TED演講者：Robert Waldinger / 羅伯特·瓦爾丁格

演講標(biāo)題：The secret to a happy life -- lessons from 8 decades of research / 快樂人生揭秘——跨時八十年研究分享

內(nèi)容概要：The happiest and healthiest people are those who have warm connections with others, says psychiatrist Robert Waldinger, who leads the Harvard Study of Adult Development -- one of the longest-running studies of adult life ever conducted. Exploring the crucial link between social bonds and quality of life, he shares wisdom and insights into how to identify and strengthen the relationships that impact your well-being most. When it comes to the people in your inner circle, "Turn toward the voices that make you feel more open and more inclusive," he says.

精神科專家羅伯特·瓦爾丁格認(rèn)為，最快樂和最健康的人，和他人都具有熱絡(luò)的人際關(guān)系。羅伯特是哈佛成人發(fā)展研究的負(fù)責(zé)人，這是史上有關(guān)成人跨時最久的研究。他探索社交關(guān)系與生活質(zhì)量之間的重要聯(lián)系，與我們分享他的智慧和見解，告訴我們?nèi)绾稳フ业讲⒓訌娔切┳钅苡绊懳覀冃腋？鞓返娜穗H關(guān)系。當(dāng)談到組建自己的核心社交圈時，羅伯特表示：“去聽取那些讓你更開放包容的聲音?！?/p>

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【1】Hello, everybody, I am delighted to be here and grateful to all of you for joining us for this discussion.

大家好, 很開心能在這里宣講 也對各位表示感謝 感謝你們參與此次討論。

【2】In 2015, I gave a TEDx Talk in a little elementary school auditorium, and much to my surprise, the talk became one of the 10 most-viewed talks in the history of TED.

在2015年, 我曾在一個小學(xué)禮堂 做過一次TEDx的演講, 讓我驚喜的是 這場演講成為了TED歷史上 瀏覽量最高的十次演講之一。

【3】And in that talk, I conveyed one simple scientific finding.

在那次演講中, 我講述了一個簡單的科學(xué)發(fā)現(xiàn)。

【4】The finding that when we study hundreds of people over their entire adult lives, the people who turn out to be the happiest and the healthiest are those who have good, warm connections to others.

這次發(fā)現(xiàn)的研究對象有數(shù)百人 我們對他們整個成年后 的人生進行了研究。 發(fā)現(xiàn)最后最快樂, 最健康的那些人 往往和其他人有著良好 且熱絡(luò)的人際關(guān)系。

【5】So today, I want to take you deeper into this whole subject, by exploring how relationships matter in our lives, how they affect our health, what kinds of relationships give us this big benefit in happiness, and which tools you can start using today to make your relationship stronger.

所以今天,我想帶你們 更深層次地探討這個話題 我們會探討人際關(guān)系 在我們生活中有多重要 他們?nèi)绾斡绊懳覀兊慕】?哪種人際關(guān)系能讓我們 從快樂中受益 以及現(xiàn)在你能通過哪些方式 讓你的人際關(guān)系更牢固

【6】So I do direct this Harvard Study of Adult Development.

我是哈佛成人發(fā)展研究的負(fù)責(zé)人

【7】It's, as far as we know, the longest study of the same people that's ever been done, following people since 1938.

此項研究從1938年起 就對同一批人進行追蹤研究 這是有史以來對同一人群進行 的時間最長的研究,

【8】From adolescence all the way through old age, and now following all of their children, thousands of lives.

從他們還是青年開始, 我們一直追蹤研究到他們年邁 現(xiàn)在還在繼續(xù)追蹤研究他們的子女 這期間有數(shù)以千計的研究對象

【9】And we began to find, about 30 years ago, this startling connection between warm relationships and how good our lives feel to us, our well-being, and also the fact that warm relationships seemed to keep people

而大約在三十年前 我們也開始發(fā)現(xiàn) 熱絡(luò)的人際關(guān)系 和自己生活的美好程度 也就是和自己的 健康幸福,自己的福祉 有著驚人的關(guān)聯(lián) 同時我們也發(fā)現(xiàn)一個事實 那就是當(dāng)人們變老時

【10】both physically stronger and kept their brains sharper as they grew older.

熱絡(luò)的人際關(guān)系似乎不僅 能讓他們身體更加強壯 還能讓大腦更敏銳

【11】And we didn't believe the data at first.

起初我們還不相信這個數(shù)據(jù)

【12】We thought, how could this be that relationships actually get into our bodies and shape our health?

我們當(dāng)時認(rèn)為 人際關(guān)系怎么可能影響我們的身體 左右我們的健康呢

【13】But then other studies began to find the same thing.

不過之后其他研究 也得出了同樣的結(jié)論

【14】We found that people had less depression, they were less likely to get diabetes and heart disease, that they recovered faster from illness when they had better connections with other people.

我們發(fā)現(xiàn)當(dāng)人們和他人 有較好的人際關(guān)系時 他們患抑郁癥的概率更低 他們更不易患糖尿病以及心臟病 并且他們?nèi)乃俣纫矔?/p>

【15】So then the question is: How could this work?

所以現(xiàn)在問題是:這是怎樣做到的

【16】How do relationships shape our happiness and our physical health?

人際關(guān)系是如何影響我們 的快樂程度以及身體健康的呢

【17】Well, one of the best theories, for which there's now some pretty good evidence, is based on the idea of stress.

