失去理智的教訓(xùn)

Lessons from losing my mind

演講者：Andy Dunn

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When I was 20, I was the Messiah.?For about a week.?And for those of you who haven't had the privilege of being the Messiah,?I have to tell you something.?It is awesome.

我20歲的時(shí)候，我就是彌賽亞 （注：彌賽亞是希伯來語，意為救世主）?只做了一周的彌賽亞。?對于你們這些從未有幸做過彌賽亞的人來說?我來告訴你們一些事?非?？?/span>

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Imagine, you are the person that's going to save the world,?bring peace on Earth,?and no one knows it yet but you.

想象一下， 你即將拯救世界?將和平帶到這個(gè)地球?除了你所有人都不知道

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I arrived as the second coming my senior year of college.?New Year's Eve, 1999.?After a night of partying, I came to a stunning conclusion.?I was Jesus 2.0.?For the next 100 hours, I couldn't eat,?I couldn't sleep,?but I did spend a fair amount of time preaching my gospel?at the Burger King in Evanston.

我大四那年的感受 就像耶穌降臨一樣?那是1999年的新年夜?在晚上派對結(jié)束后， 我有了一個(gè)驚人的結(jié)論?我就是耶穌2.0版?在接下來的100個(gè)小時(shí)里，?我不能吃，不能睡?花了大量時(shí)間在埃文斯頓市的漢堡王?去傳播福音

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Turns out, though -- and this may be a disappointment to my supporters --?that I was in fact not the Messiah.?I was just a 20-year-old Midwestern kid?having a manic episode?later diagnosed as a symptom of bipolar disorder type I.?And it was very much not awesome for my family and my friends.

結(jié)果是，這可能讓我的支持者失望-?我事實(shí)上不是彌賽亞?我只是一個(gè)躁狂發(fā)作的?生活在中西部20歲的小孩兒?之后被診斷有雙相障礙Ⅰ型的癥狀?這對我家人和朋友來說并不酷

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And so what exactly is a manic episode??Typical symptoms include a lack of sleep,?grandiosity, relentless optimism,?high-risk behaviors,?racing speech?and ideas that are seen as delusional.?Does that remind you of anyone?

那么，到底什么是躁狂癥呢?典型癥狀包括睡眠需求減少?過度自信或夸大，情緒高漲?有沖動或魯莽行為?言語急迫?有一些狂妄的想法?這讓你想到某些人了嗎？

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Because it sounds to me like an entrepreneur having a good day.

因?yàn)檫@聽起來 就像個(gè)狀態(tài)較好的創(chuàng)業(yè)家

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And in fact, it is estimated?that three percent of all of us have bipolar.?A staggering number in its own right.?For entrepreneurs, that number is 11 percent.?And at the intersection ...?Hi, mom, that’s me.?The best of both worlds.

事實(shí)上，經(jīng)過預(yù)估?我們中大約有3%的人有雙相型障礙?確實(shí)是一個(gè)驚人的數(shù)字?對于創(chuàng)業(yè)者來說，這個(gè)占比是11%?而這兩部分相交中..?Hi 老媽，我就是其中一個(gè)?我兩頭都占了

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And it's not just bipolar.?According to a study from the University of California at San Francisco,?entrepreneurs also over-index in ADHD,?in depression and in substance use.?And maybe this correlation between neurodiversity and innovation?shouldn't surprise us.?After all, to be an entrepreneur is to conjure things that aren't real yet.?That sort of invention, that sort of vision?requires more than a little bit of magical thinking.?A vision that might seem fantastical to others at first?is later deemed to be obvious,?like, say, flying through the air in a huge metallic capsule?at 30,000 feet and 575 miles an hour.?For me, that vision -- get ready for it -- was pants.

