“Why Alexandria?” Oliver asked as we stopped along the esplanade, watching the sun set beyond the breakwater on our first evening there.?

“為什么是亞歷山大港？”我們?cè)谶@的第一晚，當(dāng)我們?cè)诼愤呁Ｏ掠^賞太陽(yáng)從防波堤上落下時(shí)奧利弗問(wèn)道。

The smell of fish, salt, and bracken-still water along the shoreline was overpowering, yet we continued to stand on that stretch of the walkway across from the home of our Alexandrian Greek hosts, staring at the spot where everyone said the old lighthouse once stood.

魚(yú)、鹽、蕨類植物的味道? ? ?海岸邊平靜的水被淹沒(méi)? ? 然而我們繼續(xù)站在這段我們亞歷山大希臘房東房子對(duì)面的散步小路，望著公認(rèn)的老燈塔曾矗立的地方。

Our hosts' family had lived here for eight generations—the lighthouse, they insisted, couldn't have been located anywhere else but on the spot where the fortress of Qaitbey stands. But no one knew for sure. Meanwhile, the fading sun was in our eyes, and its color stained the distance with large brushstrokes that were not pink or subdued orange but bright, loud tangerine. Neither of us had seen that color in the sky before.

我們房東的家族已經(jīng)在這里生活八代了，對(duì)于燈塔他們堅(jiān)持，除了凱特貝城堡所處的位置，燈塔不可能在其它地方，但沒(méi)人可以確定。同時(shí)，太陽(yáng)我們的視野里逐漸淡出，它的顏色用大筆刷將遠(yuǎn)方都暈染，不是粉色或者暗沉的橙色，而是明亮的，張揚(yáng)的橘色。我們之前都從未在天空中見(jiàn)過(guò)這種顏色。

Why Alexandria? could have meant so many things: from Why is this place as it stands now so central to the history of the West? down to something as whimsical as Why did we choose to come here? I'd wanted to reply, Because everything that's meant anything to either of us—Ephesus, Athens, Syracuse—probably ended here. I was thinking of the Greeks, of Alexander and his lover Hephaestion, of the Library, and Hypatia, and ultimately of the modern Greek poet Cavafy. But I also knew why he was asking.

為什么是亞歷山大？"可以有很多意思：從為什么這個(gè)地方現(xiàn)在對(duì)西方的歷史如此重要？到我們?yōu)槭裁催x擇來(lái)這里這樣異想天開(kāi)的問(wèn)題？我想回答說(shuō)，因?yàn)樗袑?duì)我們來(lái)說(shuō)有意義的東西------以弗所、雅典、敘拉古，可能都在這里滅亡。我想到了希臘人，想到了亞歷山大和他的情人赫費(fèi)斯提翁，想到了圖書(shū)館和希帕蒂亞，最終想到了現(xiàn)代希臘詩(shī)人卡瓦菲。但我也知道他為什么要問(wèn)。

We'd left the house in Italy for a three-week tour of the Mediterranean. Our ship stopped in Alexandria for two nights and we were enjoying our last few days before sailing back home. We had wanted to be alone together. Too many people in the house. My mother, who had come to live with us and couldn't use the stairs any longer, now lived in a room on the ground floor not far enough from ours. Then there was her caregiver. Then Miranda, who stayed in my old bedroom when she wasn't traveling. And finally Little Ollie, whose room, next to hers, had once belonged to my grandfather. We shared my parents' old bedroom. I'm sure everyone could hear if you so much as coughed at night.

我們已經(jīng)離開(kāi)了意大利的家，前往地中海進(jìn)行為期三周的旅游。我們的船在亞歷山大港停了兩個(gè)晚上，我們正在享受航行回國(guó)前的最后幾天。我們?cè)雴为?dú)在一起。房子里有太多的人。我母親來(lái)和我們一起住，她不能再走樓梯了，現(xiàn)在住在一樓的一個(gè)房間里，離我們的房間不遠(yuǎn)。然后是她的護(hù)理員。然后是米蘭達(dá)(Eilo父親的情人，與Eilo年紀(jì)相仿。)，她不出差時(shí)就住在我以前的臥室。最后是小奧利（應(yīng)該是米蘭達(dá)跟Eilo父親的孩子，Eilo同父異母的弟弟。），他的房間就在她旁邊，曾經(jīng)屬于我的祖父。我們共享我父母的舊臥室。我相信，如果你在晚上咳嗽，每個(gè)人都能聽(tīng)到。

Nor had it been as easy in Italy as we'd expected at first. We knew things were going to be different but we couldn't quite grasp how the wish to rush headlong into what we'd once had years before could stir our reluctance to be in bed together.?