在最能解釋這一現(xiàn)象的理論中 有一條具備了有力的證據(jù)支撐 而這一條理論正是基于對壓力的理解

【18】That, as we know, stress is an inevitable part of all of our lives.

我們都知道我們的 人生不可避免壓力的產(chǎn)生

【19】Stress happens to us every day.

每天我們都會感到壓力

【20】And what we find is that good relationships turn out to be stress regulators.

而我們的研究發(fā)現(xiàn) 良好的人際關(guān)系最后能管控壓力

【21】So let me give you an example.

讓我來給你舉個例子

【22】Let's say that I have something upsetting happen to me during the day, and I find myself, like, ruminating about it and really thinking about it and unhappy.

比方說有一天 發(fā)生了一件很不愉快的事情 然后我發(fā)現(xiàn)自己會一個人不斷地回想 去思考這件事 然后發(fā)現(xiàn)自己也變得不愉快

【23】I can feel my body go into what we call fight or flight response where literally my heart rate goes up and I might start sweating a little bit and I'm just not feeling as well.

我就會發(fā)現(xiàn)自己 的身體進入了戰(zhàn)逃反應(yīng) 這種情況下我的心率將上升 我也可能會開始稍稍流汗 總之就是自己感覺不太好

【24】Now, what we're meant to do is to come back to equilibrium when a stressor goes away.

現(xiàn)在,我們必須做的就是 在壓力因素消散之后 讓自己的情緒回到平靜的狀態(tài)

【25】That's the way the body is supposed to work.

我們的身體理應(yīng)如此運轉(zhuǎn)

【26】But what happens if I go home at the end of my upsetting day and I have somebody to talk to?

但如果在這不愉快的一天里我回到 家后我能找到一個人傾訴 那又會發(fā)生什么呢

【27】Either I can call someone on the phone or it's somebody I live with.

這個人可以在我電話的那頭 也可以是和我同居的人

【28】I can literally feel my body calm down.

我能實實在在感受到我 的身體在恢復(fù)平靜

【29】I can feel that fight or flight response subside.

我能感受到這種戰(zhàn)逃反應(yīng)的消失

【30】But what if I don't have anybody to go home to?

但如果沒有人能在家里聽我傾訴呢

【31】What if there's nobody I can call?

如果沒有人能在電話那頭聽我傾訴呢

【32】What we find is that people who are isolated, are lonely, don't have those stress regulators that we get from good relationships and that we stay in chronic fight or flight mode, that our bodies have this chronic stress, chronic levels of inflammation

而我們的結(jié)果發(fā)現(xiàn)如果我們 不與人交往,生活得很孤單 我們就不能讓健康的人際關(guān)系 來幫助我們管控這些壓力 我們會長期處于戰(zhàn)逃反應(yīng) 我們的身體也會長期 處在這種壓力之下 會長期處在發(fā)炎的水平

【33】and circulating stress hormones that wear away our happiness and break down different body systems.

并且壓力激素還會在體內(nèi)循環(huán) 降低人們的幸福感 損害不同的身體系統(tǒng)

【34】Well, what kinds of relationships seem essential to well-being?

那么哪種人際關(guān)系 對我們的幸福健康起重要作用呢

【35】And this is interesting.

這個問題也十分有趣

【36】We asked people who were our original participants in our study.

對本項目最早的一批參與者 我們進行了詢問

【37】We asked them, Who could you call in the middle of the night if you were sick or scared?

我們問道 在午夜,當(dāng)你生病 或者你感到害怕的時候,

【38】And many of our people could list several other people they could call if they were in trouble.

很多參與者都列出好幾個人 表示自己如果遇到麻煩 可以給他們打電話

【39】Some people couldn't list anyone.

但是有些人卻表示

【40】There wasn't a person on the planet who they could turn to if they were sick or scared.

就算他們生病或者感到害怕 他們也找不到一個人打電話的人

【41】And what we find is that having at least one person in your life who you feel really has your back, who you could go to if you were in trouble, that's essential for maintaining our happiness and our health.

結(jié)果表明,一個人在一生中 至少要有一個人在背后挺你 或者在你陷入麻煩事能幫助你 這對維持我們的健康幸福非常重要

【42】When we asked these same people, when they got to be in their 80s, to look back on their lives and to tell us what they were proudest of, almost everybody said something about their relationships.

我們還問了這同一批人 八十多歲之后 回望人生 你們最驕傲的是什么呢 幾乎所有人的答案 都和他們的人際關(guān)系有關(guān)

【43】They didn't say, "I made a lot of money"

他們沒有說:“我掙了好多好多錢”

【44】or "I won some big awards."

或者是“我得了哪些大獎”

【45】They said, "I was a good mentor,"

他們只是回答道 “我是個好導(dǎo)師”

【46】'"I was a good friend,"

“我是個好朋友”

【47】'"I raised healthy kids,"

“我把我的孩子養(yǎng)的很健康”

【48】'"I was a good partner."

“我是個好伴侶”

【49】And so what we find is that what seems to mean the most to people when they get to the end of their lives is the strength and the warmth of their connections to others.

我們發(fā)現(xiàn) 當(dāng)人們走到生命盡頭處 對他們而言最重要的 是不同人際關(guān)系帶來的力量和溫暖

【50】So then the question comes up, well, which types of relationships support our well-being?

那么現(xiàn)在問題來了 哪一種人際關(guān)系對我們 的健康幸福有好處呢

【51】Some people have asked, "Do I need to be in an intimate relationship to get this benefit?"

