Ma, your sudden and devastating passing has been dictated my life for 5 months now, as I am still striking by how, months after you are gone, the grief has been so inexplicable, the loss has been so unbearable, the suffering has been seemingly never ending, the lament has been seemingly done nothing, the pain has been so overwhelming and relentless, the hurt has been rendering me helpless and hopeless, the damage done is permanent, and that dreadful and horrendous day on 04 October 2022 was the worst moment of my life

Ma, to me, you were invincible, as you were my very first best friend, the first person to tell me how special I was, and the first person to wipe my tears away when I was afraid, but 5 months ago today, though, I learned you are not invincible after all, so, in the days, weeks, and months that followed the shocking loss of you, I have been feeling a heartbreak that I cannot even imagine, that approximating my very worst pain before, multiply it by millions time, and that does not even begin to scratch the surface of what I have been enduring

Ma, you lived with us for 16 years here in the UK, and that was the greatest blessing of my entire life, but that does not make my heartache any less, so much so that, I soberly do not have a proper vocabulary to talk and write about it, whatsoever angle I take to address this lack, it seems as though the universal experience of loss should be easy to describe, yet it is not, while words can never truly express the sacred relationship between you my unique dearest Ma and me your darling daughter, that engraved in my heart and my soul forever

Ma, your loving presence was immensely important to me, even while you were only doing ordinary things like cooking, cleaning, and gardening, as I am now looking around me, our house, our kitchen, and our garden, are all the same and yet it feels so different, so empty, and so quiet, since your distinctive voice, your cheerful laughter, and your unique chopping sound suddenly stopped, our home was a feeling that now is remaining dormant, and I am now feeling like my life lost its colour, its meaning, and its purpose in your awful absence

Ma, if I have to pinpoint your location right now, I would be saying that you are everywhere and nowhere at the same time, as I can see you in everything that I encounter in my daily living, whilst you are a foggy memory I cannot quite bring into focus and a gentle spirit that infuses all my days, you are hovering in the background of my life, suspended, shapeless, like familiar air, inevitably, each and every day reminds me that my lives will never, ever be what it was before, no matter what happens, my life has been changed in the worst way