本章概述：

????????????伊莎萊談到死亡和雪花。

????????????In which Isarae discusses death and snowflakes.

?

正文：

我笑了。

我得承認(rèn)，她的緊張和不安令我倍感愉悅，她在我的存在下局促不安也很討喜。她的味道里有種羞恥，如此的羞恥，還有別的……哦對(duì)，還有吸引力。

我放松地躺下來(lái)，倚靠在浴池的邊緣上，與此同時(shí)那雙淺綠色眼睛時(shí)不時(shí)被我吸引過(guò)去。我閉上雙眼以給她一點(diǎn)隱私感，讓她自認(rèn)為可以在我不知道的情況下隨便偷看我。

就好像一個(gè)科摩羅的巫靈沒(méi)法立刻察覺(jué)某人正用渴望的目光看著她似的。

真有意思。

亞歷桑德拉……

她的凝視離開(kāi)了我，我睜開(kāi)眼睛，若有所思地看著她轉(zhuǎn)過(guò)身去背對(duì)著我。亞歷桑德拉被污垢覆蓋著的臉頰羞紅了一片，一個(gè)想法在我腦中浮現(xiàn)，在我臉上留下了淡淡的微笑。

當(dāng)我把手伸向背后撿起被丟在附近的一塊柔軟的洗臉巾時(shí)，我想到自己在過(guò)去幾個(gè)小時(shí)里感受到的恐怕比在科摩羅的那幾年都要多。

我把毛巾浸入水中，在亞歷桑德拉轉(zhuǎn)身時(shí)把它提起來(lái)，她在我坐起來(lái)滑向她時(shí)很可愛(ài)地僵住了。

“不要?jiǎng)樱?strong>Cre’yth，”我指示道，出乎我的意料，她在我舉起濕毛巾，覆到她的臉上并開(kāi)始清潔時(shí)真的照做了。“你的臉可愛(ài)到不該被獸人蒙著?！?/p>

我緩緩地把濕毛巾蓋上她的臉頰，同時(shí)她的喉嚨后面發(fā)出一陣被噎住似的微弱聲響，我淘洗了毛巾，重復(fù)了一遍又一遍，直到她的臉上一點(diǎn)污漬都不剩下。我隨后轉(zhuǎn)到她的頭發(fā)上，她美麗的，目前被臟兮兮的棕黃色和干涸血跡玷污的白發(fā)，我也同樣地開(kāi)始洗凈它。

我發(fā)現(xiàn)這種行為帶有一種滿足感。在回答亞歷桑德拉問(wèn)我為什么在做那些事的問(wèn)題時(shí)我一直坦誠(chéng)相待。我盼著做些新東西，而對(duì)于我這種生物來(lái)講，并沒(méi)有多少事物符合這個(gè)條件。

從她的動(dòng)作來(lái)看這對(duì)我們兩人來(lái)說(shuō)都是全新的體驗(yàn)，在我清洗她的頭發(fā)和臉時(shí)，我研究起她的面部特征。

亞歷桑德拉是人類，而我認(rèn)為她以人類的標(biāo)準(zhǔn)來(lái)看相當(dāng)漂亮。她的臉龐勻稱地令人愉快，不過(guò)在臉頰和鼻子上散落著些雀斑，她的臉頰有一種柔和的圓潤(rùn)感，這從她的臉上帶走了大部分嚴(yán)肅感。

她的嘴唇……對(duì)于一個(gè)戰(zhàn)士來(lái)講這也太軟了，不過(guò)我隨后便想到她還年輕，戰(zhàn)爭(zhēng)還尚未硬化她。

“好多了，”我放下毛巾輕聲說(shuō)道，一邊轉(zhuǎn)過(guò)她的頭以查看是否擦掉了所有污漬，一邊從她臉上拂去幾縷蒼白?！安皇菃幔?strong>Cre’yth？”

“那是什么詞？”亞歷桑德拉發(fā)問(wèn)，倒并不一定是責(zé)難，不過(guò)她的語(yǔ)氣還是有著棱角?！癈raith？那是什么？是種臟話嗎？”

