正文翻譯

Like so many people, I grew up watching the TV show “Friends,” dreaming of the day I would be living a glamorous city life surrounded by a group of close friends. Over the years, I’ve made lots of friends: childhood friends, work friends, college friends, writer friends. I have friends who like to hike, and friends who like to chat over coffee and friends who live far away but whom I talk to a few times a year.

和許多人一樣，我是看著電視劇《老友記》長(zhǎng)大的，夢(mèng)想著有一天我也能和一群親密朋友一起過著迷人光鮮的城市生活。這些年來，我交了很多朋友：兒時(shí)朋友、工作朋友、大學(xué)朋友、作家朋友。我有喜歡遠(yuǎn)足的朋友，有喜歡邊喝咖啡邊聊天的朋友，還有距離很遠(yuǎn)但每年都要聊幾次的朋友。

But close friends? “Friends” level friends? The “I can tell you anything and count on you always” kind of friends? Not so much. A childhood friend and I had a falling-out, never to be repaired. Another close friend moved away.

但親密的朋友？《老友記》里的朋友？那種“我可以告訴你任何事并且可以永遠(yuǎn)信賴你”的朋友？并沒多少。我曾和一位發(fā)小鬧翻，再也沒能和好。還有一位密友搬了家。

In groups of adults, you often hear some form of this complaint: It’s hard to make friends as an adult. And if, for whatever reason, you don’t stay connected to your childhood or college friends, you can end up in your 30s (or 40s, or 50s) knowing a lot of people, but being close to very few of them.

在一群成年人中，你經(jīng)常聽到這樣的抱怨：成年人很難交到朋友。不管出于什么原因，如果你沒能和你在童年或大學(xué)時(shí)的朋友保持聯(lián)系，你可能在30多歲（或40多歲，或50多歲）的時(shí)候認(rèn)識(shí)很多人，能親近的卻很少。

“We are social and communal creatures,” said Serena Chen, a social psychologist and professor of psychology at the University of California, Berkeley. “When we are intimate with another person, we can experience positive mental and physical reactions in our body, mind and heart.”

“我們是社會(huì)性和群體性的動(dòng)物，”加州大學(xué)伯克利分校的社會(huì)心理學(xué)家、心理學(xué)教授賽琳娜·陳說?！爱?dāng)我們與另一個(gè)人關(guān)系親密，就能在身體、思想和心靈中體驗(yàn)到積極的心理和生理反應(yīng)。

What exactly does closeness mean?
If you look to popular culture to understand close friendship, you’ll be left with a few common tropes: the friend who will take a bullet for you; the friend you can call in the middle of the night and they’ll be there for you, no matter the inconvenience; the friend with whom you can share anything.

親密到底意味著什么？
如果你想從流行文化中了解親密的友誼，你會(huì)遇到一些常見的比喻：可以為你擋子彈的朋友；你可以在半夜打電話給他們，不管有什么不便他們也都會(huì)陪伴你的朋友；你可以與之分享任何事的朋友。

True close friendship (unsurprisingly) does not need to be quite as extreme. “A key to close friendship is intimacy, and a big part of intimacy is being able to be fully yourself and be seen and understood by others,” Dr. Chen said. “When people close to us don’t ‘get’ us, it’s undermining to intimacy.”

真正親密的友誼（不出所料）并不需要那么極端。“親密友誼的關(guān)鍵在于親密，而親密的關(guān)鍵在于能夠做完全的自己，并被人看到和理解，”賽琳娜·陳說。“當(dāng)我們親近的人無法‘理解’我們，親密的關(guān)系就會(huì)被破壞?！?/p>

Reciprocation is also a key element to creating intimacy. Dr. Chen explained why all the people you know on Facebook or Instagram don’t necessarily count as close friends: “When we post something on Facebook and people give us affirmation in the way of nice comments or encouragement, that feels good, but it doesn’t necessarily create intimacy because there’s no give and take.” A big part of intimacy is that both people feel they are seen and understood by the other person.

