中英文稿

好的，我想讓大家舉手示意一下， 有多少人曾經(jīng) 在 Facebook 上拉黑過(guò)好友， 因?yàn)樗麄儼l(fā)表過(guò)關(guān)于政治、宗教、 兒童權(quán)益，或者食物等 不恰當(dāng)?shù)难哉摚?/p>

有多少人至少有一個(gè)不想見(jiàn)的人， 因?yàn)槟憔褪遣幌牒蛯?duì)方說(shuō)話(huà)？

要知道，在過(guò)去 想要一段禮貌的交談， 我們只要遵循亨利·希金斯（Henry Higgins） 在《窈窕淑女》中的忠告： 只談?wù)撎鞖夂湍愕慕】禒顩r就行了。 但這些年隨著氣候變化 以及反對(duì)疫苗運(yùn)動(dòng)的開(kāi)展 ——

這招也不怎么管用了。 因此，在我們生活的這個(gè)世界， 這個(gè)每一次交談 都有可能發(fā)展為爭(zhēng)論的世界， 政客無(wú)法彼此交談， 甚至為那些雞毛蒜皮的事情 都有人群情激昂地贊成或反對(duì)， 這太不正常了。 皮尤研究中心對(duì)一萬(wàn)名 美國(guó)成年人做了一次調(diào)查， 發(fā)現(xiàn)此刻我們的偏激程度， 我們立場(chǎng)鮮明的程度， 比歷史上任何時(shí)期都要高。 我們更不傾向于妥協(xié)， 這意味著我們沒(méi)有傾聽(tīng)彼此。 我們做的各種決定， 選擇生活在何處， 與誰(shuí)結(jié)婚甚至和誰(shuí)交朋友， 都只基于我們已有的信念。 再重復(fù)一遍， 這說(shuō)明我們沒(méi)有傾聽(tīng)彼此。 交談需要平衡講述和傾聽(tīng)， 而不知怎么的， 我們卻漸漸失掉了這種平衡。

技術(shù)進(jìn)步是部分原因。 比如智能手機(jī)， 現(xiàn)在就在你們手里， 或者就在旁邊，隨手就能拿到。 據(jù)皮尤的研究稱(chēng)， 大約三分之一的美國(guó)青少年 每天發(fā)送超過(guò)一百條短信。 而這中間很多人，幾乎是所有人， 更傾向于給朋友發(fā)短信， 而不是面對(duì)面的交談。 《大西洋》雜志 登過(guò)一篇很棒的文章， 作者是高中教師保羅·巴恩韋爾 （Paul Barnwell）。 他給自己的學(xué)生一項(xiàng)交流任務(wù)， 希望教會(huì)他們?nèi)绾尾唤柚P記 針對(duì)某一話(huà)題發(fā)表演講。 然后他說(shuō)：“我開(kāi)始意識(shí)到……”

“我開(kāi)始意識(shí)到交流能力 可能是最被我們忽視的， 沒(méi)有好好教授的技能。 孩子每天花費(fèi)數(shù)小時(shí) 通過(guò)屏幕接觸創(chuàng)意和其他伙伴， 但很少有機(jī)會(huì) 去發(fā)掘自己的人際交往技能。” 這聽(tīng)起來(lái)很好笑， 但我們必須問(wèn)問(wèn)自己： 21世紀(jì)，有什么技能 會(huì)比維持一段連貫、 自信的談話(huà)更為重要？”

現(xiàn)在，我的職業(yè)就是跟別人談話(huà)。 諾貝爾獎(jiǎng)獲得者、卡車(chē)司機(jī)、 億萬(wàn)富翁、幼兒園老師， 州長(zhǎng)、水管工。 我和我喜歡的人交談， 也和我不喜歡的人交談。 我和在個(gè)人層面 非常不認(rèn)同的人交談。 但我仍舊和他們有很好的交流。 所以我希望用接下來(lái)的 10 分鐘 教你們?nèi)绾握勗?huà)， 以及如何傾聽(tīng)。