在意大利也沒(méi)有像我們一開(kāi)始預(yù)期的那樣容易。我們知道事情會(huì)有所不同，但我們不能完全理解，多年來(lái)的愿望突然實(shí)現(xiàn)如何會(huì)使我們對(duì)同床共枕變得別扭。

We were in the same house where it had all started—but were we the same? He tried blaming jet lag, and I let him, while he turned his back as I turned off the light before removing my clothes. I mistook the fear of being disappointed for the far more troubling fear of disappointing him. I knew he was thinking along the same lines when he finally turned around and said, “Elio, I haven't made love to a man in so many years,” adding, as he laughed, “I may have forgotten how.”?

我們?cè)谕凰孔永铮磺卸际菑倪@開(kāi)始的，但我們還是一樣的嗎？他試圖指責(zé)時(shí)差，我讓他遭受的 ，而當(dāng)我在脫掉衣服前關(guān)上燈時(shí)，他卻背對(duì)著我。我誤以為是害怕失望的存在，其實(shí)更多的是害怕他失望的不安。我知道他也是這樣想的，當(dāng)他最后轉(zhuǎn)過(guò)身來(lái)，說(shuō)："埃利奧，我已經(jīng)這么多年沒(méi)有和男人做i了。"他笑著補(bǔ)充說(shuō)："我可能已經(jīng)忘記怎么做了。"?

We'd hoped desire might foil our diffidence, but the sense of awkwardness wasn't going away. At some point in the dark, feeling the strain between us, I even suggested that perhaps talking might dispel what was holding us back. Was I being unwittingly distant, I asked. No, not distant at all. Was I being difficult? Difficult? No. Then what was it?

我們希望欲望能消除我們的隔閡，但尷尬的感覺(jué)并沒(méi)有消失。在黑暗中的某個(gè)時(shí)刻，感覺(jué)到我們之間的拘謹(jǐn)，我甚至建議，也許談話可以消除阻礙我們的東西。我問(wèn)道，我是不是不知不覺(jué)地疏遠(yuǎn)了。不，一點(diǎn)都不疏遠(yuǎn)。我是不是很難相處？難相處？不是，那是什么？

“Time,” he replied. As always, this was all he said. Did he need time, I asked, almost ready to move far away from him on our bed. No, he replied.

"時(shí)間，"他回答。像往常一樣，他只說(shuō)了這句話。他需要時(shí)間嗎，我問(wèn)道，幾乎準(zhǔn)備在我們的床上離他遠(yuǎn)一點(diǎn)。不，他回答說(shuō)。

It took me a while to understand that what he'd meant was that too much time had gone by.

我花了點(diǎn)時(shí)間才明白，他的意思是，時(shí)間已經(jīng)錯(cuò)過(guò)太多了。

“Just hug me,” I finally said.

"抱抱我吧，"我最后說(shuō)。

“And see where that goes?” he immediately quipped, inflecting each word with irony. I could tell he was nervous.

"看看會(huì)怎樣？"他立即打趣道，轉(zhuǎn)而每個(gè)詞蘊(yùn)含諷刺。我可以看出他很緊張。

“Yes, and see where that goes,” I echoed. I remembered the afternoon when I'd visited him in his class five years earlier and he'd touched my cheek with his palm. I would have slept with him in no time if he'd asked. So why hadn't he? “Because you would have laughed at me. Because you might have said no. Because I wasn't sure you'd forgiven me.”

"是的，看看會(huì)怎樣。"我附和道。我想起了五年前的那個(gè)下午，我去他的班級(jí)看望他，他用手掌撫摸我的臉頰。如果他要的話我馬上就會(huì)和他上床。那么他為什么沒(méi)有呢？"因?yàn)槟銜?huì)嘲笑我。因?yàn)槟憧赡軙?huì)說(shuō)不。因?yàn)槲也淮_定你是否會(huì)原諒我。"

We didn't make love that night, but falling asleep in his arms and hearing him breathe, and recognizing the scent of his breath after so many years and knowing that I was finally in bed with my Oliver without either of us moving away as we released our hold, was exactly what made me realize that despite two decades we were not a day older than the two young men we'd been so long ago under this same roof. In the morning he gave me a look. I didn't want silence to bridge the gap. I wanted him to speak. But he wasn't going to speak.

那晚我們沒(méi)有做i，但聽(tīng)著他的呼吸聲在他的懷里睡著了，在這么多年后認(rèn)出他的氣息，知道我終于和我的奧利弗躺在床上我們都不離開(kāi)，當(dāng)我們松開(kāi)手的時(shí)候，這正是讓我意識(shí)到，盡管有二十年的時(shí)間，我們比很久以前在這個(gè)同一屋檐下的兩個(gè)年輕人沒(méi)有老一天。早上，他看了我一眼。我不希望用沉默來(lái)消除隔閡。我想讓他說(shuō)話。但他并不打算說(shuō)話。

“Is this morning … or is this for me?” I finally asked. “Because right now mine's real.”