“Cre’yth，”我糾正她，“這并非辱罵，Mon-Keigh才是種辱罵，Cre’yth的意思不過(guò)是……”我皺了皺眉，查找著她的語(yǔ)言里的那個(gè)詞，不過(guò)我還是沒(méi)想起來(lái)。我并不如自己所想的那樣精通他們的語(yǔ)言，時(shí)不時(shí)地會(huì)理解不了一些詞語(yǔ)?！八中∮职?，在寒冷的季節(jié)里落到特定的行星上時(shí)叫Ythala?！?/p>

“雪？”

我打了個(gè)響指，點(diǎn)點(diǎn)頭。

“雪，對(duì)，”我伸手挑起她的幾束白發(fā)。“Ythala是下落著的雪，或者降雪，Cre’yth?是‘小的雪’，就是構(gòu)成降雪的小東西?！?/p>

“你是說(shuō)雪花？”亞歷桑德拉輕笑起來(lái)?！澳阋恢惫芪医醒┗?？”

“如果你喜歡的話我也可以叫你Cresistauead，”我漠然地回應(yīng)，她疑惑地看向我?！八囊馑际恰”亢ⅰ覀兿啾?strong>Mon-Keigh更多用這個(gè)稱呼你們。”

“靈族都這么喜歡貶損別人嗎？”亞歷桑德拉有些尖酸地回道，這又在我臉上勾起一抹微笑。

“對(duì)，大多是的，”我肯定道，她的臉上升起一股怒意，我的回復(fù)則令其被更深的困惑取代。“貶損他人，居高臨下，自私自利，”我笑著蹬離她潛入水中，過(guò)了一會(huì)兒又濕漉漉地浮起來(lái)，頭發(fā)緊貼在身上?！拔覀兎N族是一群享樂(lè)主義的偽君子，永遠(yuǎn)都看不起銀河中因我們徒勞無(wú)益的迂曲而蒙難的受盡踐踏的居民?！?/p>

我冷笑著說(shuō)出最后一個(gè)詞。

亞歷桑德拉震驚地盯著我站起身來(lái)走上浴池的小臺(tái)階，直到我只有腳踝以下沒(méi)在水里，隨后我轉(zhuǎn)向她，浮夸地張開(kāi)雙臂。

“該死又美麗的我們！”我歡呼道，憤恨地笑起來(lái)?！叭缧浅桨悴恍?，又如虛空般空洞?！?/p>

她不加掩飾地直盯著我，她瞪大的眼睛后閃著某種熾熱的東西。亞歷桑德拉被驚到沉默不語(yǔ)，我對(duì)著她微笑，讓雙手劃過(guò)我的曲線，并有些滿意地看著她的眼睛緊跟上去。

“我難道不美嗎，亞歷桑德拉？”我第一次用上她的名字，以輕柔的低語(yǔ)發(fā)問(wèn)，這似乎把她的注意力帶回我的眼睛上?！霸撍烙置利?，一如我所有卑鄙的同類們?！?/p>

“停下，”她的聲音微弱又緊張?！安弧还苣阍趯?duì)我做什么……停下?！?/p>

我抬起眼眸，笑呵呵地?fù)u搖頭坐回水里。

“我沒(méi)對(duì)你做任何事，Cre’yth，”我簡(jiǎn)單地說(shuō)，“我沒(méi)有那種力量，黑暗靈族——我來(lái)自的靈族分支——戒絕了亞空間的鬼魅力量，轉(zhuǎn)而追求肉體的完美……”我再次伸開(kāi)雙臂，讓她欣賞我的柔韌身段，“我能在你的爆彈風(fēng)暴間舞蹈，但我不再能操縱你的心智，就像我無(wú)法從指尖射出閃電一樣。”

“我以為所有靈族都是靈能者，”她看上去無(wú)比迷茫，但令我驚訝的是她似乎在傾聽(tīng)?！暗氵€堅(jiān)稱自己完全不是靈能者？”

“所有的靈族都對(duì)靈能敏感，”我糾正道，慢悠悠地仰躺回水里。“我的同類可以像飲食一樣從情緒和強(qiáng)烈的感受上汲取營(yíng)養(yǎng)，但我們有意地避免使用任何你所畏懼的那種力量?！?/p>

“但你就不能讓我感受到點(diǎn)什么嗎？”亞歷桑德拉發(fā)問(wèn)，我笑的更厲害了。

“我當(dāng)然能！”我轉(zhuǎn)瞬間拉近我和她之間的距離，直到我們的鼻子幾乎碰到一起，在我看向她的眼睛時(shí)她的臉頰通紅?！暗也恍枰仔g(shù)來(lái)做到這點(diǎn)，Cre’yth?！?/p>