而且不僅僅是雙相情感障礙?根據(jù)加州大學(xué)舊金山分校的一個(gè)研究?創(chuàng)業(yè)者中，患注意缺陷與多動障礙 的占比也是破表的?還有抑郁癥和藥物濫用?或許在神經(jīng)多樣性和創(chuàng)新的相關(guān)程度上?我們不該吃驚?畢竟成為一名企業(yè)家 就是變出一些還不是真實(shí)存在的東西?那種發(fā)明，那種遠(yuǎn)見?需要更多一點(diǎn)的神奇思維?一種起初看起來對其他人來說是幻想?后來就被認(rèn)為是顯而易見的遠(yuǎn)見思維?比如，在一個(gè)巨大的金屬膠囊里?以時(shí)速為30000英尺， 每小時(shí)575英里飛行?對于我來說，這個(gè)遠(yuǎn)見—— 準(zhǔn)備好了——就是褲子

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It's always been pants.?OK, well, not exactly.?My vision was one for a world?where brands would be built internet-first.?And so in 2007, I cofounded a menswear e-commerce company called Bonobos.

一直都是褲子?好吧，也不全是?我的遠(yuǎn)見是這個(gè)世界是一個(gè)可以?創(chuàng)立以互聯(lián)網(wǎng)為主的品牌?所以在2007年，我與人共同 創(chuàng)立了叫Bonobos的男裝電子商務(wù)公司

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Now I know what you might be thinking.?Selling pants online is not that remarkable of a vision.?But in 2007, it was improbable.?Think about it.?Amazon was barely focused on fashion,?Apple had only just launched the iPhone.?Mobile commerce and the App Store were just a twinkle in the eye.?Facebook didn't have an ad platform.?That's, by the way, where you acquire customers for a digital brand.?And essential tools for digital storytelling,?like Instagram and TikTok, didn't even exist.?Instagram was three years away from being created,?and TikTok was nine years away.?Maybe that was a good thing at the time.

現(xiàn)在我知道你可能在想什么了?在網(wǎng)上賣褲子不是什么了不起的遠(yuǎn)見。?但是在2007年，那是不可能的事情?想一想?那時(shí)亞馬遜還沒有關(guān)注時(shí)尚?蘋果也才剛剛發(fā)布iPhone手機(jī)?移動商城和APP應(yīng)用 僅僅只是一個(gè)小小閃光?Facebook也沒有廣告平臺?順便說一句，那是一個(gè) 數(shù)字品牌獲客的主要地方?也是用數(shù)字講故事的必要工具?像Instagram和TikTok還不存在呢?那時(shí)離Instagram出現(xiàn)還要三年時(shí)間?離TikTok出現(xiàn)還有九年?或許在那個(gè)時(shí)候，這是一個(gè)好事

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Every venture capitalist we pitched said the same thing:?"You guys are crazy."?Which is an interesting word choice, if you think about it in this context.

我們接觸的每一位風(fēng)險(xiǎn)投資家 都說了同樣的話：?“你們瘋了吧”?如果你在現(xiàn)在的背景下 思考這話是很有趣的

Against these odds, over the next decade?we went on to raise 100 million in venture capital,?to sell over a million pairs of pants,?to invent an inventory-free retail store and open 60 of those,?creating ultimately over 500 jobs.?The company was acquired a decade after founding?by the world's largest retailer by revenues,?itself in its own process of digital transformation,?for over 300 million.?Building any brand now in internet-first is commonplace.?It's table stakes.?It's obvious.?Maybe it wasn't so crazy after all.

在接下來的十年里，克服這些困難?我們從風(fēng)險(xiǎn)投資那里籌集了1億資金?賣出超過一百萬條褲子?創(chuàng)造了一個(gè)零庫存的零售店， 并開了60個(gè)這樣的店，?最終創(chuàng)造了超過500個(gè)崗位?公司在創(chuàng)立十年后?被世界最大的零售商按收益收購?它在它自己的數(shù)字化轉(zhuǎn)型過程中?盈利超過3億?當(dāng)下在互聯(lián)網(wǎng)上創(chuàng)立品牌是一個(gè)常見的事情?是桌上的賭注?是顯而易見的?或許這也沒那么瘋狂

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But there was a dark side to this success.?Friends and mentors and other business leaders warned me?that the entrepreneurial journey was filled with dramatic mood swings,?highs and lows.?They even call startups what??A roller coaster.?And so my bipolar disorder was cloaked,?not as symptoms of an illness or a condition,?but symptoms of a job.