你們中間很多人已經(jīng)聽(tīng)過(guò)無(wú)數(shù)建議， 比如看著對(duì)方的眼睛， 提前想好可以討論的有趣話(huà)題， 注視、點(diǎn)頭并且微笑 來(lái)表明你的專(zhuān)注， 重復(fù)你剛才聽(tīng)到的，或者做總結(jié)。 我想讓你們忘掉所有這些， 全都沒(méi)用。

根本沒(méi)必要去學(xué)習(xí)如何表現(xiàn)你很專(zhuān)心， 如果你確實(shí)很專(zhuān)心。

我其實(shí)是把作為職業(yè)訪(fǎng)談?wù)?一模一樣的技巧 用在了日常生活中。 好，我要來(lái)教你們 如何采訪(fǎng)他人， 這其實(shí)會(huì)幫助你們學(xué)習(xí) 如何成為更好的溝通者。 學(xué)習(xí)開(kāi)始一段交談， 不浪費(fèi)時(shí)間，不感到無(wú)聊， 以及，最重要的是，不冒犯任何人。

我們都曾有過(guò)很棒的交談。 我們都曾有過(guò)， 我們知道那是什么感覺(jué)。 那種結(jié)束之后令你感到 很享受、很受鼓舞的交談， 或者令你覺(jué)得你和別人 建立了真實(shí)的連接， 或者讓你完全得到了他人的理解。 沒(méi)有理由說(shuō) 你大部分人際互動(dòng)不能成為那樣。

我有 10 條基本規(guī)則。 我會(huì)一條條給你們解釋?zhuān)?但說(shuō)真的，如果你 選擇一條并且熟練掌握， 你就已經(jīng)可以享受更愉快的交談了。

第一條：不要三心二意。 我不是說(shuō)單純放下你的手機(jī)、 平板電腦、車(chē)鑰匙， 或者隨便什么握在手里的東西。 我的意思是，處在當(dāng)下。 進(jìn)入那個(gè)情境中去。 不要想著你之前和老板的爭(zhēng)吵。 不要想著你晚飯吃什么。 如果你想退出交談， 就退出交談。 但不要身在曹營(yíng)心在漢。

第二條：不要好為人師。 如果你想要表達(dá)自己的看法， 又不想留下任何機(jī)會(huì)讓人 回應(yīng)、爭(zhēng)論、反駁或闡發(fā)， 寫(xiě)博客去。

有個(gè)很好的理由來(lái)說(shuō)明 我的談話(huà)里為什么不允許有“專(zhuān)家說(shuō)教”： 因?yàn)檎娴暮軣o(wú)聊。 如果對(duì)方是個(gè)保守派， 那一定討厭奧巴馬、食品券和墮胎。 如果對(duì)方是個(gè)自由派， 那一定會(huì)討厭 大銀行、石油公司和迪克·切尼。 完全可以預(yù)測(cè)的。 你肯定不希望那樣。 你需要在進(jìn)入每一次交流時(shí) 都假定自己可以學(xué)習(xí)到一些東西。 著名的治療師 M.斯科特·派克（M. Scott Peck）說(shuō)過(guò)， 真正的傾聽(tīng)需要把自己放在一邊。 有時(shí)候，這意味著 把你的個(gè)人觀(guān)點(diǎn)放在一邊。 他說(shuō)感受到這種接納， 說(shuō)話(huà)的人會(huì)變得越來(lái)越不脆弱敏感， 因而越來(lái)越有可能 打開(kāi)自己的內(nèi)心世界， 呈現(xiàn)給傾聽(tīng)者。 再?gòu)?qiáng)調(diào)一遍， 假定你需要學(xué)習(xí)新東西。

比爾·奈伊（Bill Nye）說(shuō)：“每一個(gè)你將要 見(jiàn)到的人都有你不知道的東西?！?我來(lái)復(fù)述一下： 每個(gè)人都是某方面的專(zhuān)家。

