Managing a Chronic Complainer

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莉薩實在受不了了。她在一家大型零售連鎖企業(yè)工作，每次碰到高管彼得，彼得就會喋喋不休地抱怨自己的工作、政府和生活。聽了彼得的抱怨，她很快就會出現(xiàn)幽閉恐懼癥狀。莉薩想讓彼得從積極的方向想事情，卻無濟于事，他會自己繞回消極面。這樣一直發(fā)牢騷，對包括他自己在內(nèi)的每個人都有負(fù)面影響。

Lisa couldn’t stand it any longer. Every time she met her colleague Peter, one of the senior executives at the large retail chain where they both worked, he would begin an endless lament about his work, the government, and his personal life. After listening to Peter’s moaning, it didn’t take long before she experienced a claustrophobic reaction. It didn’t help that whenever Lisa tried to reframe Peter’s situation more positively, he would revert back to his negativity. Peter’s constant grumbling, whining, and lamenting was toxic for everyone, himself included.

造成的損害

The Damage Done

研究表明，像彼得這樣經(jīng)常抱怨，會造成生理影響。重復(fù)負(fù)面、悲傷、憤怒和無力的感情，會讓大腦中的神經(jīng)遞質(zhì)“改變”，強化負(fù)面思維模式，讓負(fù)面情緒更容易反復(fù)，給感激、欣賞和幸福等積極情緒留下的空間更少。不斷循環(huán)負(fù)面思維，甚至可能會對大腦中用于解決問題和認(rèn)知技能的海馬體造成損害。久而久之，抱怨的人就會對消極情緒上了癮。

Research shows?that chronic complaining like Peter’s has physiological effects. Through the repetition of bad, sad, mad and powerless feelings, the neurotransmitters in the brain can go through a neural “rewiring,” which reinforces negative thought patterns, making it easier for unhappy thoughts to repeat themselves and leaving little room for the more positive feelings of gratitude, appreciation, and well-being. A continuous cycle of negative thoughts may even cause damage to the hippocampus, the part of the brain used for problem solving and cognitive functioning. Over time, complainers become negativity addicts, attracted to the drama that comes with a complaining attitude.

他們還傾向于非黑即白的思維。妥協(xié)不在他們考慮的范圍內(nèi)。彼得這樣經(jīng)常抱怨的人，更容易看到問題而非解決方案，因此很難共事。因為消極，他們很難做出決策和解決問題。況且抱怨還會催生更多能抱怨的事情。

They are also prone to black-and-white thinking. Compromise isn’t part of the equation. No wonder that chronic complainers like Peter are more likely to see problems instead of solutions, making it very difficult to work with them. Given their negativity, it is hard for them to make decisions and solve problems. Ironically, complaining about things creates more things to complain about.

經(jīng)常抱怨的人還會對周圍的人產(chǎn)生負(fù)面影響。在以負(fù)面悲觀的方式進行思考并作出反應(yīng)的時候，人會下意識地將自己的感受轉(zhuǎn)移到他人身上，這種現(xiàn)象在心理學(xué)中叫作“投射性認(rèn)同”。他們就像是把別人當(dāng)作負(fù)面情緒垃圾桶一樣，令對方感到不堪重負(fù)。

Chronic complainers also have a damaging effect on those around them. When people are thinking and reacting in negative and pessimistic ways, without realizing it, they transfer these feelings onto others in a process psychologists call “projective identification.” It is as if they use other people as some kind of garbage can for their negativity, making these others feel weighed down and exhausted.

有趣的是，這種“轉(zhuǎn)移”很可能是源于進化。一些神經(jīng)科學(xué)家表示，人類大腦中的鏡像神經(jīng)元，對于生存至關(guān)重要。作為社會動物，人的大腦會無意識地模仿周圍人的情緒，這一點在遇到危險時是一個優(yōu)勢，也可以產(chǎn)生社會凝聚力。但神經(jīng)鏡像還有不利的一面。抱怨一切的人有傳染性，會讓其他人在不知不覺間也開始抱怨。

Interestingly, it is very likely that this kind of “transfer” is part of our evolutionary makeup. Some neuroscientists have suggested that human beings possess what are called?mirror neurons?in their brain that are important for survival. As social beings, our brains unconsciously mimic the moods of the people around us, which can be an advantage when we are faced with danger. It can also serve as a form of social cohesion. This neuronal mirroring, however, has a flip side. People who complain about everything become contagious and, before we realize it, we turn into complainers ourselves.

為什么抱怨？

Why Complain?

抱怨也有好處。偶爾對一名同事抱怨自己的艱難處境，令我們得以宣泄自己的憂慮，緩解可能的壓力反應(yīng)。壓抑情緒可能會阻礙我們尋找問題本身，因而無法擺脫。人也會為了讓自己感覺好一些而抱怨。比如前面說的彼得，他也許是希望莉薩認(rèn)可自己的處境的確不公平，好建立某種程度上的情感聯(lián)系。

Complaining isn’t all bad.? Occasional venting and expression of negative emotions to a colleague about difficult situations allow us to get our concerns out into the open, and in doing so, lessen possible stress reactions. Repressing our feelings may stop us from naming our problem and getting to the bottom of it. People also complain in order to feel better about themselves. Returning to Peter, perhaps he wanted Lisa’s validation for how unfair or annoying his situation was and to establish some kind of emotional connection.