一種莫名的沖動(dòng)驅(qū)使我伸出舌頭舔了舔她的鼻尖，使得她猛地后退到貼在浴池邊緣，還發(fā)出一陣令我滿意的尷尬的尖叫聲。我向遠(yuǎn)處漂去，笑得更開(kāi)心了。

“不要那么做！”她厲聲道，我笑得愈發(fā)厲害。

“為什么？”我笑著后仰，浮在浴池中央?！拔宜榔趯⒅痢晕覟槭裁匆Ｏ?？直到死亡找上我前可以隨心所欲，不過(guò)別擔(dān)心，亞歷桑德拉，我想很快就會(huì)了?！?/p>

意料之外的，沒(méi)有反駁，只有緊張的沉默。我微微側(cè)過(guò)頭從我漂浮著的地方看向她，發(fā)現(xiàn)她正盯著我，不帶渴求或是尷尬，而是……擔(dān)心。

盡管水很溫暖，我還是吸入了一絲令我打了個(gè)寒戰(zhàn)的情緒。我這之前從未品嘗過(guò)與之相似的東西，在我漫長(zhǎng)的一生中我從未嘗過(guò)這種味道。

“那是什么？”我向前傾，直至再度站起來(lái)，又一次拉近了我們之間的距離?！澳欠N感受，你現(xiàn)在對(duì)我有什么感受……那是什么？”

“我的感受？”亞歷桑德拉停頓了下來(lái)，神色慌亂了一陣，終于嘆了口氣，搖搖頭?！拔蚁胛抑皇恰幌矚g你那么說(shuō)?！?/p>

“你的帝皇僅憑我的存在就要我死，”我挖苦地說(shuō)?！拔业乃离y道不該讓你滿意么？”

“嚴(yán)格來(lái)說(shuō)神皇的旨意裁定整個(gè)銀河系都應(yīng)該是人類的主權(quán)自留地，”亞歷桑德拉尷尬地澄清道?！斑@包括了所有由異形統(tǒng)治的世界，而拒絕懿旨是針對(duì)神皇的異端行徑?？赡恪阗澩@點(diǎn)，所以也可以說(shuō)你并沒(méi)被裁定去死，在這種情況下?！?/p>

“那你為什么在乎？”我朝她彈了幾滴水，不過(guò)它們?cè)谶€差一指長(zhǎng)的地方就落了下來(lái)?！澳銌?wèn)過(guò)我，那我現(xiàn)在也問(wèn)你同樣的問(wèn)題……你為什么在乎？我選擇去死與你有何關(guān)聯(lián)？你在一小時(shí)前還相當(dāng)贊成這個(gè)看法。”

“你與我預(yù)期的不一樣，”亞歷桑德拉柔和地回應(yīng)，把雙腿收進(jìn)臂彎里，攪動(dòng)著我們之間的水面?！澳闩c在教授靈族種族時(shí)我被告知會(huì)遇見(jiàn)的樣子完全不同，我再也不確定該怎么看待它，或你?！?/p>

“那么等我死了，你內(nèi)心的不和諧就會(huì)被糾正，你就再也不用想起我了?！蔽姨嶙h道。

“不要！”

她的聲音回蕩在盥洗室霧蒙蒙的潮濕墻壁上，一陣痛苦的戰(zhàn)栗如潮水般沖擊著我，如災(zāi)厄的預(yù)告般震撼著我的靈魂。有那么一會(huì)兒，我還無(wú)法確定，但在片刻之后理性重申了自己的權(quán)威，并指向了唯一的答案。

它來(lái)自亞歷桑德拉。

“你不想要我死，是嗎？”我柔聲細(xì)語(yǔ)，而她瑟縮了一下?！澳憧梢赃@么說(shuō)，知道嗎，”我漫不經(jīng)心地指著四周?！俺悄銢](méi)注意到，我倒不認(rèn)為你的神皇此時(shí)正過(guò)度關(guān)注著這個(gè)世界?！?/p>

“你可以獲準(zhǔn)，”亞歷桑德拉小聲回復(fù)道，忽略了我的輕微褻瀆，這又一次讓我感到驚訝?！斑@很罕見(jiàn)，但它的確發(fā)生過(guò)……證明了自己的異形有可能獲得帝國(guó)的批準(zhǔn)，你可以加入我們。”

