How to Stop Obsessing Over Your Mistakes

by?Alice Boyes

Do you ever find yourself endlessly mentally replaying situations in which you wish you’d performed differently? You wish you hadn’t said that dumb thing. You wish you’d volunteered for that project that’s now winning accolades. You wish you’d spoken up. You wish you hadn’t dropped the ball with that potential client.

你有這種習(xí)慣嗎——反復(fù)回想某件事，希望自己當(dāng)時(shí)換種做法？你希望自己沒說那句蠢話；你希望自己主動(dòng)參加了那個(gè)現(xiàn)在大獲好評的項(xiàng)目；你希望勇敢地表達(dá)自己的想法；你希望自己沒搞砸那個(gè)潛在客戶。

Overthinking in this way is called rumination. While we worry about what might occur in the future, we ruminate about events that have already happened. A ruminative reaction to an event often triggers memories of similar situations from the past and an unproductive focus on the gap between the real and ideal self. Prompted by this one event, you begin to chastise yourself for not being more of something…organized, ambitious, smart, disciplined, or charismatic.

心理學(xué)中，這種過度思慮稱為“反芻”。我們會(huì)擔(dān)憂將要發(fā)生的事，也會(huì)反芻已經(jīng)發(fā)生的事。對某件事的反芻常會(huì)觸發(fā)對相似情境的記憶，讓我們無意義地糾結(jié)于現(xiàn)實(shí)與理想的差距。受這一件事的刺激，你開始因?yàn)樽约翰粔蚝枚晕遗校翰粔蛴袟l理、缺少野心、腦子不靈光、缺乏紀(jì)律性、沒有魅力??

Rumination isn’t just unpleasant. It’s closely linked to poor problem-solving, anxiety, and depression. The good news is that there are effective solutions for breaking yourself out of this rut, and they’re simpler than you might think.

反芻不僅讓人不快，它還與解決問題能力低下、焦慮和抑郁密切相關(guān)。好消息是，有一些好用的方法可以幫你擺脫這種折磨，而且可能比你想象的簡單。

Identify your most common triggers.?You can’t quell rumination without noticing that you’re doing it, but people aren’t always able to spot it in themselves. A great way to get better at this is to think about what has triggered you in the past. Your list might look something like:

識(shí)別常見觸發(fā)事件。要想停止反芻，你必須先意識(shí)到自己在這樣做。但人們并不總能有這種意識(shí)。解決這個(gè)問題的一個(gè)好方法是，回想一下過去觸發(fā)反芻行為的事件。你可能會(huì)列出以下事件：

• Collaborating with people I don’t yet trust?/與尚不信任的人協(xié)作

• Being around people who seem smarter or more ambitious /與看上去更聰明或更有野心的人共處

• Taking a step up in my career?/?職場高升

• Making major money decisions?/?做與金錢有關(guān)的重大決定

Notice if the dominant pattern of your rumination is blaming yourself or blaming others. Most heavy ruminators lean towards one or the other of these.

要注意一下你主要是責(zé)備自己還是責(zé)備他人，大多數(shù)重度反芻者都屬于二者之一。

Get psychological distance.?Next, you need to put some psychological distance between you and the things you ruminate about. For instance, you might feel concerned about how you’re perceived by people who have no impact on your success,?get hung up about very small amounts of money, or see yourself as an underachiever despite the fact that objectively you’re doing very well. One way to start to get this distance is by labeling what’s running through your head as?thoughts and feelings, a tactic described in this article on?emotional agility. So instead of saying “I’m inadequate,” you might say, “I’m feeling like I’m inadequate.” You can even be more light-hearted about it: “Oh, that’s just my ruminating mind overheating again.”