有些人也問過 “要有親密關(guān)系才能從中獲益嗎”

【52】Absolutely not.

當(dāng)然不是

【53】All types of relationships support our well-being.

所有人際交往都對我們 的健康幸福有好處

【54】So friendships, relatives, work colleagues, casual contacts.

不論是你的朋友親戚 還是你的同事或是日常的一些接觸

【55】The person who gets you your coffee every morning at Starbucks or Dunkin' Donuts, the person who checks you out in the grocery store, who you see maybe every week.

比如每天早上 在星巴克或面包店里 給你做咖啡的咖啡師 雜貨店里的結(jié)賬的收銀員 這些你似乎每周都能碰見的人

【56】Even talking to strangers has that benefit.

甚至是和陌生人談話也對你有好處

【57】So they did an experiment where they assigned some people who were about to go on the subway the task of talking to a stranger while other people were assigned the task

所以他們做了一個實驗 派了一批人去乘坐地鐵 一部分人的任務(wù)是和陌生人講話 另一部分人的任務(wù)就是隨便做點什么

【58】of just doing their usual thing of being on their phones or listening to music or reading.

隨便玩玩手機 聽聽音樂或是看看書

【59】It turned out that the people who were assigned to talk to strangers didn't think they were going to like it, but they turned out to be much happier at the end of the task than the people who just rode the subway keeping to themselves.

結(jié)果發(fā)現(xiàn),和陌生人講話的那批人 起初雖并未料到他們會享受這些交談 但是和那批只是坐在地鐵上 獨來獨往的人相比 他們在任務(wù)的最后要表現(xiàn)得更加快樂

【60】So even talking to strangers gives us that little hit of well-being from relationships.

所以就算和陌生人聊天 也能給我們一絲幸福感 這正是從人際關(guān)系中受益

【61】So the question comes up: How can we strengthen our connections with other people?

那么現(xiàn)在的問題是 我們?nèi)绾稳ピ鰪娢覀兊娜穗H關(guān)系呢

【62】And this is where we've come to think about it as a kind of social fitness.

我們認(rèn)為這一問題的解決方案 需要一種“社交健身”

【63】If we think about physical fitness, you know, we we think, OK, I'll go to the gym, I'll work out, I'll take a long walk,

當(dāng)我們談到身體健身時 我們往往都會想說我去健身房 我要做做健身運動,慢跑一段

【64】I'll do something to keep myself strong and fit.

我要讓自己的身體 保持健康,保持強壯

【65】But then we come home and we don't say, I'm done, I don't ever have to do that again.

但在我們回到家后我們不會說 “今天練完了” “我再也不會去健身房鍛煉了”

【66】We have the sense that physical fitness is a practice that we need to maintain over time.

我們知道,身體上的健身 需要我們一直堅持下去

【67】It turns out that social fitness is the same.

而我們的結(jié)果也發(fā)現(xiàn),社交健身同理

【68】That in fact, our friendships, our relationships don't just take care of themselves, that even good relationships need tending to, they need attention.

事實證明 我們的友誼和人際關(guān)系 不會自己照顧自己 甚至好的人際關(guān)系也需要照料 需要關(guān)注

【69】They need returning to them over and over again.

需要不斷地再去經(jīng)營

【70】So what are some ways that we can strengthen our relationships?

哪些方法也能夠增進 我們的人際關(guān)系呢

【71】Well, one way is to be proactive, to take the initiative.

一種方法就是積極一點,主動一點

【72】So to reach out to a friend and ask her to take a walk instead of spending two more hours on your laptop this weekend on Saturday afternoon.

主動聯(lián)系一下你的朋友吧 叫她出來陪你散散步 而不是在這個星期六的下午 又玩兩個小時電腦

【73】Establish some routines with the people who are most important to you.

去和那些對你很重要的人 建立一些固定的關(guān)系

【74】A regular phone call or a coffee every Saturday with someone you really want to be sure you see regularly.

比如常給別人打個電活 或者每周六和你想常見 的人出來喝杯咖啡

【75】Or meeting somebody at the gym.

也可以和某人約好去健身房

【76】Or having lunch with a coworker.

或者和同事一起吃午餐

【77】The other thing we can do is liven up those long-standing relationships, particularly like the people we live with.

而對那些認(rèn)識很久的人 尤其是與那些同居的人

【78】You know, people we can come to take for granted, by proposing to do something new.

因為和這些人的相處我們都習(xí)以為常 所以我們可以提議做一些新鮮事

【79】Going out on a date, just taking a walk, if that's not your usual routine.

出去約個會 如果平時不常散步 的話也可以出去走走

【80】The other thing that we know works to help people, particularly who aren't as connected to others as they want to be, is to connect around shared interests.

還有一個有幫助的方法 尤其能幫到那些交往不如意的人 那就是找到和他人的共同興趣

【81】So volunteer in the community to do something that you care about.

比如在社區(qū)做志愿者 去做那些你在意,感興趣的事情

【82】It might be a gardening club, it might be a bowling league, it might be a political cause.

可以加入園藝小組 也可以加入保齡球隊 甚至還可以參與政治相關(guān)的活動

【83】But to do something that you care about because then you're with other people who care about the same thing, and that's a natural place to start conversations that can lead to ongoing relationships.

但是一定是那些你感興趣的事情 因為那樣你才能找到你的同好 在這種場合,自然而然就會聊起天來 最后發(fā)展成持續(xù)的人際關(guān)系

【84】And finally, get more comfortable striking up casual conversations.

