“哇！你在干什么??？”我吃驚地問。

“Whoa! What are you doing?” I asked aghast.

剛剛我走進(jìn)女兒的房間，她正在做科學(xué)課的一個(gè)作業(yè)。平時(shí)看到她做這個(gè)，我是很高興的?？蛇@次她的作業(yè)用到了沙子，很多沙子。而且，雖然她在作業(yè)區(qū)域鋪了塑料布，但鋪了跟沒鋪一樣。沙子在我們剛翻新的地板上灑得到處都是。

I had just walked into my daughter’s room as she was working on a science project. Normally, I would have been pleased at such a sight. But this time, her project involved sand. A lot of it. And, while she had put some plastic underneath her work area, it wasn’t nearly enough. The sand was spreading all over our newly renovated floors.

女兒一下子覺察到了我的不快，開始自我防衛(wèi)?！拔忆伭怂芰喜祭?！”她生氣地回答。

My daughter, who immediately felt my displeasure, began to defend herself. “I used plastic!” she responded angrily.

“但還是弄得到處都是沙子！”我火氣比她還大。

I responded more angrily, “But the sand is getting all over!”

“那我還能去哪兒弄??？”她嚷嚷起來(lái)。

“Where else am I supposed to do it?” she yelled.

明明犯了錯(cuò)誤，為什么不承認(rèn)呢？我心里想著，不禁擔(dān)憂起了將來(lái)。女兒不肯承認(rèn)自己犯了錯(cuò)，她的未來(lái)會(huì)怎樣？

Why won’t she admit when she’s done something wrong??I thought to myself. I felt my fear, projecting into the future: What would her life look like if she couldn’t own her mistakes?

這份擔(dān)憂讓我越發(fā)生氣了。承認(rèn)自己的錯(cuò)誤是很重要的。我們就這樣吵起來(lái)。她說(shuō)了些不尊敬我的話，我提高了嗓音。她的聲音帶上了哭腔。

My fear translated into more anger, this time about how important it was for her to admit mistakes, and we spiraled. She said something that felt disrespectful to me and I raised my voice. She devolved into a crying fit.

我真想說(shuō)以前從未發(fā)生過這種事，然而事實(shí)恰恰相反?？上攵@樣的爭(zhēng)吵讓我們兩個(gè)都很難過。

I wish I could say this never happened before. But my daughter and I were in a dance, one we have, unfortunately, danced before. And it’s predictably painful; we both, inevitably, end up feeling terrible.

這種情形不止出現(xiàn)在父母子女間。我常?？吹筋I(lǐng)導(dǎo)者和管理者與員工間發(fā)生可預(yù)見的沖突，開端通常是一方未能達(dá)到另一方的期待（“你在想什么??？”），結(jié)局則是雙方都感到憤怒、沮喪、傷心且失去信心。也許不會(huì)有人大哭起來(lái)，但也是跟哭泣差不多的負(fù)面情緒。

This is not just a parenting dance. I often see leaders and managers fall into predictable spirals with their employees. It usually starts with unfulfilled expectations (“what were you thinking?”) and ends in anger, frustration, sadness, and loss of confidence on both sides. Maybe not crying. But the professional equivalent.

沖突過后我總是捫心自問：我為什么會(huì)這樣？原因有很多，我愛女兒，想教導(dǎo)她，我受不了她弄得亂七八糟的，我有控制欲，我希望她取得成功。我還可以繼續(xù)列舉下去。

I’m always inclined to ask: Why do I react the way I do? The answer is a complicated fusion of reasons including my love for my daughter, my desire to teach her, my low tolerance for messiness, my need to be in control, my longing for her success, and the list goes on.

但這些并不重要。

But it doesn’t really matter.

因?yàn)榕靼鬃约盒袨榈脑虿⒉粫?huì)讓我改變自己的行為。你覺得弄清楚原因就可以改變，理應(yīng)如此，但事實(shí)并非如此。

Because knowing why I act a certain way does not change my behavior. You would think that it would. It should. But it doesn’t.

真正重要的問題是如何改變。這才是真正的難題。

The question that really matters – the hard question – is how do I change?