第三點(diǎn)：使用開(kāi)放式問(wèn)題。 關(guān)于這一點(diǎn)， 請(qǐng)參考記者采訪(fǎng)的提問(wèn)方式。 以“誰(shuí)”、“什么”、“何時(shí)”、“何地”、 “為什么”或“如何”開(kāi)始提問(wèn)。 如果你詢(xún)問(wèn)一個(gè)復(fù)雜的問(wèn)題 將會(huì)得到一個(gè)簡(jiǎn)單的回答。 如果我問(wèn)你：“你當(dāng)時(shí)恐懼嗎？” 你會(huì)回應(yīng)那句話(huà)中最有力的詞， 即“恐懼”，而答案將是 “是的”或者“不是”。 “你當(dāng)時(shí)氣憤嗎？” “是的，我當(dāng)時(shí)氣得很。” 讓對(duì)方去描述， 對(duì)方才是了解情境的人。 試著這樣問(wèn)對(duì)方： “那是什么樣子？” “你感覺(jué)怎么樣？” 因?yàn)檫@樣一來(lái)，對(duì)方可能 需要停下來(lái)想一想， 而你會(huì)得到更有意思的回答。

第四點(diǎn)：順其自然。 也就是說(shuō)，想法會(huì) 自然流入你的頭腦， 而你需要將它們表達(dá)出來(lái)。 我們常聽(tīng)到采訪(fǎng)中 嘉賓說(shuō)了幾分鐘, 然后主持人回過(guò)來(lái)問(wèn)問(wèn)題, 這問(wèn)題好像不知道從何而來(lái) 或者已經(jīng)被回答過(guò)了。 這說(shuō)明主持人可能兩分鐘前就沒(méi)在聽(tīng)， 因?yàn)樗氲搅?這個(gè)非常機(jī)智的問(wèn)題， 于是就心心念念想著問(wèn)這個(gè)問(wèn)題。 我們同樣也會(huì)這么干。 當(dāng)我們和某人坐在一起交談時(shí)， 我們突然想起那次和休·杰克曼 （Hugh Jackman）在咖啡店的偶遇。

然后我們就不再聽(tīng)了。 故事和想法總會(huì)不斷向你涌來(lái)， 但即便無(wú)法阻止， 也不要讓它們過(guò)多地在頭腦中逗留。

第五點(diǎn)：如果你不知道， 就說(shuō)你不知道。 廣播節(jié)目里的人，尤其在 全國(guó)公共廣播電臺(tái)（NPR）中， 非常明白他們的談話(huà) 會(huì)被播放出去。 所以他們對(duì)自己聲稱(chēng)專(zhuān)業(yè)的地方 以及言之鑿鑿的東西會(huì)更加小心。 要學(xué)著這樣做。謹(jǐn)言慎行。 談話(huà)應(yīng)該是負(fù)責(zé)任的行為。

第六條：不要把自己的 經(jīng)歷和他人比較。 如果對(duì)方談?wù)撌チ思胰耍?不要就勢(shì)開(kāi)始說(shuō)你失去家人的事情。 如果對(duì)方在說(shuō)工作上的困擾， 不要告訴他們你多么討厭你的工作。 這不一樣的，永遠(yuǎn)不可能一樣。 任何經(jīng)歷都是獨(dú)一無(wú)二的。 而且，更重要的是， 這不是在談?wù)撃愕氖隆?你不需要在此刻證明你多么能干， 或者你經(jīng)受了多少痛苦。 有人曾問(wèn)史蒂芬·霍金（Stephen Hawking） 他的智商是多少，他回答道： “我不知道，拿智商吹牛的人都是屌絲?！?/p>

交談不是用來(lái)推銷(xiāo)自己的。

第七條： 盡量別重復(fù)自己的話(huà)。 這很咄咄逼人，也很無(wú)聊。 但我們很容易這樣做。 尤其是在工作交談中， 或者和孩子的交談中。 我們想聲明一個(gè)觀(guān)點(diǎn)， 于是換著方式不停地說(shuō)。 別這樣。

