The Exact Science of Matrimony 奉金成婚

'AS I HAVE TOLD YOU BEFORE,' said Jeff Peters, 'I never had much confidence in the perfidiousness of woman. As partners or coeducators in the most innocent line of graft they are not trustworthy.'

“女人哪，變臉比翻書還快，”熊濟富感慨道，“信誰也別信她們。再好的女人也別指望能把工作放心交給她?！?/p>

'They deserve the compliment,' said I. 'I think they are entitled to be called the honest sex.'

“這話對?！蔽医拥?，“不都說女人善變嘛。”

'Why shouldn't they be?' said Jeff. 'They've got the other sex either grafting or working overtime for 'em. They're all right in business until they get their emotions or their hair touched up too much. Then you want to have a flat-footed, heavy-breathing man with sandy whiskers, five kids and a building and loan mortgage ready as an understudy to take her desk. Now there was that widow lady that me and Andy Tucker engaged to help us in a little matrimonial agency scheme we floated out in Cairo.

“那可不！”老熊回道，“跟女的干活永遠是男的出力氣。她們非得趕著心情美了，頭發(fā)倒騰夠了才好干活。等熬到那時候，我寧可從大街上抓個男要飯的也不用她了。我跟胡守實有次開婚介所斂財，現(xiàn)找了個寡婦搭伙，這事我可得跟你說說。”

'When you've got enough advertising capital - say a roll as big as the little end of a wagon tongue - there's money in matrimonial agencies. We had about $6,000 and we expected to double it in two months, which is about as long as a scheme like ours can be carried on without taking out a New Jersey charter.

你手頭要有宣傳的錢——少了不行，得多預(yù)備點——趁早開個婚介所撈撈油水。我倆當時有個六千來塊，打算用兩個月把它翻一番，那套熊人的把戲也就能玩這么長時間，再長就等著進局子吧。

'We fixed up an advertisement that read about like this:

我倆寫了篇廣告：

'Charming widow, beautiful, home loving, 32 years, possessing $3,000 cash and owning valuable country property, would remarry. Would prefer a poor man with affectionate disposition to one with means, as she realizes that the solid virtues are oftenest to be found in the humble walks of life. No objection to elderly man or one of homely appearance if faithful and true and competent to manage property and invest money with judgment. Address, with particulars,?

LONELY,?

Care of Peters & Tucker, agents, Cairo, Ill.

現(xiàn)有寡婦一名，三十二歲，顧家貌美，持有三千塊現(xiàn)款及鄉(xiāng)下房產(chǎn)，愿求配偶一人，不限年齡，不論相貌，要求男方處境窮苦，只要忠實、會管錢、疼人護人既可。

好寂寞。

詳情請聯(lián)系牽緣婚介所，某街某號。

' "So far, so pernicious," says I, when we had finished the literary concoction. "And now," says I, "where is the lady?"

“行，套子下好了?！睂懲晡艺f道，“咱上哪兒找寡婦去？”

'Andy gives me one of his looks of calm irritation.

守實臉上掛了三分怒。

' "Jeff," says he, "I thought you had lost them ideas of realism in your art. Why should there be a lady? When they sell a lot of watered stock on Wall Street would you expect to find a mermaid in it? What has a matrimonial ad got to do with a lady?"

“我說濟富啊，”他說道，“你能不能轉(zhuǎn)轉(zhuǎn)腦子。要什么寡婦？老婆餅里有老婆嗎？一個征婚廣告，找寡婦有什么用？”

' "Now listen," says I. "You know my rule, Andy, that in all my illegitimate inroads against the legal letter of the law the article sold must be existent, visible, producible. In that way and by a careful study of city ordinances and train schedules I have kept out of all trouble with the police that a five-dollar bill and a cigar could not square. Now, to work this scheme we've got to be able to produce bodily a charming widow or its equivalent with or without the beauty, hereditaments and appurtenances set forth in the catalogue and writ of errors, or hereafter be held by a justice of the peace."