最后 和別人聊天的時候放輕松

【85】That's something we can learn to be more comfortable with, almost like exercising a muscle.

可以通過學(xué)習(xí)的方式去讓自己放輕松 就像鍛煉肌肉一樣

【86】So now, I would like to ask you to do one of these things, to make one of these choices that we can make every day.

所以現(xiàn)在 我想讓你們從以上挑一件事來做 挑一件你每天都可以做的事

【87】I'd like you to make that choice right now.

我想讓你們現(xiàn)在就選

【88】Here's my challenge to you: think about someone you miss, that you just haven't seen in a while or you haven't had contact with, and you'd like to make contact.

以下就是我對你們的挑戰(zhàn) 想一個你思念的人 你們很久未見 或者很久都沒有聯(lián)系了 但你現(xiàn)在想和他聊聊天

【89】You don't even have to have a particular reason.

你甚至不需要一個理由

【90】Now I want you to take out your phone or whatever device you use, right now, and send that person just a little note.

現(xiàn)在,我想讓你拿出你的手機 或者其他電子設(shè)備 給這個人發(fā)幾句話

【91】It could say, "I'm just thinking of you and wanted to connect."

你可以說: “我剛剛在想你,想和你聊聊天”

【92】Or you could say something more personal to you and to your relationship.

或者說一些你或你們間更私人的事

【93】And then watch what comes back to you.

然后看看你會收到什么回復(fù)

【94】And while we're here, we may even have time to share with each other some of the responses that people get when they do this.

而且,現(xiàn)在我們都在這兒 時間充裕,我們還可以互相分享 分享那個人給你的回復(fù)

【95】So think of someone.

所以現(xiàn)在快想想那個人

【96】And make contact right now.

然后立刻給他發(fā)信息

【97】The point of this simple exercise is to remind us that even small actions can have ripple effects that build our well-being.

而這樣做的意義是提醒我們 就算是這樣小小的一個舉動 也會有連鎖反應(yīng) 能夠提升人的幸福感

【98】And that these are things you can do every day in the moment.

而這些事你每天都能做 還不會花太多時間

【99】Thank you.

謝謝

【100】Whitney Pennington Rodgers: One way I'd love to kick things off, Bob, you mentioned, at the top of your talk, that you run this Harvard Study of Adult Development and gave us sort of a snippet of what that is.

那我想我就這樣開始了 羅伯特,你在演講開始提到 你負(fù)責(zé)哈佛哈佛成人發(fā)展研究 但對此你只給我們透露了一點點內(nèi)容

【101】But could you tell us a little bit more about the study, what does it track?

能再給我們分享一些 有關(guān)此研究的信息嗎 研究追蹤的對象是哪些人

【102】Why did it start, who's in the study today?

為什么要開展這項研究 以及如今誰還參與此項研究呢

【103】Robert Waldinger: Absolutely.

羅伯特.瓦爾丁格: 沒問題

【104】The study started in 1938, and it started with two groups: a group of Harvard College undergrads, and it started with a group of inner city boys who were in elementary school or middle school from really disadvantaged, troubled families.

這個研究始于1938年 起初有兩組對象 一組是哈佛大學(xué)的本科生 另一組是舊城區(qū)的一些男孩 這些人都在上小學(xué)或中學(xué) 他們的家庭背景都非常糟糕

【105】And each study was trying to look at how people can take healthy developmental paths.

而這兩組研究目的相同 都是為了研究人們?nèi)绾谓】蛋l(fā)展

【106】And so the idea was not to study what goes wrong in our lives but what goes right in our lives.

所以研究并非旨在探討人生有何不順 而是探討哪些事發(fā)展順利

【107】And some of the factors that contribute to helping things go well in human development.

探討在人的發(fā)展歷程中 哪些因素能讓生活變好

【108】Needless to say, we started out with boys, all males, but we've added women.

當(dāng)然,研究對象一開始都是男性 但后來也有女性研究對象

【109】And we have more than half women now, and we've added the second generation.

現(xiàn)在有超過一半的對象是女性 而他們的后代也是我們的研究對象

【110】So we started out with 724 people.

所以雖然一開始只有724個人

【111】Now we have over 2,000 people in our study and we're still collecting data today.

但現(xiàn)在研究對象已經(jīng)超過2000名 并且我們?nèi)栽谶M行數(shù)據(jù)收集

【112】WPR: Wow.

惠特妮: 哇

【113】And I know in the book you talk about ...

我知道你談?wù)摰哪潜緯?/p>

【114】how the advice you offer, the wisdom you offer is not just drawn from your own study because of some of what you've suggested, that you're just now starting to bring women and different generations.

你的建議以及你的智慧 其實不僅僅是只考量了你自己的研究 因為就像你剛剛說的那樣 你也才開始去研究女性和不同的世代

【115】And I guess could you talk about some of the other gaps and why it's been important to also think about some of the other studies out there on life and happiness?

那么你是否能夠 給我們說一些其他信息 以及為什么去探討其他有關(guān) 生命和幸福的研究 為什么這很重要呢

【116】RW: Yes, that's a really good point, because, particularly in this kind of research, no single study is proof of anything.

嗯,那是個好問題。 因為單個研究不可能證明所有事物 尤其是在這種研究里

【117】That what we want is for different studies of different populations.

我們想要的是對不同人群的不同研究

【118】So different ethnic groups, different cultural groups, different geographies, right?

