中英文稿

當你想到一個小孩子、 一位密友或者伴侶時，?腦海中很可能會跳出“愛”這個詞，?然后其它的情緒也會立馬出現(xiàn)：?比如歡樂和希望，?興奮、信任以及安全感，?并且有時還會有悲傷和失望。?字典里可能沒有一個詞?比愛更能說明 人與人之間的緊密聯(lián)系了。

考慮到它在我們生活中的核心地位，?有意思的是，我們竟然 從來沒有被明確地教過如何去愛。?我們從交朋友開始，?然后確定戀愛關系，?最后結婚生子， 將小孩從醫(yī)院帶回家。?對這一切都是懷著能順利搞定的期望。?但事實卻是， 我們經(jīng)常傷害或不尊重所愛之人。?可能是一些很小的事情，?比如說讓朋友感到內(nèi)疚 然后花時間陪你，?或者偷看伴侶的短信，?以及因為孩子在學校 不夠努力而羞辱他。?我們百分之百會接收到?不健康關系的行為，?并且我們也百分之百會 做一些不健康的事。?這是人性的一部分。

最糟糕的情況是，我們跟 所愛之人的沖突所導致的傷害?會演變成辱罵和暴力，?而家暴，?是三分之一的女性 和四分之一的男性?一生中都會經(jīng)歷的。?如果你跟大多數(shù)人一樣， 聽到上述情況時，

你會說“哦，不不不，這永遠 不會發(fā)生在我身上?！?我們會出于本能地逃避 “虐待”和“暴力”這些字眼，?覺得它們只會發(fā)生在 其他地方的其它人身上。?但事實是，不健康的關系 以及虐待就在我們身邊。?我們只是將它們換了個說法 并忽略了它們之間的聯(lián)系。?虐待偽裝成了不健康的愛 偷偷地發(fā)生在我們身上。

我在一個叫做“唯愛"的組織工作，?它由一個家庭成立，這個家庭 的女兒亞德利被前男友殺害。?這是一個沒有人可以預見到的悲劇，?但是回過頭來看，他們意識到 之前就存在蛛絲馬跡，?只是當時沒人看出來。?這些被稱為瘋狂或者 戲劇或酗酒的行為，?他行為的真正含義 并沒有真的被理解，?而這些都是非常清晰的危險信號。

她的家人意識到， 如果之前有人被教育過

如何識別這些信號， 她的死亡是可以避免的。?所以今天我們的任務是確保?其他人都能獲得亞德利和她朋友 之前不了解的信息。?我們有三個主要的目標：?給予我們一種語言去談論?一個非常尷尬并且 會引起不適的話題；?給朋友權力去幫助你；?并在這個過程中，提高我們愛的能力。

為了做到這些， 很重要的一點是從闡明?那些我們經(jīng)常會錯過的 不健康信號開始，?而我們的工作就是 專注于創(chuàng)造內(nèi)容，?來和年輕人對話。?正如你所料，這個主題的 大多數(shù)談話內(nèi)容都非常嚴肅，?鑒于目前的主題，?但今天我打算用一種輕松愉快，?同時也是發(fā)人深思的方式，?即“對偶”，?來闡明不健康的愛的五種標志。?第一個是緊張。?（視頻）藍：幾天不見，非常想你。?橘：我也想你。（#這是愛）?藍：五分鐘不見， 感覺像一生那么漫長。?我不在的這五分鐘里你做了什么呢？?橘：才三分鐘好吧。 （#這不是愛）

?凱蒂·胡德：有人意識到了嗎？?虐待關系并不是從虐待開始的。?它們是從激動和興奮開始的。?這是一種強烈的 情感和情緒，一種沖動。?感覺非常美好。?你覺得自己如此的幸運， 像中了大獎。?但在不健康的愛中，這些感覺 會隨著時間的推移而改變，?從興奮到壓仰， 甚至可能還有點窒息。?你的直覺能感受到。?這可能是你新交的 男朋友或女朋友，?在你沒準備好時就說“我愛你”，?或開始無處不在， 不停發(fā)信息、打電話給你時。?也可能是他們對你的 不及時回復感到不耐煩，?盡管他們也知道 你還有其它的事情要做時。?重點是記住： 一段感情如何開始不重要，?重要的是如何發(fā)展。?重要的是， 在一段新關系的早期，?我們應該關注自己的情緒。?你對這種親近的速度感到舒適嗎？?你覺得自己還有喘息的空間嗎？?同樣重要的是，?學會表達自己的需求。?你的請求被尊重了嗎？