“你等等吧，守實?！蔽艺f道，“我做了那么些違法生意，哪次不是找個實實在在、看得見摸得著的東西糊弄人。要不是靠著這招，再加上把列車表背得滾瓜爛熟，跟警察打交道就不是幾根煙的事了。咱要是打算玩這個把戲，那必須得找個真寡婦，漂亮不漂亮、有沒有錢倒無所謂，不然就等著進去喝茶吧?！?/p>

' "Well," says Andy, reconstructing his mind, "maybe it would be safer in case the post office or the peace commission should try to investigate our agency. But where," he says, "could you hope to find a widow who would waste time on a matrimonial scheme that had no matrimony in it?"

“有道理，”守實重新想了想說道，“這樣保險點，省得郵局跟警局派人來查?？稍蹅儽緛砭褪羌僬骰?，哪兒有寡婦肯跟咱們搭伙？”

'I told Andy that I thought I knew of the exact party. An old friend of mine, Zeke Trotter, who used to draw soda-water and teeth in a tent show, had made his wife a widow a year before by drinking some dyspepsia cure of the old doctor's instead of the liniment that he always got boozed up on. I used to stop at their house often, and I thought we could get her to work with us.

我告訴守實還真有個人。我有個鐵哥們叫老蔣，一年前喝酒喝死了，留下他媳婦一人守寡。我以前常去他家，沒準他媳婦能跟我們干。

' 'Twas only sixty miles to the little town where she lived, so I jumped out on the I. C. and finds her in the same cottage with the same sunflowers and roosters standing on the wash-tub. Mrs. Trotter fitted our ad first-rate except, maybe, for beauty and age and property valuation. But she looked feasible and praiseworthy to the eye, and it was a kindness to Zeke's memory to give her the Job.

蔣太太離我們不過六十里地，我開車去了她家，瞧見她還住著那棟房、還澆著一樣的向日葵，家養(yǎng)的公雞也還站在洗衣盆上。蔣太太是我們最理想的人選，不論長相、年齡還是財產(chǎn)都沒得挑。她看著還挺靠譜，我也是念在跟老蔣的交情才給她這個活的。

' "Is this an honest deal you are putting on, Mr. Peters?" she asks me when I tell her what we want.

“你們干的是正經(jīng)生意嗎，熊先生？”聽罷我的請求她問道。

' "Mrs. Trotter," says I, "Andy Tucker and me have computed the calculation that 3,000 men in this broad and unfair country will endeavour to secure your fair hand and ostensible money and property through our advertisement. Out of that number something like thirty hundred will expect to give you in exchange, if they should win you, the carcass of a lazy and mercenary loafer, a failure in life, a swindler and contemptible fortune-seeker.

“蔣太太，”我說道，“我和胡守實算過，一見著我倆的廣告，全國上下起碼得有三千個男的想把你連人帶錢娶回家。這三千個里頭，有一個算一個，不是二流子就是吃白食的，一點力不肯出，光想著天上掉餡餅?！?/p>

' "Me and Andy," says I, "propose to teach these preyers upon society a lesson. It was with difficulty," says I, "that me and Andy could refrain from forming a corporation under the title of the Great Moral and Millennial Malevolent Matrimonial Agency. Does that satisfy you?"

“我和守實呢，也沒別的意思，”我繼續(xù)道，“就是想教訓教訓這幫人。我倆差點沒把婚介所開成改造所呢。這下您放心了嗎？”

' "It does, Mr. Peters," says she. "I might have known you wouldn't have gone into anything that wasn't opprobrious. But what will my duties be? Do I have to reject personally these 3,000 ramscallions you speak of, or can I throw them out in bunches?"

“我放心，熊先生。”她說道，“我知道您最喜歡教訓人。那我都干點什么？是挨個推掉這幫家伙，還是一批一批地打發(fā)？”

' "Your job, Mrs. Trotter," says I, "will be practically a cynosure. You will live at a quiet hotel and will have no work to do. Andy and I will attend to all the correspondence and business end of it.