但這一成功也有不為人知的一面?朋友和導(dǎo)師，還有其他商業(yè)領(lǐng)袖也警告過我?創(chuàng)業(yè)之旅是充滿了戲劇性的情緒波動，?有高潮有低谷?他們甚至稱初創(chuàng)公司為什么？?過山車?所以我的雙相情感障礙也被掩蓋了，?不是關(guān)于疾病方面的癥狀?而是指工作的癥狀

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I cycled through a couple of mood states.?Dizzyingly productive periods of hypomania,?a misunderstood [mood] state that is a diluted form of mania?without the telltale psychosis that leads to a diagnosis of bipolar I,?but all of the increased energy and creativity?and ideation and joie de vivre?and burning the candle at both ends.?You can get a lot done when you’re hypomanic.?Alternating with devastating periods of depression.?For me, both mild and severe,?often 50 or 100 days at a time,?catatonic, can't get out of bed, disappearing on the team,?unable to go to work.?Sometimes undesiraous of living.

我經(jīng)歷了幾個(gè)情緒狀態(tài)?在輕狂躁期，效率驚人?這種淡化了狂躁癥是一種被誤解的情緒狀態(tài)?沒有明顯的精神病癥狀 很少導(dǎo)致人們想到是雙相情感障礙癥?但是所有高漲的精力和創(chuàng)造力?還有構(gòu)思能力和享受生活樂趣?像是兩端在燃燒的蠟燭?在輕狂躁期你可以完成很多事情?與之相隨的，就是巨大的抑郁時(shí)期出現(xiàn)?對我來說，無論是輕度還是重度?經(jīng)常每50天或者100天出現(xiàn)一次?患了緊張癥似的，不能起床， 從團(tuán)隊(duì)里消失?完全不能夠工作?有時(shí)候?qū)ι钍チ擞?/span>

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And all of it was amplified by what was happening at work.?A gutting co-founder divorce,?a rotating door of executive turnover,?maddening and expensive flights?into shiny new objects and distracting ideas,?often driven by hypomania,?and a whopping cash flow burn rate that at times reached five million dollars?a month.?It's hard to do, actually, but but we did it.

所有的這些都被工作中發(fā)生的事情放大了?聯(lián)合創(chuàng)始人離婚?高管的交替更換?令人抓狂的昂貴機(jī)票?到一個(gè)嶄新的項(xiàng)目和令人眼花繚亂的想法?都經(jīng)常被輕狂躁癥支配?以及驚人的現(xiàn)金流消耗率， 有時(shí)達(dá)到500萬美元?一個(gè)月?這非常難，實(shí)際上，但我們做到了

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And all of it boiled over in 2016.?I was leading a team of 400 people?when the mania that I hadn't experienced?since I was preaching the gospel at Burger King when I was 20?came raging back.?In a manic episode at my New York apartment,?I rose from my bed, literally howling at the moon,?convinced I was the president?and Batman,?which is actually a high-potential combination, if you think about it.

