How Your Leadership Style Can Inform Your Parenting
埃米·耶恩·蘇（Amy Jen Su）|文 ?

Todd seemed especially distracted during our coaching meeting. I paused to ask him what was on his mind. He apologized and said that he couldn’t stop thinking about an exchange he had with his teenage son the previous evening where they both ended up frustrated at each other. Todd shared that as a working parent, he cherished the moments he and his son were free at the same time given both of their busy schedules. He couldn’t understand why when they were finally together, their interactions ended up tense or not going as he had hoped.

在我的輔導課上，客戶托德似乎心煩意亂，我問他在想什么。他向我道歉，說是忍不住回想昨晚跟青春期兒子那場不愉快的交流。托德說自己上班很忙，兒子也忙，所以他很珍視自己和兒子都能休息的時候。他不明白，難得聚在一起，為什么總是不歡而散。

As a working parent of a teen myself, I could relate to Todd’s situation. The parenting needs of teenagers and the need to balance career and family don’t go away just because our kids become more independent —?they just change.

我自己也是有青春期孩子的職場家長，能理解托德的感受。孩子變得更獨立之后，照顧孩子的需求和平衡事業(yè)與家庭的需求并不會消失，只是改變了。

Todd and I discussed how raising teens is like leading other leaders in some ways — working with people who developmentally crave more autonomy and are seeking more empowerment and freedom. His son shared that sometimes it felt like his dad wasn’t listening but rather was still directing, telling, and teaching him like when he was a younger boy. Since Todd’s colleagues had made similar observations in his 360, he wondered what leadership and communications tools he was developing as a leader of leaders that he could draw on and apply at home as well. Here are some of the tactics that worked for Todd that may help you apply strengths from work to interact with your teen in a more positive way.

我與托德討論應對青少年和做企業(yè)領導者的相似之處：對象都是渴望獲得更多自主性、想要更多權力和自由的人。托德的兒子說，有時感到父親沒在聽自己說話，仍然像對待小男孩一樣指導、告訴和教育他該做什么。托德的同事在360度反饋里也給出了相似的意見，因此托德覺得可以將職場的領導和溝通工具用在家里。以下幾個策略對他很有用，或許也能幫助你更好地與自己正值青春期的孩子溝通。

Reset your role

重新設置自己的角色

Recognize that your teen now has more life experience. Like a leader grooming a successor or protégé, think of yourself as a guide or coach who is setting up another person to spread their wings and be fully independent in your absence.?Bring a development focus?and meet your teen where they are now. This includes assessing their current life skills and acknowledging that they are growing up. Name the change or transition you are in as parent and child and determine together where they could take on more responsibilities with regard to chores or what set of decisions they can start to make more on their own.

要意識到青春期的孩子已經有了更多的人生經驗。你要像企業(yè)領導者培養(yǎng)繼承人或提攜人才一樣，把自己當作指導者，指導另一個人展開翅膀、能在你不在場的時候獨當一面。關注孩子的發(fā)展，了解他們目前所處的階段，包括評估他們目前具備的技能并確認他們正在成長。認可當下你們作為家長和孩子所處的轉型階段，一起確定孩子可以在哪些方面承擔更多責任或更自主地做出決定。

Actively work to build their self-efficacy by offering more opportunities to engage in experiences that will help them develop their skills, judgment, and resilience. This could include things like independently navigating public transportation to get to school or taking on a part-time job.

主動為孩子建立自我效能感，提供更多機會讓他們在實踐中發(fā)展技能、判斷力和韌性。例如讓他們獨自乘坐公共交通去學校，或者從事兼職工作。

Redefine?boundaries

調整邊界

In order to safely encourage and offer a greater range of decision-making and growth experiences, one of the most important tools for a leader of leaders is reexamining?boundaries?and assessing risk. Sometimes when leaders receive feedback to “empower more,” they swing the pendulum too far by being too hands off. Loosening the reins without some level of intentionality can result in inadvertently putting someone in a situation they are not yet equipped to handle or where the risks are too high. Your goal is to safely widen the guardrails while empowering and offering autonomy within new limits.