"這是早上......這是我的？" 我終于問(wèn)道。"因?yàn)楝F(xiàn)在我是真的。"

“Same here,” he said

"我也一樣，"他說(shuō)。

And it was I, not he, who remembered how he liked it started. “I've only done this with you,” he said, confirming what we both knew was happening between us. “But I'm still nervous,” he added.

而且是我，而不是他，他記得開(kāi)始他就那么喜歡。"我只和你做過(guò)這個(gè)，"他說(shuō)，證實(shí)了我們都知道的我們之間發(fā)生的事情。"但我還是很緊張，"他補(bǔ)充說(shuō)。

“I've never known you to be.”

"我從來(lái)不知道你會(huì)這樣。"

“I know.”

"我知道。"

“I must tell you something too—” I started because I wanted him to know.

"我也必須告訴你一些事情" 我開(kāi)始了，因?yàn)槲蚁胱屗馈?/p>

“What?”

"什么？"

“I've saved all this for you.”

"我為你保存了這一切。"

“What if we were never to be together again?”

"如果我們?cè)僖膊荒茉谝黄鹆四兀?#34;

“That was never going to happen.” Then I couldn't help myself: “You know what I like.”

"那是永遠(yuǎn)不會(huì)發(fā)生的。" 然后我無(wú)法控制自己。"你知道我喜歡什么。"

“I know.”

"我知道。"

“So you didn't forget.”

"所以你沒(méi)有忘記。"

He smiled. No, he hadn't.

他笑了。不，他沒(méi)有。

At dawn, after sex, we went swimming as we'd done years earlier.

黎明時(shí)分，做了之后，我們像多年前一樣去游泳。

When we returned the house was still sleeping.

當(dāng)我們回來(lái)時(shí)，房子還在睡覺(jué)。

“I'll make coffee.”

"我去煮咖啡。"

“I would love coffee,” he said.

"我很想喝咖啡，"他說(shuō)。

“Miranda likes it Neapolitan style. We've been brewing coffee that way for ages now.”

"米蘭達(dá)喜歡那不勒斯式的。我們已經(jīng)用這種方式?jīng)_泡咖啡很久了。"

“Fine” was his send-off as he headed to the shower.?

"好吧 "是他的送別語(yǔ)，他走向了淋浴間。

After filling the coffeepot I started boiling water for the eggs. I put down two place mats, one on the long side of the kitchen table, the other at the head. Then I put four slices of bread in the toaster but didn't start it. By the time he was back, I told him to watch for the coffee but not to turn over the pot once the coffee was ready. I loved his hair when it was combed but still wet.?

灌滿咖啡壺后，我開(kāi)始為雞蛋煮水。我放了兩個(gè)餐墊，一個(gè)放在廚房桌子的長(zhǎng)邊，另一個(gè)放在桌子頭。然后我把四片面包放進(jìn)烤面包機(jī)，但沒(méi)有啟動(dòng)它。等他回來(lái)時(shí)，我告訴他要注意咖啡，但咖啡煮好后不要翻鍋。我喜歡他的頭發(fā)，當(dāng)它還是濕的時(shí)候被梳理。

I'd forgotten that look in the morning. Not two hours earlier we weren't quite sure we'd ever make love again. I stopped fiddling with breakfast and looked at him. He knew what I was thinking and smiled. Yes, the unease that had scared us was behind us now, and as though to confirm this, before leaving the kitchen to take a shower, I placed a lingering kiss on his neck. “I haven't been kissed like that in so long,” he said. “Time,” I said, using his word to rib him.

我已經(jīng)忘記了早上的那個(gè)樣子。不到兩小時(shí)前，我們還不太確定我們是否會(huì)再次做i。我停止擺弄早餐，看著他。他知道我在想什么，笑了笑。是的，曾經(jīng)讓我們害怕的不安現(xiàn)在已經(jīng)過(guò)去了，似乎是為了證實(shí)這一點(diǎn)，在離開(kāi)廚房去洗澡之前，我在他的脖子上放了一個(gè)纏綿的吻。"我已經(jīng)很久沒(méi)有被這樣吻過(guò)了，"他說(shuō)。"是時(shí)候了，"我說(shuō)，用他的話來(lái)調(diào)侃他。

After I'd showered and was back in the kitchen, to my surprise I found Oliver and Oliver seated next to each other on the long side of the table. I dropped six eggs in the boiling water for the three of us. As they discussed a film we'd seen the night before on television, it was clear that Little Ollie had taken an instant liking to Oliver.

我洗完澡后回到廚房，令我驚訝的是，我發(fā)現(xiàn)奧利弗和奧利弗在桌子的長(zhǎng)邊上挨著坐著。我在沸水中為我們?nèi)齻€(gè)人丟了六個(gè)雞蛋。當(dāng)他們討論我們前一天晚上在電視上看到的一部電影時(shí)，很明顯，小奧利一下子就喜歡上了奧利弗。

I buttered the warm toast for everyone and watched Oliver cut off the top of the eggshell for Little Ollie and then his as well. “You know who taught me how to do this?” he asked.