這一切在2016年開始爆發(fā)?我當(dāng)時(shí)帶領(lǐng)一個(gè)超過400人的團(tuán)隊(duì)?那時(shí)我還沒有經(jīng)歷過狂躁癥?自從我20歲在漢堡王傳福音?這次來勢洶洶?一次狂躁癥發(fā)作在我紐約的公寓里?我從床上爬起來，對著月亮大聲嚎叫?深信我自己是總統(tǒng)?也是蝙蝠俠?如果你仔細(xì)想想 這確實(shí)是一個(gè)有潛力的組合

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And then the darkness really set in.?I smashed my fist into a glass window pane.?And worst of all, I struck my now-wife, Manuela,?and pushed and kicked her mother, Leni,?to the ground as they tried to protect me,?to prevent me from running naked into the streets of Greenwich Village.?When I saw ...?When I saw Leni two weeks later,?I thought it would be for the last time.?And instead, she put her hand on my hand?and she said something I’ll never forget,?and something I hope all of you never forget.?She said, "Andy, this is just like any chronic physical illness.?All you have to do is see your doctor and take your medication.?And if you do,?and if Manuela wants to stay with you, then you have my blessing."

之后黑暗降臨了?我把拳頭砸進(jìn)玻璃窗?最糟糕的是，我還打了我的妻子， 曼努埃拉?還推搡倒地并踢了她的媽媽，倫恩?當(dāng)時(shí)她們是試圖保護(hù)我?阻止我裸體跑到格林威治村的街上?當(dāng)我看到?當(dāng)我兩周后看到倫恩?我以為這將是最后一次?然而，她卻把她的手放到我的手上?她說了一句我永遠(yuǎn)不會忘記的話，?也是我希望你們永遠(yuǎn)不要忘記的話?她說“安迪，這就像任何慢性的身體疾病一樣?你所要做的就是去看醫(yī)生并服用藥物?如果你這么做了?如果曼努埃拉想要和你在一起， 那么你會得到我的祝?！?/span>

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And I started crying, as you might imagine.?And Manuela did stay with me.?But her love and commitment came with conditions.?It was our rabbi who told us on our wedding day?that the only unconditional love on the planet?is that between parent and child,?which was a disappointing thing to hear on my wedding day.

正如你想的，我開始哭起來?曼努埃拉確實(shí)和我在一起了?但是她的愛和承諾是有條件的?那是我們的拉比在結(jié)婚那天告訴我們的?這地球上唯一無條件的愛?是父母和孩子之間的?這在婚禮上聽到確實(shí)讓人挺失望的

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I thought, you know, I was headed for the unconditional love thing.?He said all other forms of love are conditioned.?They are conditioned upon each of us treating each other well,?which requires accountability and boundaries,?conditioned upon an honest and transparent exchange of information and feelings,?which requires disclosure and feedback,?and conditioned upon each of us, individually,?doing all in our power to be well,?which requires initiative and self care.

我認(rèn)為，你知道的，我是向往無條件的愛?他說所有其他形式的愛都是有條件的?這些條件是基于我們每個(gè)人都要善待對方，?這需要我們有責(zé)任心和邊界感?這些條件是基于誠實(shí) 和無所保留的信息和感覺?這需要我們公開和及時(shí)反饋?以及這些條件是基于我們每一個(gè)個(gè)體?盡我們所能做到最好?這需要我們積極主動和自我照顧的能力

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And this is not just in our personal lives.?It's also at work.?Now, Manuela and I are married with a two-year-old.

這不僅僅是在我們個(gè)人生活中?在工作中也是一樣?現(xiàn)在曼努埃拉和我已經(jīng)結(jié)婚 并有一個(gè)兩歲的孩子了

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He's not two in that photo.?That would be a very small two-year-old.

在這個(gè)照片里他沒有兩歲?兩歲的孩子顯然不止這么小

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And look, some days that feels like a miracle.?From where I was to now, it feels like a miracle.?And while Manuela's love is a miracle?and Isaiah’s existence, his very existence, is a miracle,?my getting well was not a miracle.?It was very hard work and it still is.