拉開心理距離。接下來，你需要在自身和反芻的事情之間拉開心理距離。例如，你可能過于擔(dān)心他人無關(guān)緊要的看法，也可能被一點(diǎn)小錢弄得心神不寧，又或者明明做得很好卻自認(rèn)為不夠成功。拉開心理距離的一個(gè)方法是告訴自己，腦子里的這堆東西只是念頭和感覺而已，這樣做能幫助你培養(yǎng)“情緒敏捷性”：你會(huì)說“我感覺我做得不夠好”，而不是“我做得不夠好”。甚至可以更輕描淡寫一些：“哦，這又是我那個(gè)喜歡反芻的腦袋在作怪了?！?/p>

Recognizing the absurdity in some of your reactions can also help you take them less seriously. Look for any subtle entitlement or self-absorption hidden in your ruminations. Do you expect things to always go your way? Do you tend to believe people are scrutinizing you when, in reality, they’re probably thinking about themselves? Do you spend time comparing yourself to business superstars or celebrities? Entitlement and personalizing can indicate that you tend to think the world revolves around you. If applicable, try to see the irony in being?both narcissistic and insecure, rather than viewing it as an indictment on your character. You can even try imagining an ultra-neurotic TV character version of yourself. Not every rumination topic is appropriate for this strategy but catch any that are.

認(rèn)識(shí)到自己某些感受的荒謬性，能讓你不那么認(rèn)真地對待它們。你可以在反芻行為中尋找自大和自我中心的跡象：你想讓什么事情都合你意嗎？你覺得別人在跟你過不去，但人家也許只是在為自己考慮？你是否會(huì)把自己和商業(yè)明星及網(wǎng)紅做比較？如果你有這種心理傾向，可能會(huì)覺得世界應(yīng)該圍著你轉(zhuǎn)?？赡艿脑?，要看到自戀和不安全感的可笑之處，而不要把它們當(dāng)作你的人格缺陷。你甚至可以想象一個(gè)超級(jí)神經(jīng)質(zhì)版本的自己。這種策略并不適用于所有類型的反芻，不過可以看情況嘗試。

Distinguish between ruminating and problem solving.?Occasionally you might have a useful insight while ruminating, but mostly it’s avoidance coping. Generally, the more people ruminate, the less effective they are at problem solving. Either they don’t think of solutions or don’t pursue them quickly or effectively. For instance, one?study?showed that women who were heavy ruminators took over a month longer to seek medical care after finding a breast lump. To shift from rumination to improvement mode, ask yourself, “What’s the best choice right now, given the reality of the situation?” Start by taking one step, even if it’s not the most perfect or comprehensive thing you could do. This strategy is particularly relevant for?perfectionists. If you’re ruminating about a mistake you’ve made, adopt a strategy that will lessen the likelihood of it happening again.

區(qū)分反芻和解決問題。反芻偶爾能帶來有用的洞察，但大多數(shù)情況下只是一種逃避方式。一般來說，反芻越多，解決問題的能力就越差。反芻會(huì)讓人不去尋找解決方案，或者無法快速有效地執(zhí)行解決方案。一項(xiàng)研究顯示，經(jīng)常有反芻行為的女性在發(fā)現(xiàn)乳房腫塊后，要等超過一個(gè)月才去就醫(yī)。要想從反芻模式進(jìn)入行動(dòng)模式，你應(yīng)該問自己：“基于目前狀況，最佳選擇是什么？”盡管不完美或不周全，你也必須先采取初步行動(dòng)。這種策略對完美主義者尤其重要。如果你在反芻已經(jīng)犯過的錯(cuò)誤，那就應(yīng)該采取策略降低再犯的可能性。

Train your brain to become non-stick.?As soon as you notice you’re ruminating, try to distract yourself for a few minutes. Engage in an activity that’s short and mentally absorbing but not extraordinarily difficult, like spending 10 minutes filling out an expense report. The activity you pick should be one that requires you to concentrate. In some situations, you might be able to just refocus your attention on what you’re supposed to be doing. You might think: “How could something so simple help with my complex, emotional problem?” But this technique can be surprisingly effective.

降低大腦的“黏性”。當(dāng)你意識(shí)到自己在反芻，可以先設(shè)法轉(zhuǎn)移注意力，做一些耗時(shí)不長、需要占用精力但難度不大的事情，比如花10分鐘填一份開支報(bào)告。你選擇的應(yīng)該是需要集中精力的事情。還有些情況下，你也許可以重新把注意力集中到本該做的事情上。你可能會(huì)想：“這么簡單的事情怎么能解決復(fù)雜的情緒問題呢？”但這個(gè)技巧可能意外有效。

Physical activity, such as jogging or walking, can also calm a mind that’s prone to rumination. Meditation or yoga can be especially helpful for protecting yourself from sticky thoughts and learning not to over-engage with them. These practices ask you to?notice when your mind has wandered off?to the past or future and bring it back to what’s happening in the present (often your breathing or?other sensations in your body or surroundings.)? This is exactly the skill you need for coping with moments of rumination.