首先我需要以一種更好的方式向女兒表達(dá)意見。我去問妻子埃莉諾，她十分擅長(zhǎng)跟女兒溝通。我問她，當(dāng)時(shí)恰當(dāng)?shù)膽?yīng)對(duì)方式是怎樣的。

First, I need a better way to respond to my daughter. For this, I went to my wife, Eleanor, who is truly a master. I asked her how I should have handled it.

她假作對(duì)女兒說(shuō)話的樣子，說(shuō)：“寶貝，地上弄了好多沙子，我們得在沙子弄壞地板之前清理一下，我能幫你嗎？”

“Sweetie,” she said, role playing me in the conversation with my daughter, “There’s a lot of sand here and we need to clean it up before it destroys the floors, how can I help?”

簡(jiǎn)單有效

Simple and effective:

1、明確問題 /?dentify the problem

2、提出解決問題的措施 /?State what needs to happen

3、提供幫助 /?Offer to help

這種處理方式棒極了。順著這個(gè)思路想想你跟同事間的齟齬如何解決。我不是讓你叫別人“寶貝”，是說(shuō)其他方面值得借鑒。

That’s a great way to handle it. Think about any problem you face with someone at work. I don’t suggest you start the conversation with “Sweetie,” but the rest is applicable.

我看到過一位管理者沖自己的直接下屬（叫他弗雷德好了）發(fā)火，因?yàn)楦ダ椎伦龅闹v演非常凌亂，重點(diǎn)不清。管理者的意見沒錯(cuò)，弗雷德確實(shí)沒講好，但表達(dá)意見的方式讓弗雷德失去了自信，因此弗雷德下一次講演也沒有多少起色。管理者可以換一種表達(dá)方式：

I watched a manager get angry at a direct report (we’ll call him Fred) for a sloppy, unclear presentation he gave. The manager was right — the presentation was unclear — but the way he responded damaged?the employee’s confidence and Fred’s?next effort?wasn’t much better. Instead, he could have tried this:

“弗雷德，你講的不是一、兩個(gè)重點(diǎn)，而是6個(gè)，我聽得都暈了。應(yīng)該短一點(diǎn)，更專業(yè)，緊扣重點(diǎn)才好。你想講的到底是什么，我們來(lái)討論一下好嗎？”

“Fred, this presentation made six points instead of one or two. I’m left confused. It needs to be shorter, more to the point, and more professional looking. Would it help if we talk about the point you’re trying to make?”

這樣就不會(huì)讓人感到挫敗，甚至不會(huì)讓人失望，只是明確地提供支持。

No frustration. Not even disappointment. Just clarity and support.

還有一次，我看見一位CEO因?yàn)橄聦俚牟邉澃概c已經(jīng)做好的預(yù)算不符而發(fā)脾氣。這位CEO的情緒可以理解，甚至可以說(shuō)是理所當(dāng)然的，但是卻沒有用。他可以這樣表達(dá)：

Another time, I watched as a CEO got annoyed at his direct reports for presenting plans that were not reflective of the budget commitments they had made. His emotion was understandable. Appropriate, even. But not useful. An alternative might have been:

“各位，這組方案不符合預(yù)算。預(yù)算是我們一致通過的，沒得商量。如果你們?cè)敢?，可以跟我說(shuō)說(shuō)有什么難處，我們一起想辦法。”

“Folks, these plans don’t reflect the budget numbers we agreed on. Those numbers are non-negotiable. If you want, you can let me know where you are getting stuck and we can brainstorm solutions.”

明確問題，提出解決問題的措施，提供幫助。簡(jiǎn)單吧？

Identify the problem. State what needs to happen. Offer to help. Simple, right?

可奇怪的是，就我自身的情況而言，我做不到這一點(diǎn)。一番思索之后，我明白了問題所在。

But –?and this is the strange part — in my situation, I couldn’t bring myself to do it. As I thought about it, I realized my impediment.

這樣做讓我覺得有悖本性。

It didn’t feel authentic.