第八條：少說(shuō)廢話(huà)。 說(shuō)白了，沒(méi)人在乎 那些年份，名字， 日期等等這些 你努力試圖 在腦中回想的種種細(xì)節(jié)。 別人不在乎，他們關(guān)注的是你。 對(duì)方關(guān)心你是什么樣的人， 和你有什么共同點(diǎn)。 所以忘掉細(xì)節(jié)吧，別管它們。

第九條： 這不是最后一條， 但是最重要的一條。 認(rèn)真傾聽(tīng)。 我說(shuō)不上來(lái)到底有多少 重要人士都說(shuō)過(guò) 傾聽(tīng)可能是最重要的，第一重要的 你可以提升的技能。 佛曰——我轉(zhuǎn)述一下， “如果你嘴不停，你就學(xué)不到東西。” 卡爾文·柯立芝（Calvin Coolidge）曾說(shuō)： “從沒(méi)有人是因?yàn)槁?tīng)太多而被開(kāi)除的?！?/p>

為什么我們不愿傾聽(tīng)彼此？ 首先，我們更喜歡說(shuō)。 我在說(shuō)話(huà)時(shí)一切在我的掌控之中。 我不用去聽(tīng)任何我不感興趣的東西。 我是焦點(diǎn)。 我可以強(qiáng)化自己的認(rèn)同感。 但還有一個(gè)原因： 我們會(huì)受到干擾。 人平均每分鐘說(shuō)大約 225 個(gè)單詞， 但我們每分鐘可以聽(tīng)將近 500 個(gè)單詞。 所以我們的腦子 被這另外 275 個(gè)單詞占據(jù)了。 我知道這很耗費(fèi)精力 去真正注意聽(tīng)別人講。 但如果你不這么做， 你們就不是在交談。 你們只不過(guò)是兩個(gè)人 在同一個(gè)地方 彼此嚷嚷毫不相關(guān)的話(huà)。

你們必須相互傾聽(tīng)。 史蒂芬·柯維（Stephen Covey） 對(duì)此有精彩的論述。 他說(shuō)：“我們大多數(shù)人 都不是為了理解而傾聽(tīng)。 我們?yōu)榱嘶貞?yīng)而聽(tīng)。”

最后一條，第十條：簡(jiǎn)明扼要。 對(duì)他人產(chǎn)生興趣。

我在一個(gè)名人外公的身邊長(zhǎng)大， 我家里賓客絡(luò)繹不絕。 訪(fǎng)客會(huì)前來(lái) 和我的外祖父母交談， 而那些人離開(kāi)后， 我母親會(huì)過(guò)來(lái) 對(duì)我們說(shuō)： “你們知道那是誰(shuí)嗎？ 她是美國(guó)小姐的亞軍。 他是薩克拉門(mén)托市長(zhǎng)。 她拿過(guò)普利策獎(jiǎng)。 他是俄羅斯芭蕾舞蹈家?！?我在成長(zhǎng)中默認(rèn)了 每個(gè)人都有不為人知的精彩。 說(shuō)真的，我想是這一切 讓我成為了更好的主持人。 我盡量少說(shuō)話(huà)， 但開(kāi)放自己的思想， 永遠(yuǎn)準(zhǔn)備著大吃一驚， 而我從不會(huì)感到失望。

你們也可以這樣。 走出門(mén)去，和別人交談， 聽(tīng)別人說(shuō)， 以及最重要的，準(zhǔn)備好大吃一驚。

謝謝。

All right, I want to see a show of hands: how many of you have unfriended someone on Facebook because they said something offensive about politics or religion, childcare, food?

And how many of you know at least one person that you avoid because you just don't want to talk to them?