“蔣太太，”我說道，“您安安穩(wěn)穩(wěn)待著就行了。我們到時給您安排家清靜旅館，您好好住著就得，啥也不用管。別的全交給我跟守實?！?/p>

' "Of course," says I, "some of the more ardent and impetuous suitors who can raise the railroad fare may come to Cairo to personally press their suit or whatever fraction of a suit they may be wearing. In that case you will be probably put to the inconvenience of kicking them out face to face. We will pay you $25 per week and hotel expenses."

“當然了，”我接道，“難免有性急的人走遠路過來找您，充其量就算是求婚吧。要是碰上這種情況，就得麻煩您親自把他們轟走了。每禮拜給您二十五塊，房錢我們出?！?/p>

' "Give me five minutes," says Mrs. Trotter, "to get my powder rag and leave the front-door key with a neighbour and you can let my salary begin."

“那行，”蔣太太回道，“等我把粉餅?zāi)蒙希侔亚伴T鑰匙托付個鄰居就開工?！?/p>

'So I conveys Mrs. Trotter to Cairo and establishes her in a family hotel far enough away from mine and Andy's quarters to be unsuspicious and available, and I tell Andy.

就這樣，我把蔣太太接了過來，給她安排了一家旅館住下，她那兒離我和守實不遠不近，既不會讓人起疑，又方便來往，辦妥后我告訴了守實。

' "Great," says Andy. "And now that your conscience is appeased as to the tangibility and proximity of the bait, and leaving mutton aside, suppose we revenoo a noo fish."

“漂亮?！笔貙嵳f道，“真寡婦找著了，這下你安心了吧。咱們馬上要釣大魚嘍?！?/p>

'So, we began to insert our advertisement in newspapers covering the country far and wide. One ad was all we used. We couldn't have used more without hiring so many clerks and marcelled paraphernalia that the sound of the gum-chewing would have disturbed the Postmaster-General.

我們往大大小小的報紙上登了廣告，不過只用了那一篇，因為沒有招工的閑錢。

'We placed $2,000 in a bank to Mrs. Trotter's credit and gave her the book to show in case anybody might question the honesty and good faith of the agency. I knew Mrs. Trotter was square and reliable and it was safe to leave it in her name.

我們往蔣太太戶頭上打了兩千塊，還給了她存折，以免有人查問。蔣太太是個老實人，把錢存她那兒不會有事的。

'With that one ad Andy and me put in twelve hours a day answering letters.

廣告發(fā)出去后，我和守實一天有十二個鐘頭花在回信上。

'About one hundred a day was what came in. I never knew there was so many large-hearted but indigent men in the country who were willing to acquire a charming widow and assume the burden of investing her money.

我們每天能收到一百封信。真新鮮，天下竟然有這么多想娶個漂亮寡婦，再幫她管管錢的好心人。

'Most of them admitted that they ran principally to whiskers and lost jobs and were misunderstood by the world, but all of 'em were sure that they were so chock-full of affection and manly qualities that the widow would be making the bargain of her life to get em.

他們中的大多數(shù)都說自己雖然胡子拉碴的、又沒工作、又沒人緣，但其實人特別好，特體貼，特爺們兒，寡婦嫁給他準沒錯的。

'Every applicant got a reply from Peters & Tucker informing them that the widow had been deeply impressed by his straightforward and interesting letter and requesting them to write again; stating more particulars; and enclosing photograph if convenient. Peters & Tucker also informed the applicant that their fee for handing over the second letter to their fair client would be $2, enclosed therewith.

他們每位都收到了牽緣婚介所的答復(fù)，說寡婦被他的直率和魅力打動了，請他再寫一封信，詳細地談一談自己，最好附上張照片。另外，婚介所下次送信要收兩塊錢，請把錢隨信寄過來。

'There you see the simple beauty of the scheme. About 90 per cent, of them domestic foreign noblemen raised the price somehow and sent it in. That was all there was to it. Except that me and Andy complained an amount about being put to the trouble of slicing open them envelopes, and taking the money out.

錢來的就是這么容易。九成人湊夠款子送給了我們。就這么簡單。美中不足的是我和守實得拆信封拿錢，這活可真夠麻煩的。

'Some few clients called in person. We sent 'em to Mrs. Trotter and she did the rest; except for three or four who came back to strike us for car-fare. After the letters began to get in from the r.f.d. districts Andy and me were taking in about $200 a day.