“這和我的目的幾乎搭不上邊，Cre’yth，”我輕笑著指出，隨即皺起眉頭?！拔乙呀?jīng)厭倦了生存，亞歷桑德拉，而且即便你的帝國(guó)官僚機(jī)構(gòu)會(huì)‘批準(zhǔn)’一個(gè)黑暗靈族的巫靈——我相當(dāng)不確定他們會(huì)這么做——我也不想再活下去了。”

“為什么？”亞歷桑德拉的聲音幾乎染上了哭腔，我面露不悅。

“因?yàn)槲乙呀?jīng)選擇去死，”我強(qiáng)調(diào)著這一點(diǎn)，徑直走向她，直至高高在上地站在她上方?！拔业囊簧蓟ㄔ邗r血和痛苦之海，現(xiàn)在已經(jīng)沒(méi)有什么能打動(dòng)我了，你和你的……不管你要給我的是什么都會(huì)消逝在時(shí)間中，而那種想法只會(huì)刺激我更進(jìn)一步。”

“我什么都不會(huì)給你，”亞歷桑德拉紅著臉回嘴，我嗤笑一聲。

“你同情我，”我跪在水中，伸手覆在她的臉頰上。

“你關(guān)心我，而時(shí)間久了我會(huì)對(duì)此麻木，那甜美的味道，我寧可在那和其他的一切化為烏有前死去?！?/p>

她黝黑的皮膚溫暖地貼在我的掌心上，我縱容自己用拇指輕柔地拂過(guò)她的眼下，停在我在那里發(fā)現(xiàn)的一朵三瓣花的黑色小紋身上。

“能在被那麻木吞噬前死去的你是幸運(yùn)的，”我把我的額頭貼上她的。如果我生而為人的話，我或許能過(guò)上滿足的短暫人生?！拔壹刀誓?，亞歷桑德拉?！?/p>

我抬起頭來(lái)，在她眉間印下一個(gè)吻，隨后站起身來(lái)，從她身邊走出浴池，離開(kāi)盥洗室，只在從架子上拿起毛巾披在頭肩上時(shí)停了下來(lái)。

很快……我很快就會(huì)死，我長(zhǎng)久的存在終于會(huì)迎來(lái)結(jié)束，如果運(yùn)氣好的話，它會(huì)早到我可能在最后時(shí)刻還在想著那雙美麗的綠色眼睛，內(nèi)心感受著一如當(dāng)下的激蕩。

對(duì)，那將是個(gè)好死法，我如此認(rèn)為。

?

原文：

I smiled.

Her tension and discomfort were amusing, I had to admit, and the way she squirmed in my presence was simply delightful. There was shame, such shame, in her flavor, and there was something else too… oh yes, there was attraction.

Those fair green eyes were drawn to me over and over as I laid back and relaxed against the rim of the bath. I closed my eyes to give her a sense of privacy, to let her convince herself she could steal what glances she wished at my body without my knowing.

As if a Wych of Commorragh would not know immediately when someone was looking at her with desire.

How very quaint.

Alessandra…?

Her gaze left me, and I opened one eye to regard her thoughtfully as she was turning away from me. Alessandra’s cheeks, beneath the patina of grime, were reddening, and a thought occurred to me that put another faint smile on my face.

I reflected, as I reached behind me and picked up one of the soft washcloths that were stowed nearby, on how I’d probably?felt?more in the past several hours than I had in the past several years on Commorragh.

Dipping the cloth into the water, I lifted it just as Alessandra turned, and she froze adorably as I sat up and slid closer her.

“Stay still,?Cre’yth,” I commanded and, to my surprise, she actually did as I raised the damp cloth her face and began to clean it. “Your face is far too lovely to be covered in Ork.”

She made a small choking sound in the back of her throat as I went about the slow process of drawing the wet cloth over her cheek, rinsing it, repeating, and again, until her face was free of the filth. I moved to her hair next, the lovely pale hair that was currently stained a dirty brown with dried blood, and began washing that clean as well.

There was, I found, a certain satisfaction in this act. I had not been untruthful when I had answered Alessandra’s question as to why I was doing what I was doing. I wished to do something new, and for a creature like me, there were very few things that fit that particular descriptor.