?第二個標志是孤立。?（視頻）橘2：一起出去玩吧？?橘1：星期一是我和 男朋友約會的日子。?橘2：一起出去玩吧？?橘1：星期一是我和 男朋友約會的日子。?橘2：那明天呢？ 橘1：星期二是我們的打盹日。?橘2：那星期三？ 橘1：那是我們的獨處日。?凱蒂：如果你問我，我會說孤立是?最常被忽視和誤解的 不健康愛的信號之一。?為什么這么說呢？?因為每一段新感情總是從強烈想要?花時間待在一起開始的，?我們很容易忽視事物的變化。?孤立就悄然發(fā)生在 當你的新男朋友或女朋友?開始拉著你脫離你的家人和朋友，?你的支撐體系，?并將你牢牢地拴在身邊時。?他們可能會這樣說，?“為什么要跟他們出去玩？ 他們只是一群失敗者。”?他指的是你最好的朋友。?或者“他們想拆散我們， 他們完全反對我們?！?他指的是你的家人。?孤立就是在你的前感情生活中?對每個人播下懷疑的種子。?健康的愛也包括獨立，?兩個人喜歡花時間在一起，?但也會繼續(xù)跟之前關心 的人和活動保持聯(lián)系。?剛開始的時候你們可能 每分每秒都在一起，?但隨著時間的推移， 保持獨立成了關鍵。?你可以和朋友們 一起規(guī)劃并堅持執(zhí)行，?并且鼓勵你的伴侶也這樣做。?

不健康的愛的第三個標志是極度嫉妒。?（視頻）藍2:你為什么這么高興？?藍1：她在Instagram上關注了我！?藍2：你為什么這么緊張？?藍1:她，她開始關注我了， 像是，無處不在。?（#這不是愛）?凱蒂：隨著蜜月期的消退，?極度的嫉妒悄悄的滋生。?你的伴侶的要求可能會越來越多，?隨時想要知道 你在哪以及和誰在一起，?或他們可能到處跟蹤你， 線上以及線下。?極度的嫉妒還會導致 占有欲和不信任，?頻繁指責對方跟他人調(diào)情或不忠，?并且會拒絕聽你跟他們說，?沒有什么好擔心的， 你只愛他們這些話。?嫉妒是人類感情中的一部分，?但是極度嫉妒就不同了。?它處于威脅、絕望和憤怒的邊緣。?愛不應當如此。?第四個標志是輕視。?（視頻）藍：想出去玩嗎？ 橘：我要學習。?藍：你肯定能得優(yōu)， 優(yōu)秀的優(yōu)。（這是愛）?藍：想出去玩嗎？ 橘：我要學習。?藍：你肯定不及格，?你就是個傻子。 （#這不是愛）

凱蒂：是的，嗯。?在不健康的愛中， 語言被當作武器。?本來應該是輕松愉快的談話?會變得尖酸刻薄和尷尬。?也許你的伴侶是用一種 傷人的方式開玩笑，?或者通過講故事 和取笑你，拿你開涮，?當你告訴他們你感覺到受傷時，?他們會讓你閉嘴 并指責你反應過度。?“你怎么這么敏感？ 有毛病吧，別逗了！”?這些話使你啞口無言。?事情很明顯， 你的伴侶應該支持你。?他們的話語應該增強你的信心， 而不是打壓你。?他們應該保守你的秘密并且忠于你。?他們應該讓你感覺到更多的信心，?而不是自卑。?最后，第五個標志：易變。?（視頻）橘1：如果分手我會很難過。?橘2：我也會很難過。（#這是愛）?橘1：如果我們分手了我會很郁悶。?我會從這個臺階上跳下去。?我會的！不要試著去阻止我！?（#這不是愛）?凱蒂：經(jīng)常性的分分合合， 情感大起大落：?隨著緊張程度的上升， 易變性也增加。?淚流滿面，沮喪的爭吵， 隨之而來的是情感上的偽裝，?充滿仇恨和傷害的評論，比如，?“你一文不值，我都不知道 為什么跟你在一起！”?然后很快是道歉 并保證不再發(fā)生這樣的事。?到此為止，你已經(jīng)習慣了 這種過山車似的關系，?你可能都沒有意識到?你的這段感情已經(jīng)開始朝 不健康和危險的趨勢發(fā)展。?我們可能很難識別?不健康的愛和虐待之間的界限，?但是公平地說， 當越來越多的跡象?開始出現(xiàn)在你的這段關系中時，?你的這段關系不健康 或者危險的概率就會越大。?如果你的直覺告訴你該分手離開，?這也是當我們的朋友 陷入到不健康的關系時，?我們經(jīng)常給他們的建議，?但這并不總是最好的選擇。?分手也有可能會引起暴力。?如果你感到可能 被虐待或已經(jīng)被虐待，?你就需要就如何安全地離開 這段感情咨詢專家的建議。

