This is another writing that should be protected by English.?I don't want to use the word "desperate" too often, but that's?where?I am.

Stil, it's related to a song, you shall see it in the title.

When motivation is thin,?discipline takes over.

It comes from a bilibili video about cycling.?

Every time I?am about to mentally breakdown, these?words?will always give me a hand. However, recently?I've found?it doesn't work well.

To refresh my mind, I picked up a?new bunch of hobbies, barely had time to go cycling. Cycling is a?practice of talking to myself in the process of exhaustion. The least thing I need now is facing myself.

During my last trip(up to 160km) 3 weeks ago, maybe half the time I was replaying the past in my mind——surprise, joy, guilt, remorse, helplessness,?loss, etc. I was driving myself crazy, the trip has never been so?tormenting.

A week later, I went?on a hike, which is a new hobby. Suddenly when I reached the top of the mountain, I was wandering?how it feel to?fall from a height.

The song Dream on, I used it as the bgm in the clipped video about the hike. The?lyrics? totally took?over my head.

Sing with me,sing for the year.?

Sing for the laugh & sing for the tear.?

Sing with me,if it's just for today.?

Maybe tomorrow the good Lord will take U away.

Dream on, dream on.?

The ironic thing is that now I'm afraid to dream.?

For months, I dreamed?about the same person,?the similar things, the same?emotions as I have been through?a month or two ago. It's usually 6 o'clock, when I got up in the morning. Even cooking the breakfast becomes a new hobby.

I have written a?video script about dreaming, saying how I was?dealing with the greatest and the worst dreams. Now I miss the time when dreaming about death was the worst nightmare. For me, losing my future becoms the new worst one.

Maybe you will argue that life should go on and there are many meaningful things. Let's go back to the top——When motivation is thin,?discipline takes over.

What if?discipline get rusty?

Every day I ask myself what is the meaning of my life. The only thing that floats is?responsibility,?parents, friends and?colleagues. There is?no joy?with this life.

Unfortunately, I feel like some old friends are fading from me.?My connection with the world seems to be weaker. I would be greatly happy if you, my friends, were?reading till here.

When I want to end this?life in grey,?

it's no longer that I haven't achieved the life I want to stop me,?

and it's not that I haven't met the person?I want to see to stop me.

Every single thing goes wrong.

I've also wondered if I need to live for myself. That's partly I am trying new things.?

I went?camping yesterday, which I have always?been "dreaming".?But when I lighted the bonfire, it felt?like nothing.?I started thinking, what's next?

What's next to cheer me up?

What's next to let me feel any better?

Just like people get crazy when phone battery dies, I feel empty and estranged when?reaching a target.?

"She"?used to say——Parents?always assume that things would?be fine after we got admitted, graduated,?employed?or married. But it doesn't make any sense.?Things don't go as in fairy tales and the main characters live?a happy life ever since.

I do understand this opinion contains many points that can be refuted. But now, I stand for it.

I think everyone has the right to give up the struggle.?

I CAN'T beat it.

Suddenly, a line from The Matrix came out——why do you persist？

I don't know.?

Maybe I need to finish or handover my work.

Maybe I just don't want to let my parents down.

Maybe some friends are wishing me good.

Maybe at the last?of Pandora, there is still hope.?

I don't know how long I could?hold on. It shall be so?dramatic if I die?tonight.