Becoming a Working Dad

Among the transitions people face in their lives, becoming a parent may be the most consequential. The fact that this life change is often expected and joyful does little to reduce the emotional upheaval and personal and professional adjustment required.

在人的一生面臨的各種轉變里，“為人父母”或許是最為影響深遠的。這項變化通常受人期待，且令人喜悅，但也難以減少隨之而來的情緒起伏，以及個人和職業(yè)方面需要做出的調整。

But while the transition that new moms face — everything from?postpartum depression?and career anxiety to a heightened sense of pride and purpose — has been deeply studied by academics and oft discussed in popular culture, the transition that new dads face has been woefully ignored by researchers and reduced to little more than a punchline in popular culture.

不過，新媽媽面臨的轉變——從產后抑郁、事業(yè)焦慮到高度的自豪和意義感等所有的一切——都有相關的深度學術研究，且在流行文化中經常被討論，新爸爸卻被研究者忽視，在流行文化里至多不過一句玩笑帶過。

Yet the two transitions can’t be separated. The impact brought on by massive growth in the number of working moms is inextricably entangled with the impact of having a new culture of engaged dads. As more and more moms have entered the workspace (two-thirds?of mothers with children under six work outside the home; for those with children over six, the number balloons to 77%), more dads have entered the parenting space.

然而，這兩種轉變不能分開討論。上班族媽媽的數量大幅度增長，和建立讓父親承擔育兒責任的新文化，這兩件事的影響密不可分。越來越多的母親進入職場（六歲以下兒童的母親有2/3在外工作，六歲以上兒童的母親在外工作的比例則高達77%），于是有更多的父親進入育兒領域。

Some of this change is by necessity — working moms, by definition, have less time in their day for childcare and increasingly demand that dads step up — but far more of the change is by choice. Dads, it turns out, enjoy being more involved in childrearing. Asked how they view their role in the family, three-quarters of fathers say their role is “both earning money and caring for my child.”

改變在一定程度上是出于必要——上班族媽媽能夠用于育兒的時間必然較少，對父親參與的需求越來越高——但更多的是個人選擇。事實證明，爸爸喜歡參與育兒。被問及如何看待自己在家中的作用，3/4的父親說自己“既賺錢又照顧自己的孩子”。

While this flowering of interest in fatherhood has many upsides for dads, moms, and children alike, it raises a host of complications and awkward adjustments for everyone involved, including employers and managers. And though the research into these questions does not go back decades, it has accelerated in recent years.

父親對育兒熱情高漲，對父母孩子都有很多好處，但也讓涉及的每一個人，包括雇主和管理者，面臨一系列復雜的問題。關于這些問題的研究雖然時日尚淺，但最近幾年已經開始加速。

My own research into life transitions has found that they involve three phases. The first is what I call the “l(fā)ong goodbye,” in which the person going through the transition mourns the life they’re leaving behind. The second is the “messy middle,” in which the person sheds certain habits, mindsets, and lifestyles and begins to create new ones. The third is the “new beginning,” in which the person introduces their new self. These phases parallel nicely with the challenges and opportunities new fathers face.

我對人生轉變的研究發(fā)現，轉變有三個階段。第一個階段叫作“漫長的告別”，進入轉變的人哀嘆自己以往的生活。第二個階段是“混亂的中段”，開始在習慣、思維和生活方式方面去舊換新。第三階段是“新的開始”，新的自我完全形成。這幾個階段與新爸爸面臨的挑戰(zhàn)和機遇非常相似。

Here, based on this growing body of knowledge, are five tips for new dads to make the transition into working fatherhood a process that’s not just life disrupting, but life affirming, too.

根據越來越多的研究成果，以下提供五條建議，協(xié)助新爸爸在這個轉變階段獲得對生命的肯定。

Accept It? /?接受

The first lesson for new dads is not to skip over the changes involved. A phase of life has passed. Instead, accept that becoming a father brings with it a host of emotions. These emotions include not just upbeat ones, like joy, elation, and pride, but also downbeat ones, like fear, anxiety, and helplessness.

新爸爸的第一課是，不要逃避相關的變化。人生的一個階段結束了。接受自己成為父親這一事實，能夠帶來許多情緒，不僅有喜悅、高興和自豪等正面情緒，也有恐懼、焦慮和無助等負面情緒。

Researchers in Australia did a?comprehensive analysis?of more than 500 research papers and found that anxiety disorders in expectant fathers begin in early pregnancy and are widespread across the perinatal period.?These feelings crest around birth, when dads often succumb to?bouts of helplessness and solitude. For men who already have a history of mental health challenges, these changes can be?especially acute.