我為每個(gè)人的吐司都涂了黃油，看著奧利弗為小奧利切下蛋殼的頂部，然后也切下他的。"你知道是誰(shuí)教我怎么做的嗎？"他問(wèn)。

“Who?” asked the boy.

"誰(shuí)？"男孩問(wèn)。

“Your brother. Every morning he used to cut the egg for me. Because I didn't know how it was done. They don't teach you this in America. I've been cutting the eggs for my two sons as well.”

"你哥哥。每天早上他都會(huì)為我切蛋。因?yàn)槲也恢浪窃趺醋龅?。在美?guó)他們不教你這個(gè)。我也一直在為我的兩個(gè)兒子切雞蛋。"

“You have sons?”

"你有兒子？"

“Yes, I do.”

"是的，我有。"

“What are their names?”

"他們的名字是什么？"

He told him.

他告訴他。?

“And do you know whom you're named after?” Oliver finally asked.

"那你知道你是以誰(shuí)的名字命名的嗎？" 奧利弗最后問(wèn)道。

“Yes.”

"是的。"

“Who?”

"誰(shuí)？"

“You.”

"你。"

As soon as I heard these last few words, something tightened in my throat. This underscored so many things we hadn't said, or hadn't had time to say, or couldn't find the words to say, yet here it was, like a final chord resolving an unfinished melodic air. So much time had passed, so many years, and who knew how many of them might turn out to have been the wasted years that, unbeknownst to us, end up making us better people.?

當(dāng)我聽(tīng)到這最后幾個(gè)字時(shí)，我的喉嚨有些發(fā)緊。這強(qiáng)調(diào)了許多我們沒(méi)有說(shuō)過(guò)的事情，或沒(méi)有時(shí)間說(shuō)，或找不到話說(shuō)，但它就在這里，像一個(gè)最后的和弦解決了一個(gè)未完成的旋律。這么多時(shí)間過(guò)去了，這么多年，誰(shuí)知道其中有多少年可能變成了浪費(fèi)的歲月，而這些歲月在我們不知道的情況下，最終使我們成為更好的人。

No wonder I was moved. The child was like our child, and seemed so emphatically prophesied that everything suddenly became clear to me—because there was a reason for the boy's name, because Oliver had always been of my blood and had always lived in this house, been of this house and of our lives.?

難怪我被感動(dòng)了。這個(gè)孩子就像我們的孩子，似乎是如此明顯的預(yù)言，以至于我突然明白了一切--因?yàn)檫@個(gè)孩子的名字是有原因的，因?yàn)閵W利弗一直是我的血脈，一直住在這個(gè)家里，是這個(gè)家和我們生活的一部分。

He was already here before coming to us, before my birth, before they set down the first stone generations ago, and our years in between then and now were but a hiccup in that long itinerary called time. So much time, so many years, and all the lives we'd touched and left behind, as though they could just as easily have never happened, though happen they did—time, as he'd said before we hugged and went to sleep so late that night, time is always the price we pay for the unlived life.

在來(lái)到我們身邊之前他已經(jīng)在這里了，在我出生之前，在幾代人之前，在他們放下奠基第一塊石頭之前，而我們從那時(shí)到現(xiàn)在的這些年，不過(guò)是那段被稱為時(shí)間的漫長(zhǎng)行程中的一個(gè)小插曲。這么多的時(shí)間，這么多的歲月，以及我們所接觸和離開(kāi)的所有生命，仿佛它們可以輕而易舉地從未發(fā)生過(guò)，盡管它們確實(shí)發(fā)生過(guò)-時(shí)間，正如那晚我們擁抱并入睡前他所說(shuō)的那樣，時(shí)間是我們?yōu)閺U棄生活所常常付出的代價(jià)。

And as I was pouring his coffee and hovering behind him it crossed my mind that I shouldn't have showered after this morning's lovemaking, that I wanted every trace of him still on me, because we hadn't even spoken about what we'd done at dawn yet and I wanted to hear him repeat what he'd said to me while we were making love. I wanted to tell him about our night, and how I was sure neither of us had slept as soundly as we'd claimed.?

當(dāng)我為他倒咖啡并在他身后徘徊時(shí)，我想到我不應(yīng)該在今天早上的做i之后洗澡，我希望他的每一個(gè)痕跡都還在我身上，因?yàn)槲覀兩踔吝€沒(méi)有談到我們?cè)诶杳鲿r(shí)分做的事情，我想聽(tīng)他重復(fù)我們做i時(shí)他對(duì)我說(shuō)的話。我想告訴他我們的夜晚，以及我如何確信我們兩個(gè)人都沒(méi)有像我們所說(shuō)的那樣睡得很香。

Without speech, our night could so easily disappear, as he himself could just as easily disappear. I don't know what seized me, but after I poured his coffee, I lowered my voice and almost kissed his earlobe. “You're never going back,” I whispered. “Tell me you're not leaving.”