This was new to us both, from the way she was acting, and as I cleaned her hair and face, I studied her features.

Alessandra was human and I suppose by human standards she was quite beautiful. Her face was pleasantly symmetrical but for a scattering of freckles across her cheeks and nose, and her cheeks had a gentle roundness to them that stole much of the severity from her expressions.

And her lips… they seemed far too soft for a warrior, but then I suppose she was young enough that war had not yet hardened her.

“Much better,” I said quietly as I lowered the cloth, brushing clean strands of pale white from her face as I turned her head this way and that to ensure I’d gotten all of muck. “Isn’t it,?Cre’yth?”

“What is that word?” Alessandra asked, not necessarily accusingly, but there was a hard edge to her tone. “Craith? What is it? An insult?”

“Cre’yth,” I corrected her, “and it is not an insult,?Mon-Keigh?is an insult,?Cre’yth?simply means…” I frowned, searching for the word in her tongue, but my mind failed me. I was not as well-versed in their language as I would have liked, and some terms eluded me at times. “It is small and white, called?Ythala?when it falls in the cold seasons of certain planets.”

“Snow?”

I snapped my fingers and nodded.

“Snow, yes,” I reached out and gathered a few strands of her pale hair, “Ythala is falling snow, or snowfall, and?Cre’yth?is ‘little snow’, the small bits that make up the snowfall.”

“You mean snowflakes?” Alessandra laughed a little weakly. “You’ve been calling me ‘snowflake’?”

“I could call you?Cresistauead, if you would prefer,” I replied flatly, and she gave me a look of confusion. “It means ‘small stupid child’ and it is what most of my kind call yours other than?Mon-Keigh.”

“Are all Eldar so derogatory?” Alessandra’s reply was acidic, and it drew another smile from me.

“Yes, mostly,” I agreed, and the anger fled from her face, replaced with more confusion at my response. “Derogatory, condescending, and self-absorbed,” I laughed as I kicked away from her and ducked beneath the water, then emerged a moment later dripping wet, with my hair plastered across my body. “We are a race of hedonistic hypocrites, forever looking down on the trodden-upon denizens of the galaxy we ruined with our vain, pointless meanderings.”

I said the last words with a sneer.

Alessandra stared at me in shock as I stood to my full height and stepped up onto the small ascending stair of the bath until I was only ankle-deep before turning to her, flourishing myself, and spreading my arms wide.

“Damned and beautiful are we!” I crowed, laughing bitterly. “Immortal as the stars and as vacuous as the spaces between them.”

She was staring unabashedly now, her eyes wide and lit with something fervent behind them. Alessandra was stunned into silence as I smiled down at her, letting my hands slip across my curves, and I watched with some satisfaction as her eyes followed them.

“Am I not beautiful, Alessandra?” I asked in a soft whisper, using her given name for the first time, and it seemed to snap her attention back to my eyes. “Damned and beautiful, like all of my wretched kind.”

“Stop,” her voice came out weak and strained. “W-Whatever it is you’re doing to me… stop.”

I raised an eyebrow, chuckling as I shook my head and sat back down in the water.

“I’m not doing anything to you,?Cre’yth,” I said simply, “I do not possess that power, the Drukharii, the Aeldarii where I am from, eschew the more eldritch powers of the warp in favor of physical perfection…” I held out my arms again, letting her admire my lithe figure, “I can dance between storms of your bolter shells, but I can no more manipulate your mind than I can cast lightning from my fingertips.”

“I thought all Eldar were psykers,” She looked more confused than anything but, to my surprise, she actually seemed to be listening. “Yet you claim you are no psyker at all?”

“All Aeldarii are psychically sensitive,” I corrected, leaning back into the water languidly. “My kind can draw sustenance from emotions and intense sensations as much as food and drink, but we purposefully refrain from using anything like the powers you so fear.”

“But you can’t simply make me feel things?” Alessandra asked, and I laughed more deeply.

“Of course I can!” I closed the distance between us in a flash until our noses were nearly touching, and her cheeks flushed scarlet as I stared into her eyes. “But I don’t need sorcery to do so,?Cre’yth.”

Possessed by a nameless urge, I stuck out my tongue and licked the tip of her nose, causing her to squeak out a most satisfyingly embarrassed noise as she recoiled and plastered herself to the edge of the bath, and I laughed even harder as I floated away.