但抱怨也可能被用作行使權(quán)力、影響認(rèn)知的手段。特別是在充斥政治斗爭的組織內(nèi)部，人們會用抱怨來爭取其他人的支持。從這個角度理解，彼得可能是想拉攏莉薩，讓莉薩跟自己一樣覺得公司里有些人做得不對。

But complaints can also be used as a way to exercise power and influence perceptions. Especially within organizations, which can be hotbeds of political games, people use complaining in order to get people’s support. On this interpretation, Peter might have been trying to recruit Lisa to his point of view concerning what he thought was wrong with some of the people in their organization.

在許多情況下，長期的抱怨始于童年時期，作為一種在家里獲得關(guān)注、營造和睦氛圍的手段。這樣的童年經(jīng)歷可能會形成根深蒂固的行為模式，比如彼得，抱怨可能已經(jīng)成為他身份認(rèn)知的一部分。這可以解釋他為什么不理會他人的正面建議：因為解決他的問題相當(dāng)于消除抱怨的理由，會威脅他的自我認(rèn)同感。

In many cases, chronic complaining starts early in life, as a means of gaining visibility and establishing rapport in the family. These early experiences can become deeply ingrained patterns of behavior, and in Peter’s case, may have become part of his identity.? This would explain why he reacts poorly to advice because resolving his problem would take away the reason to complain, threatening his sense of self.

應(yīng)對經(jīng)常抱怨的人

Managing a Complainer

嘗試幫助這種人往往無濟于事。彼得很可能只會繼續(xù)沉浸在負(fù)面情緒里，不去尋找解決方案。這就是經(jīng)常抱怨的人容易令人氣惱的原因。

Attempts to help chronic complainers often have little or no effect. Most likely, Peter would continue to be absorbed on the downsides of his situation, rather than seek solutions. It’s what makes dealing with these chronic complainers so exasperating.

更好的方法是，首先劃定界限。莉薩應(yīng)當(dāng)告訴彼得，自己可以傾聽和交流，但不會參與重復(fù)的話題。翻來覆去講同一件事情對誰都沒有好處。莉薩應(yīng)該說明，她知道他感覺很糟糕，但他一直抱怨讓組織里每個人都心煩。她要說清楚，每個人都會偶爾抱怨，但大部分人都適可而止，而且抱怨的方式也有好壞之分。如果覺得可以推動切實積極的改變，抱怨就能發(fā)揮作用，而彼得的抱怨方式毫無意義。

It’s better to begin by setting clear boundaries. Lisa should tell Peter that she is prepared to listen and to talk, but not to engage in a repetitive conversation. Going over the same thing over and over again isn’t doing either of them a service. She should tell him that while she recognizes that he feels bad, his constant complaining is upsetting everyone in the organization. She should acknowledge that everyone complains at some point, but also point out that most people do so in moderation and that there is a right and a wrong way to complain. Complaining is useful in situations where he thinks that he could affect real and positive change but to complain the way he does is not constructive.

其次，莉薩要向彼得說明，如果換個角度，感覺會好很多。有針對性地積極行動，會讓他克服消極情緒。有時間對一切糟糕的事情發(fā)牢騷，不如用這個時間采取改進措施。抱怨的目的應(yīng)該是糾正和解決問題，不是贏取別人的同情。

Next, Lisa should make clear to Peter that he would be much better off if he adjusted his perspective. Purposeful complaining — taking a proactive stand — will give him a roadmap to transcend his negativity. After all, if he has the time to whine and complain about all the bad things happening to him, then he should also make the time to do something about it. He should be complaining in order to fix and solve something, not just to win sympathy.

莉薩也可以建議彼得學(xué)習(xí)感恩。想要抱怨的時候就轉(zhuǎn)移注意力，想一想自己遇到的值得感激的事。這樣可以幫助他改善情緒，增加活力，減少焦慮。當(dāng)然，這種行為上的轉(zhuǎn)變需要花費一定的時間，不過在此過程中可以向精神治療師求助，在專業(yè)人士幫助下探索自己容易陷入受害者心理的傾向、一直尋求他人認(rèn)可的原因，以及在想要抱怨時尋找替代反應(yīng)的方法。

Lisa could also suggest that Peter cultivate an attitude of?gratitude. Whenever he feels the urge to complain, he should see this as a red flag to shift his attention from complaining to counting his blessings. In doing so, he might find that his mood improved; he might have more energy and feel less anxious. Of course, creating such a behavior change takes time. But he could get help on the journey from a coach or psychotherapist, who could work with him to explore his tendency to fall into victimhood, why he constantly seeks validation from others, and how to work on alternative responses when he experiences the need to complain.

經(jīng)常抱怨的人表面上似乎無害，但會對身邊的同事和自己產(chǎn)生負(fù)面影響，必須調(diào)整行為。人們總會對他人的負(fù)面情緒感到厭倦。彼得必須意識到，嘎吱作響的輪子并不總是能被上好潤滑油，還有可能被換掉。

While chronic complainers appear to be harmless on the surface, they owe it to their colleagues and themselves to regulate their behavior. Eventually people will tire of the negativity.? ?Peter needs to realize that the squeaky wheel doesn’t always get the grease. It can also be replaced.

曼弗雷德·凱茲·德弗里斯是資深導(dǎo)師、心理分析家和管理學(xué)者，INSEAD領(lǐng)導(dǎo)力發(fā)展和組織變革杰出教授。

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