如果不說(shuō)話，我們的夜晚就很容易消失，就像他自己也很容易消失一樣。我不知道自己被什么抓住了，但在我給他倒完咖啡后，我壓低了聲音，幾乎吻了他的耳垂。"你永遠(yuǎn)不要回去，"我低聲說(shuō)。"跟我說(shuō)你不會(huì)離開(kāi)。"

Quietly, he grabbed my arm and pulled me down to my seat at the head of the table. “I'm not leaving. Stop thinking like that.”

悄悄地，他抓住我的胳膊，把我拉到桌首的座位上。"我不會(huì)離開(kāi)。不要再這樣想了。"

I wanted to tell him about what had happened twenty years before, the good, the bad, the very good, and the terrible. There'd be time to say these things. I wanted to bring him up-to-date, to let him know everything, as I wanted to know everything about him.

我想告訴他二十年前發(fā)生的事情，好的、壞的、非常好的，以及可怕的事情。會(huì)有時(shí)間說(shuō)這些事情的。我想讓他了解最新情況，讓他知道一切，就像我想知道他的一切一樣。

I wanted to tell him how on seeing the white of his arms on his very first day among us, all I'd wanted was to be held by them and to feel them on my bare waist. I'd told him some of this while we lay in bed hours earlier.?

我想告訴他，當(dāng)他第一天來(lái)到我們中間，看到他潔白的手臂時(shí)，我只想被他抱住，感受他在我赤裸的腰上。幾個(gè)小時(shí)前，當(dāng)我們躺在床上時(shí)，我已經(jīng)告訴了他一些這些。

“You'd been on an archaeological dig in Sicily, and your arms were so tanned, I noticed them for the first time in our dining room—but the undersides of your arms were so white, and streaked with veins, like marble, and they seemed so delicate. I wanted to kiss each arm, and lick each arm.”?

“Even then?”?

“Even then. Will you just hug me now?”?

"你曾在西西里島進(jìn)行過(guò)考古挖掘，你的胳膊曬得很黑，我在我們的餐廳里第一次注意到它們--但你的胳膊下面是那么的白，布滿血管，像大理石一樣，它們看起來(lái)是那么的精致。我想親吻每一只手臂，舔舐每一只手臂。"?

"即使在那時(shí)？"?

"即使在那時(shí)。你現(xiàn)在能抱抱我嗎？"?

“And see where that goes?” he'd asked, and it was good we'd held each other and hadn't done anything more that night. He must have read my thoughts, because this was when he put an arm over my shoulder, brought me close to him, and, turning to the boy, said: “Your brother is such a wonderful person.”

他問(wèn)道："看看會(huì)有什么結(jié)果？"好在那晚我們彼此相擁，沒(méi)有再做什么。他一定是讀懂了我的想法，因?yàn)檫@時(shí)他把一只胳膊搭在我的肩膀上，把我拉近他的身邊，轉(zhuǎn)身對(duì)男孩說(shuō)。"你哥哥真是個(gè)了不起的人。"

The boy looked at us. “You think?”

那男孩看著我們。"你覺(jué)得呢？"

“Don't you think so?”

"你不這么認(rèn)為嗎？"

“Yes, I do.” The boy smiled. He knew, as I knew and Oliver knew, that irony was the language of the house.

"是的，我認(rèn)為。" 那男孩笑了。他知道，正如我和奧利弗知道的那樣，諷刺是這所房子的語(yǔ)言。

And then without warning, the boy asked: “Are you a good person too?”

然后毫無(wú)征兆地，男孩問(wèn)道 "你也是個(gè)好人嗎？"

Even Oliver was moved and had to catch his breath. The child was our child. The two of us knew it. And my father, who no longer was alive, knew it just as well, had known all along.

連奧利弗都被感動(dòng)了，不得不喘口氣。這個(gè)孩子是我們的孩子。我們兩個(gè)人都知道這一點(diǎn)。而我的父親，他已經(jīng)不在人世了，也知道這一點(diǎn)，一直以來(lái)都知道

* * *

?

“Can you believe that the old lighthouse stood here, that we are standing hardly a ten-minute walk away from it?”

"你能相信老燈塔就在這里，我們站在離它幾乎只有10分鐘路程的地方嗎？"

We were in Alexandria for another night, then headed for Naples—our gift to ourselves, or as Miranda called it, our honeymoon, before Oliver was to start teaching at the Sapienza, in Rome. But as we stood staring at the sun and watching families, friends, and people stroll along the esplanade, I wanted to ask if he remembered the moment when we'd sat on a rock one evening and looked out to the sea days before he was to return to New York.?

