Many of us believe we already do. Our actions say otherwise.

許多人覺得我們已經(jīng)學(xué)會愛自己了，而我們的行動卻恰恰相反。

Posted Jan 17, 2014?|??Reviewed by Matt Huston

寫于2014年1月17日?|?由Matt Huston審核

So much popular?self-help?advice suggests that we must "learn to love ourselves." It’s good advice, but how exactly do we do it?

有許多流行的自助建議說我們必須“學(xué)會愛自己”。這當(dāng)然是明智的，但是具體怎樣才能做到呢？

It's not so simple: We often believe that we?do?love ourselves, and yet our actions and reactions suggest otherwise. Loving yourself is essential to your personal growth, to the fulfillment of your?dreams, and to developing healthy, happy relationships with others. Instead of trying to just talk yourself into believing you have self-love, foster compassion for yourself with these three practical steps:

這事沒那么簡單：我們常常相信我們確實(shí)愛自己，但我們的行動和對他人的反應(yīng)卻恰恰相反。愛自己對個人成長、實(shí)現(xiàn)理想以及建立健康快樂的人際關(guān)系而言是必不可少的。與其嘗試讓自己相信是愛自己的，不如用以下三個可行的方法來培養(yǎng)對自己的同情心。

1.??? Care as much about yourself as you do for others.

像關(guān)心別人一樣關(guān)心自己。

It sounds simple, but many of us simply don’t do this because we think we are being selfish or that our own needs are not important.?They are.?It is?not?selfish to care about yourself. Compassion for yourself means showing concern for your own feelings as well as for others. Treat yourself the way you would treat your children or your best friend—with gentleness, concern and caring.

這聽起來簡單，但許多人不這么做，因?yàn)闀X得這樣是自私的，或者覺得自己的需求并不重要，但事實(shí)上它們是重要的，關(guān)心自己也不是自私的。對自己有同情心意味著對你自己的感受乃至他人的感受表現(xiàn)出關(guān)切，并用你會對待自己的孩子或摯友那樣對待自己（帶著親切，關(guān)心與體貼）。

2.??? Maintain your boundaries.

劃清你的底線。

Write a list of the things that you need emotionally, things that are important to you and that upset you or hurt your feelings when they are ignored or violated. They could include being listened to; getting sympathy when you’re hurt; being celebrated when you succeed; receiving love and tenderness without asking for it; being cared for; and knowing you can rely on someone. Whatever is important to?you?is?important. And when someone ignores what’s important to you or crosses your boundary, you’ll know—because it hurts. Don’t ignore that. your feelings are there to tell you what’s right and what’s wrong.

列一張表，把你情感層面的需要列下來，把對你而言重要的東西列下來，也把那些一旦被忽視或者被侵犯將使你煩惱、受傷的事物列下來。這可以包括被傾聽的需要，受傷時被同情的需要，在成功時被慶賀的需要，無需請求便能收獲愛與溫柔的需要，被關(guān)心的需要與知道你能夠依賴某人的需要。無論是什么，只要對你而言是重要的，就都是重要的。并且當(dāng)有人忽視那些重要的事情或者越過了你的底線，你就會意識到——因?yàn)檫@很傷人。不要無視你的感覺，你的感覺會告訴你什么是對的，什么是錯的。

Let people know what your boundaries are and what you will and will not tolerate. If they?apologize, you can forgive them. If they do not, or continue to ignore your boundaries and needs, you need to create consequences. For example, if you tell your partner that you need him to listen to you and to acknowledge your feelings when you talk about something, but he continuously ignores you or tells you to get over it, you should respond with appropriate action, such as finding someone else to confide in. You may also need to reconsider the relationship. Relationships are meant to be a two-way street and you should be getting your needs for love, acceptance and respect met as much as the other person's. Being?assertive?and taking action to get your own needs met will build your?self-esteem?because it will reinforce the belief, in yourself and others, that you deserve to be loved and cherished.

讓人們知道你的底線在哪里，你能容忍什么，哪些又是你不能容忍的。如果他們道歉的話，你可以原諒他們。如果他們不道歉，或者繼續(xù)忽視你的底線，你需要去制造些后果。例如，如果你告訴你的丈夫你需要他去傾聽你，在你談?wù)撌挛锏臅r候去認(rèn)可你的感受，但是他卻一如既往地忽視你，或者讓你別抓著不放了，你應(yīng)該用恰當(dāng)?shù)男袆觼響?yīng)對，比如找其他人傾訴心聲，你也可能需要去重新考慮這段感情。愛情理應(yīng)是相互的，你和對方一樣，都應(yīng)該滿足彼此被愛、被接受和被尊重的需要。保持堅(jiān)定并采取行動捍衛(wèi)你的需求將構(gòu)建你的自尊，因?yàn)檫@將在你自己和他人的心中建立這樣一個信念：你值得被愛，值得被珍視。

3.??? Do what you need to do to be you.

做自己。

First, figure out what makes you feel good. It doesn’t matter what it is, but become aware of how you feel when you do things. Do you feel exhausted at work, but exhilarated when you’re in the garden? Do you feel joyful reading to your children? Fulfilled when you are writing poetry or volunteering? Find out what makes you feel good and do it, as often as you can. Feeling good is all the permission you need to do what you love to do. And the more you do those things, the happier you will be. If it means you have to give up something else, so be it. Perhaps you need to spend more time on your own or schedule an hour every weekend to visit an art gallery to recharge. Maybe you need to save up some money to buy paints and brushes, or ask your family to look after themselves for a few hours while you take a?stress-relieving walk. Perhaps you need to join a club to meet like-minded people who inspire you. Do what you need to do to be you and don’t let anyone blame you, criticize you or talk you out of it because they think you are being selfish, silly, or?delusional. Ignore them. You will feel better, you will be better able to really be there for others—and you will like yourself more. You may even love yourself.

首先，搞清楚什么讓你感覺良好。是什么不重要，但是你要在做事情的時候關(guān)注自己的感受。你是否在工作的時候感到疲憊不堪，但在花園里的時候感到精神抖擻？你是否在給孩子讀書的時候感到快樂，在寫詩或者做志愿的時候感到充實(shí)？找到什么使你感覺良好，然后盡可能多地做這件事。感覺良好是你追尋自己所愛需要的唯一許可，并且做得越多，你就會變得越開心。如果這意味著你要去放棄一些東西，那就隨它去吧?；蛟S你需要花費(fèi)更多的時間獨(dú)處，或者每個周末排出一個小時的時間逛逛藝術(shù)館來充電；或許你需要存點(diǎn)錢給自己買顏料和刷子、請求你的家人照顧自己幾個小時，好讓你散散步放松身心；或許你需要加入一個俱樂部去結(jié)識能欣賞你的人。去做自己，不要讓任何人責(zé)備你，批評你或者勸你別那么做，僅僅因?yàn)樗麄冇X得那是自私的，愚昧的或者妄想的。無視他們，你將感覺更好，你將能更好的為他人著想，并且你能更喜歡自己，你甚至可能愛自己。

All of these things can help you to develop a sense of accomplishment, a sense of pride in what you are doing and who you are, and a realization that you are a worthy, talented, capable, lovable person who deserves to be loved. And the most important person to believe that is you.

所有這些都能幫助你培養(yǎng)一種成就感，一種對自己所作的事情和自己本身的自豪感，并使你意識到自己是一個有價值的、有才華的、有能力的且可愛的人。你值得被愛，而最應(yīng)該相信這點(diǎn)的人正是你。

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原文地址：

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/sense-and-sensitivity/201401/3-ways-learn-love-yourself