回報(bào)也是創(chuàng)造親密關(guān)系的關(guān)鍵因素。賽琳娜·陳解釋了為什么你在Facebook或Instagram上認(rèn)識(shí)的人不一定能算親密朋友：“當(dāng)我們?cè)贔acebook發(fā)布內(nèi)容，而人們留下了善意評(píng)論或鼓勵(lì)肯定我們，這是讓人感覺很好，但并不一定能建立親密關(guān)系，因?yàn)闆]有你來我往。”親密的一個(gè)重要部分就是雙方都能看到并理解彼此。

“When it comes to friendship, we put quantity over quality, so it becomes a question of how many people will show up to your birthday party,” she said. “The real question is if you can open up and be vulnerable with a few of these folks. Are you willing to tune in emotionally and respond if they reach for you?”

“談到友誼，我們更看重?cái)?shù)量而不是質(zhì)量，所以問題就變成了會(huì)有多少人來參加你的生日派對(duì)，”她說。“但真正的問題在于，你是否能敞開心扉，對(duì)其中一些友人表露你的脆弱。如果他們找你傾訴，你又是否愿意在情緒上配合并做出回應(yīng)？”

5 ways to make your friendships closer
If you want closer friendships, the first step is to decide you’re going to do something about it. “We think about relationships as things that happen to us, but the truth is that we make them happen,” Dr. Johnson said. Getting closer to your existing friends requires making the time and being intentional.
Once you have determined to work on your friendships, here are five techniques to try.
1. Create a foundation of security (hint: Answer that text)
Before we can attempt closeness, we need to have security. Through his research, Dr. Levine has identified the five foundational elements of secure relationships, which he refers to as CARRP.
Consistency (Do these friends drift in and out of my life on a whim?)
Availability (How available are they to spend time together?)
Reliability (Can I count on them if I need something?)
Responsiveness (Do they reply to my emails and texts? Do I hear from them on a consistent basis?)
Predictability (Can I count on them to act in a certain way?)

讓友誼更親密的5種方法
如果你想要更親密的友誼，第一步是決定你要為此做些什么?！拔覀冋J(rèn)為感情是發(fā)生在自己身上的事情，但事實(shí)是，是我們讓它發(fā)生的，”約翰遜說。要想和你現(xiàn)有的朋友走得更近，你需要花時(shí)間和心思。
一旦你下定決心要改善你的友誼，這里有五個(gè)技巧可以試試。
1. 創(chuàng)建安全基礎(chǔ)
在我們嘗試親近之前，我們需要有安全感。通過他的研究，列文博士確定了安全關(guān)系的五個(gè)基本要素，他將其稱為CARRP。
（1）連貫性（這些朋友會(huì)經(jīng)常出現(xiàn)在我的生活中嗎？）
（2）可獲得性（他們能經(jīng)常與我共度時(shí)光嗎？）
（3）可靠性(如果我需要什么，我能指望他們嗎?)
（4）響應(yīng)性(他們會(huì)回復(fù)我的郵件和短信嗎?我是否經(jīng)常收到他們的來信?)
（5）可預(yù)測(cè)性(我能預(yù)測(cè)他們會(huì)以某種方式做事嗎?)

Once these five elements are in place, it can pave the way to a deeper connection. “From an attachment perspective, once we feel safe, we can start being more adventurous and playful, which helps us at work, raising our kids, in every aspect of our lives,” Dr. Levine said.
That doesn’t mean that you have to respond to texts within the hour, but it does mean that you need to create a baseline of responsiveness and availability so your friends feel secure in your friendship. Likewise, if you have friends who are flaky, unresponsive or unreliable, it will serve you to try to see if they can become more CARRP and if not, look to other people for close friendship.
“We often tell ourselves that we shouldn’t care if somebody cancels plans or we can’t count on them, that we should be more laid back and stop being so needy, but that’s the same as fighting against biology,” Dr. Levine said.