澳大利亞的研究人員對500多篇論文進行了綜合分析，發(fā)現準爸爸會在伴侶懷孕早期出現焦慮癥狀，在伴侶圍產期普遍焦慮，在孩子出生前后達到最高水平。爸爸們常常感到無助和孤獨。對于有過心理健康問題的男性而言，這類變化可能尤其劇烈。

On top of those emotions at home, dads often feel a sense of concern about falling behind or losing pace at work. Certain routines with colleagues and bosses, from social gatherings to conventions to weekend rounds of golf, may diminish in priority, thereby stoking fears that the responsibilities at home are undermining opportunities at work.

除了在家中的這些情緒，爸爸們還經常擔心自己在工作上落后或減速。與同事和上司的常規(guī)活動如社交聚會、聊天和周末的高爾夫等等，優(yōu)先度可能會下降，因此他們會擔心工作方面的機會被家庭責任影響。

The point is that transitioning to fatherhood is an emotional experience; take time to identify and accept it.

重點在于，成為父親是一種情感體驗，要花時間感受情緒，并予以接受。

Mark It /?標記

So how should working dads cope with these feelings?

那么，爸爸們應當如何應對這些感受？

The answer is to bring the feelings into the open by finding appropriate venues to explore them. My research has found that people use a variety of techniques to respond to the rush of emotions in life transitions: Some write about their feelings; others buckle down and push through. But 80% of people use rituals — public, often shared experiences that indicate to themselves and those around them that they’re going through an emotional time and are preparing for what comes next.

答案是，尋找合適的可以探索這些情感的場所，將之公開化。我的研究發(fā)現，人們用各種方法應對人生轉變時的強烈情感：有些人把自己的感受寫下來，還有人默默挺過去。不過80%的人都需要某種固定程序——公開，通常會分享體驗，向自己和身邊的人表明自己在經歷情緒波動的時期，為接下來的一切做準備。

The same applies to fathers. For those having a hard time adjusting to the sometimes abstract news of impending parenthood, for instance, the first sonogram has been found to be a galvanizing moment. While the new mom experiences the physical transformation, the dad sometimes needs the visual ritual.

新爸爸也是同樣。舉例來說，自己即將為人父母的消息有時感覺很抽象，難以做出相應調整，那么第一次做超聲波掃描就是一個令人激動的時刻。新媽媽會體驗到生理上的轉變，爸爸則需要這種視覺上的確認。

A?host of research?has also shown that for working dads, sharing stories with others in a support group can help.?Even?online groups?work. The reason such encounters are effective is that gathering with peers in safe settings allows new fathers to normalize their concerns and even use humor to exert some control over them. Expressing these feelings has been shown to lead to completeness, maturity, personal growth, and pride.

還有許多研究表明，上班族爸爸與支持團體中的其他人分享經歷會有所幫助。即使是網絡上的支持團體也很有用。原因在于，在安全的環(huán)境下與同伴聚會，令新爸爸感到自己的擔憂是正常的，甚至能夠運用幽默獲得一些對這種擔憂的控制感。研究表明，表達出這些感受，能讓人獲得充實感、變得成熟、實現個人成長，并感到自豪。

The success of such support groups led the Boston College Center for Work & Family to?recommend?that companies start fathers’ affinity groups or offer brown-bag seminars targeted at men as a way to foster acceptance of the dual roles of working dads.

因為這類支持團體效果很好，波士頓學院工作與家庭中心建議企業(yè)成立父親互助會，或者開展面向男性的育兒研討會，協(xié)助上班族爸爸接受自己的雙重角色。

Shed It/擺脫

If the first phase of a life transition is focused on saying goodbye to a past that is not coming back, the second phase, “the messy middle,” is concentrated on settling in and adjusting to the new reality. The first step in that process involves giving up old ways.

人生轉變的第一個階段重點是向無法重回的過去道別，第二階段“混亂的中段”關注的則是適應新的現實并做出相應調整。這個過程的第一步就是放棄舊有方法。

For working dads, this step means freeing yourself from expectations about your own identity, your relationship with your partner, even your job. A comprehensive study by two scholars in Brazil found that fathers in transition must learn to adjust in four key areas: (1) the father with himself; (2) the father with the mother and the baby; (3) the father with their support network; and (4) the father with his work.

對于上班族爸爸而言，這一步意味著讓自己從對自己身份的期望、與伴侶的關系乃至自己的工作中解放出來。巴西兩位學者的綜合研究發(fā)現，處于過渡期的父親必須學習在四個關鍵領域進行調整：一、作為父親的自己；二、父親與母親和孩子；三、父親與他們的支持網絡；四、父親與他們的工作。

The key finding: Fathers must not over-rely on their own fathers as role models, because previous generations of men were less focused on childrearing and balancing work and family. Instead, new fathers must shed these outdated expectations and turn instead to fathers of their own generation who are forging a new set of expectations, habits, and priorities.

重要發(fā)現：父親不能將自己的父親作為模板過度參考，因為上一代男性不甚關注育兒和工作家庭平衡?，F在的新手爸爸必須擺脫過時的期望，關注當代父親的新期望、習慣和事務優(yōu)先順序。

Your role model as a working father is more likely to be a colleague or a friend — seek one out.