來自不同種族的人, 來自不同文化背景的人 以及來自不同地方的人

【119】We want different studies to point in the same direction.

不同的研究對象, 但都是同一個研究方向

【120】And that's why I'm here and I can tell you with confidence, many studies point to all these same benefits of relationships.

這就是為什么我能夠在這自信地和你交談 很多不同的研究都得出了同樣 有關(guān)人際關(guān)系好處的結(jié)論

【121】WPR: And I know you touched on the health element in your talk and shared that there is data that reveals that we have - that there's a strong connection between happiness and health.

我知道在之前的演講中 你還談到了健康的因素 并且和我們分享了 有數(shù)據(jù)表明健康與幸福之間關(guān)系密切

【122】What have you specifically found related to happiness and health outcomes?

那么有關(guān)這兩個因素 你具體找到了什么呢

【123】RW: What we find is that happiness turns out to make us age more slowly and keep us able longer.

我們發(fā)現(xiàn) 幸?？鞓纷詈竽軠p緩我們的衰老 延長我們的壽命

【124】So the diseases of aging that happen to all of us, happen later, sometimes they don't happen at all in people who are happier have a greater sense of well-being.

所以那些我們身上 的衰老疾病會被延緩 有時那些更快樂, 更有幸福感的人 甚至都不會患上這些病

【125】And it's because of what I spoke about a few minutes ago, this kind of decrease in chronic inflammation and chronic stress.

這就是因為我?guī)追昼娗罢劦降哪切?這會降低處于長期發(fā)炎 和緊張的狀態(tài)的概率

【126】And so what we find is that -- we can't guarantee that any one person is going to stay happier or live longer if they have better relationships, but we find that there are these ingredients, just like taking care of your health -

所以我們發(fā)現(xiàn) 雖然我們不能保證一個人 有良好的人際關(guān)系 他就能更快樂 活得更久 但是我們發(fā)現(xiàn)他會給我們帶來一些正面因素 比如關(guān)心自己的健康狀況

【127】you know, not smoking, not abusing alcohol or drugs, exercising regularly, getting regular health care, having access to health care.

不會抽煙,喝酒,嗑藥 經(jīng)常鍛煉 定期進行醫(yī)療保健 或者去辦理醫(yī)保

【128】All of those things really matter for our health.

所有這些事情都對我們的健康很重要

【129】WPR: And you start the book with a question.

你在書本的開篇就拋出了問題

【130】You say, "If you had to make one life choice right now to set yourself on the path to future health and happiness, what would it be?"

你說:“如果你必須現(xiàn)在做一個人生選擇” 讓你的未來健康快樂 你會做什么呢？

【131】And from hearing your talk today, we know that the right answer to that question is to build more warm connections.

聽了你今天的演講 我們知道這個問題的正確答案是 建立更加熱絡(luò)的人際關(guān)系

【132】But I want to ask you about the use of the word "choice" there and understanding more about whether or not having warm connections is a choice that we make or, to put it another way,

但是我想問一問這里 “選擇”這個詞的使用 以及想更加了解: 建立起熱絡(luò)的人際關(guān)系 是否是我們的主觀選擇 或者換個說法

【133】are there qualities that each of us have that maybe make us more social people and that these are just baked into our personalities?

我們身上是否有一些特質(zhì) 能讓我們更會社交 那些特質(zhì)是刻在我們的個性里的嗎

【134】Can we decide to be a person who makes connections?

我們能選擇成為一個主動建立 他人際關(guān)系的人嗎

【135】RW: That's a really important point because we differ.

這個問題真的非常重要

【136】We are all different in how much connection we want and benefit from.

因為就人際關(guān)系程度 和收益而言人人不同

【137】So some of us are introverts, and that's just fine.

所以某我們中的某一些人很內(nèi)向

【138】That's perfectly normal.

但那也非常正常

【139】And introverts don't want a lot of connections.

內(nèi)向的人不想要太多的人際交往

【140】In fact, being with a lot of people is exhausting for introverts.

事實上對內(nèi)向者而言 和太多人打交道非常的累

【141】And so some people just need one or two good relationships.

所以有些人只需一 或兩段好的人際關(guān)系

【142】Everybody needs a little bit of connection.

每個人都需要一點點的人際交往

【143】But some people actually don't need a lot.

但是某些人不需要太多

【144】And so what we want to do is try to figure out for ourselves what's right for me.

所以我們想做的 是找到對我們自己而言 真正適合自己的

【145】And that involves, really, just tuning in and saying, "OK, I'm energized by being with a lot of people, so I'm going to do that,"

而那真的需要 （只是表達我的觀點） “我和很多人在一起感覺活力滿滿” “所以我要有很多人際關(guān)系”

【146】or "No, I'm exhausted by being with a lot of people.

或者“不,我和很多人在一起很累”

【147】For me, you know, a quiet conversation with one person is the most energizing thing I can do in the interpersonal realm."

“對我來說 與人相處中最讓我有活力的事” “就是和另一個人安安靜靜地聊天”

【148】And so it's really a matter of discerning what's right for each person.

所以重要的是 找到對每個人而言適合他們的方式

【149】WPR: And what factors have you found contribute to that?

惠特妮: 那你找到了哪些致因呢

【150】Maybe things from early in life or childhood that might actually shape our ability to make these connections later in life?

可能你早期生活或童年里的一些事情 這些事會影響你今后人際交往的能力嗎

【151】RW: Yes, so, many of our social skills we learn when we're growing up.

