為什么我們總是感到難過和內(nèi)疚？

心理學(xué)中有條定律頗為反常：被父母苛待的孩子往往會把受到的傷害歸咎于自己，而非父母。這很奇怪，他們厭憎自己更勝于虐待他們的父母。孩子們應(yīng)該擁有、也需要擁有父母足夠的愛，一旦沒有，他們立刻就能察覺。他們不懂父母為何冷淡如斯，但他們會因此感到難過。即便如此，孩子們還需要找到某種解釋。于是他們很快憑直覺確定了一條對他們而言總是令人信服的理由：他們做錯了。媽媽為什么那么焦躁？因為他們做錯了。爸爸為什么那么冷漠？因為他們做錯了。為什么他們沒有被善待？因為他們做錯了。為什么妹妹比自己更受寵愛？因為他們做錯了。

如此持續(xù)一段時間后，這些孩子整個的性格都會傾向于自責(zé)：自己就是天生“差勁”，各種層面上都是。長大成人后，他們很容易在某些時刻再次感到自己說錯了話、做錯了事。至于他們認為自己具體犯了什么錯，會根據(jù)生活中的事件和主流公眾情緒而變化：在宗教時代，他們會覺得自己在上帝眼里做錯了事。在戀童癖盛行時期，他們會恐懼自己傷害了孩童。在種族主義被視為一種首要公罪時，他們會因為自己懷有種族主義情緒而備受折磨。在家庭層面，他們會擔(dān)心自己惹惱伴侶、傷害朋友或者冒犯員工。每當(dāng)交到新朋友，他們知道，朋友很快就會意識到到他們有多“差勁”并離開他們。這種負罪感之所以難以動搖，是因為他們不能精確定位其源頭。一種彌漫的情緒籠罩著他們。名為：“我做錯了。”這種情緒，總在他們孤單時來襲。孤獨是負罪感肆意生長。（正如愛能將其驅(qū)散。）當(dāng)這一情緒達到某種程度，受折磨的人可能會幻想去警察局自首。終于，可以向警察吐露：我很累，我有罪……由此感到莫大的寬慰。一個人情愿帶上手銬、走進囚室，在此處，終于能遠離重重壓力，得到片刻喘息。不必說，現(xiàn)實中自然沒有這樣的便利。

治愈這種負罪感的唯一良方，就是拔除其源頭。亦即，認識到我們當(dāng)然一點兒也不差勁，而是我們曾受到不公的欺侮，所以被迫認為自己很糟糕。至少，我們應(yīng)當(dāng)少些自我鞭撻，多些對施虐者理應(yīng)燃起的怒火。

There's a strange law of psychology that reveals that small children who are treated badly by their parents will always rather strangely blame themselves and not their parents, for their injuries.They hate who they are rather than hating those who have done them wrong.Small children immediately notice when they are not loved as much as they might and need to be.They understand nothing of the reasons for the hard-heartedless but feel all of the pain.And yet they need to locate some form of explanation nevertheless and quickly and intuitively settle on the one that always feels most compelling to them:that they have done something wrong.Why is mommy so agitated?Because they have done something wrong.Why is daddy so cold?Because they have done something wrong.Why aren't they being treated kindly?Because they have done something wrong.Why is their little sister being preferred to them?Because they have done something wrong.

After a little while of this,their whole character becomes oriented towards guilt:they are-in numberless ways simply and primordially ‘bad’.In adult life, it then takes very little to reignite feeling that somewhere along the line,they have said and done something awful.What precise offence they believe themselves to have committed shifts according to events in their lives and the prevailing public mood: in a religious age,they may feel they have done something wrong in the eyes of god.In an age obsessed with paedophilia,they will feel they have done harm to a child.When racism is being highlighted as a leading public sin,they will be tortured that they harbor racist feelings.Closer to home,they will feel that they have upset their partner,hurt their friends or offended an employee.Whenever they make a new friend,they know that soon enough,the friend will realize the are ‘bad ’and let them go.What makes the guilt so hard to shake off is that they cannot exactly pinpoint its origin.A diffuse mood hangs over them whose title is simply:‘I have done something wrong……'The mood is particularly prone to descend when they are lonely;Guilt thrives on isolation.(Just as it is love that may disperse it.)When the mood reaches a pitch,the sufferer may fantasise about going to a police station and handing themselves in.There could be such relief in finally being able to tell the officials:I am awful, I am guilty.One could be put into handcuffs and led to the cells and there,finally,gain some relief from the awful tension.Needless to say, there will be no such benefit in reality;

The only way to cure the guilt is to unpick its origins,that is,to realize that we are not bad at all,rather that we have been bullied.Without justice into thinking we might be so.We need at last to exchange their self-flagellation for a little bit of righteous anger against those who have done us wrong.