作為上班族父親，你參考的典范可以是某位同事或某個朋友——給自己找一個參考。

Create It /?創(chuàng)造

So what does this new generation of dads want?

新一代父親想要的是什么？

The answer to that question may be the most exciting aspect of the working-dad transition. Dads today want a culture, both at home and at work, that embraces hands-on fatherhood. This desire reflects my own research into life transitions, when after saying goodbye to the past and shedding outdated patterns, people in the messy middle turn to astonishing acts of creativity.

這個問題的答案或許是上班族父親的轉變中最令人興奮的地方?，F在的爸爸們想要的是一種家庭和職場都樂于接受父親育兒的文化。我的相關研究表明了這種渴望：告別了過去、擺脫了過時的模式之后，處于混亂的中間階段的人會轉向驚人的創(chuàng)意之舉。

In the case of working dads, that means creating new habits at home, from bonding with your baby to coordinating with your partner about what parts of childcare you’ll take the lead on. It also means creating a new culture at work that embraces working dads. Make no mistake: Most dads enjoy returning to work. Yet research shows that 98% of them fear losing contact with their babies.

體現在上班族爸爸身上，就是在家里培養(yǎng)新的習慣，與新生兒建立聯系，與伴侶協(xié)調分工。還要在職場建立樂于接受上班族爸爸的新文化。毫無疑問，大部分父親樂意回去工作，但研究表明，其中98%的人感到與寶寶失去了聯系。

How new dads avoid that fate is by embracing new schedules and new ways of working.?More than 75%?of dads use flextime when available, 57% work from home at least some of the time (a number that will surely grow as working from home becomes even more prevalent in the wake of the coronavirus pandemic), and 27% use compressed workweeks.

要避免這種情況，新手爸爸要換用新的工作方式和日程安排。75%的父親盡量利用彈性工作制，57%至少部分時間居家辦公（疫情后居家辦公會更普遍，這個數字無疑還會增加），27%選擇壓縮工作周。

If you’re a new dad?and?a manager, take advantage of these programs as a way of helping to normalize and routinize these accommodations and forge a new culture of fatherhood for future generations. As the researchers from Boston College put it: “Offering fathers (and all employees) the time to attend to their personal needs does not offer employees permission to ‘slack off.’ What it does do is permit them to be more focused and energized when they are working.”

如果你是一名管理者，最近當了爸爸，可以利用這類制度輔助育兒，使得這樣的安排常態(tài)化、慣例化，以便未來形成新的父親育兒文化。如波士頓學院的研究者所言，“為父親（以及全體員工）提供用于滿足個人需求的時間，并不是允許員工‘偷懶’，而是讓他們在工作的時候更加集中精力?！?/p>

Tell It /?講述

The final phase of a life transition is the “new beginning”; it’s the one that arrives at a critical time, when the elation of new fatherhood has passed and the reality of being a dad settles in. The most important skill in this stage: updating the story of your life to include the new chapter of fatherhood.

最后一個階段是“新的開始”。初為人父的興奮過去，自己身為父親的事實變得清晰，這時就進入了這個階段。這一階段最重要的是，把新的篇章加進自己的人生故事里。

A life transition is fundamentally a narrative event in which we revisit and update our life story to accommodate a critical change. In this case, becoming a new dad is not just a temporary transition, but a permanent one. And it’s not one that ends after a few months, but gets repeated over and over, as a child enters new phases and brings out new responsibilities, as future children come along and tax routines that were already hard won, as new responsibilities accrue at work and pull fathers away from family milestones, and as growing families require big moves, big purchases, and big challenges.

人生的轉變從根本上來講是一個敘述事件，我們要重新討論和更新自己的人生故事，將某一重要轉變納入其中。成為父親這一轉變不是臨時的，而是永久的。這個過程不會持續(xù)幾個月就結束，而是會反反復復：孩子進入新的階段、帶來新的責任，未來又有孩子出生、讓原本就左支右絀的日常生活更加搖搖欲墜，工作方面新的責任迫使父親疏于家庭事務，大家庭要牽扯的雜事多、要買的東西多、麻煩也很多。

Life transitions are a lifetime sport, and fatherhood just may be the excuse you’ve long needed to start learning how to play it. But once you do, you’ll find that the skills you master are applicable across your life. They can help you turn times that at first seemed overwhelming into times that are filled with affection, wonder, and discovery.

人生轉變是一生的運動，當父親可能就是你開始學習這項運動的契機。一旦開始，你會發(fā)現從中獲得的技能一生都能派上用場，幫助你將看似一團亂麻、毫無章法的時期變得充滿情感、驚奇和新發(fā)現。

關鍵詞：職場

本文摘自“HBR職場父母系列叢書”之《給職場爸爸的建議》

朔間|譯? ? 周強|編校