是的,很多交往技巧 都是我們在長大過程中習(xí)得的

【152】We learn it in our families, we learn it at school and on the playground.

在我們家人身上 在學(xué)校里 在操場上

【153】They can be learned, and they can be improved as we get into adulthood.

但我們已經(jīng)步入成年階段后 我們可以主動去學(xué)習(xí)它們 也可以去改善它們

【154】They're not set in stone once we're done with childhood.

它們不是在童年時期就刻在骨子里的

【155】So it's really important to see the ways that, you know, just like some of the suggestions I made, ways that you can practice getting better at this, because it really pays off.

所以,你知道的,最最重要的是, 就像我提的那些建議一樣 是你怎么讓社交技巧更嫻熟 因為這真的有奏效

【156】But some people are not so good at this.

在某些人對此并不擅長

【157】And they can have perfectly wonderful, happy, healthy lives without being social butterflies and extroverts.

沒有成為社交花和外向者 但是她們依然有非常美好 非常健康,非常幸福的生活

【158】And I just want to name that so that people don't go away thinking, "Gosh, if I'm not an extrovert, I'm out of luck."

我只是舉個例子 那樣人們就不會開始胡思亂想 “天啊如果我不外向 那我一定不走運”

【159】Not true at all.

這完全是錯的

【160】Many of our happiest people had quieter lives.

很多快樂的人他們的生活都很寧靜

【161】WPR: And you know, I guess to the tips that you offered in the talk, you know, you talked about how we can build warm connections, steps that we can take.

惠特妮: 你演講里提到的小技巧 你談到了我們怎么去 構(gòu)建更熱絡(luò)的人際關(guān)系 那些一一的步驟

【162】And this idea of social fitness.

然后還有社交健身這一理念

【163】And so I'm curious how can we actually assess our social fitness, and as you said, to sort of, understand what is right for us in terms of how many friends to have.

我很好奇怎么評估我們的社交健身 并且正如你所說 去理解到什么是適合我們的 比如說,要交幾個朋友

【164】And is it possible to sustain warm relationships if you aren't really intentional in thinking about your social fitness?

以及如果我們不主動考慮社交健身 我們可能維持熱絡(luò)的人際關(guān)系嗎

【165】RW: That question of how do we assess our social fitness, it's really checking in and saying, am I as connected as I would like to be to other people?

“如何評估我們 的社交健身”這一問題 我想我們需要考慮,并且反問自己 “我是和我想象中那樣” “與他人建立起了人際關(guān)系嗎”

【166】And if I'm not, what am I missing?

“如果沒有,那么我缺了點什么呢”

【167】So not all relationships provide us with the same stuff.

所以不是所有的人際關(guān)系性質(zhì)都一樣

【168】Some relationships are relationships we have because they're fun, you know?

我們之所以一些人際關(guān)系可能是因為這些人很有趣

【169】And so they're the people I like to go out and party with.

所以我愿意和這些人出去玩,開派對

【170】Some relationships are the relationships that help me when I'm scared or hurting or worried about something.

而有些人際關(guān)系的產(chǎn)生則是因為 它能在我害怕,受傷,焦慮時幫助我

【171】And I need someone to talk things over with.

這些時候我想要有個人陪我聊聊

【172】I need a sounding board, a good advisor.

我需要一個能夠給我提供意見的人

【173】Some relationships are the people who, you know, loan me tools when I need to fix something and I don't have the right tool or give me a ride to the doctor.

而有些人際關(guān)系可以幫我搭把手 在我沒有工具修東西時借給我工具 或者是幫忙載我去找醫(yī)生

【174】So part of it is checking in about, what am I missing?

所以社交健身就包含反問自己 “我缺了什么”

【175】And then seeing what might be possible in terms of developing more of the relationships that give us the things we want more of.

然后就發(fā)展更多預(yù)期的人際關(guān)系而言 去找到自己能夠做什么 讓自己能夠發(fā)展人際關(guān)系,惠及自己

【176】WPR: And along those same lines, TED Member Tiana wants to know: How do we define if a relationship is actually meaningful or not?

惠特妮:那按這么想, TED會員緹安娜也想知道 我們?nèi)绾味x一段 人際關(guān)系是否有意義

【177】I mean, it sounds like understanding what these voices are saying, but are there other things we should pay attention to, to know if it's valuable, if this is a warm connection?

就像是理解這些聲音在說什么 但如果想知道這段關(guān)系是否有價值 是否是一段熱絡(luò)的人際關(guān)系 有其他事情我們要注意的嗎

【178】RW: One way to think about it is not whether the relationship is smooth all the time, but whether we feel that we can be authentic, we can be ourselves in a relationship.

思考這個問題的一個方法就是 不要去想這個關(guān)系是否一直舒適 而是我們是否能夠在這段關(guān)系中 真誠以待,做真實的自己

【179】And obviously, we won't be the same selves in a work relationship that we might be with our, you know, beloved sister, you know.

很顯然我們不會在每段關(guān)系里都一樣 在工作關(guān)系里 面對我們親愛的姐妹 我們就會是另一個自己

【180】But still, can I be myself in the most essential ways?

但問題是 我還能以最基本的方式做我自己嗎

【181】Can I express myself?

表達自己的想法嗎

【182】And can the other person express themselves?

其他人能表達自己的想法嗎

【183】Because I think that's where - what we really want is to feel known and to feel seen and not to feel like we are having to maintain a fa?ade that hides who we are.