這些不僅僅跟浪漫的戀情有關，?也不僅僅關于暴力。?理解了不健康愛的信號?能幫助你審視和理解 生活中幾乎所有的關系。?你可能第一次明白 為什么會對一段友誼失望，?或者為什么每次跟某個家庭成員互動，?都讓你感到氣餒和焦慮。?你甚至可能開始注意到 你的緊張和嫉妒?是如何使你在工作中 與同事發(fā)生矛盾的。?理解是提升的第一步，?你不可能使每一段不健康 的關系變得健康——?有些是你不得不放下的——?但你可以每天做好自己 的部分從而讓關系變好。?令人振奮的消息是：?它并不是件多復雜的事。?坦誠溝通、相互尊重，?友善、耐心——?這些東西我們每天都可以練習。?練習一定會讓你變得更好，?但我不得不承認， 它不會讓你變得完美。?我以此為生，?每天都在思考和談論健康的感情，?但我還是會做不健康的事情。?就在幾天前我還想把 我四個孩子趕出門，?他們爭吵、哭鬧， 并抱怨早餐不好吃，?我完全崩潰了。?下意識地帶著憤怒的鋒芒，?我大喊道，?“都給我閉嘴，照我說的做！?你們糟糕透了！?我要剝奪你們使用 電子產(chǎn)品的時間和甜點?以及其它任何能讓 你們享受生活的東西！”?（笑聲）?有人那樣做過嗎？?（掌聲）?易變、輕視。?我的大兒子轉(zhuǎn)過身看著我，說道，?“老媽，這不是愛。”?（笑聲）?有那么一分鐘， 因為他的叫板我真想宰了他。?真的，相信我。?但是之后我冷靜下來?開始思考，你知道嗎， 我其實覺得很驕傲。?我驕傲于他有一種 使我暫停憤怒的語言。

我想要我所有的小孩都明白

別人對待他們的邊界在哪，?并且當別人越過這個邊界時， 他們應該提出來?而不是默默的接受。?長久以來，我們都將感情當作 一個溫柔的話題來對待，?但人際關系技巧 又是生活中最重要?和最難去建立的事情之一。?理解不健康的信號，?能防止你掉進導致 不健康的愛的兔子洞，?但是理解和練習 維護健康關系的藝術，?能全方位地提升你生活的質(zhì)量。?我完全深信?愛是直覺和情緒，

而更好去愛的能力，

是一種我們都能隨時間推移 而學會和提高的技能。?謝謝。?（掌聲）

So when you think about a child, a close friend, or a romantic partner,?the word "love" probably comes to mind,?and instantly other emotions rush in:?joy and hope,?excitement, trust and security,?and yes, sometimes sadness and disappointment.?There might not be a word in the dictionary?that more of us are connected to than love.

Yet, given its central importance in our lives,?isn't it interesting that we're never explicitly taught how to love??We build friendships,?navigate early romantic relationships,?get married and bring babies home from the hospital?with the expectation that we'll figure it out.?But the truth is, we often harm and disrespect the ones we love.?It can be subtle things?like guilting a friend into spending time with you?or sneaking a peak at your partner's texts?or shaming a child for their lack of effort at school.?100 percent of us will be on the receiving end?of unhealthy relationship behaviors?and 100 percent of us will do unhealthy things.?It's part of being human.?In its worst form, the harm we inflict on loved ones?shows up as abuse and violence,?and relationship abuse?is something that one in three women and one in four men?will experience in their lifetime.?Now, if you're like most people, when you hear those stats,?you'll go, "Oh, no, no, no, that would never happen to me."?It's instinctual to move away from the words "abuse" and "violence,"?to think that they happen to someone else somewhere else.?But the truth is, unhealthy relationships and abuse are all around us.?We just call them different things and ignore the connection.?Abuse sneaks up on us disguised in unhealthy love.