一旦這五個(gè)要素都具備了，就可以為更深層次的聯(lián)系鋪平道路?！皬囊缿俚慕嵌葋砜矗坏┪覀兏械桨踩?，我們就可以開始變得更冒險(xiǎn)、更有活力，這在工作、撫養(yǎng)孩子以及生活的各個(gè)方面都對(duì)我們有幫助，”列文博士說。
并不意味著你必須在一小時(shí)內(nèi)回復(fù)朋友短信，但你確實(shí)需要建立一個(gè)對(duì)朋友的響應(yīng)和信賴基準(zhǔn)，這樣你的朋友們才能在你的友誼中感到安全。同樣地，如果你有一些不靠譜、反應(yīng)遲鈍或不可靠的朋友，你可以試著看看他們是否能變得更加CARRP，如果不能，就找其他人做親密的朋友。
列文博士說:“我們經(jīng)常告訴自己，我們不應(yīng)該在意別人是否會(huì)取消計(jì)劃，或者我們不能指望他們，我們應(yīng)該更放松，不那么需要他們，這和接受自己逐漸變老是一樣的?！?/p>

2. Pay close attention
The next step of creating close friendships is to just open your eyes. Humans have a unique ability to read emotions by mimicking subtle facial expressions.
“Intimacy starts with attention and attunement,” Dr. Johnson said. “When you look at somebody with your full attention, your face muscles start to mirror their facial muscles within milliseconds. If you aren’t giving them your full attention, you can miss it completely.”
The next time you’re with a friend who is sharing something about his or her life, Dr. Johnson suggested that you look that person in the face and give your full attention. This will create a psychological sense of connection.

2. 密切關(guān)注
使用眼睛。當(dāng)你的朋友跟你分享他的生活時(shí)，看著他，全心傾聽。這將產(chǎn)生一種心理上的聯(lián)結(jié)感，增進(jìn)你們的感情。
建立親密友誼的下一步就是睜開你的眼睛。人類有一種獨(dú)特的能力，通過微妙的面部表情來解讀情緒。
“親密始于關(guān)注和協(xié)調(diào)，”約翰遜博士說?！爱?dāng)你全神貫注地看著某人時(shí)，你就會(huì)在幾毫秒內(nèi)看到他們的面部肌肉活動(dòng)。如果你沒有給予他們充分的關(guān)注，你就會(huì)完全錯(cuò)過這些細(xì)節(jié)?！?br>下一次，當(dāng)你和朋友談?wù)撍蛩纳顣r(shí)，約翰遜博士建議你看著對(duì)方的臉，全神貫注。這將創(chuàng)造一種心理上的聯(lián)系感。

3. Let yourself be known
If you want to be seen for who you are, you have to be willing to stop pretending to be somebody cooler or smarter than you are. Admit that you binge watch “Honey Boo-Boo,” are jealous of other people’s accomplishments or don’t always brush your teeth before bed. Make that goofy joke. Share that less-than-flattering detail.
In his 40s, Mr. Miller said, he had a successful career as an author and public speaker and an audience that adored him, but lived without true intimacy in his life. Determined to connect with others, he learned that the only way to get the intimacy he was searching for was to start being more honest about who he was.
Helping people understand and accept you may sound intimidating, but getting started is easier than you think. Dr. Levine suggests that the next time you’re with a friend, start diverting the conversation into exposing more vulnerability. When your friend responds in a way that feels supportive, give positive feedback by saying how helpful that was, or what a good perspective your friend has on your situation.

3. 讓自己被了解
如果想讓別人認(rèn)識(shí)到真正的自己，你必須停止假裝自己是一個(gè)更酷的人，或更聰明的人。承認(rèn)自己也會(huì)嫉妒他人；并不是每天睡覺前都會(huì)刷牙；開個(gè)愚蠢的笑話；分享那些不討人喜歡的細(xì)節(jié)。只有你充分理解和接受你自己，才有可能讓別人也來理解并接受你。獲得親密關(guān)系的唯一方法就是，更誠(chéng)實(shí)地面對(duì)自己。
米勒說，他40多歲的時(shí)候，作為一名作家和演說家，事業(yè)很成功，有很多人崇拜他，但他的生活中沒有真正的親密感。下定決心與他人建立聯(lián)系的他發(fā)現(xiàn)，獲得他一直在尋找的親密關(guān)系的唯一途徑是開始更加誠(chéng)實(shí)地認(rèn)識(shí)自己。
幫助別人理解和接受你可能聽起來有點(diǎn)嚇人，但是開始做起來比你想象的要容易。列文博士建議，下次你和朋友在一起時(shí)，試著展示自己脆弱的一面。當(dāng)你的朋友回應(yīng)你支持你時(shí)，要給予積極的反饋，說朋友對(duì)你的支持有多大，或者你的朋友對(duì)你的建議很好很有幫助等等。

