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1.本文改編自真實(shí)事件，但人物性格、形象等均經(jīng)過藝術(shù)加工，請勿當(dāng)做資料引用。

2.文中第一人稱原型現(xiàn)供職于美國一家航空公司，執(zhí)飛機(jī)型仍為737系列，且不愿重提此事。請大家務(wù)必不要將此文搬運(yùn)到其他平臺，更不要在外網(wǎng)提及此文。

3.筆者英語僅為高考水平，歡迎大家指正文中可能含有的拼寫/語法等錯(cuò)誤。

4.筆者自覺遵守國家法律法規(guī)，呼吁讀者樹立正確人生觀，敬畏生命，遵紀(jì)守法。

Sane

Growing mentally but stressing me out ‘til I drop over the top.

--My Stress

My past life has vanished in silence. It’s like you were sure that you were in mourning but one day you suddenly found that the grief just disappeared.

The following is the last thing I want to recall, it always reminds my of insecurity and uncertainty. It all started from my first cooperation with Cpt.Tsu Way Ming in March 1997. Back then I was an First Officer in SilkAir in Singapore who is not that skilled in piloting my little Boeing 737-300 and Cpt.Tsu was absolutely a well-known figure, believed to be a real professional, known as courageous but kinda weird.

One look and I immediately felt something wrong with him. He?has?a?piercing?gaze?like a kid growing up all alone and highly alerted. I was sure that he had noticed me from the very beginning but seemed to deliberately avoid any eye contact with me. So I kept my mouth shut until it was the time he had to make small talks with me. He spoke fluent English but his accent sound strange. We didn’t talk too much because I felt really nervous talking with him. He served in the RSAF for 18 years and finally became a Top Gun and he really stood out in Singapore Airlines but...there were several times he seemed to be completely lost in thought. At first I gently reminded him but he made no response. So I started to speak up which sound really rude. I don’t know whether I offended him til today cause what he did later drove us to a living hell.

The plane was too high as it approached the airport, and Cpt.Tsu tried to lose elevation?quickly by making sharp S-turns?which is not applicable to a Boeing 737. I was almost scared to death and not able to utter a single word. All I remember was quick rolls, back and forth, left and right, very disturbing. But he failed and was forced to go around. On the landing, he said to me that he would later file a report for this disaster but he never did.

Then I asked for a leave and stayed at home for 3 days. I was totally scared not only because of this botched landing but also the message he conveyed to me. I thought I was the first one in the company who realized he was likely to go insane. What I had learned from another New Zealander, Duncan Maurice Ward, was that he had drifted through his life with the advantage of wealth and talent so I couldn’t think of any possible reason for his action but sickness of pride. Nevertheless, when I went to a grocery store in another block, I saw a middle-aged man buried himself in half prized goods in the corner. Somehow I went up to him for a greet. He raised his head, seemingly puzzled, and I simply ran away. I’m sure he was Tsu, suffering from some hardship that no one knew. The next morning I went back to work and astonished to find that the whole company was gossiping about the reason for his absence. In the afternoon Tsu showed up to become the only pilot wearing long sleeve shirt and greet everyone with a big exaggerated warm smile.

?In late June 1997, Tsu and I?were teamed up for the first time since?that?incident.?The wind was howling, which is rare in Singapore, and I saw him stood still at the tarmac speaking to nothing. I went to the flight deck as fast as I could and prayed. I hoped that nothing had really happened and he was just on the phone with headphones. Nevertheless he went into the cockpit in no time.

“Sir, are you intoxicated or...I mean, you look pale.”?I was a little bit worried. 3 months ago he was disturbed and that nearly caused a disaster.

“No, no.”He cracked a smile, “I was asked to drink tea by those top leaders- son of bitch. You know what I mean. You know what ‘drink tea’?means in Chinese.”

“I speak poor Chinese, sir.”

“They talk to me now and then, you know, always with a drink or something, and panic me into apologizing publicly. They say we had nearly CRASHED! — That’s all because of me, right? And you are the one who reminds both colleagues and passengers to stay away from me. You are the REAL superhero.”

From his expressions and tone, which varied really fast, I couldn’t tell if he got mad at me or merely complain. This made me awkward. The conversation ended up in silence and we began to do the checklists and procedures.

“Sir, it may sounds cliche but... I have to assure to you that I wasn’t the source of rumors that we nearly crashed.”?Finally I plucked up the courage and decided to relieve him from suspicions. At that time we were taxiing to the runway in preparation for takeoff.

“You swear you never said so?”?On hearing my words he immediately removed his hands from the control column and throttle, looked at me with a fixed gaze.

“I swear.”

“You swear on your life?”

“I swear on my life.”

Then to my astonishment he reached behind his seat and switched off the cockpit voice recorder.

“I wanna preserve it as the strongest evidence.”?He said.

That was something I had never seen in my life before. I refused to fly without the CVR and promised I would repeat my comments later but he was film. In a moment I even thought one of us would completely lose control and we would start to fight in the cockpit.

But he just surrendered.

“Alright. Why don’t we go back to the gate and remove the tape?”

He picked up his mic and started speaking to tower formally and politely. He described the incident as a “mechanical failure with circuit breaker”. We won the permission and before the taxiing he explained to the cabin politely and formally. The moment I breathed a sigh of relief, he burst into demented?laughter. He didn’t laugh constantly or anything like usual, he tossed?back?his?head?in hysterics from time to time.

My brain was scattered.

He went insane, at least at that time. But he recovered from madness quickly and whispered that he didn’t want the tape that badly. He turned the recorder back on and claimed he had fixed the problem.

That was, again, something I had never seen in my life before.

The aftermath of this incident was that he was demoted from his newly won Line Instructor Pilot(LIP) position. Duncan told me Tsu was seriously affected by “the great depression”?and I thought he was just kidding. He do like to use the historical events to make our conversation appear more comical but that couldn’t be the reason I ignore the problems Tsu was facing at that time.

Half a year later Tsu’s plane was caught up in a deep dive. The brand new Boeing suddenly plunged into the muddy Musi river when cruising in the clear sky. It took the lives of all 104 people on board including Tsu and Duncan. No one is sure of the truth even til today because the CVR and FDR were shut down shortly before the dive. But NTSB pointed out it was possibly a m/u/r/d/e/r-su/ic/id/e carried out by Tsu. He had plunged $1,700,000 into the red before the crash and that may be the reason he did so, NTSB said.

But I suspect it.

Soon after, I left SilkAir and Singapore forever. Whenever people ask me about this, I describe my complex feeling as a kind of “insecurity”.

A few pilots, including me, had told the company Tsu was dangerous and may not be suitable to fly. It is when his background was made public that I realized the words like “dangerous”?was a provocation or even a praise to him.

I can never have a deeper insight of him but I can’t erase him from my heart. There was always a heavy blue in his eyes. He is a warning sign. To me. He reminds me of the fact that I may go insane no matter how fine I am or how hard I try, over and over again.