要不失穩(wěn)妥地鼓勵和提供更大范圍的決策和成長經驗，領導者最重要的一大工具是重新審視邊界、評估風險。有時當領導者收到反饋要“增加授權”，就會矯枉過正，放手不管。隨便放松控制，可能會不慎讓一些人陷入自己尚無力應對或風險過高的局面。你的目標是在保證安全的前提下拓寬邊界，在新的限度內賦權和提供自主性。

With our teens, resetting boundaries allows us to more safely offer rope while still providing clarity on curfews, home chores, and family values. Consider activities where you can allow your teen to take more initiative, such as searching for summer internships or engaging in trial and error (even if you don’t like the new haircut that results). The key is to allow more room for your teen to discover their own authentic way of getting something done effectively.

與青少年交流時，重設邊界可以更安全地給出自主權，同時依然明確最晚幾點回家、家務分配和家庭價值觀等等。想一想能讓這個年紀的孩子去參加哪些活動，比如尋找暑期實習，或者積極試錯（哪怕你不喜歡他們搞出的新發(fā)型）。關鍵在于給孩子更多空間，讓他們去探索自己的處事方式。

As you see your teen making more decisions for themselves, ask open-ended questions to better understand what is on their mind, uncover their assumptions, and learn how your kid reasons through things. Help your teen discover some of their own answers by asking great questions and engaging their own developing reflective capacity and introspection. By really understanding and hearing where they are, you can help them to brainstorm ideas and solutions or offer additional perspectives on their thinking.

讓孩子為自己做更多的決定，問他們一些開放性的問題，更好地了解他們在想什么，找出他們的預設，了解他們如何推理歸因。用問題調動孩子正在發(fā)展的思考和內省能力，幫助他們自行尋找答案。真正了解和傾聽他們，就能幫助他們集思廣益，考慮各種想法和解決方案，為他們的思考增加新的視角。

When Todd’s son received his learner’s permit to drive, Todd noticed his own desire to micromanage what roads they took to get to a certain destination. He paused and remembered to serve as a guide and coach, and instead asked his son how he was deciding what route to take. This led to a great discussion. Todd’s son shared that he was a really visual person, so he used Google Maps in advance of a practice run to see what route he wanted to try. Todd shared that he considered factors like weather, time of day, and areas prone to traffic jams or visibility challenges when he set out somewhere. While Todd upheld all the rules and standards that the learning permit period required, he was mindful to give his son space to try out different routes and practice different forms of car maintenance, such as filling up the gas tank and checking the air pressure in the tires.

托德的兒子拿到學習駕駛許可證后，托德發(fā)現(xiàn)自己對路線選擇有微觀管理的傾向。他停下來，謹記自己應當發(fā)揮指導作用，不能越俎代庖，問兒子想選哪條路。于是兩人討論得很和諧。托德的兒子說自己是視覺型學習者，會提前用谷歌地圖看看想嘗試哪條路。托德則說會考慮天氣、時間段、容易堵車的路段和能見度等要素。托德贊同學習駕駛許可證的所有規(guī)定和限制，但他很注意給兒子留出空間，嘗試不同的路線、練習各種維護汽車的方式，比如加油和檢查輪胎。

Todd started to see that his role as a leader at work and a father at home meant being clear about responsibilities, desired outcomes, and accountabilities; it was not about enforcing others to puppet him and do things in his exact own way.

托德漸漸明白，工作上的領導者和家中的父親，都意味著要明確責任、預期成果和義務，并不是強迫別人執(zhí)行自己的指示、完全按照自己規(guī)定的方法做事。

Observe, listen, and seek to understand

觀察、傾聽、尋求理解

As Todd began using more of a coaching style with his teen and focused on becoming a more active listener, he slowed down to observe his son’s day, listen, and ask more questions. In doing so, he came to appreciate more fully the daily challenges and stresses of being a teen. Todd could better see just how much his son was juggling — from being in class with a mask on all day to participating in various activities and sports (which consumed much of his time after school) to then having to complete hours of homework after dinner.

托德以指導的態(tài)度與孩子溝通，努力成為積極的聆聽者，慢下來觀察兒子的日常生活，傾聽并提問。如此一來，他得以更加全面地了解了青少年日常的挑戰(zhàn)和壓力。托德看到兒子同時承擔著許多任務——戴著口罩上課，參加各種體育運動（占去了他放學后的大部分時間），晚飯后還要做幾小時的家庭作業(yè)。

By acknowledging and sharing what he observed, Todd’s son increasingly?felt more seen?and understood by his dad. It helped them to see why sometimes they both ended up with short fuses during late-evening conversations. Rather than fixing or solving, Todd realized that sometimes, his son just needed to vent about his stressful day and wanted an empathetic ear.