有幾個人親自找了過來。我倆把他們送到蔣太太那兒，剩下的全交給她。除了三四個又回來找我們報車錢的，別的都順風順水。后來連鄉(xiāng)下都有來信的了，我跟守實一天能賺兩百塊。

'One afternoon when we were busiest and I was stuffing the two and ones into cigar boxes and Andy was whistling "No Wedding Bells for Her," a small, slick man drops in and runs his eye over the walls like he was on the trail of a lost Gainsborough painting or two. As soon as I saw him I felt a glow of pride, because we were running our business on the level.

一天下午，正是最忙的時候，我正往鐵皮盒里塞零錢，守實在那兒哼歌，就在這時，一個人模狗樣的小矮個闖了進來，朝墻上瞅來瞅去，好像我們這兒藏了什么名畫似的。一瞧見他我可樂壞了，看來我們干出大名堂了。

' "I see you have quite a large mail to-day," says the man.

“今兒的信不少啊?！蹦腥苏f道。

'I reached and got my hat.

我取來了帽子。

' "Come on," says I. "We've been expecting you. I'll show you the goods. How was Teddy when you left Washington?"

“請吧?！蔽艺f道，“早等著您呢。我領(lǐng)您去看看征婚人。您那兒都好吧？”

'I took him down to the Riverview Hotel and had him shake hands with Mrs. Trotter. Then I showed him her bank book with the $2,000 to her credit.

我把他帶去旅館，讓他和蔣太太握了手，又把兩千塊的銀行存折拿給他看。

' "It seems to be all right," says the Secret Service.

“像是真的。”探子說道。

' "It is," says I. "And if you're not a married man I'll leave you to talk a while with the lady. We won't mention the two dollars."

“就是真的。”我說道，“您要是還單著的話，不如和蔣太太聊一會兒吧。我就不收那兩塊錢了?！?/p>

' "Thanks," says he. "If I wasn't, I might. Good day, Mr. Peters."

“不了，”他說道，“我成家了。再見，熊先生。”

'Toward the end of three months we had taken in something over $5,000, and we saw it was time to quit. We had a good many complaints made to us; and Mrs. Trotter seemed to be tired of the job. A good many suitors had been calling to see her, and she didn't seem to like that.

三個月過去，我們賺了五千塊，是時候收手了。我們已經(jīng)接到了不少投訴，蔣太太好像也不大想干了。有一大堆光棍來找過她，她都煩了。

'So we decides to pull out, and I goes down to Mrs. Trotter's hotel to pay her last week's salary and say farewell and get her cheque for the $2,000.

我們決定見好就收，我去了旅館，準備把蔣太太最后一禮拜的工錢結(jié)了，順便再道個別，把給她的兩千塊錢收回來。

'When I got there I found her crying like a kid that don't want to go to school.

一到旅館，她哭得正兇，哭得像個不想上學的小孩。

' "Now, now," says I, "what's it all about? Somebody sassed you or you getting home-sick?"

“別哭，別哭，”我說道，“怎么了？是誰和您吵架了還是您想家了？”

' "No, Mr. Peters," says she. "I'll tell you. You was always a friend of Zeke's, and I don't mind. Mr. Peters, I'm in love. I just love a man so hard I can't bear not to get him. He's just the ideal I've always had in mind."

“都不是。”她說道，“熊先生，我戀愛了，我看上了一位先生，他就是我夢寐以求的那個人，我一定要嫁給他?！?/p>

"Then take him," says I. "That is, if it's a mutual case. Does he return the sentiment according to the specifications and painfulness you have described?

“那好啊?！蔽艺f道，“只要你倆都有意思就行。他對你也愛的這么深嗎？”

' "He does," says she. "But he's one of the gentlemen that's been coming to see me about the advertisement and he won't marry me unless I give him the $2,000. His name is William Wilkinson." And then she goes off again in the agitations and hysterics of romance.