我們?cè)趤啔v山大又呆了一晚，然后前往那不勒斯--我們給自己的禮物，或者像米蘭達(dá)所說(shuō)的，我們的蜜月，在奧利弗開(kāi)始在羅馬的薩皮恩扎大學(xué)教學(xué)之前。但是，當(dāng)我們站在那里凝視著太陽(yáng)，看著家庭、朋友和人們?cè)诤０哆吢綍r(shí)，我想問(wèn)他是否記得在他要返回紐約的前幾天，有一天晚上我們坐在巖石上眺望大海的時(shí)刻。

Yes, he remembered, he said, of course he remembered. I asked if he recalled the nights we'd spent in Rome exploring the city into the wee hours. Yes, he remembered that too. I was going to say that that trip had changed my life, not only because we had spent our time in total freedom together, but because Rome had allowed me to taste the life of an artist, which I craved but didn't know I was meant to live.?

是的，他記得，他說(shuō)，他當(dāng)然記得。我問(wèn)他是否記得我們?cè)诹_馬度過(guò)的那些夜晚，一直到凌晨時(shí)分還在探索這座城市。是的，他也記得。我本來(lái)想說(shuō)那次旅行改變了我的生活，不僅因?yàn)槲覀円黄鸲冗^(guò)了完全自由的時(shí)光，還因?yàn)榱_馬讓我嘗到了藝術(shù)家的生活，我渴望但不知道自己注定要過(guò)這種生活。

We got so drunk yet hardly slept that first night in Rome. And we met so many poets, artists, editors, actors. But then he stopped me. “We're not going to feed off the past, are we?” he asked in his usual laconic manner that told me I had strayed into territory that held no promise for the future.

在羅馬的第一個(gè)晚上，我們喝得酩酊大醉，卻幾乎沒(méi)有睡覺(jué)。我們遇到了許多詩(shī)人、藝術(shù)家、編輯和演員。但后來(lái)他阻止了我。"我們不會(huì)以過(guò)去為食，是嗎？"他以他一貫的冷淡方式問(wèn)道，告訴我我已經(jīng)誤入了對(duì)未來(lái)沒(méi)有希望的領(lǐng)域。

?He couldn't have been more right. “I've had to sever many ties and burn bridges I know I'll pay dearly for, but I don't want to look back. I've had Micol, you've had Michel, just as I've loved a young Elio and you a younger me. They've made us who we are. Let's not pretend they never existed, but I don't want to look back.”

?他說(shuō)得再正確不過(guò)了。"我不得不切斷許多聯(lián)系，燒掉一些橋梁，我知道我將為此付出沉重的代價(jià)，但我不想回頭看。我有過(guò)米科爾（奧利弗的妻子），你有過(guò)邁克爾（Eilo的前男友），就像我愛(ài)上了年輕的Eilo，你愛(ài)上了年輕的我。他們使我們成為現(xiàn)在的我們。我們不要假裝他們從未存在過(guò)，但我不想回頭看。"

* * *

Earlier that day we had been to Cavafy's home on what was once rue Lepsius, later renamed rue Sharm el Sheikh, and now known as rue C. P. Cavafy. We laughed at the change of street names, at how the city, so inexorably ambivalent since the dawn of its founding three hundred and some years before Christ, couldn't even make up its mind what to call its own streets. “Everything comes in layers here,” I said. He didn't respond.

那天早些時(shí)候，我們?nèi)チ丝ㄍ叻频募?，那里曾?jīng)是萊普斯街，后來(lái)改名為沙姆沙伊赫街，現(xiàn)在被稱為C.P.卡瓦菲街。我們嘲笑街道名稱的變化，嘲笑這座城市自公元前三百多年前建城之初就如此不可阻擋地矛盾，甚至無(wú)法決定如何稱呼自己的街道。我說(shuō)："這里的一切都有層次，"我說(shuō)。他沒(méi)有回應(yīng)。

What surprised me as soon as we walked into the sultry apartment that had once been the great poet's home was hearing Oliver rattle off his greeting to the attendant in perfect Greek. How and when had he learned modern Greek? And how many more things didn't I know about his life, and how many didn't he know about mine??

我們一走進(jìn)曾經(jīng)是這位偉大詩(shī)人家的悶熱公寓，就聽(tīng)到奧利弗用完美的希臘語(yǔ)向服務(wù)員打招呼，這讓我很吃驚。他是如何以及何時(shí)學(xué)會(huì)的現(xiàn)代希臘語(yǔ)？關(guān)于他的生活，我還有多少事情不知道，而關(guān)于我他又有多少事情是不知道的呢？

?