4. Take your friends on a test drive
Most of us would consider a close friend somebody we could call in a pinch. But if you, like me, have a romantic partner or live close to family, you might rarely find yourself in a pinch that requires a friend. I recently had to undergo a minor medical procedure and my husband wasn’t able to go with me. “Why don’t you call one of your friends?” he asked me the night before, naming a couple of friends who might be available. I didn’t have a good answer. Sure, these were pretty good friends, but were we medical-procedure close?
When I posed this situation to Dr. Levine, his suggestion was simple: Take them for a test drive. “Ask for help even when you don’t need it so that when you truly need them, you’ll feel more comfortable reaching out and you’ll have a better sense of how they will respond.”
He suggested that the next time I had an issue — a tricky work situation or I needed help coordinating a birthday dinner — I should go out of my way to lean on a friend. Not only is this a low-risk way of testing how reliable a friend is, it also builds closeness. “When we give someone a chance to show up for us, we pose an opportunity for greater bonding and closeness,” Dr. Levine said.

4. 給你的朋友一個(gè)小測(cè)試
我們大多數(shù)人都認(rèn)為親密的朋友是在緊急情況下可以求助的人。但是，如果你像我一樣有戀人或者住得離家人很近，你可能很少會(huì)發(fā)現(xiàn)自己處于需要朋友的困境。我最近得去醫(yī)院做個(gè)檢查，但我的丈夫無法和我一起去。
我丈夫問我“你為什么不打電話給你的朋友呢?”，并說出了幾個(gè)可能有空的朋友的名字。我想來想去覺得都不合適。當(dāng)然，他們是很好的朋友，但我們真的足夠親密嗎?
當(dāng)我把這種情況告訴列文博士時(shí)，他的建議很簡(jiǎn)單:讓他們幫你開車。即使你并不需要幫助，也要尋求幫助。這樣，當(dāng)你真正需要幫助的時(shí)候，你向他們伸出援手會(huì)感覺更舒服，也會(huì)更清楚他們會(huì)如何回應(yīng)?！?br>不要等到有大的困難時(shí)才想到朋友。下次，當(dāng)你有小事需要幫忙（一個(gè)工作上棘手的難題，或需要人來協(xié)助一次生日晚餐）時(shí)，可以借此測(cè)試朋友的可靠度。這種測(cè)試的風(fēng)險(xiǎn)很低，同時(shí)也能幫助你們進(jìn)一步建立親密的關(guān)系。

5. Accept that closeness isn’t one-size-fits-all
I asked the same question of everyone I interviewed for this article: How much closeness do we need? Each person gave a different answer, each of which boiled down to this: It’s not that simple.
Dr. Chen said that it varied from person to person; some of us need dozens of connections, some of us need only two or three connections, but we all need some closeness to others. Dr. Johnson emphasized that building intimate connection in our love relationships is even more essential than building it in our friendships.
What all of the experts agreed on was this: Intimacy with other people — whether it’s a spouse, a family member or a friend — is one of the most profound ways to be happier, healthier and calmer. As Dr. Levine said, “It’s so potent that it will work much better than any Xanax out there.”

5. 記?。河H密關(guān)系因人而異
為了寫這篇文章，我問了我采訪過的每個(gè)人同樣的問題:在生活中我們需要多大程度的親密關(guān)系?
每個(gè)人都給出了不同的答案，每個(gè)答案都可以歸結(jié)為:很難用幾句話簡(jiǎn)單概括。
陳博士說，這因人而異;有些人需要很深的親密關(guān)系，有些人只需要維持兩到三個(gè)簡(jiǎn)單朋友關(guān)系就足夠了，但我們都需要與他人親近。約翰遜博士強(qiáng)調(diào)，在愛情關(guān)系中建立親密關(guān)系比在友誼中建立親密關(guān)系更為重要。
不同的人對(duì)于親密關(guān)系的渴求程度不同。但專家們一致認(rèn)為：與他人建立親密關(guān)系能夠讓我們更快樂、更健康，更平靜。

評(píng)論翻譯

CambriaKilgannonn
I've got one really good friend where I live now, and if one of us is eating well, the other is eating well. We've both been through financial ups and downs lately, and always had eachothers backs with things. I had a pretty crappy family growing up, and this person is closer to me than anybody back home. Makes life seem a lot less scary when you've got people you can count on in a pinch.