我堅(jiān)信要本色管理，真實(shí)地生活。女兒惹我生氣，我為她的未來(lái)?yè)?dān)憂，所以如果當(dāng)時(shí)冷靜地對(duì)待她，我的所為和所感就脫節(jié)了。這樣不真實(shí)。

I believe strongly in leading and living with authenticity. And I was angry and worried about my daughter’s?future. So responding calmly, in that moment, would represent a disconnect between how I felt and how I acted. That’s inauthentic.

這就是我突然想到的：從定義上講，學(xué)習(xí)就是逆本性而行。

Which is when it hit me: Learning — by definition — will?always?feel inauthentic.

練習(xí)一種新的行為，表達(dá)一種新態(tài)度，或者采取一種不同的行動(dòng)，會(huì)讓人覺得有違本性。已經(jīng)上演過許多次的老局面，絕不會(huì)自然而然地改變。試圖改變的時(shí)候會(huì)覺得別扭、虛偽，好像自己在假裝。前面說(shuō)的那位管理者生氣了，那位CEO生氣了，不把那種情緒表達(dá)出來(lái)，感覺很虛偽。

Practicing a new behavior, showing up in a new way, or acting differently, feels?inauthentic. Changing a dance that’s been danced many times before will never feel natural. It will feel awkward, fake, like pretending. The hedge fund manager was angry, the CEO was annoyed. Not expressing those emotions feels fake.

但這樣更明智，比生氣更有指導(dǎo)作用。這是一種更好的幫助對(duì)方進(jìn)步的方法。

But it’s much smarter, more likely to compassionately teach the people around us, and a better approach to getting them to reverse their ineffective behaviors.

要想學(xué)習(xí)，就要忍耐那種有違本性的感覺，直到自己習(xí)慣新的方式，讓那種新方式融入自己的本性，不必思考便能自然地采用。

If we want to learn, we need to tolerate the feeling of inauthenticity long enough to integrate the new way of being. Long enough for the new way of being to feel natural. Which, if the new way of being works, happens sooner than you would think.

昨天女兒寫作業(yè)直到深夜，我不得不叫她離開臥室，去餐廳寫，因?yàn)樗妹玫蒙洗菜X了。

Yesterday, my daughter was doing homework late at night and I had to ask her to work in the dining room instead of her bedroom because her younger sister needed to go to bed.

但我在開口前想了想，設(shè)身處境地考慮了她會(huì)有多難受：被要求離開自己的房間，讓妹妹睡覺；被要求挪到一個(gè)不如臥室舒服的地方去寫作業(yè)，作業(yè)還很難。

But, before I did, I paused. I empathized with the challenges she would feel, being asked to leave her room for her sister. Being asked to do her difficult homework in a place that wasn’t as comfortable.

“寶貝，”我對(duì)她說(shuō)，“妹妹要睡了，你得去餐廳寫作業(yè)。我?guī)湍愫脝幔俊泵鞔_問題，提出解決問題的措施，提供幫助。

“Sweetie,” I said, “Your sister needs to go to sleep and we need to move you into the dining room. How can I help?” Identify the problem, state what needs to happen, and offer to help.

這樣說(shuō)話感覺很怪異，好像太肉麻了，假惺惺的。

It felt weird. Like I was being overly solicitous. Fake.

但是很有效。

But it worked.

我?guī)退褨|西挪到餐廳，她就接著寫作業(yè)了。

After I helped her move, she quickly got back to her work.

然后我轉(zhuǎn)身要走，聽到她叫我：“爸?！蔽以陂T口停下，扭頭望著她?！爸x謝?！彼裰^說(shuō)。

Then, as I was walking out, I heard her say “Dad?” I paused at the door and looked back at her. “Thanks,” she said, without looking up from her book.

（安健 | 編輯）

彼得·布雷格曼是Bregman Partners公司CEO，著有暢銷書《18分鐘》（18 Minutes），最新著作是2015年2月出版的《4秒鐘》（Four Seconds）。該公司提供領(lǐng)導(dǎo)力培訓(xùn)項(xiàng)目，并為CEO和高管團(tuán)隊(duì)提供咨詢。