I work for an organization called One Love?started by a family whose daughter Yeardley was killed by her ex-boyfriend.?This was a tragedy no one saw coming,?but when they looked back, they realized the warning signs were there?just no one understood what they were seeing.?Called crazy or drama or too much drinking,?his actions weren't understood to be what they really were,?which was clear signs of danger.?Her family realized that if anyone had been educated about these signs,?her death could have been prevented.?So today we're on a mission to make sure?that others have the information that Yeardley and her friends didn't.?We have three main goals:?give all of us a language for talking about a subject?that's quite awkward and uncomfortable to discuss;?empower a whole front line, namely friends, to help;?and, in the process, improve all of our ability to love better.

To do this, it's always important to start by illuminating?the unhealthy signs that we frequently miss,?and our work really focuses on creating content?to start conversations with young people.?As you'd expect, most of our content is pretty serious,?given the subject at hand,?but today I'm going to use one of our more light-hearted?yet still thought-provoking pieces,?"The Couplets,"?to illuminate five markers of unhealthy love.

The first is intensity.

(Video) Blue: I haven't seen you in a couple days. I've missed you.

Orange: I've missed you too. (#thatslove)

Blue: I haven't seen you in five minutes. It feels like a lifetime.?What have you been doing without me for five whole minutes?

Orange: It's been three minutes. (#thatsnotlove)

Katie Hood: Anybody recognize that? I don't know. I do.?Abusive relationships don't start out abusive.?They start out exciting and exhilarating.?There's an intensity of affection and emotion, a rush.?It feels really good.?You feel so lucky, like you've hit the jackpot.?But in unhealthy love, these feelings shift over time?from exciting to overwhelming and maybe a little bit suffocating.?You feel it in your gut.?Maybe it's when your new boyfriend or girlfriend?says "I love you" faster than you were ready for?or starts showing up everywhere, texting and calling a lot.?Maybe they're impatient when you're slow to respond,?even though they know you had other things going on that day.?It's important to remember that it's not how a relationship starts that matters,?it's how it evolves.?It's important in the early days of a new relationship?to pay attention to how you're feeling.?Are you comfortable with the pace of intimacy??Do you feel like you have space and room to breathe??It's also really important to start practicing using your voice?to talk about your own needs.?Are your requests respected?

A second marker is isolation.

(Video) Orange 2: Want to hang out?

Orange 1: Me and my boyfriend always have Monday Funday.

Orange 2: Want to hang out?

Orange 1: Me and my boyfriend always have Monday Funday.

Orange 2: Tomorrow? Orange 1: It's our Tuesday Snooze Day.

Orange 2: Wednesday? Orange 1: No Friends Day.

KH: If you ask me, isolation is one of the most frequently missed?and misunderstood signs of unhealthy love.?Why??Because every new relationship starts out with this intense desire?to spend time together,?it's easy to miss when something shifts.?Isolation creeps in when your new boyfriend or girlfriend?starts pulling you away from your friends and family,?your support system,?and tethering you more tightly to them.?They might say things like,?"Why do you hang out with them? They're such losers"?about your best friends,?or, "They want us to break up. They're totally against us"?about your family.?Isolation is about sowing seeds of doubt?about everyone from your prerelationship life.?Healthy love includes independence,?two people who love spending time together?but who stay connected to the people and activities they cared about before.?While at first you might spend every waking minute together,?over time maintaining independence is key.?You do this by making plans with friends and sticking to them?and encouraging your partner to do the same.

A third marker of unhealthy love is extreme jealousy.

(Video) Blue 2: What are you so happy about?

Blue 1: She just started following me on Instagram!

Blue 2: What are you so nervous about?

Blue 1: She, she just started following me, like, everywhere.

(#thatsnotlove)

KH: As the honeymoon period begins to fade,?extreme jealousy can creep in.?Your partner might become more demanding,?needing to know where you are and who you're with all the time,?or they might start following you everywhere, online and off.?Extreme jealousy also brings with it possessiveness and mistrust,?frequent accusations of flirting with other people or cheating,?and refusal to listen to you when you tell them?they have nothing to worry about and that you only love them.?Jealousy is a part of any human relationship,?but extreme jealousy is different.?There's a threatening, desperate and angry edge to it.?Love shouldn't feel like this.

