and ended up arguing about the real meaning of the Easter eggs and nods as well as?the insinuative?hints.?I was the one who refused the charity while gobbling up the food in the bowl.

For me, life is the key to the paradox. When somebody?comes?up to you?and thrusts?a wad of bills into your?hand, I won't be the one to say no, even if I still can't change the fact that I'm only worthy of drowning my sorrows in a greasy spoon. If things go the way I want them to, I'll brag about it; but if things go out of control, I'll be humiliated by it. But one loud slap after another in the face made my brain hum, and I seemed to have spied a glimmer of hope for grade-one thinking. Perhaps a disconnected "intellectual"?like me would die of ease or famine if I didn't recognize the true meaning of life—not all things are sweet, not all days are happy, life is not easy, cherish it.

我認為自己就是一個二級思考者，但不限于威廉戈爾丁的那套說辭，更像一個矛盾的、有所思考但仍向成見低頭的、有所堅守但仍被欲望裹挾的、用知識武裝但仍缺乏獨立的個體。

我一直堅信自己的思考與眾不同，我認為我所思考的廣度、深度、精度遠非常人可以理解，我甚至以此來佐證真正的杰作往往都是曲高和寡的。以近二十年爆火的超級英雄片為例，我身邊永遠都有狂熱的漫威影迷，但我一直把DC影片中的黑暗元素與社會元素奉為圭臬。扎克施奈德的《守望者》和克里斯托弗諾蘭的《蝙蝠俠》三部曲是我心中永遠的神作。漫威這種爆米花式的量產(chǎn)院線片在我眼中就是一種不知所云的自我感動，花花綠綠的特效和干癟的劇情讓我實在是難以下咽。我一直以能有這種思想而驕傲，這是我獨立思考、知識水平更高的體現(xiàn)。這種自豪情緒在我看到卡梅隆等一系列國際知名大導(dǎo)演在采訪中批評漫威是垃圾場和電影工業(yè)的破壞者后更是空前高漲——真是英雄所見略同，我想。但很可惜的是，當(dāng)這些漫威迷們邀請我一起去看最新的漫威電影，思想高尚的我選擇了果斷赴約。在真正咀嚼這些“垃圾”時，我還是異常興奮且滿足，電影結(jié)束我還會和朋友們喋喋不休的爭論彩蛋的真正指向和影片中的一些“無效”暗示。我就是那個一邊拒絕著別人的施舍，一邊大口扒拉碗里飯菜的人。

對我來說，生活就是一切矛盾的關(guān)鍵所在。當(dāng)有人走過來把一疊鈔票塞到你手里時，我不會是那個拒絕的人，即使我仍然無法改變我只配在小餐館里澆愁的事實。如果事情發(fā)展的如我所想，我會以此吹噓；一旦事情不受控制，我會因此顏面無存。但生活中一個又一個響亮的耳光使我的大腦嗡鳴作響，我似乎窺到了一級思考的一絲希望，也許像我這種與生活脫節(jié)的“知識分子”，如果不認清生活的真諦，終會死于安樂或饑荒；不是所有的東西都是甜的，也不是所有的日子都是快樂的，生活不易，好好珍惜。