看，有些日子，感覺像是奇跡?從我那時(shí)到現(xiàn)在，感覺像是奇跡?當(dāng)然曼努埃拉的愛也是奇跡?以及以賽亞的存在， 他的存在本身就是一個(gè)奇跡?我的康復(fù)并非奇跡?這是一個(gè)非常難的事情，現(xiàn)在依然如此

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So I have got, and I'm proud to say,?an Olympic regimen of mental hygiene and mental fitness.?Let me play it to you.?I see a psychiatrist two to three times a week?for a 45-minute therapy session.?Now, you would think therapy once a week is enough.?But for me, I want my doctor to lay eyes on me every 72 hours?so he can assess my mood.?I've got five different medications that I take.?One every day and the other four we titrate up and down?depending on where I am.?And then I've got a relentless focus on sleep,?because sleep is for me, certainly, with bipolar,?a leading or a lagging indicator of mood.?And by the way, that might be all of us.

但我做到了，并且可以驕傲地說?是奧林匹克精神衛(wèi)生和心理健康養(yǎng)生法?讓我展開說說?我每周見兩到三次精神科醫(yī)生?進(jìn)行45分鐘的治療?現(xiàn)在，你可能認(rèn)為一周一次就夠了?但對于我來說，我想讓醫(yī)生 每72小時(shí)就能看到我一次?所以他就可以及時(shí)評估的情緒?我服用了五種不同的藥物?其中一種藥每天服用， 其他四種需要用滴定法測量?取決于我的狀態(tài)?然后我開始堅(jiān)持不懈地專注于睡眠?因?yàn)樗邔τ谖襾碚f，當(dāng)然， 有著雙相情感障礙的人?是一個(gè)情緒高低的指標(biāo)?順便說一下，這對我們所有人來說都是一樣

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And so every morning, the first thing I do?is I send a Fitbit sleep report to a WhatsApp group?that includes my doctor, my wife?and the three people who have endured this with me the longest:?My mom, Usha, my dad, Charlie, and my sister Monica.?Here it is.?Every morning, this is my statement of life.?And what is it??It is a daily reminder to never forget what's possible.?For all of our strengths have shadows, don't they?

所以，每天早上，我做的第一件事是?我發(fā)一個(gè)Fitbit睡眠報(bào)告到WhtasApp小組?小組里有我的醫(yī)生，我的妻子?以及和我一起忍受這一切最久的三個(gè)人：?我的媽媽，烏莎，我的爸爸， 查理和我的姐姐，莫妮卡?就是這個(gè)?每個(gè)早晨，這是我生命的宣言?這是什么呢？?這是每日提醒我絕不要忘記什么是可能的?我們所有的力量都有陰影，不是嗎

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It doesn't take a lot of brainpower to bring to mind other entrepreneurs,?leaders and visionaries?who have caused great harm to themselves and others.?Even society at large.?And so what do we do??We admire their strengths.?We even lionize them as individuals.?But their shadows we ignore.?And we do so at our individual and collective peril.

對于其他創(chuàng)業(yè)者，領(lǐng)導(dǎo)者或者那些有遠(yuǎn)見的人?不需要花費(fèi)過多的腦力去想?到底誰給我們自己和其他人 帶來了巨大的傷害?即使社會也在逃避?所以，我們要做些什么呢？?我們承認(rèn)他們的力量?我們甚至把他們奉為個(gè)體?但是我們忽略了他們的陰影?我們這么做會給我們個(gè)人和集體帶來危險(xiǎn)

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I would know?because for 16 years I ignored mine?at great cost to myself and others.?Why did I do that??Because I didn’t want to “be bipolar.”?That's what we say of people who have bipolar.?We don’t say someone “is cancer.”?We say they have it.?That's a first step to helping our friends?and our loved ones and our colleagues,?not by conflating their illness or condition with their identity,?but by acknowledging it as just a part of their life story?and then helping them confront it.