托德跟兒子分享了自己的觀察，兒子越來越感到能被父親看見和了解。這幫助他們明白了有時深夜交流不歡而散的原因。托德明白，有時兒子需要的只是宣泄白天的壓力，需要傾聽和共情，而非糾正或解決問題。

We can proactively demonstrate curiosity in everyday life to better understand what excites or motivates our teens. Even small things such as asking them to cue up their latest playlist in the car to hear what music moves them or to ask more about why history is currently their favorite class can provide a window into their world.

我們可以在日常生活中主動表示好奇，更好地了解能讓孩子激動和受鼓舞的是什么。在車里播放他們最近聽的音樂、了解怎樣的音樂能打動他們，或者多問幾句他們現(xiàn)在最喜歡的科目為什么是歷史課，這種小事都能夠打開通往孩子世界的一扇窗。

Schedule time versus “swooping in” on your teen

是預約時間還是“突襲”？

As Todd listened more actively and showed more empathy and openness, his son was able to more courageously share with Todd that the thing that caused him the most frustration was when he felt Todd “swooped in.” Every time they were finally together, Todd would think of something he wanted to check in on — “What’s going on with college and SAT preparation?,” “Have you turned in that check the sports team needs?” and so on. Each time, his son felt “invaded,” which led to frustrating interactions.

托德更加積極傾聽、表現(xiàn)出更為同情和開放的態(tài)度之后，兒子有了勇氣，告訴托德，最讓他泄氣的是感覺托德常?！巴灰u”。每次父子二人好不容易見面，托德總會想起幾件要確認的事——“升學考試準備得怎么樣？”“運動隊要做的檢查做了嗎？”之類的。兒子每次都有被侵犯感，最終交流令兩人都沮喪。

Like leaders who “swoop in” on their teams and create disarray and fire drills, Todd was doing the same at home. Todd and his son agreed to grab some scheduled quality one-on-one time together each week so that they could consolidate the many questions or thoughts on important topics like summer internships, college preparation, and family logistics. They even created a shared Google doc where either could log a question or thought to avoid interrupting homework flow or precious downtime when his son was finally catching a break from the stress of the day.

“突襲”團隊的領導者會造成混亂，讓團隊成員進入防火演習狀態(tài)。托德在家里的情況也是一樣。托德和兒子達成協(xié)議，每周一起預先安排高質量的一對一交流時間，綜合討論各種問題，一起考慮夏季實習、大學預科課程和家務等重要事項。他們還建立了一個共用的谷歌文檔，記錄問題或想法，免得打擾兒子寫作業(yè)或疲憊一天后來之不易的休息。

Never would Todd have imagined at the start of our coaching work together that expanding his leader of leaders toolkit and building new coaching muscles would allow him to derive benefits well beyond work. He started to look for learnings from one part of his life to actively apply in another. For a?busy working parent, that kind of reciprocal benefit brings increases in energy and momentum and creates a virtuous cycle in a holistic life. Todd’s program also sharpened his own sense of purpose as a leader and father — investing in the success of others’ growth, helping people gain skills and judgment they can carry with them, and feeling more assured that they’ll be able to move forward with confidence when it’s time for them to leave the nest.

我們的輔導課程開始時，托德從未想過這些領導技能可以應用到其他領域，還能運用新的能力在工作以外獲益。他開始主動尋找還有沒有哪個領域的經驗能用在其他地方。對于忙碌的上班族家長，這樣的互利可以增加精力和動力，在生活中建立良性循環(huán)。托德的項目還增強了他作為領導者和父親的使命感——投入資源協(xié)助他人成長、幫助人們獲得可傍身的技能和判斷力，確定將來他們離巢時可以充滿信心地前進。

關鍵詞：領導力

埃米·耶恩·蘇（Amy Jen Su）|文

埃米·耶恩·蘇是高管培訓及領導力發(fā)展公司Paravis Partners聯(lián)合創(chuàng)始人兼管理合伙人。過去二十年里，她為企業(yè)CEO、高管和明星員工提供指導，著有《理想領導者：每天拿出最佳狀態(tài)的五項基本原則》（The Leader You Want to Be: Five Essential Principles for Bringing Out Your Best Self—Every Day，哈佛商業(yè)評論出版社出版）。

朔間|譯? 周強|編校