He'd taken a crash course, he said, but what truly helped was the sabbatical he'd spent in Greece with his wife and sons. The boys acquired the language in no time, while his wife had stayed home a lot, reading the Durrell brothers on a sunlit deck and picking up snippets of Greek from their cleaning lady, who spoke no English.

他說(shuō)，他上過(guò)速成班，但真正有幫助的是他與妻子和兒子們?cè)谙ＥD度過(guò)的休假時(shí)間。孩子們很快就掌握了這門(mén)語(yǔ)言，而他的妻子則經(jīng)常呆在家里，在陽(yáng)光下的甲板上閱讀杜瑞爾兄弟的書(shū)，從他們的清潔工那里學(xué)到一些希臘語(yǔ)片段，她不會(huì)說(shuō)英語(yǔ)。

Cavafy's apartment, which was now a makeshift museum, felt drab and desultory despite the open windows. The neighborhood itself was drab. There was scant light as we entered and, with the exception of scattered sounds rising from the street, the dead silence in the home sat heavily on the spare, old furniture that had most likely been picked up from some abandoned storage house.?

卡瓦菲的公寓現(xiàn)在是一個(gè)臨時(shí)的博物館，盡管窗戶開(kāi)著，但感覺(jué)很單調(diào)和雜亂。這個(gè)街區(qū)本身也很單調(diào)。我們進(jìn)去的時(shí)候光線很弱，除了從街上傳來(lái)的零星聲音外，家里死一般的寂靜讓那些很可能是從某個(gè)廢棄的倉(cāng)庫(kù)里撿來(lái)的閑置的舊家具顯得很沉重。

Yet the apartment reminded me of one of my favorite poems by the poet, about a band of afternoon sunlight falling across a bed in which the poet, in his younger days, used to sleep with his lover.

然而，這間公寓讓我想起了我最喜歡的詩(shī)人的一首詩(shī)，關(guān)于下午的陽(yáng)光落在一張床上，詩(shī)人在年輕的時(shí)候，曾經(jīng)和他的愛(ài)人睡在這張床上。

Now, as the poet revisits the premises years later, all the furniture is gone, the bed is gone, and the apartment has been turned into a business office. But that ray of sunlight that was once spread over the bed has not left him and stays forever in his memory. His lover had said he'd be back within a week; but he never returned. I felt the poet's sorrow. One seldom recovers.

現(xiàn)在，當(dāng)詩(shī)人多年后重訪這個(gè)地方時(shí)，所有的家具都不見(jiàn)了，床也不見(jiàn)了，公寓已經(jīng)變成了一個(gè)商業(yè)辦公室。但那縷曾經(jīng)撒在床上的陽(yáng)光卻沒(méi)有離開(kāi)他，永遠(yuǎn)留在他的記憶中。他的愛(ài)人曾說(shuō)他會(huì)在一個(gè)星期內(nèi)回來(lái)；但他一直沒(méi)有回來(lái)。我感到了詩(shī)人的悲哀。一個(gè)人很少能恢復(fù)過(guò)來(lái)。

We were both disappointed by the assortment of cheaply made photo-portraits of a grim-looking Cavafy that lined the walls. To commemorate the visit, we bought a volume of poems in Greek. When we sat next to each other in an old Greek pastry shop overlooking the bay, Oliver began reading aloud one of the poems to me, first in Greek and then in his own hasty translation.?

我們都對(duì)墻上掛著的各種廉價(jià)的卡瓦菲的照片畫(huà)像感到失望。為了紀(jì)念這次訪問(wèn)，我們買了一冊(cè)希臘文的詩(shī)集。當(dāng)我們坐在一家俯瞰海灣的老希臘糕點(diǎn)店里時(shí)，奧利弗開(kāi)始向我朗讀其中的一首詩(shī)，先是用希臘語(yǔ)，然后是他自己草草翻譯的。

I couldn't remember reading that poem before. It was about a Greek colony in Italy that the Greeks called Poseidonia and that was later renamed Paistos by the Lucanians and still later Paestum by the Romans.

我不記得以前讀過(guò)這首詩(shī)。這首詩(shī)是關(guān)于希臘人在意大利的一個(gè)殖民地，希臘人稱之為波塞多尼亞，后來(lái)被盧卡尼亞人改名為帕斯托斯，再后來(lái)被羅馬人改名為佩斯頓。

?Over the centuries and so many generations after they'd settled, these Greeks eventually lost the memory of their Greek heritage and of the Greek language, and acquired Italianate customs instead—except for one day each year when, on that ritual anniversary, the Poseidonians would celebrate a Greek festival with Greek music and Greek rites to recall, as best each could, the forgotten customs and language of their forebears, realizing to their profound sorrow that they'd lost their magnificent Greek heritage and were no better than the Barbarians the Greeks were wont to scorn.