我現(xiàn)在住的地方有一個(gè)很好的朋友，如果我們中的一個(gè)手頭寬裕些，另一個(gè)也會(huì)跟著吃些好的。我們倆都經(jīng)歷過手頭緊的日子，但總是互相支持。我成長(zhǎng)的家庭環(huán)境很糟糕，這個(gè)朋友比我的家人還要親近些。當(dāng)你在緊要關(guān)頭有了可以幫忙的人時(shí)，生活就不那么可怕了。

magicalyetis
I run into the same problem. I really really hate talking on the phone and avoid it unless absolutely necessary. One of my closest friends texts me every so often asking if we can call and I used to drop everything thinking it was an emergency. However, the things she wants to talk about typically range from her dog did something super cute to she saw her ex and is now having a panic attack in the middle of the mall.

我遇到了同樣的問題。我真的真的很討厭打電話，除非絕對(duì)必要，否則我會(huì)盡量避免給別人打電話。我一個(gè)最親密的朋友經(jīng)常給我發(fā)短信，問是否可以給我打電話，我以為出了什么事。然而，她只是想聊天，說她的狗做了哪些超級(jí)可愛的事情，她看到了她的前男友，以及她在商場(chǎng)里恐慌癥發(fā)作。

oscarfacegamble
I avoid calls because they vlgove me anxiety so I'm really only comfortable if it's a) my girlfriend, mother or other close family, or b) set up ahead of time and I know exactly why.
Also as someone who has terrible memory, I prefer texting over calls because then I can reference the previous conversation

我一般不接電話，因?yàn)殡娫挄?huì)讓我感到焦慮，所以我只有在以下情況下才會(huì)接電話:1)我的女朋友、媽媽或其他家人打的電話;2)提前安排好的電話預(yù)約，我知道打電話的原因。
另外，作為一個(gè)記性很差的人，我更喜歡發(fā)短信而不是打電話，因?yàn)檫@樣我就可以參考之前的歷史記錄思考如何對(duì)話。

probablyabnormal
We always tell each other the truth, even if it’s uncomfortable

我和朋友總是互相說實(shí)話，即使實(shí)話總是令人不舒服。

dlordjr
Just because we haven't called each other in 28 years doesn't mean you're not still my best frie

我們雖然28年沒聯(lián)系但不代表你不再是我最好的朋友了。

nuck_forte_dame
True bros are like this. Don't talk for years but pick right back up

真正的朋友就是這樣的。即使多年不說話，但見面時(shí)依然是朋友。

harpejjist
I treat my poor friends when we go out to eat. It is never discussed. But I know they can't afford it and I can. BUT when I need a hand with something physical like moving house or some assistance that doesn't cost money, I don't even have to ask. It happens. Again, never spoken. We just help each other in ways we are best able to.

出去吃飯時(shí)基本都是我掏錢。我們從來沒有被討論過這些問題。我知道他們負(fù)擔(dān)不起，而我可以。但當(dāng)我需要幫忙搬東西之類的體力活，或者其他一些不需要花錢的幫助時(shí)，我甚至都不用開口請(qǐng)求，朋友們也會(huì)來幫助我。我們之間有默契，從來不需要開口。我們只是用我們力所能及的方式互相幫助。

HolyCrappolla123
I have a group of friends that are all followers of X religion. I am not and never will be. So I’m always cordial when they talk about it, but we never bash each other about our religious beliefs. Otherwise our core values are fairly similar and we help each other out whenever we can

我的一些朋友都有宗教信仰。我現(xiàn)在沒有，以后也不會(huì)有。所以每當(dāng)他們談?wù)撟诮虝r(shí)，我也總是很熱情地參與討論，但我們從不抨擊對(duì)方的宗教信仰。除此之外，我們的核心價(jià)值觀非常相似，只要需要，我們都會(huì)互相幫助。