慢跑或散步等運(yùn)動(dòng)，也可以幫助反芻的大腦平靜下來。冥想或瑜伽可能尤其有助于擺脫揮之不去的念頭，讓你逐漸看淡它們。這些運(yùn)動(dòng)和訓(xùn)練能讓你敏銳察覺到自己的思緒飄向過去或未來，并把它拉回當(dāng)下，聚焦于你的呼吸或身體及周遭的變化。這正是應(yīng)對反芻所需的技巧。

Check your thinking for errors.?Sometimes rumination is triggered by cognitive errors. The catch-22 is that you’re not likely to be very good at detecting distorted thinking when you’re ruminating, since it clouds thinking. The solution is to develop a good understanding of your typical thinking errors, over time, in calm moments so that you’re still able to recognize them when you’re feeling heightened emotions. Here’s a personal example: I’ll often read a work-related email and zone in on one or two sentences that irritate or upset me and then misinterpret the overall tone of the message as demanding or dismissive. But, because I’m aware of this pattern, I’ve learned to not ruminate over my initial impressions. Instead, I read the email again after a day’s cool down, and usually see that I had a biased impression of it.

尋找思維陷阱。反芻有時(shí)是由認(rèn)知錯(cuò)誤導(dǎo)致的，而在反芻狀態(tài)中，你恰恰不太能發(fā)現(xiàn)思維陷阱，這就讓你愈發(fā)難以自拔。解決方法是，在平靜狀態(tài)下總結(jié)自己典型的思維陷阱，這樣你在情緒不好時(shí)也能識(shí)別它們。說一個(gè)我自己的例子：處理工作郵件時(shí)，有時(shí)我會(huì)過于在意讓我不快的某句話，然后受此影響，認(rèn)為整封郵件的態(tài)度就是不講理或輕蔑的。但認(rèn)識(shí)到這個(gè)問題后，我試著不去反芻初始印象，而是冷靜一天后重讀郵件，并時(shí)常看清自己的偏差。

Other common cognitive errors include setting too-high self-expectations,?misinterpreting others’?expectations of you, underestimating the extent to which other smart people struggle with what’s troubling you, and making mountains out of molehills. If you’re ruminating about someone else’s behavior and attributing a cause to that behavior, at least entertain the idea that your explanation is wrong and try to accept that you might never know the truth. Recognizing that we often won’t understand the reasons for someone else’s behavior is a hugely important skill in reducing rumination.

其他常見認(rèn)知錯(cuò)誤還包括自我期待過高、錯(cuò)誤理解他人對你的期待、看不到所謂成功人士和你有相同的困擾、小題大做等。當(dāng)你反芻別人的某些行為并嘗試分析原因時(shí)，不妨試想你的看法可能是錯(cuò)的，并且要接受自己可能無法得知真相的事實(shí)。認(rèn)識(shí)到我們經(jīng)常無法獲知他人行為的原因，這是有助于減少反芻的一個(gè)重要技能。

Rumination is a widespread problem. Before you can break out of it, you need to become more aware of when you’re doing it and have resistance strategies ready to go. This takes time and effort. But it’s important — for your mental health and productivity?— to try to nip it in the bud. So, before you go deep into your next “would have, should have, could have” spiral, give one or more of these ideas a go.

反芻是個(gè)普遍問題。要想擺脫反芻，你必須先了解自己的“發(fā)作”模式并制定對策。這需要時(shí)間和努力，但防范反芻對你的精神健康和工作效率非常重要。所以下次拿“不該、本該、應(yīng)該”折磨自己之前，不妨試試上面講到的方法。

愛麗絲·博伊斯，博士，曾為臨床心理學(xué)家，后從事寫作，著有《心靈健康工具箱》（The Healthy Mind Toolkit）和《焦慮工具箱》（The Anxiety Toolkit）。