在他們定居后的幾個(gè)世紀(jì)里，這些希臘人最終失去了對(duì)他們的希臘遺產(chǎn)和希臘語(yǔ)言的記憶，取而代之的是意大利式的習(xí)俗--除了每年的某一天，在那個(gè)儀式性的紀(jì)念日，波塞冬人會(huì)用希臘音樂(lè)和希臘儀式來(lái)慶祝一個(gè)希臘節(jié)日，盡可能地回憶他們祖先的被遺忘的習(xí)俗和語(yǔ)言，他們深深地意識(shí)到他們已經(jīng)失去了華麗的希臘遺產(chǎn)，比希臘人慣常蔑視的蠻族好不了多少。

By sundown that day they'd be cradling the very scraps of their residual Greek identity only to watch it vanish by sunup the next day.

當(dāng)天日落時(shí)分，他們將抱著殘存的希臘身份的碎片，只能看著它在第二天日出時(shí)分消失。

It was then, as we ate the sweet pastries, that it occurred to Oliver that just like the Poseidonians, the few remaining Alexandrian Greeks today—our hosts, the attendant in the museum, the very old waiter in our pastry shop, the man who had sold us an English-language newspaper this morning—all had acquired new customs, new habits, and spoke a language that smacked of obsolescence compared to the Greek spoken nowadays on the mainland.

就在這時(shí)，當(dāng)我們吃著甜美的糕點(diǎn)時(shí)，奧利弗想到，就像波塞冬人一樣，今天僅存的幾個(gè)亞歷山大希臘人--我們的主人、博物館的服務(wù)員、糕點(diǎn)店的老服務(wù)員、今天早上賣給我們一份英文報(bào)紙的人--都已經(jīng)有了新的習(xí)俗、新的習(xí)慣，說(shuō)的語(yǔ)言與現(xiàn)在大陸上的希臘語(yǔ)相比有種過(guò)時(shí)的感覺(jué)。

But Oliver told me something I will never forget: that on the sixteenth of November each year—my birthday—though married and the father of two sons, he would take time out to remember the Poseidonian in himself and to consider what life would have been had we stayed together.?

但奧利弗告訴我一些我永遠(yuǎn)不會(huì)忘記的事情：每年11月16日--我的生日--雖然已經(jīng)結(jié)婚，并且是兩個(gè)兒子的父親，但他會(huì)抽出時(shí)間來(lái)回憶自己身上的波塞冬人，并考慮如果我們呆在一起，生活會(huì)是什么樣子。

“I feared I was starting to forget your face, your voice, your smell, even,” he said. Over the years he had found his own ritual spot not far from his office, overlooking a lake where he would take a few moments on that day to think of our unlived life, his with mine. The vigil, as my father would have called it, never lasted long enough and it disrupted nothing.?

他說(shuō)："我擔(dān)心我開(kāi)始忘記你的臉，你的聲音，你的氣味，甚至"。多年來(lái)，他在離辦公室不遠(yuǎn)的地方找到了自己的儀式地點(diǎn)，俯瞰著一個(gè)湖泊，在那里他將在那一天花一些時(shí)間來(lái)思考我們未完成的生活，他和我的生活。守夜，正如我父親所稱，從來(lái)沒(méi)有持續(xù)足夠長(zhǎng)的時(shí)間，也沒(méi)有打亂什么。

But recently, he went on, and perhaps because he was elsewhere that year, it came to him that the situation was entirely reversed, that he was a Poseidonian on all but one day a year and that the lure of bygone days had never left him, that he had forgotten nothing and didn't want to forget, and that even if he couldn't write or call to see whether I too had forgotten nothing, still, he knew that though neither of us sought out the other it was only because we had never really parted and that, regardless of where we were, who we were with, and whatever stood in our way, all he needed when the time was right was simply to come and find me.

但最近，他繼續(xù)說(shuō)，也許是因?yàn)槟且荒晁谄渌胤?，他突然發(fā)現(xiàn)情況完全相反，除了一年中的一天，他都是波塞冬人，過(guò)去的日子的誘惑從未離開(kāi)過(guò)他，他沒(méi)有忘記什么，也不想忘記。即使他不能寫(xiě)信或打電話給我，看我是否也什么都沒(méi)忘，但他仍然知道，盡管我們都沒(méi)有尋找對(duì)方，那只是因?yàn)槲覀儚奈凑嬲珠_(kāi)過(guò)，而且，不管我們?cè)谀睦?，和誰(shuí)在一起，以及有什么阻礙我們，當(dāng)時(shí)機(jī)成熟時(shí)，他所需要的只是來(lái)找我而已。

“And you did.”

"而你做到了。"

“And I did,” he said.

"我做到了，"他說(shuō)。

“I wish my father were alive today.”

"我希望我的父親今天還活著。"

Oliver looked at me, was silent a while, then said: “So do I, so do I.”

奧利弗看著我，沉默了一會(huì)兒，然后說(shuō)。"我也是，我也是。"?