A fourth marker is belittling.

(Video) Blue: Wanna hang out? Orange: I gotta study.

Blue: You'll get an A anyway, A for amazing. (#thatslove)

Blue: Wanna hang out? Orange: I gotta study.

Blue: You'll get an F anyway,?F for, F for... stupid. (#thatsnotlove)

KH: Yeah, hmm.?In unhealthy love, words are used as weapons.?Conversations that used to be fun and lighthearted?turn mean and embarrassing.?Maybe your partner makes fun of you in a way that hurts,?or maybe they tell stories and jokes for laughs at your expense.?When you try to explain that your feelings have been hurt,?they shut you down and accuse you of overreacting.?"Why are you so sensitive? What's your problem. Give me a break."?You are silenced by these words.?It seems pretty obvious, but your partner should have your back.?Their words should build you up, not break you down.?They should keep your secrets and be loyal.?They should make you feel more confident,?not less.

Finally, a fifth marker: volatility.

(Video) Orange 1: I'd be sad if we broke up.

Orange 2: I'd be sad too. (#thatslove)

Orange 1: I'd so depressed if we ever broke up.?I'd throw myself off this step.?I would! Don't try to stop me!

(#thatsnotlove)

KH: Frequent breakups and makeups, high highs and low lows:?as tension rises, so does volatility.?Tearful, frustrated fights followed by emotional makeups,?hateful and hurtful comments like,?"You're worthless, I'm not even sure why I'm with you!"?followed quickly by apologies and promises it will never happen again.?By this point, you've been so conditioned to this relationship roller coaster?that you may not realize how unhealthy and maybe even dangerous?your relationship has become.

It can be really hard to see?when unhealthy love turns towards abuse,?but it's fair to say that the more of these markers?your relationship might have,?the more unhealthy and maybe dangerous your relationship could be.?And if your instinct is to break up and leave,?which is advice so many of us give our friends?when they're in unhealthy relationships,?that's not always the best advice.?Time of breakup can be a real trigger for violence.?If you fear you might be headed towards abuse or in abuse,?you need to consult with experts to get the advice on how to leave safely.

But it's not just about romantic relationships?and it's not just about violence.?Understanding the signs of unhealthy love?can help you audit and understand nearly every relationship in your life.?For the first time, you might understand why you're disappointed in a friendship?or why every interaction with a certain family member?leaves you discouraged and anxious.?You might even begin to see how your own intensity and jealousy?is causing problems with colleagues at work.?Understanding is the first step to improving,?and while you can't make every unhealthy relationship healthy --?some you're going to have to leave behind --?you can do your part every day to do relationships better.?And here's the exciting news:?it's actually not rocket science.?Open communication, mutual respect,?kindness, patience --?we can practice these things every day.

And while practice will definitely make you better,?I have to promise you it's also not going to make you perfect.?I do this for a living?and every day I think and talk about healthy relationships,?and still I do unhealthy things.?Just the other day as I was trying to shuttle my four kids out the door?amidst quarreling, squabbling and complaints about breakfast,?I completely lost it.?With an intentionally angry edge,?I screamed,?"Everybody just shut up and do what I say!?You are the worst!?I am going to take away screen time and dessert?and anything else you could possibly ever enjoy in life!"

(Laughter)

Anybody been there?

(Applause)

Volatility, belittling.?My oldest son turned around and looked at me, and said,?"Mom, that's not love."

(Laughter)

For a minute, I really wanted to kill him for calling me out.?Trust me.?But then I gathered myself?and I thought, you know what, I'm actually proud.?I'm proud that he has a language to make me pause.?I want all of my kids to understand what the bar should be?for how they're treated?and to have a language and a voice to use when that bar is not met?versus just accepting it.?For too long, we've treated relationships as a soft topic,?when relationship skills are one of the most important?and hard to build things in life.?Not only can understanding unhealthy signs?help you avoid the rabbit hole that leads to unhealthy love,?but understanding and practicing the art of being healthy?can improve nearly every aspect of your life.?I'm completely convinced?that while love is an instinct and an emotion,?the ability to love better is a skill we can all build?and improve on over time.

Thank you.

(Applause)

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