You know, it used to be that in order to have a polite conversation, we just had to follow the advice of Henry Higgins in "My Fair Lady": Stick to the weather and your health. But these days, with climate change and anti-vaxxing, those subjects --

are not safe either. So this world that we live in, this world in which every conversation has the potential to devolve into an argument, where our politicians can't speak to one another and where even the most trivial of issues have someone fighting both passionately for it and against it, it's not normal. Pew Research did a study of 10,000 American adults, and they found that at this moment, we are more polarized, we are more divided, than we ever have been in history. We're less likely to compromise, which means we're not listening to each other. And we make decisions about where to live, who to marry and even who our friends are going to be, based on what we already believe. Again, that means we're not listening to each other. A conversation requires a balance between talking and listening, and somewhere along the way, we lost that balance.

Now, part of that is due to technology. The smartphones that you all either have in your hands or close enough that you could grab them really quickly. According to Pew Research, about a third of American teenagers send more than a hundred texts a day. And many of them, almost most of them, are more likely to text their friends than they are to talk to them face to face. There's this great piece in The Atlantic. It was written by a high school teacher named Paul Barnwell. And he gave his kids a communication project. He wanted to teach them how to speak on a specific subject without using notes. And he said this: "I came to realize..."

"I came to realize that conversational competence might be the single most overlooked skill we fail to teach. Kids spend hours each day engaging with ideas and each other through screens, but rarely do they have an opportunity to hone their interpersonal communications skills. It might sound like a funny question, but we have to ask ourselves: Is there any 21st-century skill more important than being able to sustain coherent, confident conversation?"

Now, I make my living talking to people: Nobel Prize winners, truck drivers, billionaires, kindergarten teachers, heads of state, plumbers. I talk to people that I like. I talk to people that I don't like. I talk to some people that I disagree with deeply on a personal level. But I still have a great conversation with them. So I'd like to spend the next 10 minutes or so teaching you how to talk and how to listen.

Many of you have already heard a lot of advice on this, things like look the person in the eye, think of interesting topics to discuss in advance, look, nod and smile to show that you're paying attention, repeat back what you just heard or summarize it. So I want you to forget all of that. It is crap.

There is no reason to learn how to show you're paying attention if you are in fact paying attention.

Now, I actually use the exact same skills as a professional interviewer that I do in regular life. So, I'm going to teach you how to interview people, and that's actually going to help you learn how to be better conversationalists. Learn to have a conversation without wasting your time, without getting bored, and, please God, without offending anybody.

We've all had really great conversations. We've had them before. We know what it's like. The kind of conversation where you walk away feeling engaged and inspired, or where you feel like you've made a real connection or you've been perfectly understood. There is no reason why most of your interactions can't be like that.

So I have 10 basic rules. I'm going to walk you through all of them, but honestly, if you just choose one of them and master it, you'll already enjoy better conversations.

Number one: Don't multitask. And I don't mean just set down your cell phone or your tablet or your car keys or whatever is in your hand. I mean, be present. Be in that moment. Don't think about your argument you had with your boss. Don't think about what you're going to have for dinner. If you want to get out of the conversation, get out of the conversation, but don't be half in it and half out of it.

Number two: Don't pontificate. If you want to state your opinion without any opportunity for response or argument or pushback or growth, write a blog.

Now, there's a really good reason why I don't allow pundits on my show: Because they're really boring. If they're conservative, they're going to hate Obama and food stamps and abortion. If they're liberal, they're going to hate big banks and oil corporations and Dick Cheney. Totally predictable. And you don't want to be like that. You need to enter every conversation assuming that you have something to learn. The famed therapist M. Scott Peck said that true listening requires a setting aside of oneself. And sometimes that means setting aside your personal opinion. He said that sensing this acceptance, the speaker will become less and less vulnerable and more and more likely to open up the inner recesses of his or her mind to the listener. Again, assume that you have something to learn.

Bill Nye: "Everyone you will ever meet knows something that you don't." I put it this way: Everybody is an expert in something.