“Stop that!” She snapped, and I laughed all the harder.

“Why?” I chuckled as I leaned back to float in the center of the bath. “I will die soon… so why should I stop? I shall do as I please until death claims me, but do not worry, Alessandra, for it shall be soon, I think.”

To my surprise, no retort followed, just a strained silence. I turned my head slightly to regard her from where I floated and found her staring at me not with lust or embarrassment but with… concern.

I breathed in the bouquet of emotions and shivered despite the warmth of the water. I had never tasted anything like this before, not in my abominably long life have I once tasted whatever this flavor is.

“What is that?” I tipped forward until I was on my feet again and closed the distance between us once more. “That feeling… what you’re feeling towards me now… what is that?”

“What I’m feeling?” Alessandra stalled out, looking flustered for a moment, then finally sighed and shook her head. “I suppose I just… didn’t like it when you said that is all.”

“Your Emperor mandates my death by dint of my existence,” I pointed out wryly. “Should my death not satisfy you?”

“Technically the God-Emperor’s Mandate decrees all the galaxy be the sovereign demesne of mankind,” Alessandra clarified awkwardly. “Which includes all worlds under xenos rule, and refusal of the Mandate is heresy against the God-Emperor but you… you agree, so one could argue that death is not mandated, in this case.”

“And why do you care?” I flicked a few droplets of water her way, though they fell short by a finger’s length. “You asked me, now I pose you the same query… why do you care? What matter is it to you that I choose to die? You were agreeable enough to the notion an hour ago.”

“You are not what I expected,” Alessandra replied softly, tucking her legs in under her arms as the water swirled between us. “You are nothing like what I was told I would meet when I was lectured on the Eldar race, and I’m not certain anymore what to make of it, or of you.”

“Then your dissonance shall be rectified when I die, and you need never think of me again,” I offered.

“NO!”

Her voice echoed around the mist-damp walls of the washroom, and a tremor of a pained ache struck me like a surge tide and rocked me across my soul like the herald of a calamity. For a moment, I could not place it, but reason asserted itself a moment later and pointed towards the only possible answer.

It had come from Alessandra.

“You don’t want me to die, do you?” I said softly, and she flinched. “You’re permitted to say it, you know,” I gestured around us blithely. “Unless it has escaped your notice, I do not think your God-Emperor is watching this particular world too closely for the time being.”

“You could be sanctioned,” Alessandra replied quietly, ignoring my small blasphemy, which surprised me yet again. “It’s rare, but it has happened… xenos who prove themselves may receive sanction by the Imperium, you could join us.”

“That hardly aligns with my intentions,?Cre’yth,” I noted with a small laugh, then frowned. “I am weary of this existence, Alessandra, and even if your Imperial bureaucracy would ‘sanction’ a Druchi Wych, and I highly doubt they would, I do not want to persist any longer.”

“Why?” Alessandra’s voice was almost wet, and I scowled.

“Because I have chosen to pass,” I pressed the point as I advanced on her until I was standing over her, towering over her. “My lifespan has been purchased in oceans of blood and seas of pain and there is nothing now that moves me, you and your… whatever it is you are giving me, is fleeting and will fade in time as well, and that thought only spurs me onward.”

“I’m not giving you anything,” she bit out through her flush, and I chuckled.

“You feel for me,” I knelt in the water, reached out, and pressed my palm to her cheek. “You?care?for me, and in time I will grow numb to it, and the taste is sweet, and I would prefer to die before I felt that fall to nothingness with everything else.”

Her dark skin was warm against my pale flesh, and I indulged myself as I ran my thumb softly just beneath her eye, resting it on the small black tattoo of a three-pointed flower I found there.

“Blessed are you who will die before that numbness swallows you,” I pressed my forehead to hers. Had I been born human perhaps I might have lived a satisfying, if short, life. “I envy you, Alessandra.”

I raised my head and pressed a kiss to her brow, then stood, stepped out of the bath past her to leave the washroom, pausing only to pull a towel from one of the racks and drape it over my head and shoulders.

Soon… I would die soon and my long persistence would finally be at an end, and if I were fortunate it would happen soon enough that I might think of those lovely green eyes in my final moments and feel the same stirring then that I do now.

Yes, that would be a good death, I think.