我知道?因?yàn)檫@16年我忽略了自己?給我自己和其他人帶來了巨大的損失?我為什么這么做呢?因?yàn)槲也幌搿俺蔀橐粋€(gè)雙相情感障礙的人”?這也是我們對那些雙相情感障礙的人說的?我們不會說某人“是癌癥”?我們會說他們有癌癥?這是我們幫助朋友的第一步?或者我們愛的人和我們同事?不把他們的疾病和身份混為一談?而是承認(rèn)它使我們生活的一部分?然后幫助他們面對它

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At work, I think therapy should be more or less mandatory?for people who lead teams.?Second chances for unethical leaders should require great consideration.?Assholes should just straight up no longer be accommodated.

在工作中，我認(rèn)為對領(lǐng)導(dǎo)團(tuán)隊(duì)的人來說，?治療或多或少應(yīng)該是強(qiáng)制性的。?對于不道德領(lǐng)導(dǎo)者，是否給與 二次機(jī)會應(yīng)該得到充分考慮?不再夠再容納那些混蛋

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Boards need to step up.?And all of us,?we need to raise our hands when we're not well?and then seek and secure the help we need.

董事會需要加強(qiáng)?對于我們來說?當(dāng)我們感覺不好的時(shí)候需要舉起手?然后尋求并確保是我們所需要的幫助。

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I have been unbelievably lucky.?My family, old and new, stuck by me.?My board stuck by me,?my executive team stuck by me.?And I have access to wildly good health care.?I love my psychiatrist.?I call him my most expensive friend.

不可置信我是多么的幸運(yùn)?我的家人，新的和舊的，都和我在一起?我的董事會和我在一起?我的高層團(tuán)隊(duì)也和我在一起?我得到了超乎想象的好的健康關(guān)懷?我愛我的治療師?我稱呼他為我最昂貴的朋友

And I have -- and how many people have you heard this from --?I have medication that actually works.?Because of all that,?all that support and all that scaffolding,?I am able to live and love and work with bipolar I.?This shouldn't be a matter of luck.

我有--有多少人聽過這句?我有吃藥并且真的有用?因?yàn)檫@些，?這些所有的支持和所有的幫助?我能夠帶著雙相情感障礙 去生活，去愛，去工作?這不應(yīng)該是運(yùn)氣的問題

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And so I've got one more crazy idea.?Maybe my craziest idea of all.?We need to make mental health care fundamentally acceptable.?Actually --

我現(xiàn)在有了一個(gè)瘋狂的想法?或許是我最瘋狂的想法?我們需要讓心理健康護(hù)理從根本上被接受。?在實(shí)際上--

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Hang on, this whole thing is going to land great.?Actually affordable and universally accessible.

等一下，這整個(gè)事情走向非常好?在實(shí)際上可以負(fù)擔(dān)得起， 而且可以隨時(shí)獲得

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Look, I want us to be delusional sometimes.?I want to be delusional sometimes.?I want people whose brains work differently,?like mine does and like yours might,?to be able to dream crazy dreams,?to share crazy thoughts,?and God willing or universe willing,?bring those dreams to life.?But we have to keep ourselves in check, don't we??After all, only messiahs are all-knowing.?And entrepreneurs are not gods.?Even when we think we are.

看，我希望我們有時(shí)候有妄想癥?我有時(shí)想有妄想癥?我希望那些大腦想法不同的人，?像我的和你的或許就不同?但能夠去想象瘋狂的想法?去分享這些瘋狂的想法?在上帝的意愿或者宇宙的意愿中?把這些瘋狂的想法帶到生活中?但我們必須要保證我們自己在控制中，對吧？?最后，只有彌賽亞是全知的?創(chuàng)業(yè)者不是神?即使我們以為我們是

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We will be better humans,?building a better future together,?when we take stock not just of how we change the world,?but how we treated each other and ourselves along the way.?And the president and Batman both agree.

我們會是最好的人類?去一起建造最完美的未來?我們不僅要盤點(diǎn)我們?nèi)绾问歉淖兪澜绲?也要評估在這一過程中 我們是如何對待彼此和我們自己的?最后，總統(tǒng)和蝙蝠俠都會贊同的

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Thank you.

謝謝。

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