Number three: Use open-ended questions. In this case, take a cue from journalists. Start your questions with who, what, when, where, why or how. If you put in a complicated question, you're going to get a simple answer out. If I ask you, "Were you terrified?" you're going to respond to the most powerful word in that sentence, which is "terrified," and the answer is "Yes, I was" or "No, I wasn't." "Were you angry?" "Yes, I was very angry." Let them describe it. They're the ones that know. Try asking them things like, "What was that like?" "How did that feel?" Because then they might have to stop for a moment and think about it, and you're going to get a much more interesting response.

Number four: Go with the flow. That means thoughts will come into your mind and you need to let them go out of your mind. We've heard interviews often in which a guest is talking for several minutes and then the host comes back in and asks a question which seems like it comes out of nowhere, or it's already been answered. That means the host probably stopped listening two minutes ago because he thought of this really clever question, and he was just bound and determined to say that. And we do the exact same thing. We're sitting there having a conversation with someone, and then we remember that time that we met Hugh Jackman in a coffee shop.

And we stop listening. Stories and ideas are going to come to you. You need to let them come and let them go.

Number five: If you don't know, say that you don't know. Now, people on the radio, especially on NPR, are much more aware that they're going on the record, and so they're more careful about what they claim to be an expert in and what they claim to know for sure. Do that. Err on the side of caution. Talk should not be cheap.

Number six: Don't equate your experience with theirs. If they're talking about having lost a family member, don't start talking about the time you lost a family member. If they're talking about the trouble they're having at work, don't tell them about how much you hate your job. It's not the same. It is never the same. All experiences are individual. And, more importantly, it is not about you. You don't need to take that moment to prove how amazing you are or how much you've suffered. Somebody asked Stephen Hawking once what his IQ was, and he said, "I have no idea. People who brag about their IQs are losers."

Conversations are not a promotional opportunity.

Number seven: Try not to repeat yourself. It's condescending, and it's really boring, and we tend to do it a lot. Especially in work conversations or in conversations with our kids, we have a point to make, so we just keep rephrasing it over and over. Don't do that.

Number eight: Stay out of the weeds. Frankly, people don't care about the years, the names, the dates, all those details that you're struggling to come up with in your mind. They don't care. What they care about is you. They care about what you're like, what you have in common. So forget the details. Leave them out.

Number nine: This is not the last one, but it is the most important one. Listen. I cannot tell you how many really important people have said that listening is perhaps the most, the number one most important skill that you could develop. Buddha said, and I'm paraphrasing, "If your mouth is open, you're not learning." And Calvin Coolidge said, "No man ever listened his way out of a job."

Why do we not listen to each other? Number one, we'd rather talk. When I'm talking, I'm in control. I don't have to hear anything I'm not interested in. I'm the center of attention. I can bolster my own identity. But there's another reason: We get distracted. The average person talks at about 225 word per minute, but we can listen at up to 500 words per minute. So our minds are filling in those other 275 words. And look, I know, it takes effort and energy to actually pay attention to someone, but if you can't do that, you're not in a conversation. You're just two people shouting out barely related sentences in the same place.

You have to listen to one another. Stephen Covey said it very beautifully. He said, "Most of us don't listen with the intent to understand. We listen with the intent to reply."

One more rule, number 10, and it's this one: Be brief.

Be interested in other people.

You know, I grew up with a very famous grandfather, and there was kind of a ritual in my home. People would come over to talk to my grandparents, and after they would leave, my mother would come over to us, and she'd say, "Do you know who that was? She was the runner-up to Miss America. He was the mayor of Sacramento. She won a Pulitzer Prize. He's a Russian ballet dancer." And I kind of grew up assuming everyone has some hidden, amazing thing about them. And honestly, I think it's what makes me a better host. I keep my mouth shut as often as I possibly can, I keep my mind open, and I'm always prepared to be amazed, and I'm never disappointed.

You do the same thing. Go out, talk to people, listen to people, and, most importantly, be prepared to be amazed.

Thanks.