因為我認(rèn)為 我們真正想要的是被感知 被看見 而不是覺得我們要去維持 那個隱藏我們真實自己的假面

【184】And so the best relationships are those where we feel we can be ourselves.

所以倘若我們能在其中做自己 那這段人際關(guān)系就是最好的

【185】WPR: And you talked about how, really, it's romantic relationships, friendships, acquaintances, I mean, all of these relationships matter.

惠特妮: 你還談到了戀愛,友誼 泛泛之交 以及所有這些人際關(guān)系有多重要

【186】But do you find that one of these is maybe more significant than the other, or how do you look at them?

但你是否找到了其中最重要的那個 或者你怎么看待他們呢

【187】RW: I look at it in terms of the secure attachment we think about.

我從安全依戀的角度來看待人際關(guān)系

【188】Attachment is a word for being warmly, securely connected.

依戀指兩人關(guān)系熱絡(luò)且有安全感

【189】It's the "Who can you call in the middle of the night if you're sick or scared?"

就代表著“在午夜害怕 或難受時你會給誰打電話”

【190】So I think of it in those terms, not necessarily the person's role, defined role in our life, like romantic partner or boss.

所以我是從這些角度考慮的 決定性因素不一定是另外一個人 比如伴侶或者老板所扮演的角色

【191】But it's the "Does this person have my back?"

而是說“是否這個人力挺我”

【192】And so that's, I think, the defining element that we want to find somewhere in our world.

所以,這才是我認(rèn)為的決定性因素 是我們想在這個世界上找到的東西

【193】WPR: So we have so many member questions coming in, Bob, and I'm going to kind of go through a few more of them.

羅伯特,我們會員也有很多問題想問 現(xiàn)在我要替他們問其中一些問題了

【194】So TED Member Nancy wants to know if you think it's possible for an endemically unhappy person at some point in life to obtain happiness.

TED會員Nancy想知道 對于一個在人生的某個階段 經(jīng)常不開心的人來說 是否有可能獲得幸福呢

【195】RW: Yes. And thank you for asking that question.

當(dāng)然可以并且 感謝你問這個問題

【196】So we have a couple of life stories in our book, the book contains real stories of real people.

在我們的書中有一些人生故事 這些故事都是真人真事

【197】The names are disguised to protect confidentiality.

只不過出于保密 他們的名字都是化名

【198】But some of those stories are of people who have big turnarounds late in life, people who were isolated and less happy and in their 60s found a whole community.

里面有些人正是在 人生后期發(fā)生了大轉(zhuǎn)變 這些人之前不善社交,不那么快樂 然后在60多歲找到了自己的大團體

【199】One man found a community at a gym that he never dreamed he would find.

有一個人是在健身房找到的 他從來都沒想過他能找到自己的團體

【200】And so the message that we get from studying these thousands of lives is: it is never too late.

所以經(jīng)過研究數(shù)千案例 我們知道的是 幸?？鞓酚肋h都不完

【201】And so don't assume that it's too late for you, even if you feel like you've not had good luck with this in the past.

所以就算你過去不幸 也不要覺得為時已晚

【202】WPR: Well, Bob, we're getting some questions about you.

羅伯特,我們接下來 問一些關(guān)于你的問題

【203】And I want to turn to you for a second.

我也想向您請教一下

【204】And I'm curious how running this study has changed the way you approach life and your own pursuit of happiness.

我很好奇進行這項研究 是怎樣改變了你看待生活的方式 以及怎樣改變了你自己對幸福的追求

【205】RW: Oh, gosh.

天哪

【206】Well, one of the things it's helped me with is the idea that everybody has struggles in their life.

在這其中有一件 我認(rèn)為有幫助的事情是 我意識到所有人的生活都不容易

【207】That has been so meaningful to me because I can also look at the world and say, "Gee, other people seem to have lives that have it all figured out and perfect lives."

對我來說非常有意義 因為我也可以從其他 視角看待這個世界 我可以說: “他們活得好通透,過得好完美”

【208】It is so helpful to know that there isn't a person on the planet who doesn't have struggles.

而你要知道 世界上沒有一個人活得很容易 這種想法對我?guī)椭艽?/p>

【209】And it makes me feel less alone when I can recognize that.

我意識到這點的時候 我感覺不那么孤單了

【210】And that's one of the reasons why I want to keep getting these messages out, after having studied thousands of lives.

也是為什么在我們 對數(shù)千人進行研究之后 我依然想向他們傳達這些發(fā)現(xiàn)

【211】And I think the other thing that it's changed is my own priorities.

還有就是我對事情 輕重緩急程度的判斷變了

【212】So I realize, OK, I can sit here this afternoon and edit another paper or do more work, or I can see my friend who I haven't seen in a month.

我意識到 這個下午我可以坐在這里 修改我的另一篇論文 或者做更多的工作 或者我也可以去見一個月沒見的朋友

【213】And so I've become more active in taking care of my relationships, and it makes a big difference.

而且在經(jīng)營人際關(guān)系上 我變得更加主動 這也促成了很大的變化

【214】So I would say that those are the two big things for me that directing this study has changed about my life.

所以我認(rèn)為以上這兩個大的改變 就是主導(dǎo)這項研究對我生活的改變

【215】WPR: We have a question from TED Member Nesa.

TED會員Nesa想問一個問題

【216】They ask: "As a mother of two very young children, what advice do you have for parents to build strong, healthy relationships, now through adulthood?"