“是的?！彼氐溃八袇倾懯?，也是看見廣告來找我的，可他說除非我把兩千塊交給他才娶我?！闭f罷她又是一陣椎心泣血、梨花帶雨。

"Mrs. Trotter," says I, "there's no man more sympathizing with a woman's affections than I am. Besides, you was once the life partner of one of my best friends. If it was left to me I'd say take this $2,000 and the man of your choice and be happy.

' "We could afford to do that, because we have cleaned up over $5,000 from these suckers that wanted to marry you. But," says I, "Andy Tucker is to be consulted.

' "He is a good man, but keen in business. He is my equal partner financially. I will talk to Andy," says I, "and see what can be done."

“蔣太太，”我說道，“我太明白您的心思了。您可是我鐵哥們的媳婦，要是我一個人做得了主，這兩千塊我一定給您，讓您快快樂樂地過日子。我們從那幫吃軟飯的身上撈了五千多塊，為您花兩千也不算什么。只是，我得和胡守實商量商量。他人是好人，就是太愛財。我倆合伙也是他管賬的。我回去跟他聊聊，看能不能說動他?！?/p>

'I goes back to our hotel and lays the case before Andy.

我回到住處，把事情告訴了守實。

' "I was expecting something like this all the time," says Andy. "You can't trust a woman to stick by you in any scheme that involves her emotions and preferences."

“我就知道早晚有這么檔子事?！笔貙嵳f道，“女人這心里邊除了愛啊情啊就沒別的了，哪有個靠得住的時候。”

' "It's a sad thing, Andy," says I, "to think that we've been the cause of the breaking of a woman's heart."

“不能那么說，守實，是咱們不好，”我說道，“是咱們害人家這么難過的?！?/p>

' "It is," says Andy, "and I tell you what I'm willing to do, Jeff. You've always been a man of a soft and generous heart and disposition. Perhaps I've been too hard and worldly and suspicious, for once I'll meet you half-way. Go to Mrs. Trotter and tell her to draw the $2,000 from the bank and give it to this man she's infatuated with and be happy."

“也是?！笔貙嵳f道，“我看這樣吧，濟富，你是個好心人，跟你一比，我可能是有點斤斤計較了。這次我聽你的，去告訴蔣太太，叫她把兩千塊取出來給那個男的吧，祝她幸福美滿。”

'I jumps up and shakes Andy's hand for five minutes, and then I goes back to Mrs. Trotter and tells her, and she cries as hard for joy as she did for sorrow.

我一躍而起，瘋了似的跟守實握手，隨后我回到蔣太太那兒，把好消息告訴了她，她轉(zhuǎn)悲為喜，激動得尖叫起來。

'Two days afterward me and Andy packed up to go.

兩天后，我和守實準備跑路了。

' "Wouldn't you like to go down and meet Mrs. Trotter once before we leave?" I asks him. "She'd like mightily to know you and express her encomiums and gratitude."

“你不去見見蔣太太嗎？”我問他，“她一直想見見你，好和你道個謝呢?！?/p>

' "Why, I guess not," says Andy. "I guess we'd better hurry and catch that train."

“見什么見，”守實說道，“咱還是抓緊趕火車吧?！?/p>

'I was strapping our capital around me in a memory belt like we always carried it, when Andy pulls a roll of large bills out of his pocket and asks me to put 'em with the rest.

我一如既往地把錢用帶子捆在身上，只見守實忽然從兜里掏出來一卷大票，叫我跟剩下的錢放在一塊。

' "What's this?" says I.

“這什么？”我說道。

' "It's Mrs. Trotter's two thousand," says Andy. '

“蔣太太那兩千塊錢?！笔貙嵈鸬馈?/p>

"How do you come to have it?" I asks.

“怎么在你這兒？”我問他。

' "She gave it to me," says Andy. "I've been calling on her three evenings a week for more than a month."

“她給我的?！笔貙嵈鸬?，“我這一個多月每禮拜去看她三回?！?/p>

' "Then are you William Wilkinson?" says I.

“??？你就是吳銘誓？”我詫異道。

' "I was," says Andy.

“以前是?！笔貙嵈鸬?。