她說:“我是兩個小孩的母親 我想知道父母在孩子們成年之前 想要和孩子建立親密良好的親子關(guān)系 你會給出什么建議呢？”

【217】RW: For parents, it's really helping your children to pay attention to how they feel and to learn to use their feelings with more choice.

對父母來說 你們真的要幫你們的孩子去注意到 他們自己的感受 并且?guī)退麄儗W(xué)會用多種方式 處理自己的情感

【218】So learning to love what they love and hang on to what they love, even if it's not so popular.

所以學(xué)著去喜歡他們喜歡的東西 讓他們堅持他們的熱愛 盡管這有可能不是那么主流

【219】You know, I had a mother talk to me about how her child really loved doing improv comedy.

有個母親曾經(jīng)跟我聊過天 她說她的孩子真的 很喜歡即興喜劇表演

【220】And he's only 12, and his friends don't like that.

而他才12歲 他身邊的朋友都不喜歡這個東西

【221】And so we talked about how do you help your child feel supported in loving what he loves and taking an improv class, right?

所以我們討論了 如何讓孩子們感到被支持 我們可以去喜歡他喜歡的東西 讓他上即興喜劇課

【222】So helping your kids learn that it's OK to love something that's not the same as all the other kids in their group and keep loving what they love.

要讓你的孩子知道 你可以去熱愛某樣事物 那可以是和身邊其他人都不同的喜好 并且要讓他們堅持他們熱愛的

【223】And helping kids learn that it's OK to be unhappy and that that will pass, that feelings come and go.

要讓孩子們知道你可以感到不開心 不開心也終會消散 所有人的情緒來去如風(fēng)

【224】That it's OK to disagree.

還要讓他們知道你可以有不同意見

【225】Families can model, parents can model for kids.

家人們和父母 都可以為孩子們樹立榜樣

【226】We can have disagreements.

我們可以有不同的想法

【227】We can work it out and and hold on to these good relationships even through disagreements.

我們可以解決這個問題 并且關(guān)系還依然很好 盡管我們有不同的意見和想法

【228】Those are some of the biggest lessons we can help our children with, about how to use their feelings rather than kind of, be buffeted by their feelings and ruled by their feelings.

但是對孩子們有益 的最重要的一些課程 幫助他們學(xué)會如何處理自己的情感 而不是被這些情感所傷害 或者被這些情感主宰

【229】WPR: I'm curious just where you see the study going from here.

我很好奇你認(rèn)為這個 實驗未來的走向是什么

【230】RW: We are collecting more data, even as we speak.

在我們倆聊天的過程中 我們團隊也在收集更多的數(shù)據(jù)

【231】We are collecting more information from the children.

我們正在從兒童身上收集更多的信息

【232】Almost all the original participants have passed away, but their children are all Baby Boomers, on average.

所有最早的參與者幾乎都去世了 但總的來說他們的孩子 都是在生育潮時期出生的

【233】And so we're collecting information, including about what life was like during the pandemic.

所以我們從他們身上收集數(shù)據(jù) 其中就包括他們 在疫情時期的生活狀況

【234】Also collecting information about how they use social media, which is something we've all been talking about a bit here.

還會收集有關(guān)他們 使用社交媒體的信息 我們在這兒也談?wù)摿艘稽c這個內(nèi)容

【235】And I think in terms of the future, we see ourselves as wanting to make our data available to more and more researchers.

并且我認(rèn)為在未來 我們想和越來越多的研究者 分享我們的信息

【236】So we want to collaborate, and we do collaborate, with other research groups.

我們想和其他研究團隊合作 我們也正在和其他研究團隊合作

【237】We say, come in and use our data and ask new questions that we don't even think to ask.

我們歡迎他們來使用我們的數(shù)據(jù) 歡迎他們來問我們新問題 那些問題可能我們都未考慮過

【238】Because we have this treasure trove of information about thousands of lives.

因為我們有這樣一個從數(shù)千人身上 收集來的有價值的信息庫

【239】And then we're going to make it publicly available on public websites, because, you know, much of our work has been funded by the federal government, by NIH, with taxpayer money.

我們也會讓這些信息 在公共網(wǎng)站上向公眾開放 因為你知道我們很多工作 其實都收到了來自聯(lián)邦政府的資助 以及國家健康協(xié)會的資助 這些都是納稅人的錢

【240】And so we feel a responsibility to make this information available to other researchers who want to ask their own questions about our data.

所以我認(rèn)為我們有責(zé)任向那些 想對我們的數(shù)據(jù)提出問題的研究者們 公開我們的數(shù)據(jù)信息

【241】WPR: Well, Bob, you've shared so many great things with us.

羅伯特,你給我們分享了 太多有價值的內(nèi)容

【242】You know, I feel like if people were listening and trying to absorb all of it, and at the very end of this conversation you want just one nugget of information, that if you missed everything,

我都在想人們是否在認(rèn)真聆聽 然后試著吸收所有內(nèi)容 那么在談話的末尾 如果聽眾錯過了所有的信息 只需要最重要的一點

【243】what is the one thing that you want everyone to walk away from, at the end of this conversation?

那最值得所有人注意的一點什么呢 在談話的最后和我們分享一下吧

【244】RW: That if you want to make one choice today that will make you healthier and happier, it is to pay attention to improving your connections with other people.

那就是如果你今天想做一個選擇 一個讓你更健康更開心的選擇 那就是注重改善你和他人的人際關(guān)系

【245】That that is such a good investment, and it will pay off for years to come.

這是一個很好的投資 并且會在未來的得到成效